the adventures of baby stenz

oh, the naivete of youth.

2010-02-01T15:24:00.000-08:00

about a year before i got pregnant, i stepped on woody's tail. i was rushing around before work one morning, trying not to trip over the cat as he attempted to ~~help me~~ kill me before leaving the house. he yelped and leapt away, and as i tried not to spill my coffee my heart broke into a million pieces. my baby! my kitten! my little man! how careless of mommy to hurt him! i didn't do it on purpose, sweetheart. mommy loves you.

i felt horrible, as if i had sliced off my own finger. i knew in that moment that i was ready to have children. if i could feel this way about a cat, i was ready for a baby. i had enough love and patience to give a child.

now that i am an actual parent and not just a cat mommy, i know: having a cat? is nothing like raising a baby.

mommy took her happy pills today!

2010-01-29T21:14:00.001-08:00

this is how i know the drugs are working:

this morning i woke up at 545a and laid in bed in the dark, listening to brian breathing evenly next to me. hannah cried out in her sleep and i waited for her to wake and cry more, but she didn't. just a random bad dream or something that didn't quite wake her. still, my heart ached and my stomach twisted up in knots but i tried to fight it. i got up, pulled on my sweats, and went to her room and closed the door. i lifted her out of the crib where she was dreaming, sank into the armchair, arranged some cozy blankets over us, snuggled her sleeping body into mine, and drifted off.

tell me this: who gets a perfectly quiet, SLEEPING baby out of the crib when they don't have to? who risks waking that SLEEPING child? someone who is on some damn good drugs, THAT'S WHO.

so this is what motherhood is supposed to be like.

2010-01-25T08:34:00.000-08:00

this morning, hannah woke up at 6a crying, not going back to sleep. she has been doing this lately, waking up a bit too early for my taste, and i can tell that because of these early wakings that she's extra tired, because she naps longer during the day. i went into her room and got her out of her crib and shut the door. we curled up in the easy chair in her room and i rocked her to sleep on my chest and then dozed off myself.

i used to dread her nightwakings and early-morning-wakings. i'd wake up around 3a or 5a and just lie in bed, waiting to hear her cry, praying that she wouldn't, praying to go back to sleep so i could somehow drag myself through another day as a mother. when she would cry, i'd comfort her and rock her back to sleep and resent every moment of it, silently begging her to go back to sleep quickly so i could rest. time passes more quickly when you're asleep.

this morning i sighed resignedly when i heard her fussing, then pulled on my pajamas and went to her. i realized i didn't resent it. all things considered, i'd rather be cocooned in my nice warm bed, snuggled up against my husband, instead of rocking a fussy baby back to sleep and trying to get comfortable enough in an old armchair to sleep myself. i'd rather be in bed when she lifts her sleepy head off my chest and then lets it fall with a thud, and if i'm not careful to keep my face out of the way she'll knock a tooth or my chin. but... i don't resent this. i don't dread it anymore. in a perverse sort of way, i actually kind of look forward to rocking her to sleep, cuddled in the chair with my daughter on my chest, heavy and trusting. her hair tickles my chin and she smells so good, and it feels good to kiss her head gently while she rests.

i had worried for a bit that the medication was not working, and then suddenly i felt happy, giddy almost, happier than i have been in a long time. i'm enjoying being a wife and a mother. i look forward to my husband and my daughter instead of wanting to be left alone. hannah's happier too, probably because her mother is present now. finally, this is what normal feels like, and i think i like it.

blinded with science

2010-01-22T15:53:00.000-08:00

yesterday hannah and i took part in a research study, and i am so ridiculously excited about this, i cannot even tell you. we signed up a couple months ago at one of the universities near us and i had been anxiously waiting for them to contact us to participate. i firmly believe in actively participating in research when i can, and the brain (and our bodies) is one of those things that juust absolutely fascinates me. when i was a baby, my mother and i participated in a study about infant massage, so i guess it's just in my genes.

brian was very concerned that i would be subjecting hannah to needles or strange drugs and things like that. i reassured him that i would never allow anything like that to happen to her, and that ethically, researchers can't do things like that to babies because they cannot give informed consent. (i think. right?)

we actually participated in two studies yesterday. the first study was testing her short-term memory. she sat on my lap in front of two computer screens with different colored dots on them. on one screen the dots were stationary, and the other the dots were moving around. in theory, she would look at both screens to see the dots, and then if she had stored them in her short-term memory, she would look at the screen with the moving dots longer because it is more interesting than the stationary dots (which were already in her memory).

the second study tested her ability to categorize objects. we sat in front of a television screen and she was shown lots of pictures of cats. big cats, little cats, fluffy cats, orange cats, white cats, you name it. this was to help her make the category "cats." then she was shown a picture of a cat and a dog. in theory, if she had made the category "cats" and was able to differentiate between cats and dogs, then she would look at the picture of the dog longer, because it was new and interesting.

they did tell me that she looked at the moving dots longer. (well, OF COURSE SHE DID. she's a genius. what else would you expect?) they did not tell me what she did on the cats and dogs test and i forgot to ask, which is really a bummer because she is currently going through the developmental stage where she realizes that things are different and the same and begins to categorize objects.

brian was very relieved when i told him how everything went and what she did at the center. we were also kindly given an age-appropriate toy for our trouble, which made it all worthwhile to him. silly man!

we are still on their list, if they need more volunteers for future studies. i really hope they do, because we had a lot of fun doing this, and it is neat to know that hannah (and me, indirectly) contributed to our understanding of how the mind develops and works. if you have a research university close to you and a young baby, i encourage you to participate in any studies they may have as well!

love letters: month eight

2010-01-11T06:22:00.000-08:00

dear hannah,

you are eight months old today, and what a time it has been. it's a new year, sweet baby girl! you are crawling now, crawling everywhere, and starting to get into everything. you are one busy little girl.

this past month you celebrated your first christmas! it was stressful, as christmas always is, but it was wonderful as well. first grandpa and grandma ellen came up to visit and spent the weekend with us. nana and grandpa ron came over, and we all went out to dinner for nana's birthday. you were absolutely entranced with the waitress and couldn't stop looking at her each time she came to the table, and when she'd leave you'd twist around in your high chair and crane your neck to watch her as long as you could.

then grandma and aunt kerry and nana came over for christmas itself, and what a time you had. grandma brought you some presents wrapped in tissue paper, so they would be easy to unwrap, and even though the tissue paper crinkled enticingly, you couldn't figure out what it was that you were supposed to do. as we opened gifts on christmas moring, you happily jumped and played in your jumperoo, right in the middle of all the mess. later we took some pictures and you were happiest, of course, with the wrapping paper. you got some new clothes and a couple awesome toys (including bath toys, which you adore), but you loved the wrapping paper the best.

we did not end up doing anything fun for your first new year's. you slept through it anyways. we were going to visit friends, but daddy had to go in to work and had to stay late as well. i don't know how you would have liked it anyways at this age, all the loud noises and fireworks. in a couple years, you'll love it, i guarantee you. you get to stay up late and watch tv and run around in the street with the neighbors at midnight, and sometimes people even call on the telephone late at night. at least, that's what we did when i was a kid, and it was insanely out of the ordinary and exciting.

otherwise it has been a pretty quiet month for us. we have been getting a lot of stuff done around the house, trying to get into a regular schedule of chores and such so that i can keep on track of things. daddy and i took you in the spa for the first time last week, and you were not too sure of it. we thought you would love it because it would be like a giant warm bath, but i think the jets kind of threw you off at first. then you figured out splashing and then you had fun. we have been in the spa at grandma's house too, since we are in southern california right now visiting her. daddy had a business trip so we decided to take a trip too.

the other thing that happened this month is that i was diagnosed with postpartum depression and went on antidepressants. i gave it a lot of thought and did a lot of research and ultimately decided that medication was the best course of action for me, and it isn't going to harm you thankfully. we still have happy times, of course - for example, you just adore going to the grocery store, sitting in the cart and watching me put things in it and watching all the other people around you. we make faces at each other and chat and when we're done you get to hold the list, which i think might be your favorite part. a couple weeks ago you looked up at me and let out this huge burp right as a man was walking by, and it made us both laugh so hard. and you've started flirting all the time now, with everyone, including me. you bat your eyes and lay your head on your shoulder and smile, and i've bumped into people at the grocery store because we're flirting with each other instead of paying attention to where i'm pushing the shopping cart.

this has been a hard year for me, and the last eight months have been hard for me too, but they have also been the best eight months of my life. my depression is not about you, sweetheart. i don't ever want you to think that. my struggles coping are a problem with me, not anything that you have done or not done. you have been the best thing to happen to your father and me, and we love you so very much. we still marvel daily that we were able to create such the beautiful, happy, healthy miracle that is you, and i want you to always know how much you are loved, and how happy you make me.

i love you, my banana.
love,
mama

continued

2009-12-22T10:43:00.000-08:00

i've been prescribed zoloft, because it's safe for breastfeeding. the doctor i saw for medication was actually very supportive of continuing to breastfeed, which made me very happy. he feels that breastfeeding has some effect in "warding off" or lessening the symptoms of depression, and also feels that weaning could exacerbate my depression as well. yay for support! i feel very uneasy taking a drug that will change the way i think, so we'll see how it goes. apparently this is a temporary albeit long-term solution. i'll be on it for a while.

the downside is, i can no longer donate. i called the milk bank to be sure and they said that unfortunately zoloft is a disqualifier. this is disappointing because i really liked donating. it made me feel good, like i was giving back to society or something. so i just sent off my last cooler of milk, 95 ounces that i had had in my freezer, pumped before i began taking the zoloft. that brings us to a total of approximately 825 ounces donated. wow! i am very proud of that. my boobs are not to be trifled with.

it's been... a week. lots of doctors' appointments, a couple very bad days. family visiting this weekend and all the stress that comes with that beforehand - cleaning, finishing christmas gifts, so on and so forth. we are very excited for hannah's first christmas and keeping busy helps. a fun visit with family, who was very supportive and understanding - my stepmother revealed that she also struggled with depression after her son was born. the women in my mommy group were also very supportive as a number of them are struggling with similar issues. the house is clean which always makes for a happy home. hannah had an excellent day yesterday - the happiest i think i've ever seen her. maybe the happy drugs are working on her too? or maybe it is just that she had a happier mom.

postponed

2009-12-14T14:39:00.000-08:00

here's my dirty little secret: i am struggling with postpartum depression.

i have suspected for a while that this was the root of a lot of issues in my life lately, and last night it was confirmed. i had a major meltdown - not my first, but the worst. i ended up sobbing in front of the bathroom sink with the counter doors open - i had cleaned out the sink the other day and found all of brian's painkillers leftover from his slipped disk. i thought i had put them under the sink but realized later that they went into the hall closet with the other leftover meds. (random aside: what do you do with all that stuff anyways, since you're not supposed to throw it in the trash or flush them? sell them on the street?) hannah was screaming and i thought about people who smother their babies with pillows. i thought, if i had to chose between her and brian right then, i would chose brian in a heartbeat. i thought, i am afraid of myself. then i left hannah with brian, got in my car, and drove to the emergency room where they confirmed that yes indeed it does sound like we are dealing with postpartum depression.

i had an intake appointment with a therapist this morning who confirmed that yes indeed, postpartum depression. if we can swing the $90 co-pays, i am to be enrolled in an intensive outpatient program. either way, it is likely that i will be prescribed meds. brian is not keen on meds especially since i am still breastfeeding, and both the psychologist at the hospital last night and the intake psychologist this morning were very keen on weaning. i understand everyone's cocnerns, but the research seems to indicate that it's safe to breastfeeding while on antidepressants (with a few specific exceptions). in this aspect i am not getting a lot of support which is extremely frustrating. brian is against meds in general, but that obviously isn't working since everything is getting worse. breastfeeding is important to me and helps me bond with hannah - i feel like i am doing something good for her when she nurses. i don't want to give that up and i don't think i should have to. lots of women are on antidepressants while they are pregnant even. [exhibit a: heather armstrong.] there are so many different antidepressants out there - surely we can come up with one and tailor the dosage low enough that i can continue to breastfeed.

i was concerned about this while i was pregnant. looking back, i have probably been mildly depressed for years, and being pregnant and then having a baby likely exacerbated everything. this is one time where i wish i wasn't right.

i want to enjoy my baby. i love her, i really do. i know i wouldn't ever hurt her. it's just that i feel so removed from her and some days, i really don't want her. that makes me feel so sad (and so guilty, and so angry), especially because she is so very wonderful and because i'm lucky enough to get to stay home with her that i should at least be enjoying it. i want to enjoy my husband, and my life. brian often points out how i am living my dream, and he's right - i am married to a wonderful man, i have a beautiful happy healthy baby, we live in a lovely house, i am a stay-at-home mom for my daughter, and i am starting my own business. i have everything that i've always wanted, and now i want to enjoy it.

edited: i'm not looking for sympathy or pity or anything like that. that's not why i posted this. i posted this because on a daily basis it is overwhelming to even try to comprehend what needs to be done just to survive. i dread waking up in the morning because the entire day stretches out in front of me and it just seems endless. i'm exhausted. that's all.

love letters: month seven

2009-12-11T10:33:00.000-08:00

dear hannah,

today you are seven months old. seven months! we are more than halfway through a year now. a friend asked me the other day what was essential for me the first few weeks of your life, and i have to say i don't remember so much other than surviving and trying to figure out nursing. there was a teeny little baby at our mommy group yesterday, only 3 weeks old, and i held her and she was so light and small and tiny and precious and delicate. i can't believe you were once that small. the baby you have become has eclipsed the baby you were, and now all i can remember and think about is the wonderful girl you are now.

the holidays are upon us, full steam ahead, which means you had your first thanksgiving this past month. thank goodness you won't remember it because there was really nothing to remember. daddy worked (so he can take extra days off around christmas) and nana decided not to come up since we were going to see her in tahoe in a few days. so you and i just hung out all day, and then daddy brought home dinner from work and you tried turkey for the first time. you did NOT like it and gagged a couple times, and this is awful of me to say, but it is so stinking cute when you gag and your little tongue comes out.

that's your new favorite thing, by the way, your tongue. you stick it out the corner of your mouth all the time, as if you are concentrating really hard. it's so cute and sweet and i have no idea why you do it. you seem to do it most when you are happy, which you are a LOT. daddy and i always comment on what a happy baby you are. you are happy and content pretty much all the time, except when you are teething. you cut your two bottom teeth this month, both at the same time, and OY, your teething has been kicking my butt. wow. of course, you're not interested in the mesh teethers with ice in them or chewing on a frozen washcloth. you do like to chew on your fridge teethers, but only for a little while. you hate baby orajel and it is all i can do to keep you from spitting out teething tablets. tylenol, though. WOW. you think that stuff is candy.

we spent a week up at lake tahoe this month and you had your first taste of snow. well, you didn't actually taste it - you weren't that interested. i think you did not appreciate the cold, though. one morning daddy and i went tubing on the snow, and we switched off holding you so the other could tube. when i put you on a breeze came up and you screamed and screamed and screamed some more. i had you facing in to me and your little cheeks were so red, so i unzipped my fleece so you could be face in to me and draped my scarf around your head so you would be protected from the wind, and you fell asleep with your cold little nose pressed against my chest.

we also rode the cable car up to high camp and went ice skating up there, and your daddy wore you in the baby bjorn for the first time. i think maybe he thought it was a chick thing to do, wear one's baby, but once he saw how much you love being in the baby bjorn - not just being in the baby bjorn on mama - he fell in love with it too. after that i couldn't get you off of him, which was fine for you because you just adore him. i think the other thing that convinced your father to wear you was that his options were that or carry the diaper bag, which is really just an oversized handbag and VERY chick-ish.

we went sledding - even your nana sledded, she who is not adventurous! we even took you sledding, crazy parents that we are. we do a lot of "crazy" things like that that probably some people would say are irresponsible, but we are always careful to protect you. we went on a small hill and went pretty slowly for you and always kept our feet out so we could stop any time we needed to. you were pretty uninterested. i think maybe you just didn't know how you were supposed to react. is this supposed to be fun? and then - i sat you on the snow, and daddy came sledding down the hill, and you looked up to watch him. he sledded straight towards you and came to a stop behind you, and you freaked out and started screaming - and we laughed. i'm sorry, but it was funny. having a baby is a lot of fun.

i am constantly amazed too by how much you learn every month and how much you are growing. just this last week you have figured out how to play a repeating game with us, where you babble something and we make the same noise back to you. the first couple times you were kind of surprised that we did it, and then you figured it out. we do wonder if we're tormenting you by mimicking back "mama, i'm hungry," or "i'm lonely back here and i want to get out of this car seat, i hate it," but it's too much fun not to play. now this is what i have been waiting for with you - to play games and watch you learn and grow. you're amazing, sweetheart.

i love you, my banana.
love,
mama

baby food!

2009-12-07T14:32:00.000-08:00

whyohwhyohwhy did i wait so long to make baby food? THIS STUFF IS AWESOME. for her, i mean. but maybe also for me? could be, her applesauce is DAMN good.

i guess i was just lazy, that is the only conceivable reason i can see why people would actually buy baby food instead of making their own. since it isn't really that difficult and it is more inconvenient to go to the supermarket every time the baby needs food and Lord knows it is insanely cheaper to make it. i did want those little plastic lidded containers that the gerber baby foods come in and all things considered i'm glad i have them.

i made carrots and applesauce yesterday, butternut squash (hannah's favorite!) and turkey today. i'm planning on doing some broccoli and green beans later today, but all the ice cube trays are full right now. carrots i steamed into oblivion on the stove - i usually do mine to crsip-tender, about 8 minutes, but hers i did for 25 so they would be soft enough to puree up nicely. apples i peeled, cored, and sliced (just like for apple crisp), covered with plastic wrap and stuck in the microwave for 2 minutes per apple with about a teaspoon of water per apple. butternut squash i also did in the microwave for about 12 minutes under plastic wrap. the turkey was leftover from dinner the other night. then i just stuck them in the food processor until they were nicely pureed. the applesauce i did add about a teaspoon of lemon juice (for 3 apples) to keep them from discoloring, and the turkey needed a good bit of breastmilk to make a decent puree because it gets so dry in the refrigerator. then i just spooned the puree into ice cube trays, froze them, and then popped them out into little bags. i figure one cube is about what she eats for breakfast and about half of what she eats at night.

there's no extra crap in them, not even the water that gerber adds to thin out their puree. just plain old goodness. how awesome is that? i figure too, that if for some reason we don't get through the food i make for her - if she's decides she's allergic to something or refuses to eat something and i can't trick her into opening her mouth - it's just fruit and vegetable puree. i can add it to meatloaf, soup, smoothies, pasta sauce.

i am so wicked excited by this. it's kind of eyebrow-raising to see me. i'm on a bit of a tear. maybe because we will be making another big milk donation in the next day or so and i'm feeling like my freezer won't be full enough?

a friend told me that you're not supposed to freeze baby food in uncovered ice cube trays because the nutrients escape. it would be just my luck if this were true, especially since i don't believe it. how do they escape? do the vitamins evaporate? do they grow legs and walk away?

education

2009-12-04T09:56:00.000-08:00

brian has taken to "teaching" hannah. he is convinced that her first word needs to be "dada." to that end, i overheard him the other day:

"daddy says, da da da da da. woody says, meow meow meow meow meow. hannah says, wah wah wah wah wah. nana says, na na na na na. mama says, blah blah blah blah blah."

i might consider being insulted if it wasn't so. damn. cute.

happy thanksgiving!

