the other day when i picked The Kiddo up from daycare, one of the older kids patted me on the hip in that sweet way kids do and told me how she played with hannah that day and hannah smiled at her, she made hannah happy. the girl addressed me as "hannah's mom, hannah's mom." i'm no longer erin, or brian's wife, or even mrs. stensler. i'm just "hannah's mom."
it's taken me some time to grow into my new role and to learn to enjoy being hannah's mom. i didn't at first. sure, i loved my baby, no doubt, but we weren't in love. others have likened having a baby to falling in love all over again, which is an apt analogy, except that for me, it takes time to fall in love. i'm not one of those fairy-tale love-at-first-sight people. and hannah was sure a cute newborn, but it wasn't love at first sight. there were more than a couple nights, expecially that first month, that i cried to brian how i didn't want this, didn't want this life, wanted my old life back, the life we had before we even thought about getting pregnant.
now, almost five months later, i can say that i am in love with my baby and mean it completely. i love being hannah's mom. i love waking up in the morning and finding her little face two inches from my own, eyes wide open with a big grin the moment she sees i'm awake. i love how she falls asleep next to me when nursing in the middle of the night and snuggles into my body. i love that just being picked up and held by mama can (usually) quiet even the most frantic, distressed cries. i love that she recognizes when i sing "you are my sunshine," and quiets down to listen to me singing to her, and smiles up at me from my arms. i love how she reaches her little hand out to pull me to her when she wants to nurse. i love how she isn't too sure about grass when we lay on the lawn and look at the clouds, but she watches me and as long as i'm okay with it, she is too. i love how she rolls her eyes back in her head, grabs my hair and giggles when i nom on her belly. i love cuddling her, kissing her, showing her new things, watching her learn and grown and smile.
i love being hannah's mom.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
baby abuse and protection, all in one dose
(thanks jess, i was feeling a bit uncreative)
the doctor pronounced hannah happy and healthy at her four-month checkup yesterday. she is 15 pounds 2 ounces, 77th percentile, and 26 inches long, a whopping 95th percentile. okay, obviously this does not compare to someone else's giant baby, but she's on the fast track to be taller than anyone on MY side of the family so i am suitably impressed by her growth.
and then we got shots. three of them, to be exact.
i'm too squeamish to watch the nurse stick her, but i snapped away for posterity. but oh, poor kiddo. her screaming broke my heart. i wanted to grab up my baby and run out of the room... but we stayed, because i know that's what's best for her.
SHE certainly did not think this was what was best for her. please note the color of her head. "why you stick me, evil shot lady?!?!?"
and then it was over, and we stood up and i held her tight, close to my heart. i whispered in her ear that everything was okay, and she stopped screaming.
we went downstairs to mommy group, and she saw all the other babies, and it was like it never happened.
until next time. sorry, kiddo.
the doctor pronounced hannah happy and healthy at her four-month checkup yesterday. she is 15 pounds 2 ounces, 77th percentile, and 26 inches long, a whopping 95th percentile. okay, obviously this does not compare to someone else's giant baby, but she's on the fast track to be taller than anyone on MY side of the family so i am suitably impressed by her growth.
and then we got shots. three of them, to be exact.
i'm too squeamish to watch the nurse stick her, but i snapped away for posterity. but oh, poor kiddo. her screaming broke my heart. i wanted to grab up my baby and run out of the room... but we stayed, because i know that's what's best for her.
SHE certainly did not think this was what was best for her. please note the color of her head. "why you stick me, evil shot lady?!?!?"
and then it was over, and we stood up and i held her tight, close to my heart. i whispered in her ear that everything was okay, and she stopped screaming.
we went downstairs to mommy group, and she saw all the other babies, and it was like it never happened.
until next time. sorry, kiddo.
Friday, September 11, 2009
love letters: month four
dear hannah,
happy birthday, my four-month-old baby!
i cannot believe you are four months old. four months ago i didn't even know you, not really. and now i can't imagine my life without you. and speaking of four months ago, where is the baby we brought home from the hospital, all squalling and red-faced and tiny? did you eat her? you must have eaten her because damn, girl, you are getting HUGE. you have about 8 more ounces to go and then you have doubled your birth weight. IN FOUR MONTHS. that's what i get for marrying a giant, eh?
this has been such a busy month, not just for you but for us also. summer ended and we tried to pack in as much fun stuff as we could. like aunt alice's wedding... you were so well-behaved and quiet during the wedding, and then at the end you let out a big huge fart. daddy was so proud! and everyone at the reception just loved on you and you were so pretty in your dress. the next day you got to meet aunt kirsten and uncle rick, and the next day after that we drove home.
