as of today, i have exactly six more working days left until i become a stay-at-home mom!
i've kept this a bit under wraps because i did not notify my job until just this past friday (the official two weeks). my hours were given to a girl hired during my maternity leave and my boss refused to restore them. i work for a small business, so technically he is within the letter of the law (even the very strict california law), even though in my humble opinion that's a f&#^ed up stunt to pull. part-time rates are not available at the daycare in which we chose to place hannah [prior to notification that my hours were cut], so working 16 hours a week was netting us approximately $600 per month after all was said and done. so we chose to take the plunge and become a single-income family.
this is exciting and scary all at the same time. i'm thrilled to be able to take care of my daughter full-time, and not have to leave her with someone else to experience all of her cuteness and sweetness and life. brian feels less anxious because she will be with me instead of in daycare (he was very concerned about daycare in general, even though our place is GREAT).
but... i've never not worked. at least, not since i was 16, save the four weeks i took off when i got married and the four months i took off earlier this year when hannah was born. i've never not contributed a paycheck to our household - even when i was on leave this summer, i still received disability and pfl checks that went into our bank account. i worry about depending solely on brian's income, and i worry about my ability to budget properly for household expenses. i worry that i will end up resenting my husband, who works a very high-stress job with long, unpredictable hours, when he comes home from work and [rightly] relaxes in front of the television while i am at my wit's end trying to get dinner ready with a cranky, fussy baby who has been cranky and fussy all day long.
i know some of you who read this are or have been sahms yourselves... how do you handle these fears? any words of advice for me? i know my situation is not unique, but it is very new to me.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
love letters: month five
dear hannah,
banana! you are five months old today!
i think i will always use exclamation points when i tell you how old you are, because not only is it exciting for you, but i just can't believe it. and finally, FINALLY, we are getting into the swing of things. okay, maybe we were in the swing of things a month or so ago, but still. it feels like it has taken five months to get this mothering thing figured out, sort of. now don't you go growing or changing on me anytime soon. you've gotta give me a chance to get used to this.
your grandfather visited, and we went out for pizza and gelato. i caught him giving you some, even though we have not started you on solids yet. obviously, you like chocolate gelato.
it seems like every month you are growing by leaps and bounds. you have continued your vocal explorations this month and are regularly squealing, babbling, cooing, and laughing. you have the sweetest giggle, all throaty from way down deep in your belly, and you love to grin with your mouth open wide and your nose all squinched up, as if you are SUPER! EXCITED! BY WHATEVER IT IS I'M DOING! you love shrieking, which your father worries is not normal. i just remind him that apparently, we are raising a pterodactyl, but not worry, you'll turn out fine.
you had your second round of immunizations this month, which of course you hated, and i'm really sorry to break it to you, but your 6-month boosters are scheduled for your 6-month birthday. if it makes you feel any better, i had to get my flu shot this month, and i'm still alive. you were in a great mood for the doctor which was a relief as you screamed through your two-month appointment and i was afraid she'd think i was a horrible parent. you are in the 95th percentile for height, which i guess is what i get for marrying a giant like your father. you've already outgrown your carseat.
you continue to be insanely interested in toys and can spend over an hour rolling around on the ground under your activity gym, tugging on the stuffies and making it sing. however, you're not hugely interested in rolling over. you did it a number of times a couple months ago but since then you've been kind of meh about it. you're perfectly happy to roll on your side, but you've only rolled onto your belly from your back once. when we do tummy time, you haven't figured out that you can roll from your belly to your back to end it, so when you get tired of tummy time you just lay there on the ground with your face planted into the blanket and cry. i'm a little worried that you might grow up to be a serial killer WHO KNOWS IT COULD HAPPEN if you don't start rolling regularly soon, but your pediatrician says not to worry.
however, you LOVE the crinkle square i made you, and you LOVE your rattles. anything that makes noise - you're all over it. you stand in front of me and just wave that rattle around. the other day at mommy group you kept whacking yourself in the head with it, but you didn't care. you just had this huge grin on your face, as if it were the best thing in the world. you are such a sunny, happy baby - everything that i had hoped for. you greet every day with a huge smile, because you are just SO! EXCITED! BY LIFE! AND LIVING!
i gave notice at my job two days ago, so in two weeks my only jobs will be to be your mommy and to be daddy's wife. no more daycare for you! it's kind of a strange feeling right now, and kind of surreal. i've never not had a job, never not contributed financially to the household. but in two weeks, i'll have the best job ever - i get to be your mommy, all the time.
i love you, my banana.
love,
mama
banana! you are five months old today!
i think i will always use exclamation points when i tell you how old you are, because not only is it exciting for you, but i just can't believe it. and finally, FINALLY, we are getting into the swing of things. okay, maybe we were in the swing of things a month or so ago, but still. it feels like it has taken five months to get this mothering thing figured out, sort of. now don't you go growing or changing on me anytime soon. you've gotta give me a chance to get used to this.
your grandfather visited, and we went out for pizza and gelato. i caught him giving you some, even though we have not started you on solids yet. obviously, you like chocolate gelato.
it seems like every month you are growing by leaps and bounds. you have continued your vocal explorations this month and are regularly squealing, babbling, cooing, and laughing. you have the sweetest giggle, all throaty from way down deep in your belly, and you love to grin with your mouth open wide and your nose all squinched up, as if you are SUPER! EXCITED! BY WHATEVER IT IS I'M DOING! you love shrieking, which your father worries is not normal. i just remind him that apparently, we are raising a pterodactyl, but not worry, you'll turn out fine.
you had your second round of immunizations this month, which of course you hated, and i'm really sorry to break it to you, but your 6-month boosters are scheduled for your 6-month birthday. if it makes you feel any better, i had to get my flu shot this month, and i'm still alive. you were in a great mood for the doctor which was a relief as you screamed through your two-month appointment and i was afraid she'd think i was a horrible parent. you are in the 95th percentile for height, which i guess is what i get for marrying a giant like your father. you've already outgrown your carseat.
you continue to be insanely interested in toys and can spend over an hour rolling around on the ground under your activity gym, tugging on the stuffies and making it sing. however, you're not hugely interested in rolling over. you did it a number of times a couple months ago but since then you've been kind of meh about it. you're perfectly happy to roll on your side, but you've only rolled onto your belly from your back once. when we do tummy time, you haven't figured out that you can roll from your belly to your back to end it, so when you get tired of tummy time you just lay there on the ground with your face planted into the blanket and cry. i'm a little worried that you might grow up to be a serial killer WHO KNOWS IT COULD HAPPEN if you don't start rolling regularly soon, but your pediatrician says not to worry.
however, you LOVE the crinkle square i made you, and you LOVE your rattles. anything that makes noise - you're all over it. you stand in front of me and just wave that rattle around. the other day at mommy group you kept whacking yourself in the head with it, but you didn't care. you just had this huge grin on your face, as if it were the best thing in the world. you are such a sunny, happy baby - everything that i had hoped for. you greet every day with a huge smile, because you are just SO! EXCITED! BY LIFE! AND LIVING!
i gave notice at my job two days ago, so in two weeks my only jobs will be to be your mommy and to be daddy's wife. no more daycare for you! it's kind of a strange feeling right now, and kind of surreal. i've never not had a job, never not contributed financially to the household. but in two weeks, i'll have the best job ever - i get to be your mommy, all the time.
i love you, my banana.
love,
mama
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