2009-11-26T16:26:00.000-08:00

brian and i are thankful for so many things this year and our beautiful banana is at the top of that list. we hope you have a wonderful holiday!

diaper sprayer tutorial

2009-11-23T11:29:00.000-08:00

if you are going to use cloth diapers, you'll eventually want a diaper sprayer. once we started hannah on solids, her bowel movements got a bit firmer and i did not want to put that in my washer. swishing in the toilet got very old very quickly, so i built myself a diaper sprayer. it was insanely easy, and i am so ridiculously proud of myself. a friend had suggested i could make my own very inexpensively. it cost me about $25 to make; apparently you can buy them for about twice the price and i'm thinking the only difference is that those might look a little more streamlined.

this one is from pottypail.com. it retails for $34 plus $6 s&h and you still have to do some assembly/installation. mine was cheaper and required minimal additional effort.

i actually did not use jaimey's instructions, i just could not understand them. sorry jaimey! the general idea is about the same though (i think) and there is a great video tutorial here. first, shut off the water at the main valve behind the toilet, and flush the toilet once or twice to drain the tank. then disconnect the supply line from the tank and the water pipe. you will need a flexible supply line to install your diaper sprayer; you might have to look for a toilet in your home that has a flexible line. i put ours in the upstairs bathroom closest to hannah's room.

you will need two 3/8" barb adapters; one 3/8" x 3/8" x 3/8" tee barb connector; five 1/4" - 5/8" hose clamps; one kitchen sprayer assembly; and one ball valve. the ball valve should be either 1/4" or 3/8", depending on the size of the threaded end (MIP) of the barb adapters. i got 1/4" because the 3/8" valve looked bulkier. also, you may want to measure your toilet supply line to be sure that you don't need a 1/2" tee barb connector, but apparently only about 5% of homes in america have 1/2" connectors.

you will also need a hacksaw or a small hand saw, a couple monkey wrenches or a set of crescent wrenches, a screwdriver for the hose clamps (usually flathead), and some teflon tape. you might also want a hook to hang the sprayer on the wall; i just used a large cup hook that i bent a bit more open with a pair of pliers. i thought about taking pictures while i was making this, but i was so excited to get it done that i just did it.

using a hacksaw, cut the supply line in half. cut the fitting end off the kitchen sprayer assembly as close as possible to the fitting (you want as much tubing as possible), and then cut the tubing again about six inches down from the spray nozzle. you will end up with a spray nozzle with a short bit of tubing attached, and a long piece of tubing with nothing on either end.

slide a loosened hose clamp onto one of the supply line pieces, then work one end of the tee barb into the hose. do the same for the other side of the supply line and tighten the clamps with the screwdriver.

wrap the threaded ends of the barb adapters with teflon tape, then slide a loosened hose clamp onto the tubing attached to the spray nozzle. work the barb end of one adapter into the tubing, then tighten the clamp. do the same for one end of the rest of the tubing, then slide a hose clamp onto the other end, work it onto the third end of the tee barb, and tighten the clamp.

screw one end of the ball valve onto one of the threaded ends of the barb adapters in the sprayer tubing and tighten with the wrenches. you will need two wrenches, one to hold the tubing and one to tighten the valve. do the same to connect the other end of the ball valve to the sprayer tubing.

now your assembly is complete and you just need to reinstall your jury-rigged supply line back onto the water line and the toilet tank.

turn the water back on a little and open the valve, then spray the sprayer. you will probably need to play with the valve to see how much water pressure you need to spray your diapers.

the purpose of the ball valve is to prevent constant water pressue on the kitchen sprayer. the sprayer is just plastic and i did not want anything in the sprayer to fail and cause a flood. when the red lever is sticking out, the valve is closed; i just line up the lever with the tubing to open the valve and "turn on" the sprayer.

you can see i just screwed that mug hook into the wall to hold the sprayer. apparently this is also good for rinsing kiddos while they are taking a bath, though the water is not heated so i don't see why you'd want to spray your kids with freezing cold water. personally i think this will also be awesome for spraying down the tub/shower when i'm cleaning it.

all total this project took me about twenty minutes from start to finish.

i know it isn't a huge thing, building and installing this sprayer, but if you would like to come to my house and marvel at my handiwork you're more than welcome to!!

update: i used it for the first time last week and it works GREAT!! yay! also, i was thinking - this is a very easy thing to take with you if you move. just shut off the water to the toilet, take off the jury-rigged supply line/sprayer assembly, and reinstall a new (uncut) supply line. you could also easily install one in an apartment, just like you would your favorite showerhead.

cross-posted at éireann

babyproofing

2009-11-22T11:25:00.000-08:00

for some reason i am inordinately proud of these:

that's my soaping cabinet. it's next to my refrigerator in the kitchen, a lower cabinet. it contains all the soaping supplies i use on a regular basis - herbs, colorants, oils, soap scraps. tools that could hurt The Kiddo. glass bottles that could break. essential oils and fragrance oils that could be fatal if ingested. sodium hydroxide - LYE - that will destroy her skin if she touches it. we have latches for all our cabinet drawers and lower doors, but i wanted something sturdier for the soaping cabinet. something with a key.

those are just cabinet locks that i picked up in the latches section of home depot, the same area where you would find those little locks that go on window frames. they have a flat or offset piece in the back that swings across the cabinet frame, blocking the door, and they are pretty darn strong. the same kind of thing you'd find on a filing cabinet in your office. for some reason i was a bit put off by this project but decided to just dive in and do it, and it ended up being very simple. i traced the frame on the back of the door (so i knew where the frame hit the door) and then marked where i wanted the lock. i drilled a hole the size of the lock completely through the door, then diassembled the lock, fit it into the hole, and reassembled it in the hole. the concept is the same as installing a new door handle.

also, i should have checked but ended up completely lucking out - the locks are sold individually but the two i grabbed off the rack ended up taking the same key. the package does note on the back which key they use (ours was something like # 21233). i don't know why i didn't think to make sure when i bought them because it would have been a massive pain in the butt if i had to use one key to get into the left side and a different key to get into the right side.

cross-posted at éireann

sleep training

2009-11-13T10:50:00.000-08:00

ugh, i hate that phrase. it makes it sound like my baby is a dog or something. don't worry, we'll housebreak her soon.

we were not even going to be here or do this. we hit the four-month mark and that awful four-month sleep regression, and we decided we could handle this. mostly *i* could handle this, because i was working only part-time (and for the last month, not at all) and brian has to be on top of his game every day, often 12 hours a day, sometimes 6 days a week. we started co-sleeping part-time - hannah would nurse to sleep and then go in her crib, and when she woke up screaming and hungry because i hadn't fed her in about six years, i would get up and get into bed with her. i'd nurse her back to sleep and we'd sleep there together. i read dr sears' baby sleep book which was so on target with our feelings, and thought, we can do this! sleep is not an issue! she is only a tiny baby, and she has needs, and we will do what we can to fulfill those needs. it will not be like this forever and we will cherish it while we can. sleep will come and we will not push it before she is ready.

yeah. about that.

it was kind of the perfect storm that pushed us to start sleep teaching. (doesn't that sound nicer than "sleep training?") brian was VERY uncomfortable co-sleeping, so hannah and i would sleep together on an air mattress on the floor of her room. this worked very nicely on a lot of levels: we could co-sleep but brian could still get a good night's sleep. her fussing in the middle of the night did not disturb him. his alarm and morning noise (and he is NOT quiet in the morning) did not disturb us. i wasn't sleeping with one ear cocked for the sound of her cries, because she was right there with me.

but an air mattress is only comfortable for short periods of time, and after about 6 weeks your back really starts to hurt. also, your baby gets used to nursing in the middle of the night even though she probably shouldn't need to. after a while, the achiness from the air mattress and the constant nursing and in-her-sleep fussing keeps mama awake more than she gets to sleep.

so here we are. last night was her first night of her new routine: we had some dinner (carrots) and then some nursing. then we said goodnight to daddy and went upstairs for our bath. we got changed into our jammies and read a couple stories, and then she went into her crib with her chewie and her doll gracie. i said goodnight, i love you, turned out the light and closed the door. (well, it was about 6 inches open.)

she cried for about five minutes. i thought about going in there a la ferber method - a girlfriend's pedi suggested that unlike ferber, it's okay to pick them up and comfort them - but decided to see what happened. after about five minutes of crying, she settled down into poor-pathetic-me whiny fussing for about ten minutes and then fell asleep, and mama got to watch the office in peace. hopefully we will be able to repeat that performance tonight.

we have also been trying to let her cry when she wakes up in the middle of the night, which is not really working... she usually cries for a couple minutes and then when i can see she is NOT going to self-soothe back to sleep, i go in and nurse back to sleep. she initially eats like she's a starving child in africa but then pretty quickly drops back to sleep. i'm not sure how to combat that. a couple nights ago she slept entirely through the night, but that was only once in the past five or six days since we have stopped co-sleeping. do i just let her fuss and cry, at 230a? or do i continue to nurse her back to sleep? i know most [unweaned] babies don't drop that last nighttime feeding until they are a year or so old, but does that refer to the evening "before bed" feeding or this middle-of-the-night feeding?

i will be so thankful when we are through with this stage, and yet it was sad for me to put her to sleep without nursing. just one more way she is growing up and becoming less of a baby.

love letters: month six

2009-11-11T06:55:00.000-08:00

dear hannah,

six months!! you are six months old!!

it is almost thanksgiving, and you are six months old. where has all this time gone? your father and i cannot believe you are already six months old, and yet it feels like we have been doing this for EVER, (six months? that's IT?) and we cannot imagine our life without you.

you have become HUGE this past month - you are 27 inches long and outgrew your baby carseat. two weeks ago we purchased a new one for you and it is this behemoth thing tethered to the backseat of my car. at first you looked so teeny in it, like when we brought you home from the hospital and you were swimming in your sleeper and i felt like the straps of the carseat were too long to hold you in tight enough, even tightened all the way up. now - either i'm used to you in the new carseat or you've just exploded in size, because you don't seem so small in it anymore. you weigh almost 18 pounds too, which is SO FUN when i have to contort my body to get you in and out of that darn carseat when we go to the store.

you started rolling over in earnest this month, allaying my fears regarding your tendencies toward sociopathology, and suddenly you are MOBILE and everywhere. within a week you figured out how to roll from your back to your belly AND how to get up on your knees, though not how to do anything when you are up on those knees. you CAN scooch backwards, which happens unintentionally, and you end up wedged underneath the coffee table or the sofa or the tv unit with your bottom pushed up against whatever edge is there. sometimes you end up against the fireplace hearth, and you push forward off it and then slide backwards, over and over, crawling in place. just this past week you really got the hang of rolling from your belly to your back (though you don't really like to and still break down crying when you've had enough on your tummy) and have started to figure out that there are interesting things out there and you can get to them by rolling. your father and i figure we have about 7 more hours to babyproof the house before you get into everything.

every month you become a little more vocal, and last night your father swore you said "dada" though i think he's delusional because OF COURSE you'd say "mama" first. after all the times i wipe your bottom, it's the least you can do for me. RIGHT? we had a barbecue with all the mommies and daddies from our mommy & me group this past month and your father thought you were the most talkative baby in the group. he also thought you were the prettiest, which of course you were, but we don't say that out loud because it might make the other babies feel bad and give you a big head. last week you were playing with your friend kyle at mommy group, and all he wanted to do was touch you and grab at your hands, and you just kept on talking at him. he didn't say anything, so you talked more and louder, just like a girl. daddy says you're JUST LIKE YOUR MAMA, isn't that nice of him.

your first halloween was this month, and we all dressed up as pumpkins, a jack-o-family. next year we'll do something more creative, this year i was a bit low on energy and creativity and the creative ideas came a little late. nana came out to spend the weekend with us and you just loved answering the door with her and seeing all the people there. you also loved visiting the neighbors when we dropped off goodie bags for them. we also went to the pumpkin patch with mommy group, and to a halloween lunch where we borrowed your friend lexi's banana costume to take a picture. now why didn't we think to dress you up as a banana? i told you, all the creativity came a bit late.

you and i went to the zoo for the first time this month too, which i think you enjoyed. really, these outings are more for the mommies than the babies at this point, but you were very interested in the flamingos (until we tried to take your picture, of course - then you were more interested in your sunglasses). they were noisy and smelly and bright and moved around a lot and very fun to watch. in stark contrast to my favorite, the lemurs, who were very lazy and quiet that day and just sat there doing nothing and you got bored very quickly with that.

with your buddy lexi at the pumpkin patch. you were the cutest punkin ever!

you also started eating solids this month, much to my chagrin, because babies don't eat solids - big girls do but not babies - and i wanted you to stay my baby for as long as possible. but your pediatrician said you needed to have started them by 6 months, so here we are. you love squash and green beans and carrots, but you hate rice cereal, and you hate bananas only marginally less than rice cereal. we're still trying on the bananas, though every time i shove some in your mouth you look at me as if you're this horribly abused child and i must hate you on some level.

your personality has exploded this month - not that you didn't have one before, but it's become much more apparent now. you have OPINIONS and you are not afraid to let us know them. you actually spit some bananas at me the other day. you let us know when you are tired of being in the high chair, or want to be held, and it's very obvious when you're sleepy and need a nap. what a wonder a little sleep does for you - you turn back into my wonderful little ray of sunshine. you wake up and grin this huge happy grin when you see your father and me, as if say YOU! IT'S YOU! AGAIN! MY FAVORITE! i hope you'll always be like this, excited to see us, because we are always excited to see you.

okay, now this is my favorite picture of you ever. you love that little chewie, and even though i swore i'd never put you in little headbands (and we don't ever wear them), you look so sweet and girly in this one. you just get more beautiful every day.

i love you, banana.
love,
mama

hannah recommends: crinkle squares!

2009-11-10T12:43:00.000-08:00

just so you know, this is not exactly a shameless plug for my etsy shop. there's nothing new under the sun - a friend's baby had one, and i was intrigued by it. [so, they ARE out there to buy commercially - i don't know where or what they're called, but they're there.] her daughter loved it, and i figured i could make it pretty easily. i made a "test" one for hannah and she ADORES it.

i've posted about these on my facebook page, and a couple baby-less friends asked what they were. a crinkle square is simply two pieces of fabric sewn together with a crinkly middle. i usually use two layers of cellophane though i did initially purchase "crinkle material." cellophane seems to work just fine - it does melt under intense direct heat, so i do have to be careful when pressing them, but i wash hannah's in hot water and dry in the dryer on high heat and the square is fine. on one side i use plain cotton in a cute print, and on the reverse i use some sort of interesting textured fabric for tactile interest.

hannah has two though i've been selling them as a set of 3 which is cheaper than buying them individually. she has a cute one with pink flowers and brown corduroy on the back which she's kind of meh about. i think she's not keen on the corduroy, though another friend's son LOVES his corduroy one. the one in the photo above is the "test" one i made with her butterfly fabric and some plush minky that my mother had sent up for a changing pad cover. that plushie square is one of her absolute favorite toys so far. it's soft and feels kind of like a burpie (which she also loves). she can stuff it in her mouth (but not choke on it thank heavens) and squish it and best of all IT MAKES NOISE. thank the Lord it does not make annoying noise like some of her toys. she can happily play with her crinkle square for 20 or 30 minutes straight, and i don't go insane after 10 seconds of listening to it.

get them here! i was thinking too, they would make a great baby gift.

who ever heard of a kid who DIDN'T like sugar.

2009-11-07T09:41:00.000-08:00

and so it begins, the end of hannah's babyhood. (actually, every little milestone to me is another little bit of the end of her babyhood.) dum dah dum dum: solids!

which is such a joke, right? i mean, if her food were ACTUALLY solid, it might stay in her mouth, instead of dribble out the corners and get smeared all over her eyebrows.

we started with rice cereal two weeks ago: no luck, she hates it. i've heard this is typical, not that i exactly see why, i mixed it with breastmilk, her favorite - and i even tried it, and it was not so bad. better than oatmeal in my humble opinion, not that MY opinion matters much because it's not going into MY mouth. she did not like it thick, she did not like it thin, she did not like it in-between. we have tried multiple times since introducing other foods and she still grimaces as if she is eating poo.

bananas, i thought! bananas will be better! so sweet and sugary, who can resist a banana. (well, me - i don't like bananas personally, but still. it's not going into MY mouth.) i've heard it takes about ten tastes to start to actually develop a liking for a food, but after about the fifteenth try she still looks at me like, "really, mama? bananas? why do you hate me?" and spits them out.

and yes, i've heard the trick where you hold the spoon in the baby's mouth, on top of her tongue, so she learns to eat off the spoon. every time we do that she pulls her tongue back and gags herself and we end up in a screaming fit, which is not a pleasant way to conduct feedings, so we're skipping that part for the moment. could my baby be a bit of a drama queen? NOT OUTSIDE THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY.

speaking of poo, WOW, her diapers. i thought they were bad before, when we hit about the 4-month mark, but those were butterflies and rainbows compared to these diapers. WHOA NELLY, girl can poop.

all things considered, bananas were hated less than rice cereal, and squash was hated even less than bananas. i think she actually kind of liked the squash. so far green beans seem to be successful also. maybe my daughter will be a vegetarian with no sweet tooth? one can only hope.

update: because her poop is more solid now and no longer as washable as breastfeeding poop, i made a diaper sprayer so i don't have to swish her soakers in the toilet bowl. it was very easy and inexpensive. see my tutorial here.

the countdown begins

2009-10-13T20:12:00.001-07:00

as of today, i have exactly six more working days left until i become a stay-at-home mom!

i've kept this a bit under wraps because i did not notify my job until just this past friday (the official two weeks). my hours were given to a girl hired during my maternity leave and my boss refused to restore them. i work for a small business, so technically he is within the letter of the law (even the very strict california law), even though in my humble opinion that's a f&#^ed up stunt to pull. part-time rates are not available at the daycare in which we chose to place hannah [prior to notification that my hours were cut], so working 16 hours a week was netting us approximately $600 per month after all was said and done. so we chose to take the plunge and become a single-income family.

this is exciting and scary all at the same time. i'm thrilled to be able to take care of my daughter full-time, and not have to leave her with someone else to experience all of her cuteness and sweetness and life. brian feels less anxious because she will be with me instead of in daycare (he was very concerned about daycare in general, even though our place is GREAT).

but... i've never not worked. at least, not since i was 16, save the four weeks i took off when i got married and the four months i took off earlier this year when hannah was born. i've never not contributed a paycheck to our household - even when i was on leave this summer, i still received disability and pfl checks that went into our bank account. i worry about depending solely on brian's income, and i worry about my ability to budget properly for household expenses. i worry that i will end up resenting my husband, who works a very high-stress job with long, unpredictable hours, when he comes home from work and [rightly] relaxes in front of the television while i am at my wit's end trying to get dinner ready with a cranky, fussy baby who has been cranky and fussy all day long.

i know some of you who read this are or have been sahms yourselves... how do you handle these fears? any words of advice for me? i know my situation is not unique, but it is very new to me.

love letters: month five

2009-10-11T12:43:00.000-07:00

dear hannah,

banana! you are five months old today!

i think i will always use exclamation points when i tell you how old you are, because not only is it exciting for you, but i just can't believe it. and finally, FINALLY, we are getting into the swing of things. okay, maybe we were in the swing of things a month or so ago, but still. it feels like it has taken five months to get this mothering thing figured out, sort of. now don't you go growing or changing on me anytime soon. you've gotta give me a chance to get used to this.

your grandfather visited, and we went out for pizza and gelato. i caught him giving you some, even though we have not started you on solids yet. obviously, you like chocolate gelato.

it seems like every month you are growing by leaps and bounds. you have continued your vocal explorations this month and are regularly squealing, babbling, cooing, and laughing. you have the sweetest giggle, all throaty from way down deep in your belly, and you love to grin with your mouth open wide and your nose all squinched up, as if you are SUPER! EXCITED! BY WHATEVER IT IS I'M DOING! you love shrieking, which your father worries is not normal. i just remind him that apparently, we are raising a pterodactyl, but not worry, you'll turn out fine.

you had your second round of immunizations this month, which of course you hated, and i'm really sorry to break it to you, but your 6-month boosters are scheduled for your 6-month birthday. if it makes you feel any better, i had to get my flu shot this month, and i'm still alive. you were in a great mood for the doctor which was a relief as you screamed through your two-month appointment and i was afraid she'd think i was a horrible parent. you are in the 95th percentile for height, which i guess is what i get for marrying a giant like your father. you've already outgrown your carseat.

you continue to be insanely interested in toys and can spend over an hour rolling around on the ground under your activity gym, tugging on the stuffies and making it sing. however, you're not hugely interested in rolling over. you did it a number of times a couple months ago but since then you've been kind of meh about it. you're perfectly happy to roll on your side, but you've only rolled onto your belly from your back once. when we do tummy time, you haven't figured out that you can roll from your belly to your back to end it, so when you get tired of tummy time you just lay there on the ground with your face planted into the blanket and cry. i'm a little worried that you might grow up to be a serial killer WHO KNOWS IT COULD HAPPEN if you don't start rolling regularly soon, but your pediatrician says not to worry.

however, you LOVE the crinkle square i made you, and you LOVE your rattles. anything that makes noise - you're all over it. you stand in front of me and just wave that rattle around. the other day at mommy group you kept whacking yourself in the head with it, but you didn't care. you just had this huge grin on your face, as if it were the best thing in the world. you are such a sunny, happy baby - everything that i had hoped for. you greet every day with a huge smile, because you are just SO! EXCITED! BY LIFE! AND LIVING!

i gave notice at my job two days ago, so in two weeks my only jobs will be to be your mommy and to be daddy's wife. no more daycare for you! it's kind of a strange feeling right now, and kind of surreal. i've never not had a job, never not contributed financially to the household. but in two weeks, i'll have the best job ever - i get to be your mommy, all the time.

i love you, my banana.
love,
mama

hannah's mom

2009-09-30T07:24:00.000-07:00

the other day when i picked The Kiddo up from daycare, one of the older kids patted me on the hip in that sweet way kids do and told me how she played with hannah that day and hannah smiled at her, she made hannah happy. the girl addressed me as "hannah's mom, hannah's mom." i'm no longer erin, or brian's wife, or even mrs. stensler. i'm just "hannah's mom."

it's taken me some time to grow into my new role and to learn to enjoy being hannah's mom. i didn't at first. sure, i loved my baby, no doubt, but we weren't in love. others have likened having a baby to falling in love all over again, which is an apt analogy, except that for me, it takes time to fall in love. i'm not one of those fairy-tale love-at-first-sight people. and hannah was sure a cute newborn, but it wasn't love at first sight. there were more than a couple nights, expecially that first month, that i cried to brian how i didn't want this, didn't want this life, wanted my old life back, the life we had before we even thought about getting pregnant.

now, almost five months later, i can say that i am in love with my baby and mean it completely. i love being hannah's mom. i love waking up in the morning and finding her little face two inches from my own, eyes wide open with a big grin the moment she sees i'm awake. i love how she falls asleep next to me when nursing in the middle of the night and snuggles into my body. i love that just being picked up and held by mama can (usually) quiet even the most frantic, distressed cries. i love that she recognizes when i sing "you are my sunshine," and quiets down to listen to me singing to her, and smiles up at me from my arms. i love how she reaches her little hand out to pull me to her when she wants to nurse. i love how she isn't too sure about grass when we lay on the lawn and look at the clouds, but she watches me and as long as i'm okay with it, she is too. i love how she rolls her eyes back in her head, grabs my hair and giggles when i nom on her belly. i love cuddling her, kissing her, showing her new things, watching her learn and grown and smile.

i love being hannah's mom.

baby abuse and protection, all in one dose

2009-09-18T09:52:00.000-07:00

(thanks jess, i was feeling a bit uncreative)

the doctor pronounced hannah happy and healthy at her four-month checkup yesterday. she is 15 pounds 2 ounces, 77th percentile, and 26 inches long, a whopping 95th percentile. okay, obviously this does not compare to someone else's giant baby, but she's on the fast track to be taller than anyone on MY side of the family so i am suitably impressed by her growth.

and then we got shots. three of them, to be exact.

i'm too squeamish to watch the nurse stick her, but i snapped away for posterity. but oh, poor kiddo. her screaming broke my heart. i wanted to grab up my baby and run out of the room... but we stayed, because i know that's what's best for her.