and you! you are changing and learning at lightning speed. even faster than that, maybe. this month you figured out that you have a tongue. who knew?! this has resulted in tons of drool (your daddy swears you are teething, but he's wrong) and lots of spit bubbles and raspberries. the raspberries are cute but you hate the resulting bibs that the drool has engendered. keep it in your mouth and we won't have to go there, kiddo.
your new favorite thing is waving your feet around and sticking them up in the air.
along with your tongue, you have also discovered your voice and how to use it. you've been cooing for a while now, but this month you have started to figure out conversation and communication, and you really like to add to the communication. when we're in the car with the radio on, you like to start talking and squealing in the backseat... but if i turn the radio off so i can listen to you, you fall quiet. i hope this doesn't become a habit, this silence towards your parents, because otherwise how are we going to keep you out of trouble when you are sixteen and figure out who the cool bands are?
speaking of cool bands, we took you to your first concert this month! we went to see def leppard and poison up in marysville. you did wonderfully, i think you liked it. there were lots of bright lights and you could hardly tear your eyes away from the stage. it was a beautiful night, clear and warm but not too warm, and i wore you in the front pack and we danced to the music and you loved it. you even let me cover your ears when we were dancing, which i know you hate. you fell asleep during def leppard which only confirms my suspicion that we are, in fact, raising a flexible baby. and yes, i breastfed you during the concert. we sat there on the lawn on our blanket and had us some nursing. yes, we are now Those Parents.
we also took you to your very first giants game this month. i think you did not enjoy that as much as the concert. we loaded up on the sunscreen and thankfully did not get burned, but it was hot and even with your hat and sunglasses i think it was a bit bright for you. you were a bit fussy and then slept through some of the game, but then edgar renteria hit a grand slam in the bottom of the seventh inning to bring the giants ahead, and the crowd went wild, and you went nuts. you looked at me with these wide eyes, opened up your mouth, and let out the loudest wail ever. i think we could hear you on the tv replays later that night.
you were happiest at the game while you were sitting on my lap playing with your rattle, which thankfully i clipped to your onesie with a paci-clip because you kept dropping it and i was NOT going to be picking it up every ten seconds. that's something else new this month. all of a sudden you have become very interested in TOYS! these magical things that make noise and can be grabbed and held and squished between your fingers! of course, you not only love toys but also toys that are not really toys, like burpies. when you sit in your rocker and watch me make dinner, i usually give you a burpie to play with. i think you like the softness of the flannel. you pull on it and twist it and let it slip and slide through your fingers. you stuff it in your mouth and rub it over your face, and drop it on your knees and then pick it up again.
i went back to work this month, and even though i know i have to, it breaks my heart every day to leave you in daycare and let a couple hours of your life go by without me. daddy and i feel very strongly that i should be a full-time mommy to you, so we're working as hard as we can to make that happen. in the meantime, you seem quite happy at daycare. you love sitting on miss courtney's lap, and all the other kiddos at daycare are THRILLED beyond belief that there is a baby there. you seem to love your peeps there too. you don't notice me when i first walk in, and i watch you watch them, absolutely mesmerized. there is so much for you to see and do and touch and taste and learn every day, and you are absolutly engaged and excited and happy to do it. i love watching you like this, sweetie. don't ever change.
so far, this is my all-time favorite picture of you. you're so beautiful, kiddo, and you always will be the most beautiful thing i've ever seen.
love,
mama
happy birthday, my four-month-old baby!
i cannot believe you are four months old. four months ago i didn't even know you, not really. and now i can't imagine my life without you. and speaking of four months ago, where is the baby we brought home from the hospital, all squalling and red-faced and tiny? did you eat her? you must have eaten her because damn, girl, you are getting HUGE. you have about 8 more ounces to go and then you have doubled your birth weight. IN FOUR MONTHS. that's what i get for marrying a giant, eh?
this has been such a busy month, not just for you but for us also. summer ended and we tried to pack in as much fun stuff as we could. like aunt alice's wedding... you were so well-behaved and quiet during the wedding, and then at the end you let out a big huge fart. daddy was so proud! and everyone at the reception just loved on you and you were so pretty in your dress. the next day you got to meet aunt kirsten and uncle rick, and the next day after that we drove home.
and you! you are changing and learning at lightning speed. even faster than that, maybe. this month you figured out that you have a tongue. who knew?! this has resulted in tons of drool (your daddy swears you are teething, but he's wrong) and lots of spit bubbles and raspberries. the raspberries are cute but you hate the resulting bibs that the drool has engendered. keep it in your mouth and we won't have to go there, kiddo.