SHE certainly did not think this was what was best for her. please note the color of her head. "why you stick me, evil shot lady?!?!?"

and then it was over, and we stood up and i held her tight, close to my heart. i whispered in her ear that everything was okay, and she stopped screaming.

we went downstairs to mommy group, and she saw all the other babies, and it was like it never happened.

until next time. sorry, kiddo.

love letters: month four

2009-09-11T10:05:00.000-07:00

dear hannah,

happy birthday, my four-month-old baby!

i cannot believe you are four months old. four months ago i didn't even know you, not really. and now i can't imagine my life without you. and speaking of four months ago, where is the baby we brought home from the hospital, all squalling and red-faced and tiny? did you eat her? you must have eaten her because damn, girl, you are getting HUGE. you have about 8 more ounces to go and then you have doubled your birth weight. IN FOUR MONTHS. that's what i get for marrying a giant, eh?

this has been such a busy month, not just for you but for us also. summer ended and we tried to pack in as much fun stuff as we could. like aunt alice's wedding... you were so well-behaved and quiet during the wedding, and then at the end you let out a big huge fart. daddy was so proud! and everyone at the reception just loved on you and you were so pretty in your dress. the next day you got to meet aunt kirsten and uncle rick, and the next day after that we drove home.

and you! you are changing and learning at lightning speed. even faster than that, maybe. this month you figured out that you have a tongue. who knew?! this has resulted in tons of drool (your daddy swears you are teething, but he's wrong) and lots of spit bubbles and raspberries. the raspberries are cute but you hate the resulting bibs that the drool has engendered. keep it in your mouth and we won't have to go there, kiddo.

your new favorite thing is waving your feet around and sticking them up in the air.

along with your tongue, you have also discovered your voice and how to use it. you've been cooing for a while now, but this month you have started to figure out conversation and communication, and you really like to add to the communication. when we're in the car with the radio on, you like to start talking and squealing in the backseat... but if i turn the radio off so i can listen to you, you fall quiet. i hope this doesn't become a habit, this silence towards your parents, because otherwise how are we going to keep you out of trouble when you are sixteen and figure out who the cool bands are?

speaking of cool bands, we took you to your first concert this month! we went to see def leppard and poison up in marysville. you did wonderfully, i think you liked it. there were lots of bright lights and you could hardly tear your eyes away from the stage. it was a beautiful night, clear and warm but not too warm, and i wore you in the front pack and we danced to the music and you loved it. you even let me cover your ears when we were dancing, which i know you hate. you fell asleep during def leppard which only confirms my suspicion that we are, in fact, raising a flexible baby. and yes, i breastfed you during the concert. we sat there on the lawn on our blanket and had us some nursing. yes, we are now Those Parents.

we also took you to your very first giants game this month. i think you did not enjoy that as much as the concert. we loaded up on the sunscreen and thankfully did not get burned, but it was hot and even with your hat and sunglasses i think it was a bit bright for you. you were a bit fussy and then slept through some of the game, but then edgar renteria hit a grand slam in the bottom of the seventh inning to bring the giants ahead, and the crowd went wild, and you went nuts. you looked at me with these wide eyes, opened up your mouth, and let out the loudest wail ever. i think we could hear you on the tv replays later that night.

you were happiest at the game while you were sitting on my lap playing with your rattle, which thankfully i clipped to your onesie with a paci-clip because you kept dropping it and i was NOT going to be picking it up every ten seconds. that's something else new this month. all of a sudden you have become very interested in TOYS! these magical things that make noise and can be grabbed and held and squished between your fingers! of course, you not only love toys but also toys that are not really toys, like burpies. when you sit in your rocker and watch me make dinner, i usually give you a burpie to play with. i think you like the softness of the flannel. you pull on it and twist it and let it slip and slide through your fingers. you stuff it in your mouth and rub it over your face, and drop it on your knees and then pick it up again.

i went back to work this month, and even though i know i have to, it breaks my heart every day to leave you in daycare and let a couple hours of your life go by without me. daddy and i feel very strongly that i should be a full-time mommy to you, so we're working as hard as we can to make that happen. in the meantime, you seem quite happy at daycare. you love sitting on miss courtney's lap, and all the other kiddos at daycare are THRILLED beyond belief that there is a baby there. you seem to love your peeps there too. you don't notice me when i first walk in, and i watch you watch them, absolutely mesmerized. there is so much for you to see and do and touch and taste and learn every day, and you are absolutly engaged and excited and happy to do it. i love watching you like this, sweetie. don't ever change.

so far, this is my all-time favorite picture of you. you're so beautiful, kiddo, and you always will be the most beautiful thing i've ever seen.

love,
mama

cloth diapers

2009-09-10T09:43:00.000-07:00

love my baby in cloth diapers. L.O.V.E. them.

we actually don't use only the gdiapers that i raved about. (sarah also raved about them here.) i think maybe a lot of people using cloth do this, have multiple different diapers that they use. our multiples are handmade which thrills me to no end. add that to the thrill of having tk in cloth diapers and you just might see my head explode.

i had mentioned a long time back how my mother was sewing diapers for the upcoming baby; once she arrived we discovered that they did not work so well. they leaked all over the place, because even though they were plastic lined, once the flannel inside got wet there was no stopping the moisture from spreading out the legs. my poor mother. you have to give her credit though, this was her first foray into diaper-making and she handled this setback well: she went right back to the drawing board and got some different fabrics. she made some more, we tested them, tweaked them, perfected the design, tightened up the elastic (she seems to be afraid of elastic, but i think you can't be if you want the diapers to work), and lo, we have a fabulous diaper!

it's a pretty basic diaper design, but what you can't see are the pockets on the inside edges (front and back) to hold the soaker, so the soaker can just be changed out and the diaper itself reused if it's still dry. that was a little design tweak that she ripped off from the gdiapers and modified and i love it. we have a couple in this pretty peach and a couple in a beautiful mint green too.

this one was a gift from my friend jaimey. isn't it fun? her design is one-size, so the velcro waistband is very large so that it can expand as the kiddo grows. the top also snaps down so that the diaper can be elongated as the kiddo grows, too. isn't that clever?

when she sent them, hannah was kind of swimming in them, so we have not used them yet. also, with jaimey's diapers you can just lay the soaker into the middle, or you can slip it into a pocket in the back (in between the lining fabric and the outer waterproof fabric) for an all-in-one diaper. i'm telling you, CLEVER.

this one is also from jaimey and it is my absolute favorite of all the diapers we have. ohmygosh is that print not the. best. EVER. i just love it. and yes, she'll make you some too! you can find her diapers here.

my mother also slipped a pattern off the gdiapers that i have so we could make our own! she made one and sent it to me and it is absolutely adorable. i forgot to take a picture of it though. who knew one could get this worked up and excited over something the baby poops in?

also, i made wet bags! they were insanely simple so i don't know why i am so ridiculously excited about them, but i am. i made four for carrying around with us, with a drawstring closure on the top and cord stops to keep the wet diapers from leaking out. i also made two (waterproof) cloth liners for my diaper dekor diaper pail. we had specifically chosen this pail because it did NOT wrap the diapers individually like the diaper genie does. can you imagine having to undo each one of those before washing? no thank you. the refills for the diaper dekor are not insanely expensive - $14.99 for two, and one refill lasts about two months - but why pay for it when you don't have to? so i made two liners - one for the pail, and one to put on the pail when the other liner is in the wash. it's not like we have to do any extra laundry to wash the pail liner, so why buy them?

am a working girl once again

2009-09-02T18:15:00.000-07:00

i started back at work yesterday and let me tell you, WORKING SUCKS. there are a multitude of reasons that would be inappropriate to discuss here, but largely WORKING SUCKS because i have to leave my kiddo to be babysat by another mommy, while i go babysit my clients. what is wrong with this picture?

also, WORKING SUCKS because pumping at work sucks. pumping at work sucks not only because of my somewhat ignorant colleagues who felt that i ought to be able to pump in the bathroom instead of the break room. since i did not feel like enlightening them on the finer points of the law and my legal right to be provided a space, i just told them it was illegal for me to pummp in the bathroom because it is unsanitary. good Lord. i mean, i actually had to remind my boss that he wouldn't eat lunch in the bathroom, so i shouldn't have to prepare the kiddo's lunch there either.

pumping largely sucks because of the aforementioned leaving my kiddo. sure, i pump every morning anyways, so i'm no stranger to my breast pump. we're good friends. but there is a HUGE difference between pumping for a good cause and pumping because your kiddo is in daycare. so yeah, it sucks.

all of this has just strengthened my resolve to get our life straightened out so i can be a sahm. brian too... he actually checked her last night for bruises. bruises! as if i would send her to a daycare that might abuse her! still, he says he worries because someone - anyone - other than me is taking care of her. so hopefully i'll get to be sahm soon. this daycare thing is breaking my heart every day.

pimp mama

2009-08-28T09:24:00.000-07:00

click here to vote for hannah as the cutest baby!

i am well aware that there is a VERY fine line between entering your baby's picture in a cutest baby contest because, well, she's just SO DAMN CUTE and pimping out your kid. how do you know when you've crossed it?

might need to be getting out more

2009-08-26T13:05:00.001-07:00

so, i'm going back to work in a week.

actually, less than a week. my first day back at the office is tuesday, september 1.

i'm having very mixed emotions about going back to work. on the one hand, i'm going to miss my daughter. i'm going to miss all the grinning and cooing she does during the day. i know, i'll get my fix when i come home each night, but still. and i'll miss all the things she'll learn how to do during the day while i'm at work. i mean, eight hours is a long time when you've only been out in the world for 15 weeks. what if she learns to sit up while i am at work, and i miss it? or if she crawls, or takes her first steps, or learns to fly and airplane, all while i am at work?

(fortunately, we have her in a wonderful daycare that i have no worries about. it's actually not the one i mentioned before; that one fell through, but we were able to find another that is just as wonderful, though unfortunately not as easy on our budget. and i'm not going back to work full-full-time. i'll be taking thursdays off, so i can still go to my mommy group and have an extra day with our kiddo.)

also, selfishly, it's pretty damn nice being lazy and staying in my pajamas most of the day and not having to work. and just try getting anywhere on time. it's impossible. at least while i'm not working, we have quite a large cushion of time (read: the entire day) to make it out the door to do normal things like shop for groceries and go to the bank. in one week i am going to have to try to wrangle myself AND a baby out of the house by 830a. with both of us fed, bathed, clothed, and ready for the day. it was hard enough to get myself out of the house on time BEFORE i had a baby.

on the other hand... man, i hate to say this, but it's kind of dull, taking care of an infant. it gets really boring, really fast. i mean, i love her to pieces and she's cute and all, but you can only coo and giggle and grin back at the baby so much before you go out of your head. changing diapers gets really old, really fast. so does nursing, even. i mean, we got past the troublesome beginning, the pain and the difficult latch and the overactive letdown, and now it really is all sunshine and rainbows and puppies frolicking in the meadow, the intimate emotional connection between me and my baby that i had hoped and heard it would be. but i do have those moments when i feel like, damn girl, AGAIN? you want to eat AGAIN? from me? can't you just go make yourself a sandwich already?

so, there it is. i mean, i know in the grand scheme of things i'm pretty lucky. i got to stay home with my baby for 16 weeks (by the time i go back to work), which is 2+ weeks longer than most people who continue working. we can't afford right now for me to be a sahm, but hopefully by the beginning of next year we will be able to manage without my income, or at least i can cut my hours down to three or even just two days a week. at the moment part of me doesn't want to give up my job, my independence. it's my connection to adults and adult conversation (thank heavens for mommy group too!) and helps reset my brain from baby-only.

case in point: last night brian came home and asked about my day, and i told him how we went to kohl's to return some stuff and get him some new work shirts, and she made a HUGE noisy poopy right there in the middle of men's furnishings. in her diaper, but still. and then grinned at me. i took her into the bathroom to change her, and MAN was it ever huge - her entire bottom was covered with poop - and she just continued to babble and grin at me. scintillating, no?

rise and shine!

2009-08-25T20:46:00.000-07:00

this is pretty generally what i wake up to each morning. she can do this sometimes for forty-five minutes before she gets annoyed and starts to fuss.

daddy's girlfriend

2009-08-24T07:57:00.001-07:00

i can't decide who i love more.

daddy's first babysitting adventure

2009-08-20T15:52:00.000-07:00

last night went like this:

430p: slap on a little makeup before work meeting.

440p: change baby into a fresh, dry diaper.

445p: nurse baby. wait for brian to get home.

455p: brian bursts in the door from work. just in the nick of time, hannah has been saved from the horror of having to be watched by our very lovely neighbors, who are actually a little sad that they don't get to watch her.

505p: ride arrives and i leave for work meeting.

530p: arrive at work meeting. drink one pomegranate margarita. damn, that's good.

630p: meeting ends and dinner begins. drink second pomegranate margarita. surprisingly, no buzz.

735p: first call from brian. he wants to know where the diapers are. the disposables, not the cloth ones. he refuses to use the cloth ones. i changed her three hours ago and he's only just changing her NOW?? obviously, someone is not changing enough diapers.

745p: drink third margarita, a prickly pear one this time. even better than the pomegranate, if that's possible! still no buzz. sigh.

810p: second call from brian. i left him no food for hannah, he says. i remind him that the milk is in the fridge. you know, all that stuff that he complains makes our fridge look like a sperm bank. he informs me that all the bottles are in the dishwasher which is running and i remind him that there are extra bottles in the cupboard. which cupboard? the one over the sink. and how does he warm them up? i left three hours ago and he is only just feeding her NOW?? obviously, someone is not doing this enough.

815p: sadly leave restaurant, as i would have liked more margaritas and a better buzz.

845p: arrive home prepared to "pump and dump," which sucks psychologically to pour all that down the drain, but the night out is always worth it. get chewed out for not leaving husband better "prepared." fortunately baby is still alive. you win some, you lose some.

love letters: month three

2009-08-11T08:12:00.000-07:00

dear hannah,

today you are three months old!

that's one quarter of the way to your very first birthday. ONE QUARTER DONE WITH YOUR FIRST YEAR. can you believe you're already this old? i can't. and it only gets better from here, kiddo. before you know it you'll be turning thirty one and wondering how in the world did you get to be THIRTY ONE, and where in the world are my car keys because that downhill slide into forgetfulness starts pretty early in our family, let me tell you. boy howdy.

monster socks from aunt kerry

to say this month was exciting is kind of an understatement. besides it would get old pretty quickly because everything for you is new and exciting right now, and i think i will continue to be excited by you for the rest of my life. at any rate, it was still a pretty exciting month for you. for starters, grandma pam came and stayed with us for a long weekend and you just loved being cuddled by her. she couldn't get enough of you and i certainly appreciated a break from changing diapers. it's getting kind of old, kiddo. can you please be potty-trained soon?

this month was also your first overnight stay without us! our five year anniversary was on august 1, and you stayed with nana while daddy and i had a special night out together. we thought we would be okay, because we knew there's no one else who could take better care of you than nana (except us, of course), but we really missed you. so much so that we came back to get you a little early on sunday. i think nana was kind of disappointed by that. she was just over the moon to have you to herself for such an extended period of time. i think she would come live with us if we would let her, just so she could see you every day. don't go getting any ideas in your head because i am quite territorial.

you also had your first big trip this month - you and i drove 8 hours down south to stay with grandma pam for a week. daddy is flying down to join us in a couple days, because auntie alice is getting married at the end of the week. you have gotten lots of time in with grandma pam and have gone with me everywhere and met so many new people. you were very well behaved for alice's bridal shower the other day and everyone thought you looked so pretty in your dress. you just loved being held and loved on by all the ladies. thank you for smiling for them and making me look like a good mommy.

you finally fit into all these clothes we have for you, and boy are you ever cute, every single day. one day two weeks ago we stayed in our pajamas all day and just cuddled and nursed and read, because you looked so adorable in your sleeper, the white one with the pink trim, that i couldn't bear to take you out of it. you seemed just fine, because hey! you got to nurse all day long! and as long as you are attached to my boob, That From Which All Good Things Flow, you are a happy camper and all is right in the world.

you also had your two-month checkup this month, and your first shots. the pediatrician says you are so perfectly healthy and growing so well, which was good news to your dad and me. i knew you were growing just fine, though. after all, i'm the one who lugs your round little body up and down the stairs each day and MAN are you ever getting heavy. you did not like getting shots, of course. the nurse stuck you with the first needle and you were fine for about two seconds and then your head turned into a tomato and you screamed like nobody's business. you did not even like the oral rotavirus vaccine and tried to spit it out, just like you do sometimes when i try to give you your vitamins. some days i think it might be easier to give the vitamins to the cat.

you are figuring how to wiggle out of your swaddle most days, and just a few days ago you figured out how to roll from your back to your tummy! unfortunately, you are only doing it at night when you sleep, while you are swaddled. you are sleeping on the floor on a quilt next to me down here at grandma's, and i woke up to find you sound asleep on your belly three nights ago. when i rolled you back onto your back, you promptly rolled back over onto your belly. two nights ago i woke up three times to find you sound asleep with your nose mashed into the quilt. every time i wake up i have a minor heart attack that you've suffocated yourself, but you don't sleep more than 20 minutes unswaddled. i guess this is just a taste of what your teenage years will be like.

this month we have also been doing a lot more tummy time, and you are getting really good at holding your head up. you even grin and seem to enjoy it at first sometimes, especially when i give you a lot of verbal encouragement. you like to be cheered on, that's for sure. it's really cute to watch you scrabbling around with your hands and feet and finally push your shoulders up. you kind of look like an upside-down turtle, when they get turned on their backs and their legs wave helplessly in the air. we usually get about five good minutes in and then you start to melt down, though i usually make you stay there for another minute or two after you start fussing because i don't want you to learn that you can fuss your way out of the hard things in life.

i'm sorry that i do that, even though it is for your own good. it breaks my heart to listen to you crying and watch you so frustrated and upset. i'm sorry for all the awful things in life that you have to endure, shots and dirty diapers and 8 hours stuck in your carseat and bored. i'm sorry i have to pull clothes over your head and swaddle you and that sometimes i have to do things like laundry and cook dinner and you can't be attached to me 24/7. it's frustrating but ultimately it's sad, because i know that before long you'll be fourteen and won't want to have anything to do with me, and all i will be able to see is the baby who grins up at me when i rescue her from the loneliness of her crib.

i love you, my banana.
love,
mama

in which i give away hannah's lifeblood

2009-08-03T12:44:00.000-07:00

i just sent off my first milk donation, approximately 220 ounces (44 5-ounce bags) which is everything i had in my freezer from june and july. i am so excited to have done this and cannot wait for next month when i can send off another batch, whatever extra i pump during august.

brian did not exactly understand why i would donate milk and who would need it. i explained that it could save a baby's life, because there are babies who have been abandoned at birth or whose mothers die (heaven forbid); mothers who are seriously ill with things like cancer, aids, or hepatitis, or have other health issues that prevent them from nursing their babies; premature or sick infants who need breastmilk but for whatever reason cannot get it from their mothers. there are mothers who have multiples, especially higher-order multiples, who simply cannot produce enough milk to adequately feed their babies. i pointed out to him that if something were to happen to me (heaven forbid), i would want hannah to continue to be "breastfed" with donor milk, because i strongly believe that is the best thing for her.

if you have the ability, please consider donating yourself. it's easy, painless, and can save a baby's life.

tummy time

2009-07-30T07:52:00.000-07:00

it usually starts out like this.

and then we roll over to our belly (assisted, of course).

we try flirting a little, because maybe we can get out of this?

and then we try scooting somewhere. she's going to be an expert at the military crawl, i just know it.

and finally we show off what a big strong girl we are.

good job, kiddo!

this weekend

2009-07-29T08:52:00.000-07:00

is our fifth anniversary, so the kiddo is staying overnight with nana and we're having the weekend to ourselves. any suggestions/advice?

diaper update

2009-07-17T16:05:00.000-07:00

much to my chagrin we are still not 100% into cloth diapers. we're getting a little closer every day though. i have a couple cloth diapers that my mother sewed that are a little big still, and a couple that need the elastic adjusted as they leak at the legs otherwise. and then i have my gdiapers. i mentioned before that i would report back on how i liked them once we started using them, so here you are.

i don't work for gdiapers and i'm not affiliated with them in any way. and i'm actually not using the ones i bought from them last month, either. the kiddo is only 12 pounds so doesn't fit the medium size i purchased. however i did find some in the small size on craigslist, which is what we have been using. and i love them.

LOVE. them. L.O.V.E. love them.

they do not leak. they are so cute and look like they are pretty comfy on tk. very easy to use and quite a clever system, with the polyester snap-in liner and the flushable pad. and those flushies? FABULOUS. i love flushing her poop away just like mine. no smelly diaper pail anymore! our diaper pail now holds only cloth stuff (wipes, changing pad liners, dirty diaper covers), which is how we intended it to be in the first place anyways. GREAT.

on the downside, those CUTE covers are not cheap. (SO lusting after these ones for tk, how ADORABLE are those?) i know cloth diapers in and of themselves are not cheap to begin with, but still. neither are those flushies. they work out to about 40c each, which is more than regular disposables, even the pennies-pricier nature babycare sposies that i prefer. so while i like the flushies and they are quite convenient, i think i'll save them for "special occasions," like when we go on vacation this winter and i won't have access to a washing machine when the diaper stash gets low. it's nice to be green and all, but i just can't afford to use gdiapers at that price, even with coupons.

fortunately i came up with a solution: cloth inserts instead of flushable ones. other cloth diaper brands do it all the time, so why couldn't i with these? i cut out three layers of terrycloth the same size as a flushie and stitched them all together. the terrycloth fits into the snap-in liner just the same as a flushie does, but i can wash and re-use these. three layers is nicely absorbent without becoming overly bulky.

then i discovered that gdiapers had just come out with washable cloth liners, just like me.

so that's where we are on the diapering issue. i don't have a ton of cloth liners, so we can only use them for about a day and a half before we have to switch to flushies or sposies. the cloth liners work great and i think are really the only way gdiapers could be cost effective as a cloth diaper. the flushies are great to use and all, a fabulous idea (the hybrid diaper - love it), but just don't fit into our budget on a regular basis.

definitely a contender for mommy of the year

2009-07-14T17:22:00.000-07:00

we had a lovely lunch this afternoon with my friend kelsey, who had been dying to meet hannah. i took a few more precautions today than when we went to san francisco last month to visit my sister and my cousin.

that day, weather.com said it was supposed to be a lovely 74º so she wore a cute little top and shorts, and her backup outfit was a cute little onesie and pants. IDIOT i lived in san francisco long enough, i should know better. it was overcast and cool and i did my best to keep her warm. i forgot to pack socks, because it was supposed to be warm. and yet, i forgot to pack her sun hat as well, and she got pink on her nose and cheeks. (darn that san francisco glare!) (fyi: according to my lactation consultant, "they" say no sunscreen until 6 months NOT because of the chemicals, but because "they" don't want you to rely on sunscreen and take your baby into the sun without being covered up. POOH. we have since bought sunscreen and she gets slathered with it when we plan on being out at all.) so today we were prepared with sunscreen, hat, and sunglasses.

not much of a conversationalist

and then we got home, and she sat on my lap to have a nice eat because she had to endure the indignity of a bottle while we were at lunch, and after she ate she had a massive blowout. on my lap. all over my skirt. and then grinned at me, all proud of herself. i guess it must have felt good to get all that out of her system. did i mention that she got it all out of her system ONTO MY LAP?

i think brian should cook dinner tonight.

love letters: month two

2009-07-11T08:32:00.000-07:00

dear hannah,

today you are two months old!

it is crazy to me to think how much our lives have changed in just two short months, and how much you have changed. you are so much bigger now than you were even just last month! i'll probably be saying that for the rest of my life. i realized this month how wonderful and heartbreaking it is, all at the same time, to watch your children grow. i am so excited to see you grow and to see the person you'll become, and at the same time i want to keep you teeny forever. daddy just can't wait until you can talk and tell us what you want. this whole crying-as-communication business you have going on is really getting to him.

you weigh twelve pounds now and you have grown almost three inches since you were born. grandma pam says you're quite the little porker! you eat like nobody's business, and you are starting to fit into 3-month sized clothes. i guess that is kind of a good thing, because we didn't have a ton of clothes to fit you in the smaller size, and we have mountains of 3-month clothes. i counted - you have over 40 onesies alone. not to mention the other things, cute little dresses and pants and tee shirts. if you could please stop growing for a little while so we can get some use out of all these clothes your father and i would be very much appreciative.

this month we celebrated your first fourth of july, independence day. you wore the dress i made you before you were born, even though it was a little bit big for you. i think it might fit you better on labor day or maybe even veteran's day this year. well, oh well. that's what you get with a mom who sews. you and i had a quiet day and just relaxed; daddy had to work but he brought home tri-tip from the barbecue at work and boy was it ever yummy. daddy wanted fireworks so you and i went out and got some for him, and that night we sat on the blanket on the tiny slope of our front lawn and watched daddy light them for us in the street. you watched the bright lights (i hope we didn't blind you) and then fell asleep. how could you sleep through all that noise?

i wanted to start the same kind of tradition as when i was a little girl. we lived in tacoma where fireworks are also legal (they aren't legal where i grew up in san diego county). every fourth, we would go over to my aunt pam and uncle harry's house in federal way for a barbecue. we would light sparklers and write our names in the air. they had a generous front lawn with a steeper slope - a hill, really - and my uncle harry, your grandpa mark, and your great-grandpa hap (who is doing fine now, by the way, and you'll get to meet him in august when we go down for aunt alice's wedding) would light the fireworks for us in the street. sometimes they wouldn't go off, and we would yell, "dud!" but mostly they would explode in a shower of bright colors and noise and we would ooh and ahh and applaud.

speaking of sleep, you having started cooing and giggling in your sleep. it's the cutest thing ever and it's nice to know you are having sweet dreams. (of what? boobs? tickles? dry diapers? you don't know much else yet.) the first time you cooed, i put you in your crib to sleep and immediately called your father to tell him. he said, i guess you had to be there? i guess, but it's still awesome to me and i don't want to ever forget it. i'm now trying to figure out how to predict when you'll do it, so he can see also because i don't think he really believes me.

this month you have become even more alert than ever. i think it's because you're sleeping so well through the night. usually you sleep 6+ hours at a stretch and some nights you bless me with 8 continuous hours of sleep. of course, when you wake up you scream to high heaven because during that time we have been depriving you of food and you are SO HUNGRY OH MY LORD FEED ME NOW, but to me that is a small price to pay for some much-needed rest. you continue to fight against the swaddle i put you in at night and i continue to do it, because you really do sleep so much better when you are swaddled. besides, i outweigh you by about twelve times and i like to abuse my power, and you are so cute when i unswaddle you in the mornings and your arms pop up.

the best part about you being alert is that you have learned to smile and laugh, and you are responding to us. you are so unhappy to have a wet diaper, but the moment i take it off it's like i have a brand-new baby. all you can do is grin and giggle and coo. you love to be tickled and when i kiss you, you squinch your body up and wiggle and coo. daddy talks to you when he holds you and you smile at him and coo back to him. in the past day or two you have started flirting a little also, coyly turning your head and peeking out of the corner of your eye as you give us a bashful little smile, and i am terrified to think of what you will be like in 14 years when you discover boys.

your smile is the best thing about my day, and i can tell it is the best thing about daddy's day as well. he started a new position this month and it has been super stressful, but when he comes home at night and sees you grinning at him, i can see all the stress of the day just evaporate from his shoulders. he just melts when you smile at him. i know you will be mad at us sometimes, and you'll slam doors and cry, as we try to balance your desires against what we feel is best for you, and i just pray that you never forget to smile at us and melt our hearts once more.

i love you, sweetheart.
love,
mama

nursery update

2009-07-06T11:25:00.000-07:00

the nursery is ever-evolving, not unlike my house. i change things out and add new things, i think everyone does. for example, we got this fun print from a friend, a baby gift for hannah. the artist noelle dass even wrote a personal note to her on the back!

this cute little chair sits in the corner of her room (or would, if the air mattress wasn't there currently so i can catch some sleep in the morning and not be disturbed by brian getting ready for work). brian thought she should have a little armchair. why, i don't know, but it's so cute and i hope she loves it when she is old enough to use it.

this lovely gift was handmade for us by another friend. i love the flowers, the beautiful embroidery (especially since i can't embroider to save my life) and how her name is spelled out by the dragonfly's trail. unbeknownst to kelly, brian expressed to me after hannah was born that he really wanted something with her name on it for her door, a "sign" or something. then we received this in the mail, and were so thrilled and touched.

i put philodendrons in her room also (the only plant i can keep alive), so she can grow up with living things around her. they're up high, on the shelves, so she can't accidentally eat the leaves. i don't feel like making a trip to the emergency room later because i was an idiot and left them too low.

mama recommends: watch your language

2009-06-30T18:13:00.000-07:00

in my spare time (hah!) i've been immersed in this:

how babies talk: the magic and mystery of language in the first three years of life by robera michnick golinkoff and kathy hirsh-pasek. it's so interesting to find out about how the kiddo's brain will develop and how she'll progress from being this helpless little baby into a little talking person - and what we can do to influence and aid that process. highly recommended.

gdiapers

2009-06-22T18:10:00.000-07:00

if you're at all interested in cloth diapering, pop on over to my friend jaimey's blog and get in touch with her about gdiapers' everyday g's contest. i've never used gdiapers and i'm excited for the chance to try them out. i love that the liner is flushable and compostable as well - green and convenient.

update: if you have never tried gdiapers, now is the time! i ordered mine and am SO excited for them to come so i can start using them. i'll give a full report when we start, which will not be until kiddo hits 13 lbs. though, to fit into the medium size that we ordered. (she's already 11½ lbs. so it won't be long.) in the meantime, use coupon code g628Buquet to get $30 off a 6-pack of everyday g's. that's 44% savings! awesome!

speaking of green and convenient, we've been trying different brands and so far my favorite disposable diapers are made by nature babycare. we are still in 'sposies as we currently only have two cloth diapers that work without leaking. my mother is sewing up a storm down south and hopefully we'll be able to transition into cloth full-time when she comes up to visit in a couple weeks. in the meantime, the nature babycare are pretty nice as far as 'sposies go. much nicer than the huggies pure & natural that had previously held first place. according to the package and the website, the nature babycare are also compostable/degradable, so i feel [marginally] less guilty about throwing them out.

my problem with 'sposies is not just the impact on the environment but also just the sheer waste - i pay all this money for something the kiddo is just going to poop and pee in, and then i throw that money in the garbage with the poop. it just kills me. even more so when we have times like last night, when i took off her diaper for her bath and discovered that she had barely used it. a tiny bit of poop and pee. of course, i can't put that back on her, so in the trash it goes and i didn't even get my money's worth of poop- and pee-holding-capability. so, keep your fingers crossed that we can be in cloth as soon as possible, it will save my sanity.

donate!

2009-06-21T22:04:00.000-07:00

i'm becoming a milk donor!

i'm very excited. i've always wanted to donate blood; i appreciate the need but can't get past the needle aspect. i've always had a donor sticker on my driver's license. now, i recently found out about milk donation - something i can do easily and painlessly. yippee!

we're just at the beginning - it seems to be quite a process. i had to get pre-screened and then fill out an application and get my ob and hannah's pediatrician to sign off. once that's approved, i have to take a blood test (a smaller needle and for less time than donating blood). once that comes back clear, they'll send me the supplies i need to donate the milk. it's a kind of reverse mail-order process, which is fortunate since we're about 100 miles away from the actual bank and i wouldn't relish the drive if i had to drop it off in person. i don't see why they wouldn't accept me as a donor. i'm perfectly healthy with an uneventful medical history (except for the craziness getting hannah born). i don't have any communicable diseases, or even any uncommunicable ones. as far as i can tell, i'm exactly what they're looking for.

if you have the ability, i strongly encourage you to consider milk donation yourself. it can help a baby live!

head shoulders knees and toes

2009-06-18T12:30:00.000-07:00

so nom-able.

there's a very good chance you'll find me nibbling on my daughter. if she's not sleeping, that is.

a clothes encounter

2009-06-15T15:04:00.000-07:00

i'm packing up my maternity clothes today! i actually could have done it sooner, but i've been lazy. blame it on the kiddo. i've lost all but 8 pounds of the weight i put on while pregnant. yay!

i had to go get new jeans though, because my pre-baby jeans just did not fit and won't really unless i lose another 10-15 pounds after the baby weight is gone. i think i was just deluding myself before that they fit. while i was at old navy looking for jeans i found a very cute top that will be great for nursing. strangely, i cannot find it online.

those gathers at the neckline are elastic so it pulls down very easily without stretching out the knit, and i think the fit is pretty universally flattering. i got two, because they are such a nice lightweight jersey and i'm very into comfy soft tops lately.

i also stopped by target last week to pick up a couple more of these nursing camis which i absolutely love. i had gotten a couple nursing bras there as well but am not a huge fan of them. specifically this one. (is it wierd to be posting about my underwear online?) it's just not as comfortable as i thought it would be. any recommendations on a comfortable nursing bra? i have not tried the medela ones yet, mostly because they are so pricey ($38) but i will splurge if anyone thinks they are worth it.

love letters: month one

2009-06-11T04:03:00.000-07:00

dear hannah,

today you are one month old!

one down, 727 to go. that's assuming i live to be 100.

i know, i know. it's so trendy to write these monthly newsletters these days. blame it on dooce, i guess, for starting the trend. in my defense, you have your journal that i started back when i first found out i was pregnant with you. i just figure if i hold myself to [at least] monthly entries then you won't get shafted on the journalling part when life gets in the way of everything else, as always seems to happen.

you have changed so much just in the one month since you were born. you are so much rounder now than when you were born, and so much pinker instead of the frustrated red you were when we were in the hospital. you are so much more alert as well, and trying to do so much. you are getting so good at holding up your head, especially when i put you on your tummy on the floor. and your little legs and feet work at the blanket, as if you are trying to figure out the whole walking thing - or at least crawling! - and can't. you seem so frustrated by not being mobile and self-propelling. all i can say is, don't worry and slow down, because there will be more than enough time for all of that. before you know it you will be crawling all around the house with your father and i racing behind you trying to childproof everything before you end up licking a light socket or something.

mummy's little mummy

i am trying to enjoy this time with you right now, because i know you will never be this little again and i know things about you will change and disappear before i even realize it. i'm trying to memorize all those things about you, like your startle reflex, which is so cute and sweet when you fling your arms wide and your eyes bug out. your sleep grins, in which i can see how sunny of a baby you will be when you really learn how to smile in response to us. the noise you make when you feed, all the coos and sighs and grunts as if you are having your own private conversation with yourself. (maybe you will grow up to be a food critic?) the chuffing sounds you make when you sleep. and how last week, you farted so strong and loud that it shocked your father and me and we got up to make sure everything was okay in your bassinet. then you smiled and sighed as if you had really needed that release and MAN did it ever feel good. daddy and i just about died laughing, it was so wonderful.

i'll be honest with you, this month has been pretty difficult on your dad and me. me especially, because i am your primary caregiver at the moment and also because i'm so hormonal still. the doctor says i'll be hormonal for about a year and your father says i am just insane, so get used to it, kiddo. it's just been a big adjustment, going from a peaceful house where the most demanding thing was the cat wanting breakfast to a house with baby things everywhere and spit-up spots on the sofa. and don't even get me started on the sleep deprivation. in the past few days you have started with the colicky screaming; the other night you screamed for seven hours straight and were quiet only when eating. i guess it's too difficult to scream with a mouthful of boob. your screaming sorely tests the limits of my mental health, and now you're hoarse when you cry.

and your dad has been such a champ and so helpful, even if i am not always so good at noticing it or letting him know how much i appreciate the things he does.

this month we have been struggling with my grandfather's health, your great-grandpa hap, grandma pam's father. he was diagnosed with non-hodgkin's lymphoma, didn't seem to respond well to chemotherapy, and contracted sepsis. i hope you get the chance not just to meet him but for him to be part of your life, but he may be too old for that. grandma pam and i just waited too long to have kids i guess and the generation gap is just too wide - he is 91. he is an amazing man, hannah. as amazing as your father, if you can believe that. he has such a love and joy for life and is so excited for you. i knew he approved of your father when he asked me when he was going to get some great grandkids - before your dad even proposed to me! he was over the moon when i was born, the first grandchild, and when we found out we were pregnant he was thrilled again. i hope he gets the chance to meet you. he has hoped for you for so long.

your father and i have also hoped for you for so long, and we are so glad you finally arrived and that we got to meet you. no matter how difficult our time is right now, we are so thankful that you are here. i have such hopes and dreams for you: i hope you are always happy, and that your life is full of love and joy. i know it is not possible for you to never hurt, but i pray that your pains will be small and short-lived. i wish we could protect you from those inevitable hurts. i know your father and i will make mistakes, and i hope you'll forgive us. we don't mean to make them; we're doing the best we can and trying our hardest to be good parents. i hope you always have you everything you need, everything you want, everything you dream of. i promise you, sweet girl, that we will always try to make sure you have all of those things.

above all, we love you more than anything.

love,
mama

marvelling that people actually choose to do this, again and again.

2009-06-04T13:23:00.000-07:00

i did not expect it to be this hard. everyone told me the first few weeks (months? years?) were difficult, but i didn't expect it to be this difficult. i knew i wouldn't be getting a lot of sleep, but i didn't expect to be getting this little sleep.

i didn't expect to love this little person so much it hurts. i want to protect her, make her happy, make sure she always has everything she needs and wants and dreams of. i know i can't and it breaks my heart every time i think about it.

i didn't expect to resent this little person so much. she is so needy and so much work and sometimes i just want time for me.

no one told me how much i would cherish her, nor how desperately i would want my old life back, the life we had before we got pregnant.

i didn't realize how wonderful my husband would be and how helpful. nor did anyone mention how much i would resent him for not helping more.

i expected to be hormonal and cry a lot without knowing why. i didn't expect to cry longer or harder or louder than she does, when she is in my arms and still upset in the middle of the night.

i didn't expect breastfeeding to be so hard, nor how painful engorgement would be. i didn't think it would be possible for me to have an overabundant milk supply or an overactive letdown, but i do, and it hurts.

i didn't realize how thankful i would be for the resources my medical group provides, like the free drop-in lactaction clinic with the awesome consultants, or the mommy & me network where a crying baby isn't frowned upon.

i didn't think i would be so ravenously hungry, all the time, even more so than when i was pregnant.

i didn't realize how much i would learn and how my views would change. i know now why people leave their kids in the car when they just need to run into the store quickly. i would never do it, but i understand why someone might.

no one told me how it would break my heart when she cries, or how healing her little grin would be. even though i know she doesn't know what she is doing yet when she smiles, it still fills up a place in my heart that i didn't even know was empty.

i did not expect my body to take so long to recover for childbirth, nor for the recovery to be so painful. i didn't realize i would still be bleeding four weeks later, or that my hips would still ache, or that my ribs would still hurt when i breathe.

no one mentioned that my body would feel so very strange. my insides feel loose and slippery, like the baby was holding things in place and now she is not there to do that.

i didn't realize how unselfish i could be (with respect to the baby), nor how selfish i want to be. we went to a movie the other night, sans baby, and i didn't want to go home to her - but i could never give her up.

i didn't expect to be able to function on this little sleep. i didn't realize how the days and nights would start to run together or that i would have no real concept anymore of what day of the week it is.

i knew my life would change drastically, but i didn't realize how drastically, and i didn't expect to love it and hate it so much, all at the same time.

the problem with sleeping when she sleeps

2009-06-03T12:52:00.000-07:00

is that it puts me on her schedule instead of the other way around.

which means i'm ravenous at 2 am, and fussy and desperately in need of a nap at 5 pm.

can't think of anything at the moment.

2009-05-29T23:09:00.000-07:00

hannah's baby shower cake made it onto cake wrecks! inordinately excited about this.

hannah's two-week appointment was yesterday and everything looks good. she has gained a pound over last week and a half an inch over her birth length. the nurse thinks so little because her conehead has disappeared and the extra length from that was probably counted in her 20" birth length; she was probably a little bit less. other than a bad case of diaper rash, she is perfectly healthy and happy.

and not only am i in love with my baby toiletries, but i got props on them from the doctor yesterday! she said specifically that my bum cream was great for her diaper rash, and mentioned that commercial baby wipes can sometimes aggravate diaper rash. i said that we were using cloth wipes instead, wet with either plain water or water with aloe vera gel, which she also heartily approved of. yay for me!

we're trying to start her on a good sleep schedule, but it's difficult. she's only three weeks old, after all. i'm not sure if it's too early to start but i figure we can at least try. i figure she needs to get used to sleeping in her crib, especially at night, and she needs to learn that nighttime is when we sleep and not when we are awake and needing to be cuddled and loved on. not that i don't want to cuddle and love on her, just that i want my sleep as well and the sooner she learns about sleeping at night, the easier life is going to be for mama and daddy and on her in the long run.

in other news, trying not to be too frustrated over brian's response to the baby. he gets very frustrated when she cries, especially when he can't stop it right away. he wants to cuddle her but only when she's quiet, and gets annoyed that "she just wants her mommy." i know he loves her - he's completely smitten - but i think he will like her a lot more when she can respond to him, when he can do something silly and make her smile at him.

sort of green baby (so far)

2009-05-26T13:46:00.000-07:00

updat on how things sre going on the green baby front:

1. love love LOVE my baby toiletries, especially the bum cream. her poor little crack was getting so red and rashy and in thirteen years she will probably die of embarrassment that her mother mentioned her bottom on the internet. the bum cream came out just the way i wanted it, soft and creamy and hallelujah IT WORKS. she still has a bit of rash (something i am attributing more to the 'sposies than the cream, more on those in a moment) but the majority of it cleared up within a day. i also love the lotion, it is nice and light and not greasy or anything. her feet were a little flaky for some reason and the lotion is very nice on them. and she got her first bath the other day with mom's lavender soap and i am happy to say her skin is as sweet and soft as before. (the evils of soap is a myth perpetuated by cosmetics companies, imho.)

2. love love LOVE her cloth wipes. we have been using them with solution sometimes and just water sometimes, and both i love. sometimes i microwave them for 20-30 seconds so they are warm on her bottom. my mother made them out of an old flannel sheet she had, just cut out squares and serged the edges. they're like little soft washcloths and much more effective than store-bought wipes, maybe because they have a little more texture. the solution i put in a spray bottle for easy dispensing, i also got a mini spray bottle for the diaper bag. so convenient. the only thing with the solution is, i started leaving the calendula oil out of the recipe. i know the idea is that it makes the wipe a little slippery (and thus suposedly easier to use) but it doesn't seem to get on the wipes anyway and they seem to be fine without it. unless i could figure out how to keep it in solution with the water, i think it will stay out. normally one would use polysorbate 20, but i'd rather stay away from the synthetic stuff for the moment.

3. not completely discouraged by breastfeeding, it's getting better. i tried pumping yesterday for the first time and can i just say, GET A HANDS-FREE PUMP. i have a medela pump in style which i thought worked pretty awesome, granted i have only used it the once but DAYUM i got 4½ ounces out of it in the one sitting. maybe that is not awesome but it was to my uneducated mind. i was so proud to see that little bottle sitting there in my fridge. my, how my priorities have changed. but, HECK. how in the world are you supposed to change the settings et cetera if you are holding both bottles to your boobs? i only have so many hands, people. jaimey, i am taking your advice and cutting up an old bra.

4. cloth diapers. ohh, sigh. not loving them. i think it is more the style/pattern of the diaper than the fact that it is cloth. my mother has been making them and if we are going to continue to use this pattern it is going to need some major tweaking. more elastic in the legs and across the back, but especially in the legs. a bit wider in the crotch, to accomodate the "pad." and the ones she made with plastic liner just don't work... if any flannel gets wet outside the liner, the moisture just seeps all across the outside. the minky/pul ones she made work WAY better. or maybe we just have to find another pattern. i'm not ready to give up on cloth just yet, even though brian insists he "cannot" change her when she is wearing a cloth diaper. in the meantime we are using these new huggies pure & natural 'sposies. as far as 'sposies go i rather like them. they're just so soft. i don't want hannah to wear anything i wouldn't want to wear if i were a baby, and these are just so soft and gentle against her skin.

this is why i blog

2009-05-23T20:43:00.000-07:00

thank you so much for the encouragement regarding the meds and breastfeeding. i tend to be prone to uti's so we've been flushing with cranberry juice (kelly, i LOVE that trader joe's juice straight up, no water) since monday, and now who knows what it is really since my culture came back clear, yet i have all the classic symptoms. this whole postpartum thing has just all been somewhat discouraging, which i did not expect. i'm thinking this is similar to my meltdown when i was pregnant: i just did not expect it to be this hard.

i did not expect breastfeeding to be so difficult. breast is best, everyone knows that - and if it's so natural and this is what my body was designed to do, and kiddo and i were designed to work together, then why would it be hard? but it is. (and thank you jaimey for confirming that i am not insane for thinking that.) i'm getting used to that, and getting used to that makes it easier to handle and more enjoyable, especially when she wants to eat and i want to sleep. which is like ALL THE TIME.

i did not expect to need pain meds for so long. i realized today that i think i'm one of those people who just doesn't know how to sit still. i'm happiest when i'm working on a project or two or twelve. i don't know how many times during my pregnancy my doctor and my husband and my mother and who knows all else told me to slow down and take it easy. i don't know what that means. i go out of my head "taking it easy." my mother and i are both convinced that i am mildly adhd, and if there had been such a diagnosis and treatment for it when i was a kid, i would have gotten the full course. unfortunately mildly adhd does not mesh well with recovery from major abdominal surgery. so i'm probably overdoing it some or a lot. besides, asking for more pain meds makes me feel like such a junkie, hence the guilt.

i'm not sure if any of this will make sense to anyone reading. i feel so sleep deprived lately and yet oddly hyperactively energetic. i'm convinced letdown stimulates some sort of hormone that puts one to sleep, because every time she latches on i nod off. if it does make sense, well then... good. and thanks again, because i am encouraged by you.

add one more to the list

2009-05-22T01:14:00.000-07:00

i'm trying very hard not to feel guilty about having requested more pain meds at this morning's doctor appointment. seems we are making a daily pilgrimage to the clinic for one reason or another these days - brian had an eye appointment, hannah has her weight issues, and me - well, i'm just a mess. as if labor and delivery weren't enough, i now also have a urinary tract infection. joy!

before we left the hospital my doctor wrote me a prescription for norco, which is similar to vicodin but has less acetaminophen. it's working well at controlling the pain from my cesarean, but i was down to the last couple pills, and when i slept through my reminder alarm and woke up in quite a bit of pain i decided that maybe now was not quite the best time to try to wean myself off of it. i'd rather not be taking highly addictive narcotics, but i'd rather more not experience the pain just yet. i've just had major abdominal surgery, thank you very much. i don't understand these women who go through this postpartum recovery basically without pain meds. one of my girlfriends only took vicodin for the first day after all three of her cesareans. another took only ibuprofen afterwards. i admire them for being able to do that because i'm no hero. the twinges and cramps send me crying into brian's arms. so we got more norco.

speaking of cramping, i thought we were done with that. i thought we had 2-3 days of afterpains and then my uterus would be relatively shrunk back to size and no more cramps. turns out i am not necessarily wrong in this, but lucky me, i have something else going on altogether: the day after hannah was born, the doctor came to me in the hospital and asked if i knew that i had uterine fibroids. i said yes, they've been there for a while and my ob can feel them, she just keeps an eye on them. they're small. he said, um, not exactly. apparently when he opened me up he found a fibroid the size of a baseball sitting on top of my uterus. he did not remove it because there was a risk of vascular problems and too much bleeding as my uterus contracted. also, removal would weaken that area of my uterus and i would be at a much higher risk of uterine rupture during labor for the next kiddo. so unless it starts causing me problems (i'm thinking that's unlikely as i didn't even know it was there until now) then it stays in until we are 100% sure we are done having children. and here brian and i thought it was hannah's bottom the whole time.

the fibroid shouldn't really cause any problems anyway, he said - i might have more cramping and heavier flow when i have my period. big deal. i've had that all my life. the only "problem" it is currently causing is these abdominal cramps. fibroids are apparently very sensitive to estrogen, so it was hanging out and getting fat and happy while i was pregnant and making estrogen like there was no tomorrow. once hannah was born, my estrogen production dropped like a mob man with cement shoes. as a result the fibroid is probably shrinking and causing my cramps.

the urinary tract infection is lots of fun because i can't feel anything down there. i've heard this is not uncommon after vaginal births. granted, i didn't have one, but since i pushed for almost 3 hours i get to claim vaginal birth aftereffects. i don't feel that pressure and urgency when i need to go, so i have to keep reminding myself to head to the bathroom every couple hours. but! not to worry! i can still feel that resistance to go, and the burning. yay! i was put on keflex for the uti, which should be an interesting experience as i've never taken it. usually i get cipro instead, because i'm allergic to the sulfa drugs that are commonly used to treat uti's. however, cipro does turn up in breastmilk and can cause problems for baby so keflex it is.

the printout of my "active medications" includes my prenatal vitamin (huh?) and is a bit horrifying to me:
- prenatal vitamin once a day
- motrin every 8 hours
- norco every 4 hours
- keflex twice a day
- stool softener twice a day
- nor-q-d (minipill birth control) once a day

i feel like my grandparents, with 86 pills spread before me at the breakfast table.

breast vs. formula (my experience thus far)

2009-05-20T02:19:00.000-07:00

only 8 days old and already life with hannah is an adventure. we had our two-day checkup on friday (15) afternoon and it turns out she is losing weight. we knew this already and that night began supplementing with a little bit of formula. i did not want my baby to be formula-fed but i wanted her admitted even less, which is what the pediatrician needed to do if her weight did not turn around fast.

i was kind of feeling discouraged and all about the whole breastfeeding thing anyways. i am not planning on giving up... just discouraged. i did not make it through 12 hours of HARD labor with no drugs just to complain about a couple sore nipples. besides we don't have the money to throw away on formula all the time. i am planning/hoping to breastfeed for a year or longer if i can. besides i did not have problems with engorgement when my milk came in thank the Lord, so how could i throw away THAT gift and decide to go to formula?

i honestly did not know what was wrong when i started feeding and it hurt. all the classes and books and websites say breastfeeding should not hurt, if it does you are doing something wrong. and it didn't hurt, at least not right away. but by thursday (14) when we went home from the hosptal it did. i told the lactation lady who came in to my room to help me before we left, and she helped but it still hurt. i didn't tell her though, i felt like it must be me if she was making the latch and standing over me making sure i was doing it right and it still hurt. now i think maybe she didn't know well enough what she was doing. then we went for our 2-day appointment with the doctor - usually that one is with a nurse practitioner so she can be sure you are feeding properly because pediatric doctors don't get a lot of training in breastfeeding but pediatric nurse practicioners do for some reason. that was when we found out hannah was SO down on weight, and the doctor recommended supplementing with a little formula. all babies lose some of their birth weight but hannah had lost a lot. 14 oz. in 4 days which was 12% of her birthweight and the doctors do not want to see more than 7% lost. they were ready to admit her if something did not turn around asap which is why the pediatrician suggested supplementation. i did not want to because i did not want her to get used to the (easy) bottle nipple and then not want to suck from mama, because boob sucking is harder than bottle sucking.

(aside: did you ever think i'd be discussing "boob sucking?" i never thought "boob" would become such a "normal" part of my vocabulary, personally.)

so brian went and got some formula. i had him get the liquid kind, smallest bottle he could, because i did not want to mix powders and i thought she might take it better than powder anyways. like how chocolate milk you buy in a refrigerated carton is WAY better than chocolate milk you make from powder. we had a coupon but still, i do not even want to know how much it cost. the liquid formula is more expensive than the powder so it must have been like gold.

we only gave her one ounce on friday night but she did not feed well when i tried later that night. THAT was discouraging, but i did not know then that formula keeps them fuller longer. i think it probably has more calories and less water. (because you can give a formula baby a teeny bit of water in the summer when it is so hot, but you can't a bf baby because they get all the fluids they need from breastmilk and can get an electrolyte imbalance.) it was nice that night to give my boobs a break - and then that night my milk came in. other than that she fed fine and when the nurse practitioner saw her on saturday (16) she had put on 3.5 oz. overnight. she said, otherwise how are things going? and i grabbed my boobs and said, sore, the usual, but otherwise fine. she said, would you like me to show you how to breastfeed her without it hurting AT ALL?

well heck, lady, when you put it like that... does the sun rise in the east?

she said usually babies have the reflex down okay but sometimes they don't know exactly what to do, and moms sure don't, so don't beat yourself up over it. i guess whatever she was doing was pulling on my nipple which caused the soreness and also the cracking/bleeding at the end. and she is not supposed to do that, but f she is not latched on properly sh will in order to get enough milk. i am still not quite sure what is different except in how i hold her back now, but i can feel she is not pulling on me and the cracking/bleeding is all healed on one side and almost all healed on the other. and let me tell you it is so nice to be able to feed your kid without dreading it. except that now i dread it at night because it means less sleep.

we gave her another ounce of formula sunday (17) night. she had another checkup with the pediatrician yesterday, and she had put on another 3 ounces! the doctor said if we only gave her 2 ounces formula and she gained 6.5 ounces in 3 days, that is DEFINITELY my milk (my milk had not yet come in when we first saw the pediatrician on friday) and good breastfeeding. i could sure tell when my milk came in. it is nice to know that for sure i have enough for her because she is putting on weight.

so now there is the rest of a 24-ounce bottle of similac in my fridge and can I tell you how tempting it is at 3 am? breastfed babies only sleep about 2-3 hours at a stretch because breastmilk is so easily digested and they are that hungry sooner. formula babies sleep 4+ hrs at a stretch i guess. and last night, like the night before and the night before that, I could NOT for the life of me get her to sleep in her pack & play. i personally was fine with her sleeping on my chest but brian did NOT want that because what if she rolled off, and i was sleeping HARD at that point so i would not necessarily wake up and notice. he had a point so i tried not to sleep with her on me but often i just dozed off, because when i'd put her in the pack & play (asleep) she would wake up and cry, LOUD. i finally got her to last night, yay me! brian stayed up with me to give me some moral support since it's not like he can feed her. but then about 230 am she was awake again and we heated up about 1/2 ounce of formula hoping it would be little enough to not affect her feeding and big enough to get her to sleep a little extra. we caved. i think she slept about 2 hours (in her crib! or maybe on brian?) and man did i need that. i'm such a better mommy when i have some slep under my belt.

on being completely unprepared

2009-05-18T01:09:00.000-07:00

i told one of my girlfriends the "true" story of my labor (as opposed to the laugh-it-off, "she didn't want to come out" story) and she commented that it sounded so scary. she is about 5 months along and wanted the "gory details." i commented back that it was really not scary and that i did not want her to be scared. and that was true, most of hannah's labor was really not so scary to me. i had somewhat anticipated it being terrifying, and had also anticipated feeling out of control and lost, and none of those things really materialized. i think it might have been because we took every childbirth class that was offered by my medical group. i also read all the books and reread all the stuff about labor and delivery in the two weeks before we had her, to remind me of everything. i had prepared myself and in that "moment of truth" (the entire labor process!) my preparation kept my fears at bay.

the things that were scary to me were the things i had not anticipated or prepared for. being catheterized, for example: i wasn't going to need to be catheterized, because i was going to be up and walking around and certainly would get to pee. i wasn't going to need vacuum extraction, because i wasn't going to get an epidural if i could possibly help it, and slow down my own labor and therefore need further interventions like the vacuum. i didn't know they strap down your legs when they perform a c-section.

and then i had to get in that bed to be monitored, and i rolled onto my side to get more comfortable, and after managing through a couple contractions like that, i didn't want to get out of bed (except to get in the shower, which brian made me get out of too soon). and therefore didn't pee, and had to be catheterized. and even though i didn't do anything to slow down my own labor, i didn't anticipate that maybe hannah and i were just not compatible and i might still need the vacuum extraction. (which did not actually scare me in and of itself - but the pudendal block did.) and they do strap down your legs, like in a bad horror movie. no one told me that.

even the failed spinal block, the failed epidural, and the cesarean section did not scare me, but i think at that point i was too exhausted to be afraid. i just wanted it OVER at that point. the only nerve-wracking part of that is that brian could not be with me, and that was all i wanted.

he and i took a little walk around the corridors tuesday night, or rather he put one foot slowly in front of the other and i sort of leaned against him for support and shuffled along. mil was with the baby back in our room and the halls were quiet because visiting hours had ended (but they let mil stay longer). we finally got a chance to be alone together and talk quietly about this whole ordeal we had both just gone through. i told him about everything that happened once they wheeled me away from him, about alexis the nurse who stayed with me the entire time - just stood next to me and kept her hands on my hip and my shoulder and encouraged me through the contractions. her only role in that room, at least while i was awake, was to be moral support for me, and i told him how i appreciated it since he couldn't be there. i told him how they made me sign a cesarean consent form right there on the operating table. i was curled on my side and the anesthetist was poking my back, and i was trying to lay still while blowing through a contraction so he wouldn't paralyze me forever, and some woman shoved a pen in my hand and said, i'm sorry to ask you this right now but we have to get your consent to perform this cesarean so could you please sign right here. i told him how they put those compression pads on my legs but then they had to strap my legs down, and how i felt like i was in an old-timey psych ward, and i was having a contraction and trying to blow through it and trying not to be scared of what they would do next once i was strapped down and couldn't run away and could someone please explain why they had not knocked me out yet?

he told me all the things he had been thinking about and feeling and doing all day long, and filled me in on what happened to him when they took me away. the last i saw of brian before we became parents was him putting on a blue plastic shirt (and pants, i presume) over his tee shirt, so he could be in the or with me once the spinal was in place. my mom had arrived from san diego by then (mil was there the whole time, bless her) and they were all anxious to hear how i was doing, and then a nurse came out and told brian he would have to wait, they had trouble with the spinal block and i needed general anesthesia, and he was so worried about me and the baby. he told me how even though he was insanely worried, he was also glad they were doing the c-section, because labor had been so tough and he wanted it to be over with for my sake. he told me how amazed and proud he was all day, because i was so tough and managed to labor drug-free up until the very end, and he had not expected that as i generally don't handle pain well. he told me how sweet i was even during labor, because i didn't once yell at him and i even told him how i appreciated him being there and helping me, and i only brushed off his touch once at the very end. he told me he appreciated the doctor who suggested the c-section and didn't like the nurse who yelled "you can do it, come on erin!" through each push, because even brian could see that the baby wasn't coming when i pushed.

i knew having this child and going through labor together would bring us closer together, because we (i) would be going through physical things that no man should have to deal with from his wife. trying to push a baby out often pushes poop out and no husband should have to see his wife undignified and pooping on the delivery table. here's your child honey and also some of my poop. all that moaning and grunting and exertion, no man should have to hear his wife make those noises (unless he's in bed with her!). no man should have to watch his wife go through that much pain and suffering, because he has to stand idly by and just watch, knowing there is nothing he can do to help her. brian said he hated that he could only watch me go through those contractions, because if he could have he would have taken all that pain upon himself so i wouldn't suffer.

i was completely unprepared for the level of emotional intimacy that labor provides. i had expected just the opposite. all those (medical) people watching and all that uncouth behavior. i did tell brian that i only wanted him in the room when i delivered - no moms, not my sister, no one but him and the medical personnel, because i thought delivery should be a special thing for mom and dad only. but then, special goes out the window right about the time you're trying to push your baby out and you realize there is a cluster of about eight blue-suited nurses and doctors standing at the end of your bed watching.

then the contraction ended, and i let go of my legs and fell back on the bed and looked up at my husband. he was smiling, and it was our baby i was trying to have, and he pushed my hair back and got me ice chips and told me he loved me, and i realized it was special and intimate, and i loved him right back.

hannah's birth story

2009-05-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

she is probably the absolute most beautiful thing i have ever seen. aside from a bit of conehead i think i am not biased when i say that. just a pretty girl in her mama's eyes.

monday was obviously a very rough day. i had my first contraction at 4a and by 6a they were about 10 minutes apart. i got in the shower around 745a and my water broke at 830a. so we went to the hospital. brian was very anxious that we were not going soon enough. by about 930a when we got there the contractions were 2-3 minutes apart, 45-60 seconds long, and i was dilated to 4 centimeters. btw that 2-3 minutes apart is NOT from the end of one to the start of the next, oh no. that would be too much rest. the way you time a contraction is from the start of one to the start of the next. (i did not know this until our childbirth class.) so really only like 1-2 minutes rest. and you would not believe the words and noises that come out of your body during a contraction. they had told us the (private, thank heaven) birthing rooms were soundproof but according to my mil, she could hear me screaming and swearing through each contraction.

by about 230p i was 10 centimeters dilated and ready to start pushing. they gave me fentanyl also at about 9 centimeters, an iv drug to take the edge off. i wanted to try to do the whole thing 100% natural but it just did not happen. the contractions still hurt like a mother after the fentanyl but were no longer pass-out pain is all. brian was such an awesome coach, i could not have done it without him. i pushed for about 2+ hrs and she was just not coming. "failure to progress" is what they called it. so they put a vacuum cup on her head to try to help. hence the conehead, and she also has some scabby scratches on the top of her head from the vacuum cup. they also gad to catheterize me just before because i had not peed all day and a full bladder can hinder the vacuum apparently. that was about the worst thing ever, it hurt so bad. brian kept me focused on him but he said the look on my face broke his heart. he also said he could tell how much it hurt and that he dd not realize until then how tough i was. i generally have a relatively low pain tolerance.) i was begging them not to but they had to. then they also gave me two shots, one on either side, i guess for a pudendal block maybe? the doctor said to ease the pain as she came out on the vacuum, i guess it hurts more. i do remember at one point the vacuum popped off her head. i remember the doctor pulling hard as i was pushing too but nothing, she failed to progress.

i think i pushed about 30-45 minutes vwith the vacuum but she was just not coming so the doctor said they needed to get me in for an emergency cesarean. i was tired and baby was tired and nothing was happening. i asked brian afterwards if he could even see anything when i was pushing (like the top of her head) and he said no. i was actually kind of relieved about the cesarean because i just wanted the whole done with at that point. so they wheeled me away to do a spinal block (faster than an epidural) while brian got suited up.

they poked my back for about 15 minutes but it was not taking, i was not getting any pain relief. i counted at least seven poke bruises on my spine yesterday. in the meantime i was having contractions and curled on my side, as much as i could be with a baby between my legs and the doctor is saying hold still so i can do this. what?! a man of course. they also tried an epidural but it did not take either. after about 20 minutes i said, PLEASE can you just do general (which they don't like as much because it is more risk to the baby). but they did. they had to catheterize me again for the cesarean, but it was a different kind of catheter so did not hurt as bad THANK THE LORD. i said, can you PLEASE catheterize me after you put me under, and they said, i'm sorry but no, as soon as you are under we have to get the baby out.

they had to strap my legs down, i guess so i wouldn't go flopping everywhere in the middle of a contraction while i was under anesthesia. that was VERY scary. the worst was, brian could not be there with general anesthesia, so i was alone with all those nurses and doctors the whole time i was in the operating room, and all i wanted was him.

they had to intubate me also so my voice is scratchy and my throat hurts even four days later. i guess they put me under about 545p (i know they wheeled me into the or about 5p) and hannah was born at 6p on the dot. 8 pounds 0 ounces, and 20 inches long. brian saw her pretty much as soon as she got out, they cut her cord and then took her away to get a bath and such while they stitched me up. she is all red and wailing in those first pictures he took. he said she just wanted her mom and to feed. i started coming around about 7p and i think they brought her to me around 730p and she just went to town breastfeeding.

so that us where we are right now, we got home yesterday afternoon. i have not slept much of course and my abdomen hurts of course, to be expected when they cut it open to remove an 8 pound baby, but still. she has her days and nights reversed right now so sleeps too much during the day and feeds too much at night. i guess most babies are like that at first. she also has so far lost too much weight (14 ounces in 4 days) so we have to supplement with formula for the next few days until my milk comes in and she is getting enough nutrition from me. fortunately that is the only thing "wrong" with her. her bilirubin levels are great, no jaundice, and all her scores and vitals have otherwise been fabulous.

all strapped in and ready to go home, swimming in her sleeper

we are so in love with her. i never thought i could be so happy about being "replaced" in my husband's heart, but i am just over the moon that brian is so starry-eyed over her. i never thought i could so love a little human who s making such demands on my time, energy, and body. and i never realized how much i could trust and appreciate the man who got me through this whole thing - pregnancy, labor, delivery, who is taking such good care of me right now as i'm recovering not only from a (mostly) regular birth but also from major abdominal surgery. i never thought i could love brian more than i did before this experience. he saw me go through things, say and do things that a husband should not have to see and hear and experience from his wife, and i should be ashamed and embarrassed, and i'm not. i can't imagine having done this whole thing with anyone else, and i wouldn't want to.

cross-posted at éireann

hannah jeanne

2009-05-15T01:53:00.000-07:00

was born on monday may 11 (her due date!) at 6pm. she was 8 lbs. 0 oz. and 20 ins long. she is the most beautiful thing we have ever seen. we all came home from the hospital thursday afternoon.

photos and her birth story to come, it was quite the ordeal. we tried a little bit of pretty much everything just to meet this kiddo.

cross-posted at éireann

this is what my life is reduced to.

2009-05-09T12:30:00.000-07:00

waiting. just... waiting.

i gave myself a pedicure this morning, an effort that involved much bending and huffing and contortions of the legs and torso. sounds a lot more sexy than it really was, trust me. given how swollen my feet are, i think this is a bit like putting lipstick on a pig, but.

in the meantime, we sit around and wait.

we are at: 39 weeks 5 days.

baby watch: 5 days left

2009-05-06T12:12:00.000-07:00

i think i'm ready to meet this kiddo. if only to get rid of the interstate road map of veins that is my entire body.

this afternoon doc said baby had dropped a tiny bit, maybe 1 cm, and i was approximately 50% effaced. so: i could go into labor this weekend, or not for another two weeks. she's not concerned as baby seems healthy (nice strong heartbeat and still moving just as furiously as ever) and i'm healthy, so i'm not concerned. at this moment she's willing to let me go a full two weeks past my due date, which would be may 25 before she would recommend induction.

in other news, i am apparently not completely insane for thinking my feet are hugely and grotesquely swollen. my legs are as well and doc said my swelling is some of the worst she has seen. yay! she commented that she was impressed that i had not really complained about it. i haven't to her, because what can she do? although i did ask the nurse last time if maybe she could just lance them, like a blister or something?

we are at: 39 weeks 2 days.

nesting like nobody's business

2009-05-03T17:31:00.000-07:00

and the nursery is FINALLY done! well, except for one piece of artwork, but that can certainly wait. i love her room:

this is what i did for my birthday: hung the shelf over her dresser, painted and assembled the shelves in her closet, set up the pack & play downstairs, and cooked like a madwoman. i also did laundry and some light cleaning, the usual weekend chores. my coworkers also took me out to lunch on friday and brian took me to lunch on saturday. we are both pretty beat lately, him from work and me from being pregnant, that neither one of us had the energy to make a big to-do for my birthday. i didn't really mind because of all those things that were nagging at me to get done before the kiddo arrives, and i'm generally happiest working on a project or six. thank heavens for this manic nesting energy or nothing would be done.

my freezer is also (i hope) fully stocked for the next few weeks. brian does not cook at all and while he can happily eat fast food and take-out for every meal, i would prefer something healthier and home-cooked. now in my freezer there are currently three turkey dinners (turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, and vegetables), six turkey pot pies, three bacon & leek quiches, two lasagnas (including a vegetarian one in case kiddo is here when my sister comes over), and one dish of stuffed shells. this is in addition to our usual assortment of chicken, ham, steak, fish, and frozen vegetables that i can pull out and thaw at a moment's notice. my mother told me that when i was born, she and my father ate from their freezer for six weeks. dad only had to go to the store for milk and lettuce. six weeks is a lot to live up to, i don't know if we will make it that far, but i'm trying. so now all brian has to do is take something out of the freezer in the morning, leave it to defrost, and stick it in the oven. i even wrote instructions on the labels.

i'm sure i could find more to do, but i think i'm going to go put my feet up with a good book or watch a movie. besides, brian is bringing me home a baskin robbins milkshake and i don't want to miss that.

we are at: 38 weeks 6 days.

cross-posted at éireann

HECK. i am not ready for this.

2009-04-30T09:28:00.000-07:00

today's appointment at the doctor was another quick one. brian has been amazed at how quick they are lately, but they are just brief checkups. yes, i am still pregnant. yes, kiddo is still head-down with a good strong heartbeat. nope, not dilated yet BUT apparently things are changing (softening) enough that doc said i may not make it to next wednesday's appointment.

SAY WHAT?

if i do make it that far, we'll just schedule another appointment for the following week, but i might not make it that far.

EXCUSE ME?

i am not ready to have this kid yet. i have too much to do. the shelves for her closet still need to be painted. i still need to get brackets so i can hang the shelf on the wall above her dresser. i have cooking to do and a freezer to stock. i need time to just put my feet up and rest with a good book that i know i will not be able to finish once she arrives.

i called brian to let him know how things went:

brian: you're out of there already? what did she say?

me: everything is fine, she is still healthy and head-down. she also said i might not make it to my appointment next week.

brian: why not?

me: because of how my body is changing, she is getting ready to be born.

brian: but why does that mean you might not go to the appointment? is the doctor not going to be there or something? why wouldn't you go?

me: BECAUSE WE MIGHT HAVE A BABY BEFORE THEN.

brian: no! we can't have a baby yet! i haven't slept in a month!

me: honey, i haven't slept in FOUR months.

we are at: 38 weeks 3 days.

cute mommy love

2009-04-29T15:12:00.000-07:00

don't forget to enter my green birthday giveaway! you have until 8pm pdt tonight. it's awesome, and who doesn't like free?

random things i'm liking lately:

- mommy necklaces, especially the sunset and earth collections.

- mama merit badges.

- reusable sandwich bags for kiddo snacks. obviously we're not there yet, but this little idea will get filed away for later.

- oh plah teething bracelet.

- mother's day chocolates in a sweet butterfly box. generally i am not a big chocolate person, but how cute is that box? and maybe it is just the hormones but those chocolates look pretty heavenly right now.

- these little silver claw-foot bathtubs that would be so perfect for my green birthday giveaway. the relaxing bath stuff... well, mine's way better. go enter!

we are at: 38 weeks 2 days.

for those of you who said i looked so sad last week

2009-04-27T09:40:00.001-07:00

don't forget to enter my green birthday giveaway! you have until 8pm pdt on wednesday, april 29, 2009. it's awesome, and who doesn't like free?

i'm happy! so happy! just thrilled to be as big as my house!

just as soon as i think i've adjusted to some new part of pregnancy, everything changes and i feel like i have to relearn my life. i'm (finally) figuring out how to get a decent night's sleep in between waking up every two hours, but then kiddo will be here and all that will go out the window, i'm sure.

i wonder if she realizes her lease is up in two weeks. i am not sure i am ready for that. i am certainly ready to be done with being pregnant, but that's completely separate from being ready to have a child. and the amount of crap that still needs to be done before she gets here! it's a good thing nature gives us this nesting instinct, because i don't know where else i'd come up with all this manic energy.

we are at: 38 weeks.

mo' money

2009-04-22T17:22:00.000-07:00

don't forget to enter my green birthday giveaway! you have until 8pm pdt on wednesday, april 29, 2009. it's awesome, and who doesn't like free?

i just found out the other day that BOTH brian and i can take paid family leave (pfl) when the kiddo comes!

this is fabulous news to us. brian had been planning on taking a bunch of time off - 6 weeks to be exact - starting may 4, so he and i could spend time together before the baby and also so he could spend time with me and the baby after she arrives. he has two weeks of vacation and we had expected the other 4 weeks to be unpaid. we would just watch our pennies and be very careful with our savings.

because i am the one actually doing the hard work of being pregnant and giving birth, i get state disability (sdi) for 4 weeks before and 6 weeks after baby arrives. i am not taking the full 4 weeks before because i feel fine and we need the money. i also have a private individual disability policy that we purchased about a year and a half ago for this specific reason, which will also help to replace my income - 4 weeks before and 6 weeks after. (nor are my benefits reduced by sdi - thank you, california.) we had assumed that i would go back to work approximately 8 weeks after the baby, as we don't want to completely deplete our savings just for the sake of keeping the kiddo out of day care.

but! we have now learned about pfl! pfl means brian can get paid for those 4 weeks after his vacation time! pfl also means i get an additional 6 weeks paid after my sdi runs out! of course, the payments are reduced compared to what we would be earning if we were working full time, but it's money coming in, so i'm not going to complain.

pfl is slightly different from the family medical leave act (fmla) but seems to work in conjuction with it. from what i understand, fmla basically preserves your job, seniority, and benefits for up to 12 weeks each year, for specific reasons (like your own medical condition or caring for a family member or a newborn child). the leave is unpaid. pfl, in california, is up to 6 weeks of paid leave for the same kind of reasons. so our jobs and benefits are protected for 12 weeks, but we only get paid for 6. fortunately, we both work for great people who do not want to lose us. this isn't so much of an issue for brian as he is only taking 6 weeks of his available 12-week fmla leave. it is VERY important for me because i will be off work for 14-16 weeks, so my employer is not required to hold my job for that amount of time.

i am so thrilled. not only am i going to have my husband home for 6 weeks (at which point you may well find me shoving him out the door to go back to work, if he drives me up a wall), but we can delay putting kiddo into daycare until the middle or possibly even end of august. and we will have some money coming in to help us out. such a burden off my shoulders!

we are at: 37 weeks 2 days.

37 weeks = full term

2009-04-20T09:43:00.001-07:00

according to my doctor, i WILL get even larger. wonderful!

i know now why the third trimester is the dreaded one. what you can't see in this photo, thank god, is how swollen and hot and uncomfortable the rest of my body is. my wedding ring is on a chain around my neck as i cannot get it on anymore in this heat. you also cannot see how unbalanced i still am. brian discovered that this weekend after i burst into tears after one too many comments about my cankles. it's okay for me to make fun of me, but not him! he deals with stress and tension by cracking jokes... i think this whole pregnancy thing (and what it is doing to my body) is weirding him out as much as it is me.

in other news, the dresser finally arrived! and we have knobs! i had been searching for knobs for quite a while and had not been able to find anything that we could both agree on. in the end we put on our creative aprons, got out some acrylic paint, and painted plain wooden knobs:

i love them. they are so sweet, and go with her room, and were made special for kiddo with love by her mom and dad. i love love love them. and they look so pretty on her beautiful dresser:

we still have to get a changing pad and a diaper pail (the dresser will double as a changing table). i did an unbelieveable amount of laundry this weekend and now all those drawers are full of teeny sweet kiddo things.

at this point kiddo can come at any time and be considered full term. doc says we want to get through april and then we will be happy whenever she comes. due date is may 11 and at the moment (uncomfortable and all) i would like her to be later than that, just so i can have the extra time to rest.

we are at: 37 weeks.

wherein boobs are discussed, but not at great length.

2009-04-14T16:30:00.001-07:00

weekly checkup was today, very quick. kiddo's heartbeat is a nice strong 140 beats per minute and my blood pressure is fine.

brian has been bugging me lately to get the hospital bag packed. he asked me last night, do you want to bring a deck of cards with us? i said, do you honestly think we'll have time to play cards? he said, i might be bored. i said, i think will be keeping you pretty busy with the whole BIRTHING A BABY thing.

we (possibly just me) have a breastfeeding class tonight. this morning at the doctor they had me fill out a quick little questionnaire about my boobs in general and breastfeeding in particular. since i've never had a kiddo it was pretty easy, lots of no's. the very first question kind of threw me, though: have your breasts changed size since you became pregnant? of course they have. they are monsters attached to my chest, rivaled only in size by my stomach. there was a box to check to say "increased in size" or a box to say "stayed the same." WHOSE BOOBS STAY THE SAME SIZE DURING PREGNANCY?

negative!

2009-04-10T09:05:00.000-07:00

my test for group b strep came back negative! no antibiotics! yay!

we are at: 35 weeks 4 days.

back to the fruit again

2009-04-09T11:02:00.001-07:00

at the beginning of pregnancy, all the books and the doctor liken the size of your baby to fruit. your baby is the size of a blueberry! now it's the size of a strawberry, how sweet! your uterus is about the size of a grapefruit now! at some point they stop using the produce department as a metaphor for your child and just start using real measurements: the baby weighs approximately 10 ounces, the baby is approximately 14 inches long, the top of your uterus can be felt approximately 4 inches above your bellybutton. i guess this is because it could be detrimental to an ob/gyn's health to tell someone in an irrational hyperemotional state that they are carrying around a squash or a watermelon and by the way YOU ARE NOT DONE GROWING, NOT BY A LONG SHOT.

i realized last night when my ankles disappeared that i think i am back to the fruit again. i knew my feet would swell, but i didn't expect it to be this bad. i always thought i had kind of nice-looking feet - they're not bony or anything but have nice little curves and hollows on them, kind of like the curves and hollows of a woman's collarbone. (which imho is very sexy.) it's not like i could be a foot model or anything but i don't think i'm scaring small children when i go barefoot. but this! no more curves. no hollows. my ankles are completely gone. my foot has been replaced by a puffy, stiff, tingly THING.

and that thing? is approximately the size of a papaya. one of the large ones, the mexican papayas. i have papayas at the ends of my legs. we've come full circle, folks.

we are at: 35 weeks 3 days.

sweet baby showers

2009-04-08T08:06:00.000-07:00

last weekend was my baby shower, hosted for me by my lovely best girl alice. unfortunately because she was "working" and behind the camera i think i don't have any pictures of her, unless there happen to be some on her camera or someone else's that i don't know about.

brian would not let me "travel" to san diego so alice or my mother could host a shower down there, so they came to us up here in sacramento and we had the shower at our house. when we were initially talking around dates and locations i did not think the 8 hour drive would be an issue. after all i made it in january no problem, just a regular trip. as is the case so very often, i was glad he got his way and that i did not make the drive down at 7½ months pregnant. ugh. i probably could have flown... but i hate flying.

i fell in love with the decorations for nicole balch's baby shower so we made our own baby clothesline. cheap (free!) and easy decor.

i really like how ours turned out. so sweet.

allie had the girls decorate onesies:

and bibs for hannah. the orange giants one ("i drool like my daddy") was made by brian.

though it wasn't really a co-ed shower because he had said he had no desire to be involved, brian stuck around some to see what all the fuss was about.

alice also had the girls dressing babies for time (mil and heather):

only the dresser was blindfolded, and their partner had to give them instructions. my mother, ella, and kirsten:

nichole and kelsey finished pretty quickly and won the game:

while carrie and brenda came in a pretty close second:

alice also had everyone identify baby food by a blind taste test. we tried not to pick out yucky ones when we were at the grocery store.

i don't have pictures of the gifts everyone gave us but suffice to say those ladies were overly generous, each and every one of them. there was just too much to take pictures of. and what good taste they all have as well! hannah is going to be the best dressed kid on the block, that's for sure. at least, until i have to start picking out her clothes on my own. this gift came a day or so later, from my aunt in seattle:

i could not resist posting a photo, because those little sheep booties? are called "best of chums." how sweet is that?

speaking of sweet, it was kind of a warm day so we had ice cream cake instead of regular cake. i love ice cream cake.

(we all got a kick out of seeing how the decorator drizzled "welcome baby hannah" over the roses on the cake, so you might see this one show up on cake wrecks!)

the truly best part of the shower was seeing all my girlfriends (well, most of them) and getting to spend some time with them. for pretty much all it was a bit of a drive out to our house and because of that i don't get to see them altogether that often, and i really miss them. like miss kelsey here.

i really appreciated everyone taking the time to come out and see me. (we should have parties more often!) i hope everyone had fun, because i certainly had a great time. thank you, ladies!

we are at: 35 weeks 2 days.

i wore a dress, and did my makeup, and even shaved my legs

2009-04-07T10:31:00.001-07:00

we are now at the point where i go to the doctor once a week until kiddo comes. this morning i had to have a swab taken to test for group b strep which is a bacteria 40% of women carry in their digestive or reproductive systems. it's harmless to me but can be harmful to kiddo if she gets it during birth. the test is vastly quicker than your usual pelvic exam/pap smear but DON'T BE FOOLED LADIES, this is not as comfortable. good God. could we use anything more uncomfortable and less lubricated than a cotton swab? how about two swabs and no speculum? i mean, i'm sure it's nothing compared to what i'll go through in labor, but still.

kiddo is still happy and healthy as far as anyone can tell, nice strong heartbeat. she is also head-down, which i hear is GREAT for birthing babies. i had kind of figured she was already head-down because when she gets the hiccups i can feel it down by my left hip. apparently doc could feel the top of her head when she did the exam (and apparently i'm not dilated at all either, which is a good thing). i had no idea. i called brian and told him that he could probably feel the head also and did he want to try when he got home from work tonight? thankfully he declined because that would be too weird.

and yes, i even managed to shave my legs. which tells you how weird pregnancy is: i shaved my legs for my doctor, but i don't bother for my husband.

we are at: 35 weeks 1 day.

childbirth education, or, how to shove out that kid

2009-04-05T17:12:00.000-07:00

this month is full of all our classes. and more doctor's appointments that i could imagine, but lots of classes. last wednesday we had a class on keeping baby safe from harm including infant cpr. there are so many ways for kiddo to get hurt/die! how did i ever make it through my own childhood? at least, the instructor reinforced what i have always felt: you take reasonable precautions and understand that while kids are going to get hurt, they are remarkably resilient. i remember when our niece ella was born and brian was terrified to hold her because he thought he might break her. we all tried to remind him that he did have to support her head but other than that she was pretty mooshy and unbreakable in his arms.

it was recommended that we babyproof our house now (outlet covers, blinds strings, et cetera) because we will be too exhausted when kiddo comes, and then by the time we get around to it she will be crawling anyways. we're supposed to do it from the ground up - lay on the floor and see what she sees. how am i supposed to lay on the floor? come on, now.

infant cpr was good to learn. i had to do cpr a couple years in a row back in high school and college, but it's been a while since that last refresher. hopefully we'll never need to use it, but i'd rather know how and never need to do it than need to and not know what to do. brian gets his cpr updated every year for his job, but i think the emphasis on infants (as opposed to seniors!) was good for him too.

we also took our birthing class yesterday. a lot of it was "review" of information we had already gotten out of our myriad books and the late pregnancy and natural childbirth classes we took last month. we spent a lot of time practicing birthing positions, relaxation, and breathing, and it was very good for me to actually actively practice those with brian. it gave me a lot of confidence in him as my labor coach... which i had previously been somewhat worried about. brian's response to stressful situations is to get all jokey to diffuse the tension, which doesn't help me at all. i feel like he isn't taking things (me) seriously when he does that. but he showed me that not only could he be jokey to help ease the stress, but he could also provide the strength and calm that i will need to get through those hard, painful contractions.

the class also reinforced my decision to birth this baby as naturally and drug-free as possible. i'm not against the idea of having stadol or an epidural if i can't endure the pain... i'd just rather avoid it if at all possible. not only is one attached to the iv drip, confined to the bed, and continuously monitored when on medication, but it can really slow things down and increases the possibility of needing other interventions like amniotomy, vacuum extraction, episiotomy, or cesarean section. NO WAY do i want them to cut me open. after watching the (animated) video of a cesarean and hearing the risks of medications and interventions, brian was even more supportive than ever of my decision to go natural.

i think the best thing about the class was how much it reinforced to me (and hopefully to brian) how we are in this together. and we want to be. there is no one else i would want more to be by my side when i give birth to this baby than brian. this whole pregnancy thing has been a bit of a roller coaster ride, up and down, and our relationship has definitely had its ups and downs along with it. and we know things are about to change dramatically, both within our relationship and in our lives in general. these next 5 weeks, postpartum, and especially labor/delivery are going to be really difficult and i know i'm going to need all the hand-holding in the world to get me through. i'm really thankful that it's brian's hand that i'll be holding.

we are at: 34 weeks 6 days.

who designed these pants? i mean, seriously.

2009-03-31T10:58:00.000-07:00

things non-pregnant people take for granted:

- wine with dinner.
- sex.
- sleeping on your stomach.
- sleeping, in general.
- side zippers.
- finding clothes that fit.
- finding clothes that fit and actually resemble something they might want to wear from a selection of three racks in the ENTIRE STORE.
- getting in and out of the car.
- getting up from a chair.
- energy.
- tying their shoes or giving themselves a pedicure.
- actually fitting into any shoes other than flip-flops.
- climbing stairs.
- lack of stretch marks.
- sanity.

we are at: 34 weeks 1 day.

baby recipes

2009-03-26T20:53:00.000-07:00

planning on making my own "toiletries" for the kiddo, brian thinks i am a bit nuts but is willing to let me. maybe because i've "proved" myself in the past by making my own stuff for my own use. he and i and lots of other people have used them and not died yet or had their faces melt off so i guess he figures our gal will be no different.

baby soap:
20 oz. olive oil
10 oz. coconut oil
10 oz. corn oil
2 oz. shea butter
10 oz. water
5.875 oz. NaOH
1 T. lavender eo
1 T. tee tree eo
1 oz. calendula oil

diaper cream:
1 oz. sweet almond oil
1 oz. shea butter
1 oz. calendula oil
½ oz. coconut oil
½ oz. beeswax
½ oz. zinc oxide
a few drops lavender eo
a few drops tea tree eo

bandicoot's ooh lotion:
20% olive oil (or maybe some sweet almond and/or shea and/or calendula subbed in?)
5% e-wax
5% stearic acid (possibly less for a thinner lotion?)
6% honey
1% citric acid
63% water
germaben ii
a few drops lavender eo

cloth wipe solution:
1 tsp. white vinegar or liquid soap (we'll see which works better)
1 T. calendula oil
a few drops lavender eo
a few drops tea tree eo
¼ c. aloe vera gel
½ c. water
germaben ii

baby powder:
4 oz. cornstarch
4 oz. arrowroot
1 oz. white kaolin clay
1 oz. powdered lavender buds
1 oz. powdered calendula petals
6-10 drops lavender eo

because it is so gentle and basic, the baby soap is also nice as a face soap. i might infuse the olive oil with lavender, yarrow, and slippery elm bark. likewise, remove the zinc oxide and the diaper cream becomes a very nice lip balm. baby powder is also nice for big girls as it is talc-free. and interestingly, the wipe solution (with vinegar, not soap) is very similar to a facial toner recipe i make and love; i am thinking i could maybe sub in citric acid for the vinegar, if i wanted to cut out the vinegar smell?

we are at: 33 weeks 3 days.

cross-posted at éireann

tailbone. hurts.

2009-03-25T20:40:00.000-07:00

especially when i get up from sitting. doc says this is completely normal. apparently kiddo is pressing on it. apparently also the bones can actually move a little bit. this is because my body is producing a hormone called relaxin which loosens up my ligaments so that my hips will open up during labor. unfortunately it also has the unpleasant side effect of loosening up all my other joints, so my back is achier than usual and those tailbone bones can move slightly.

on a positive note, i have the option of sitting on a donut pillow to help ease the ache. on a negative note, this makes it look like i have hemorrhoids, which i most emphatically do NOT as i have been diligent about eating enough fiber and drinking enough water to (thus far) successfully avoid them.

on another positive note, apparently the "effects" of relaxin go away within about 24 hours of delivery. it's produced by the placenta, so once there is no more placenta, there is no more relaxin. but as my doctor reminded me, postpartum brings its own new set of aches and pains. remind me again why women are so set on perpetuating the human race?

we are at: 33 weeks 2 days.

don't mind me, that's just my gut.

2009-03-24T19:10:00.000-07:00

at that tired, achy, uncomfortable point. not sure anymore how much bigger i can get.

we are at: 33 weeks 1 day.

7 weeks and counting

2009-03-23T20:03:00.000-07:00

doctor's appointment this morning, everything is still looking good which is always reassuring to hear. also reassuring to hear the kiddo's heartbeat, which was strong and clear. and LOUD, boy was she ever loud. louder than i have heard her heartbeat thus far. the checkups start coming faster now - another one in two weeks, and then every week thereafter until i deliver.

next week i will be tested for group b strep, a harmless (to me) bacteria that can be passed to kiddo during delivery. i'll have to have antibiotics at some point during delivery and kiddo will need to be monitored for at least 24 hours after delivery if i test positive. about 40% of women do, apparently. at the moment, an enforced rest for 24 hours in the hospital sounds mighty good to me. home is feeling a little scary, where it will be just brian and me on our own with this kiddo. granted, my mom will be there, but... kiddos don't come with instruction manuals.

i cannot express how much i want this kid. as scary as the prospect of becoming a mom is to me, i want this kid more than i think i've ever wanted anything in my life. healthy and safe and in my arms. possibly more than i wanted to marry brian. i've heard loving and wanting your children doesn't get any better when you can actually hold them and see them and kiss them.

we are at: 33 weeks.

day care questions (long, sorry)

2009-03-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

thank you so much for the encouragement on the day care issue. thank you thank you thank you. i really do appreciate each comment even though i am not acknowledging you all by name (as some people email me instead of commenting). honestly, truly, thank you.

as i mentioned i went with an exhaustive list of questions for our day care provider. i didn't know what to ask and my mother suggested looking online for some ideas. my list of questions was created from about 20 different websites. most suggested the same kinds of things but each had something different. keep in mind that this is for a small, in-home day care for an infant, not a large 70-child preschool-type setting. i deemed some probably "typical" or "essential" questions as not relevant to my situation because of that.

ask for a tour of the home/facility where the kids are. our provider's home was very clean and well-kept with a well-kept yard, on a small cul-de-sac off another street, which was off a "main" street. i didn't see a television where the kids were but i saw lots of age-appropriate toys that would stimulate learning and creativity (blocks, dress-up clothes, legos) and lots of books, which was very encouraging to me.

when you talk to someone, you want to know what all is included. you want to know what you must bring/provide. diapers, likely. how many bottles? et cetera.

you also need to know how compensation is handled for vacation or days your kiddo is sick. most places give you "time off" for vacation, but you usually still have to pay if your child is sick (unless hospitalized). often day care providers will take vacation time themselves when you generally do not have to pay. what are the hours? what holidays is your provider closed?

sometimes it is inevitable that you will be running a little late from work. how does your provider handle late pick-ups?

what is your provider's billing policy? does she provide receipts for income tax credit?

you need to know when you must keep your child home when they are sick. sniffles? runny nose? is it okay for kiddo to come when she is no longer contagious, but still recovering and just needs quiet and rest? how does your provider handle medications if they are needed? what is her policy about "quarantines" and other sick kids? what is her policy when the provider is ill herself?

it's important to know what their philosophy and point of view/feelings are on infant and toddler care. you don't want your child left in a swing, bouncer, or crib all day or in front of a television. (in california swings, bouncers, and walkers are prohibited.) what kind of early childhood education does the provider have?

is the provider licensed? (not all of them are!) if so, for how many children? how many children does she currently take care of, and what are their ages? does the provider carry current insurance, and for how much coverage? can you see a copy of her license and insurance? are all the people in the home licensed caregivers and fingerprint-cleared? are all caregivers current on infant/child cpr and first aid? (in california all of this is required to be current with the license, but not all providers keep up on everything. it is a good sign of responsible business management if they do.)

will your provider drive or take the children anywhere during the day? if she drives, does she have a rear-facing carseat (for an infant) or do you need to provide that? can you see a copy of her current insurance? your caregiver should have adequate liability limits (i would personally be comfortable with no less than 100/300/50 in california), medical payments coverage (in california - in other states it is sometimes called personal injury protection - i'd be comfortable with no less than $5,000), and uninsured/underinsured motorist coverages (should match the liability limits).

what kind of security/safety policies are in place to prevent accidents? are there any security/safety issues you should be aware of? (pets, pools, trampolines, stairs, et cetera)

does your provider smoke? does she have any health issues you should be aware of?

how are injuries and emergencies handled? who watches the children if the caregiver has a family emergency? what if you have a family emergency and need to come pick up your child?

can you come visit your child whenever you want to? this is important - your provider should have an open-door policy. anything but should be a red flag. your provider may have times that she request you take care when coming by (i.e. during naptime, so as not to wake the children) but you should not ever be prohibited from seeing your child unannounced.

what is your provider's discipline policy? what would your provider do if your baby cried inconsolably or would not stop crying unless held or carried? what is her procedure for putting babies to sleep?

what is your provider's meal policy? could you come and breastfeed on your lunch break (if feasible for you)? are there any concerns with provided breastmilk for bottle feeding versus formula?

if you are cloth diapering your baby, is your provider comfortable with that? you may need to provide a receptacle for the diapers during the day.

how does your provider communicate to you about your kiddo's day? what if you and she disagree about something?

references should be provided and if they are not, ASK. ask your caregiver to tell you about herself and her family. how did she get involved in child care?

tell her about yourself and your family. is there anything she wants to know about you?

you should get good answers to all your questions and not have to pry for this information. you should get a good feeling from the day care facility and not have any reservations. trust your gut! also, if this is a difficult but necessary thing for you to do, like it is for me - to put your child in day care - be honest with your caregiver about that. she should be sensitive to that and not take it personally. our provider commented a couple times that day care is generally harder on moms than it is on the kiddos. not only did i get a good gut-reaction from her, but this demonstrated to me that in being sensitive to my feelings and emotions and understanding that i didn't dislike her (just the situation in general), she would also be sensitive and caring to our daughter.

we are at: 32 weeks 3 days.

my heart broke a little again today.

2009-03-12T19:06:00.000-07:00

i finally made the call today that i had been dreading for a while. dreading might be a strong word for it, but i was certainly not looking forward to this call. i had to call our (new) day care provider to let her know that we would like to place our daughter with her when she arrives.

i had been looking into day care for quite a while and really had no clue what i was trying to find. i had known even before we got pregnant that i would not be able to stay home full-time and be a sahm no matter how much i wanted to. we just can't afford it. half of brian's paycheck goes to our mortgage payment, and then we have our regular bills and his car payment as well. if we had zero debt (and we are working very hard to get to that point) then it would be more feasible but at the moment it just is not. so when we had The Chat about how much money we have and how long i will be able to stay home after the baby comes and my disability runs out, it was not a surprise to me that we need me to go back to work.

i got a very strong recommendation from a coworker friend about a woman who runs a small in-home day care, so i checked her out two weeks ago. she's wonderful and reminds me of my own mother, only taller. i have no doubt our gal will be in fabulous hands with her. i had my exhaustive list of questions (i had absolutely no clue what to ask a prospective day care provider which i'll post later in case there are those of you who were like me and have no idea either) and she answered everything even beyond my expectations. the kids she takes care of are fun and sweet and should be a good influence on our gal. she is close to home and work, so i can "visit" our daughter during the day (i'm hoping to breastfeed during my lunch but we'll see how that works out). she's not even hugely expensive, which is such a saving grace to our ever-tightening budget. i went home that night and told brian everything about her, and then i started bawling.

i don't want to put my daughter in day care. i want to be the one who raises her. it's not even about how i feel about day care in general - that kids are best served being raised and loved and taught by their parents, not hired help. it's so much more than that. i want to be the one to teach her to tie her shoes. i want to be the one who works with her on potty-training. when she first smiles or sits up, i want to be the one there to see it, not the day care lady. i don't want to be away from her for eight hours a day. at the moment (see how naive i am? moms, you'll all laugh) i don't want to be away from her for one hour a day. i haven't even met this child yet and already i can't imagine my life, my future, without her. i want her so badly and i would be heartbroken if she was taken away from me, but here i am voluntarily, willingly giving her up.

maybe it's "just" pregnancy hormones that are making me feel like this, but i doubt that's the whole story. i just want my daughter all to myself and to brian. i don't want brian to go back to work either. i know it's not realistic because we didn't win the lottery, we're not independently wealthy, we don't have trust funds - but i just want my husband and my baby with me all the time, so we can just be a family together.

we are at: 31 weeks 3 days.

maternity photos

2009-03-09T22:06:00.000-07:00

man that sounds awful. maybe it is just that word, maternity. it makes everything sound awful. maternity leave sounds like when you sent away an unwed mother in the 1950s so no one knew she was pregnant. maternity jeans sound horrendous but i love mine, they are so comfy and imho actually rather cute. likewise, maternity photos sounds so fuggy and blech but i really like how ours turned out. it helped that i was having a good hair and makeup day and my husband is just naturally devastatingly handsome.

i was a little nervous at first showing so much skin. our photographer was a man also, maybe it would have helped if it were a woman. (i would have loved my friend joanna to have done them but she is two hours away.) it was the first time i had shown that much skin for someone whom i was not in love with and it is a bit unnerving to deliberately remove your clothes and be willingly photographed in basically your underwear. i'm not in love with showing off my body to begin with and here i was paying someone to take pictures of it.

fortunately my husband was amazing as usual. often in the crush of daily life i forget what a truly fabulous man this is that i was lucky enough to marry. more than the photographer (or his wife who was also his assistant), he really put me at ease. i mean, here is some strange man who is pulling open my shirt and arranging my hands or brian's hands on my stomach and in doing so he has to sometimes brush my skin and it is just plain weird. but brian completely relaxed me and made me laugh and really made the whole thing fun.

even better was that we were doing it together, so even though there were two other completely random people in the room, it still felt very intimate between us. at least it did to me. and the best part is, i know brian was doing it all for me, which speaks volumes to me about how great he is. these belly photos were all my idea and i really pushed for them. i wanted a record of our baby while she is still "just" a bump in my midsection. i want her to see these photos and know how much her mom and dad love each other and her, even before she is born. when i initially brought it up, brian was rather against the idea. he did not want to spend the money on baby pictures with no baby in them. but he gave in for me.

i think even he had a good time, and i am really glad that we did this. i love pregnant belly photos and i am so glad we have our own for our kiddo. and if i do say so myself, i think they turned out pretty damn great. our photographer is really talented and brought out the best in both of us. and it makes me happy to see these photos, because very often these days i am feeling unwieldy and ungainly and just not very attractive. not ugly or anything, just unattractive, with this huge watermelon for a waist and tired all the time, and these remind me of what i have always (previously) believed: that there is quite possibly nothing more beautiful than a pregnant woman, except maybe a pregnant woman and the man who loves her.

we are at: 31 weeks.

special thanks to cesar and desserie at artpix portrait studio for taking our beautiful photos. all images are copyright to them.

huge stash and nowhere to put them. because i am still nesting.

2009-03-05T09:31:00.000-08:00

we (i) really want to do cloth diapers on this kiddo. brian is very skeptical. i am getting a lot of support and encouragement in this (thanks, jaimey!) but i think he will not believe it until he sees it.

to save money, my mom has been sewing little diapers for i don't know how long. i know she made some at least two years ago, because she showed them to me with strict instructions NOT to tell anyone, lest they think she is nuts to be sewing for a baby that had no plans of existing at the time. once we got pregnant she ramped it up and has been sending them to me. she complains a little sometimes but i think secretly she likes experimenting with the different fabrics and construction techniques and being able to contribute to the kiddo. she even cut up an old sheet to make cloth wipes.

obviously this is not the entire stash. the entire stash is in a box in the closet that is not even close to containing everything, and yes it is driving me nuts that i can't put them away yet.

the green one and the elmo one (at the bottom) are the two that i attempted and while they are not awful, i think hers will get more use. i didn't put any elastic in mine so we shall see. they all take little liners in the crotch area, kind of like little maxipads to absorb the pee and poo. i have a huge bag of terrycloth "liners" similar to the one with elmo on it. the blue-gray stripey thing is one of the wipes she made, for which i am planning on making my own wipes solution. once i get a recipe down that i like i will post.

we are at: 30 weeks 3 days.

serious nesting issues

2009-03-02T09:26:00.000-08:00

brian asked me the other day if i feel crazy or different or anything (anything that could help him, please!) when i go all hormonal off on him, and i don't. i feel perfectly rational and justified and MY HUSBAND IS JUST BEING A JERK, it's so not me and has nothing to do with the 18 additional pounds i'm carrying or the demonically high levels of radioactive hormones coursing through my veins. honestly, i do feel perfectly normal, except for this raging nesting instinct that has been rearing its head for the last month or so, and oh Lord we have another TWO MONTHS of this?

that nesting instinct has manifested itself in the nursery, where i have been sewing insanely for the kiddo and doing what i can to prepare for her arrival. i know i have lots of time still, but who am i to fight the hormones and body chemistry that God has blessed me with? ergo, we bought a crib and i promptly had to make bedding for it:

not only the quilt but the other linens as well. it all kind of snowballs, doesn't it? then the rocker (that mil rocked brian in as a baby) needed a pillow, for back support. and the underside of the crib was just plain ugly to me and needed a skirt, though i hate skirts. then i was not thrilled with the pink sheet over the mattress. and then, and then, and then.

the name on the wall, that was all brian, by the way.

we also got an inexpensive bookcase which i felt the room really needed to balance the crib and rocker (and the soon-to-be dresser). i really wanted this one but apparently it is discontinued IT DOES NOT SAY THAT ANYWHERE and unavailable. the other one does not actually look as awful as it does online:

most of those books are from my childhood though some are from brian's and some are from when i was tutoring in college. and the pregnancy books. the beatrix potter breakables go up on shelves once the dresser gets here and we are able to hang shelves. mostly this stuff was all on the floor and it helped my hormones to get it up off the floor, organized, some semblance of put away. i will be so much better once the dresser arrives and i can get to work organizing the crap that is currently in boxes and bags in the closet, and then i can kit out the closet with shelves, hooray!

we are at: 30 weeks.

cross-posted at éireann

body issues again. i thought we were done with this.

2009-02-28T21:12:00.000-08:00

i went to yoga the other night for the first time since getting pregnant. okay, let's be honest, for the first time a long time. too long, because i really do enjoy it. i always leave feeling refreshed and calm and centered. being aware of my breathing and my body and how it occupies space always seems to reset my brain.

but this! i thought i had gotten used to this body finally. i'm really getting to love my pregnant body, even as i'm a bit fuller than i used to be in places other than my belly and certainly not as agile as i was before. i mean, it takes some effort to put socks on in the mornings. and i really love my tummy. i thought i had figured out this new body of mine, how to move with it and to move myself around it, how to handle this new bulk that i'm hefting around.

and this was not "real" yoga to me - mostly just stretching, none of the usual poses that i'm used to. easy yoga for the pregnant ladies. and yet when i lifted my arms over my head and brought them back down again - where did these boobs come from that are completely in the way? my body never used to behave like this. i'm used to making the effort to put on socks or shave my legs, but sitting indian-style with this belly? how did that become difficult? and then there's the kiddo squirming around, pushing up against my insides, and can't she just sit still for an hour so i can get something out of this class? it was a shame too, because of all the body wierdness that i was bumping up against, i couldn't relax and slow myself down enough to enjoy being there. better luck next week, i suppose.

we are at: 29 weeks 5 days.

sales and marketing

2009-02-23T11:16:00.000-08:00

another doctor appointment this morning, everything is fine as usual. all my test results have been perfectly normal and i am measuring fine so the kiddo is growing okay. the doctor said i am probably the most "normal" pregnancy she has ever seen, very low-risk. good words to hear.

we registered yesterday, what a nightmare. just like registering for our wedding of course, that little gun and brian being completely bored and frustrating, but of course how annoyed he would be if i picked everything out myself and didn't "force" him to do it with me. at least with our wedding registry, i knew what we wanted and needed and what we would and wouldn't use and the hardest decision i had to make was do we want red placemats or blue ones and do we care about china or do we just want to pick out a pretty porcelain pattern and just have one set of dishes (YES thank heavens). but this! i mean, good Lord. i'm faced with an entire wall of bottles, and i'm supposed to know which ones i'm going to like best? and which are the "best" ones to use? i mean, what makes this one better than that one? and they all say "designed to reduce colic" which i guess is a good thing but doesn't help me distinguish one from another. and some are plastic and some are glass and they're all bpa-free which is good, but are they phthalate-free, and is it that huge of an issue because the bottles my mom used on me were likely even more full of chemicals than these are and i'm fine, and glass would be great because it doesn't have any chemicals at all and it is easy to clean, but do i really want to be toting around glass bottles in a diaper bag that's going to get dumped on the ground and tossed into the backseat of the car or the trunk or accidentally dropped when i have my hands full? and in the end i'm sure they're all basically the same, just pick one, but still, the choices! and those are just the bottles! there were two whole aisles of strollers, and all i wanted was an inexpensive umbrella stroller, don't they make those anymore? these were like the cadillacs of umbrella strollers. what about the poor people who can't afford $89 for a flipping collapsible umbrella stroller? and that didn't even include those behemoth graco travel systems, one of which we already have THANK GOD WE DON'T HAVE TO REGISTER FOR IT. and it weighs 25 pounds, do you see why i want an umbrella stroller, why does it have to be so hard?

bright spot:

brian really wants a child-sized armchair for the kiddo. at least, he says it is for the kiddo.

my mother strongly suggested that we register so people would know what we need, or i would have probably not even bothered, because i feel with this kiddo like i did with our wedding - so insanely marketed to, and i hate it. we already get parenting magazine, because you get a couple issues free from motherhood maternity, but they keep sending it anyways, fine, as long as i don't have to pay for it, and it's just full of ads for all kinds of crap that will make my life as a mother so much easier and better and my kids smarter and more beautiful and all kinds of hype like that, and i wonder how in the world did anyone raise children before all this? i mean, seriously, how did anyone ever get along without this?

and i'm trying so hard to resist all the plastic crap and disney princesses and bright colors and commercialism, i don't want to be a walking advertisement for fisher price. brian says i should just give in because resistance is futile, but i'm trying, am i fighting a losing battle?

we are at: 29 weeks.

11 weeks and counting

2009-02-21T12:26:00.000-08:00

wednesday evening, at 28 weeks 2 days.

brian is starting to complain about being woken up in the middle of the night, as i try to get comfortable with that hulking belly. i am starting to remind him that it will not be any better once the kiddo is here.

we are at: 28 weeks 5 days.

uncomfortably pregnant and i know it's not going to get better from here

2009-02-18T15:39:00.000-08:00

the third trimester started two days ago and boy did it ever get itself started with a bang. monday morning about 3a i woke up HUNGRY and hot. guess that metabolism is really picking up! on the bright side i don't have to wear as many layers of thermals as i usually do to keep warm in the winter. and boy can i ever eat these days. that kiddo is really growing, judging by my appetite.

this morning about 4a i woke up with a sharp pain across my lower abdomen. it felt better when i stood up (even better when i walked around) than when i was laying or sitting, so i took a shower to relax and ate a little breakfast and then tried to catch some sleep. it did not feel like baby pain and she was kicking so i tried not to worry too much. the book didn't make any mention of sharp abdominal pain which was a bit frustrating, but i did not seem to have any of "symptoms" that i thought i should be worried about (bleeding, cramping, pain that is not alleviated by changing position, et cetera) so i just cuddled up in brian's comfy recliner and fell asleep. i felt a lot better when i woke up.

the pain came back this afternoon so i called the nurse for a little reassurance, and fortunately she thought it was nothing also. my belly doesn't get hard (like braxton hicks) and i don't have any warning signs of pre-term labor. prescription: tylenol, hydrate, take it easy, discuss with doctor at my next regular appointment (monday). this gal has been kicking around like usual, so hopefully all of this will ease brian's mind as well.

the nurse did suggest that it could be normal stretching pains, or round ligament pain, which i thought had started about a week ago. apparently it can be sharper stabbing pains; i thought it was mostly a dull ache, the achy pain i had felt in my hips, mostly when getting up from sitting. i guess this is the uncomfortable part rearing its head.

we are at: 28 weeks 2 days.

sugar, oh honey honey

2009-02-12T09:35:00.000-08:00

i have had more blood drawn for this kiddo than i ever had in my entire life. i've had more tests done than i ever had in my entire life. case in point: last night i went to the lab to have my blood glucose test done, to check for gestational diabetes. i presume my medical group recommends the test for all expectant mothers (some doctors recommend it based on risk factors) though i do meet one of the criteria for an increased risk of gestational diabetes being that i am over 25.

it was an easy test, i just drank a cup and half of this orange flavored sugar water. i was expecting it to be awful, like drinking syrup, but it was actually not so bad. not that i'd want it every day, but it wasn't horrendous. it was a little carbonated so it was basically like orange soda except not so soda-y. then i had to sit for an hour which was the most annoying part, because i wanted to run out to the grocery store but the lab tech said NO ACTIVITY. it's not like i was going to go run a marathon but good thing i brought my book.

my dad insisted to me that it would be a simple finger prick but oh no, it was a full-on blood draw. they actually took two vials of blood and did a cbc test as well, i assume to make sure i'm not becoming anemic? it was the same test i had done back in september when i was newly pregnant, to make sure i have enough white blood cells and red blood cells and hemoglobin and stuff. and i actually already have the results of both tests which is the nice thing about my medical group, they get stuff done quick. all the bloodwork seems fine (within normal ranges) and my blood glucose level was 134 mg/dL. an "abnormal" result would be over 140 mc/dL, at which point they would do further testing for gestational diabetes.

results will be discussed at our next appointment (in about a week and a half) and i have a feeling there will be no cause for concern. after all, i'm normal... i just don't like being on the high (or low) end of normal. probably just the recommendation to eat a bit more carefully - more complex carbohydrates, less juice - and exercise more. so, we'll see.

we are at: 27 weeks 3 days.

i take back everything i ever said about maternity clothes

2009-02-07T12:50:00.000-08:00

yes, those are maternity jeans and yes i love them. they are insanely comfortable. as much as i hated the idea of it, i absolutely love that tummy panel in my pants. much more so than low-rise pants that button under the belly.

doing my best with the lotion not to get stretch marks but i think i'm fighting a losing battle.

we are at: 26 weeks 5 days.

except at christmas, you don't have to go through labor to get your present

2009-02-03T10:28:00.000-08:00

i'm thinking being pregnant is a lot like christmastime. there's the whole build-up and anticipation and preparation, decorating, all that kind of thing. everything has to be done in time for the big day. and what a whole lot of stress too. how are we going to find the money for all of this?

and then the big day comes, and you have presents to play with afterwards. except i generally don't pack on 15 pounds (so far) in anticipation of christmas, and i don't get 6 weeks paid time off from work afterwards to recover (though Lord knows sometimes it feels like i could use it!).

we are at: 26 weeks 1 day.

last alcoholic drink: 8/31/08

2009-01-30T18:35:00.001-08:00

i'm thinking, why can't i have a glass of wine when i go into labor? or two, or three, or four? to take the edge off. i mean, what can it hurt? the baby's obviously done developing if it's laboring to come out.

come to think of it, why can't they just pour red wine directly into my iv?

we are at: 25 weeks 4 days.

i'm normal! the doctors (and the voices) all say so!

2009-01-29T13:20:00.000-08:00

i had an appointment this morning in the psych department to make sure i'm not mental, and let me tell you how fun it is to tell your husband that you are going to see a shrink when he already thinks you're psychotic!

ever since my breakdown day six weeks ago i have been somewhat concerned that about postpartum depression, especially because i don't want to miss any part of my baby's life if i can help it. then last week i had an awful dream about raging at my husband, throwing things, kicking doors, generally throwing a temper tantrum and destroying the house and while i don't think that dreams mean i have unresolved issues with my father i do think they are your mind's way of working out issues you otherwise can't get out during your waking day. i woke up sweaty and panicky and wondered hmmmmm, what's going on here that we need to deal with? and promptly called psych and made an appointment to chat with someone.

(the appointment guy was so funny on the phone too - he said, what seems to be the issue that you'd like to talk to someone about? i said, i'm pregnant. he said, and...? i said, isn't that enough?)

after discussing my history (none) and concerns (myriad) with the psychiatrist, she deemed me normal, and you can't cure normal. i may feel crazy but that doesn't mean i am, apparently. most of my difficulty with being pregnant seems to come from my pre-pregnancy expectation that even with morning sickness and stretch marks and round ligament pain, being pregnant would be such a happy and enjoyable time, the best of my life, rainbows and singing angels, la la la. i mean, how hard can it be, really? it's not like you have to wake up every other hour to breastfeed or soothe a baby who won't stop crying or change a poopy diaper or figure out how to pay for daycare. it's regular life with a bigger belly, i thought. how wrong i have been! and that seems to be my difficulty: the adjustment i'm needing to make in my expectations of what pregnancy should be and what it actually is. reconciling my idea of pregnancy with the reality of it, and the reality is that i love being pregnant and despise it all at the same time.

while not discouraging me from the appointment, brian had also let me know that he also thought i was normal and just experiencing normal pregnancy craziness. no crazier than usual, i think those were his exact words. i told the doctor my husband would either say i told you so when i told him she said i was normal, or else he wouldn't believe me. ha! i also don't have any of the risk factors for postpartum depression save some "emotional instability" (is that a nice enough way of putting it?) when i'm pms-ing. that doesn't mean i'm completely out of the clear of course but relieves of the anxiety in my mind about it. if she's not concerned then neither am i.

we are at: 25 weeks 3 days.

sit down and buckle up

2009-01-28T09:34:00.000-08:00

took my car over to the fire department this morning to have them check the installation of our car seat. it didn't seem too terribly difficult to install but then again owner's manuals are not the easiest things to decipher, are they? my mother generously got us a graco quattro tour travel system which is this behemoth stroller and a carrier that snaps into a car seat base. it looks pretty easy to use but i was not sure how to install it in my 1999 honda, which is old enough that it does not have that LATCH system that seems pretty simplistic to use. i have read for years that something like 80% of all car seats are installed incorrectly and are therefore at risk of not protecting your baby in a crash, and while i don't anticipate having an accident, i want to be sure the car seat does what it is supposed to do if that happens. i think i would kill myself if my baby was hurt because i didn't take the time to make sure i was putting the car seat in correctly.

it was kind of a fun experience, i had never actually been in a fire station before. maybe when i was in preschool but i don't remember it. they had me pull my car into the garage which i didn't expect - right in there with the big trucks! and man is that garage huge.

i had tried installing the car seat yesterday and i thought i had gotten it in properly. good thing i went because it turned out that it could have been a lot better. i didn't install it wrong or badly... but it could have been a lot more secure. the instructions in the manual did not seem very clear to me and i did not realize that there is a ratcheting mechanism in the rear seat belts that locks the shoulder belt into place. that locking mechanism meant i could use the base and make sure it was strapped securely into the backseat. (the way i had it done before, i couldn't use the base.) the base is convenient because i can just pop out the carrier and take our gal into the grocery store or bank or wherever without having to unhook her from the car seat. and it's really easy to secure the base into the car and remove it later, if we want to put it in brian's car or something.

and, not to turn this into a product pitch, but the firefighter gal who did the seat check said they have found that the graco systems that we have are a great combination of safety and convenience and ease of use for parents. she said a lot of parents really like them, and the firefighters like them as well because they are easy to use safely. so kudos to my mother who picked up our travel system!

we are at: 25 weeks 2 days.

wherein everything progresses right on schedule

2009-01-26T13:33:00.000-08:00

another routine checkup today and everything seems to be right on track where it is supposed to be. i am measuring 25 cm fundal height, which is supposed to (and does) correspond with the number of weeks along. blood pressure is fine though it has not been an issue save one minor hiccup last month, which personally i think is attributable to the stress of not being able to pee before the ultrasound. according to the doctor i am gaining enough weight but not too much and am neither too large nor too small in the belly. she had reviewed our ultrasound with the tech and everything looks normal. we heard our gal's heartbeat again, nice and strong, 150 bpm.

this time we left with a handful of paperwork. it seems like every visit is the same with some little added twist and this time it was the paperwork. lab slips and instructions for my blood glucose test which is am supposed to do between weeks 27 and 28. the dvd for our newborn care class (part of the birthing class we signed up for) that we have to watch. more information about how things should be progressing in the next couple weeks. a card for tracking kick counts (starting in week 28) which i thought was not really done so much anymore but i guess i am wrong or maybe my doctor is just old-school. an online video to watch that i signed up for a while back but can't remember what it is for, maybe about pain relief during labor? and of course we have to make a birth plan. brian was pretty insistent that he did not want to cut the cord and actually turned a little green when i asked him about it, but he was offended that i want my mother there during delivery in case he passes out, go figure.

next weekend or so we will start in on decorating the nursery, now that i have cleaned out my sewing room to make room for the baby. we have settled on lavendar for the walls but not yet agreed on which lavender. i am not a huge fan of lavender in particular and purple in general so i am leaning towards more of a pinky lavendar which brian wants a bluer, cooler shade. we also have to figure out what we want for a crib so we can let my dad know as he has generously offered to build us a crib. and we have to find a dresser. and i have to get the rest of my crap out of there so we actually have a place to put things. oy!

we are at: 25 weeks.

finally!

2009-01-19T11:40:00.000-08:00

brian finally felt the baby kick this weekend!

she is getting to be pretty active for most of the day now, and in the evenings i can watch my tummy ripple and move when she kicks.

the look on his face when he first felt his kid was priceless.

we are at: 24 weeks.

take that, brian

2009-01-16T14:23:00.000-08:00

looks just like our u/s photo, the one of the "parts" at least. betcha we really are having a girl, mr it-still-has-time-to-grow.

we are at: 23 weeks 4 days.

there really is a baby in there

2009-01-15T10:08:00.000-08:00

monday night, at 23 weeks exactly:

i don't know if the angle of the picture i took is making me look rounder or what, i am not standing 90° to the camera nor am i standing straight on, obviously. i stood up as straight as i could because my sister is convinced i am HUGE for 5 months and sticking my belly out. in this photo i am not even relaxed and any curve in my back is the natural curve of my spine, probably visually enhanced by that huge round ass back there, the one that only seems to be getting bigger. according to the pregnancy books i look like the 5 month drawings so who knows. is this normal? i've never been pregnant so i don't know.

sleep is somewhat better though getting uncomfortable, and i still have 4 more months of growing to go. to get around sleeping on my side, i've kind of accomodated by "leaning" on my stomach, kind of at an angle so i don't put too much pressure on my belly, but now even that is getting uncomfortable. this gal is getting big enough too that laying on my back for more than about 10 minutes is uncomfortable, since her weight is enough to push on whatever organs are behind my uterus.

at least we're on the downhill stretch!

we are at: 23 weeks 3 days.

confirmed: i am female.

2009-01-10T09:13:00.000-08:00

finally found out the results of the chromosome test: 46XX, which means i have 46 chromosomes (23 pairs) and the two sex chromosomes are both X, which means i'm a girl. because i might not have figured that out from the boobs and the pregnant belly and the girl parts. ahh, the wonders of modern science.

the test showed no signs of a translocation, which is nice to know. so any issues kiddo may have won't be coming from my genes.

we are at: 22 weeks 5 days.

mama recommends: in praise of the bella band

2009-01-09T10:19:00.000-08:00

how did i get pregnant without knowing about this wonderful piece of clothing? my sister, who has never been pregnant, turned me on to the bella band. how is it that i missed this?

can i tell you how much i love it? i can wear my nice trousers to work again! hallelujah! and it keeps my tummy warm, and since i am always cold, anything over my skin is a blessing. it also covers up that space between my thermal top and bottoms where my belly pokes out under my clothes. l.o.v.e. it.

please have a drink (or two or three) on my behalf

2009-01-03T16:50:00.001-08:00

today is a discouraging day. i feel like my life, especially lately, is one of constantly accomodating everyone else and being pregnant has brought this into sharp focus. even my body is no longer my own! my stomach and bladder are being pushed out of the way to make room for this growing kidlet and while i am really glad she is coming on board to grow our family, i really wish we could hurry up and get her here so i don't have to be pregnant anymore. i can't eat what i want to eat because i have to make sure the baby is healthy. can i tell you how much it sucks to have delicious cheese in front of me, knowing i can't have any while everyone else is enjoying it? and what i wouldn't give for a glass of wine right now. or an excedrin.

what is most discouraging and depressing is that i want so badly to be enjoying this time, because i know how precious it is. i know how drastically everything will change once the baby comes, and that kids are not for just 18 years but forever, and the times i want for us to be young and unburdened and free are right now and not when our kids are grown. and i know i can't have it both ways, because i've wanted to start having kids for a long time, because i know i'm getting "older," but i also feel like i'm just starting to hit my stride in life and now this. but i want to enjoy this, and i want to enjoy every single second that she is teeny, because she will only be teeny for a little while and then she will be an adult, for so long.

and part of me hates myself for wanting so badly to be done with being pregnant, because i (perversely?) actually like my pregnant belly, even as i hate it for keeping me out of my regular clothes. i love feeling her kick inside me and i love knowing that i am growing another little human being within my body.

mostly i wish my husband understood how much i hate being pregnant, how much i want my normal life back, and how unhappy i am about it most of the time.

we are at: 21 weeks 5 days.

it's a...

2008-12-29T11:01:00.000-08:00

we were actually able to wait and open the envelope on christmas day. we opened it alone and the announced to our families, and we were actually nervous before we opened the envelope. i felt a bit like i did on our wedding day, which is strange, because it's not like there was possibly bad news inside. (it's not like that was a bad day, either!)

turns out we are having... a little girl!

the ultrasound tech was 99.9% sure and said we could confidently paint the nursery.

i started crying when i saw the note on the ultrasound picture. i think i had secretly wanted a little girl, but only a teeny bit more than a little boy. i would have been more than thrilled with another little guy in the house. i still do want boys.

now of course we have to have the endless debate about what to name her. brian says i don't like anything he suggests, but to be fair he doesn't like anything i suggest either. we do have a shortlist of the few that we are both agreed on. i personally don't have a need to give her a name right now! seeing as how we still have four more months to change our minds, but we'll see.

we are at: 21 weeks.

now available for viewing

2008-12-23T09:44:00.000-08:00

if these are kind of funky-looking, it's because i couldn't get my scanner at home to work properly this morning and so had to print the photo, scan, and edit at work. it's a long story.

here is our little person, just hanging out:

and sucking his/her thumb!

i think those little teeny fingers are just about the most amazing thing i have ever seen. along those same lines, the u/s tech also showed us his/her teeny little feet, from the bottom up (as if spot were standing on the camera), and we could see all the little toes. amazing.

we are at: 20 weeks 1 day.

the big one!

2008-12-22T13:32:00.000-08:00

so, i forgot to scan the ultrasound pictures from this morning. i'll post those tomorrow or so.

to sum it up: it was wonderful to see our little person, and it was just as awful as i thought it would be. worse, even. the joke in my family is that i have a bladder the size of a thimble (exacerbated by road trips, of course). unfortunately this was confirmed by the u/s tech, who told me, "wow, you're really full!" then while i was in the bathroom she told brian i have a very small bladder, and that i didn't need to have drank the full 32 ounces of water. i could have been fine with half of that, she said. so our regular checkup before the u/s, the wait, and the beginning of the u/s were pretty awful. and just think, labor is even more fun than that! such things to come!

on the wonderful side: i laid down on the table for our checkup and the doctor said, "my, you're distended!" which i guess is a nice way of saying i have a good pregnant belly. she also listened to baby's heartbeat which was 140 beats per minute. mil thinks it will be a boy because last time the heartbeat was 120 bpm, and apparently slower means boy and faster means girl. so i guess this throws that whole theory out the window. or maybe we're having a hermaphrodite.

we waddled (well, i did) down to radiology where i saw the line to register and almost cried. and then waited, and waited, and waited some more. we were early for the appointment, hoping they could get us in early, so every second felt like an eternity to me and my full bladder. and i hate needles, but i told brian i'd rather get another couple blood draws than do this u/s again.

the u/s tech got some great photos and man are they thorough. she took about 40-45 minutes to do the full scan and they check for everything. at one point she mentioned that she was trying to check spot's lip but he/she had its hands over its face. i think our little person was a little sleepy too, because spot was not as wiggly as it has been in the past. this u/s was later in the morning than our usual appointments and in the last two weeks i have been able to feel him/her moving around and kicking earlier in the mornings. (conveniently this morning, right on my full bladder!) she also was able to tell the sex, but she didn't tell us. she said she was 99.9% sure, and we have the answer and a picture of the "parts" in a sealed envelope to be opened on christmas.

so we're on pins and needles for the next few days. on the bright side, the u/s tech said everything looks perfectly healthy and spot seems to be developing normally. we haven't had anything come back that would give us any cause for concern, so it seems like we have a perfect little package in there.

on a slightly different note: the doctor said we never heard anything about the chromosome test because everything came back fine. i'm a girl! i have 46 chromosomes, all in the right places. (they refer to me as 46xx.) no evidence of a translocation. i'm perfectly normal, so brian has to find some other excuse for my crazy.

we are at: 20 weeks.

when being negative is a good thing

2008-12-12T11:00:00.000-08:00

we got the results of my x-afp screening last night and i have never been so relieved, and so thankful for nothing! deep down i did not actually think there was a problem (all the ultrasounds have seemed to show normal development) but at the very least, the afp test often has a very high rate of false positive, often as high as 4/50 women tested.

according to the postcard from the lab, our baby has a 1/150 chance of having down syndrome, a 1/100 chance of having trisomy 18, and an even lesser chance of having anything else that they test for, like smith-lemli-opitz syndrome, neural tube defects, or abdominal wall defects. so i suppose there is still a chance - we could be that one in 100 - but the risk is so small that the doctor is not worried about anything.

no news on the chromosome test yet. i imagine we'll hear about that next week sometime.

yay!

we are at: 18 weeks 4 days.

touché, honey

2008-12-09T09:14:00.000-08:00

last night when he came home from work and gave me a hug:

brian: "you know, i've never been with anyone whose belly got bigger every day!"

me: "huh."

brian: "YOU KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT."

we are at: 18 weeks 1 day.

have i mentioned

2008-12-08T14:01:00.001-08:00

how cute and sweet it is that every monday morning, my husband wishes me "happy (x) weeks!"?

we are at: 18 weeks.