your new favorite thing is waving your feet around and sticking them up in the air.
along with your tongue, you have also discovered your voice and how to use it. you've been cooing for a while now, but this month you have started to figure out conversation and communication, and you really like to add to the communication. when we're in the car with the radio on, you like to start talking and squealing in the backseat... but if i turn the radio off so i can listen to you, you fall quiet. i hope this doesn't become a habit, this silence towards your parents, because otherwise how are we going to keep you out of trouble when you are sixteen and figure out who the cool bands are?
speaking of cool bands, we took you to your first concert this month! we went to see def leppard and poison up in marysville. you did wonderfully, i think you liked it. there were lots of bright lights and you could hardly tear your eyes away from the stage. it was a beautiful night, clear and warm but not too warm, and i wore you in the front pack and we danced to the music and you loved it. you even let me cover your ears when we were dancing, which i know you hate. you fell asleep during def leppard which only confirms my suspicion that we are, in fact, raising a flexible baby. and yes, i breastfed you during the concert. we sat there on the lawn on our blanket and had us some nursing. yes, we are now Those Parents.
we also took you to your very first giants game this month. i think you did not enjoy that as much as the concert. we loaded up on the sunscreen and thankfully did not get burned, but it was hot and even with your hat and sunglasses i think it was a bit bright for you. you were a bit fussy and then slept through some of the game, but then edgar renteria hit a grand slam in the bottom of the seventh inning to bring the giants ahead, and the crowd went wild, and you went nuts. you looked at me with these wide eyes, opened up your mouth, and let out the loudest wail ever. i think we could hear you on the tv replays later that night.
you were happiest at the game while you were sitting on my lap playing with your rattle, which thankfully i clipped to your onesie with a paci-clip because you kept dropping it and i was NOT going to be picking it up every ten seconds. that's something else new this month. all of a sudden you have become very interested in TOYS! these magical things that make noise and can be grabbed and held and squished between your fingers! of course, you not only love toys but also toys that are not really toys, like burpies. when you sit in your rocker and watch me make dinner, i usually give you a burpie to play with. i think you like the softness of the flannel. you pull on it and twist it and let it slip and slide through your fingers. you stuff it in your mouth and rub it over your face, and drop it on your knees and then pick it up again.
i went back to work this month, and even though i know i have to, it breaks my heart every day to leave you in daycare and let a couple hours of your life go by without me. daddy and i feel very strongly that i should be a full-time mommy to you, so we're working as hard as we can to make that happen. in the meantime, you seem quite happy at daycare. you love sitting on miss courtney's lap, and all the other kiddos at daycare are THRILLED beyond belief that there is a baby there. you seem to love your peeps there too. you don't notice me when i first walk in, and i watch you watch them, absolutely mesmerized. there is so much for you to see and do and touch and taste and learn every day, and you are absolutly engaged and excited and happy to do it. i love watching you like this, sweetie. don't ever change.
so far, this is my all-time favorite picture of you. you're so beautiful, kiddo, and you always will be the most beautiful thing i've ever seen.
love,
mama
Thursday, September 10, 2009
cloth diapers
love my baby in cloth diapers. L.O.V.E. them.
we actually don't use only the gdiapers that i raved about. (sarah also raved about them here.) i think maybe a lot of people using cloth do this, have multiple different diapers that they use. our multiples are handmade which thrills me to no end. add that to the thrill of having tk in cloth diapers and you just might see my head explode.
i had mentioned a long time back how my mother was sewing diapers for the upcoming baby; once she arrived we discovered that they did not work so well. they leaked all over the place, because even though they were plastic lined, once the flannel inside got wet there was no stopping the moisture from spreading out the legs. my poor mother. you have to give her credit though, this was her first foray into diaper-making and she handled this setback well: she went right back to the drawing board and got some different fabrics. she made some more, we tested them, tweaked them, perfected the design, tightened up the elastic (she seems to be afraid of elastic, but i think you can't be if you want the diapers to work), and lo, we have a fabulous diaper!
it's a pretty basic diaper design, but what you can't see are the pockets on the inside edges (front and back) to hold the soaker, so the soaker can just be changed out and the diaper itself reused if it's still dry. that was a little design tweak that she ripped off from the gdiapers and modified and i love it. we have a couple in this pretty peach and a couple in a beautiful mint green too.
this one was a gift from my friend jaimey. isn't it fun? her design is one-size, so the velcro waistband is very large so that it can expand as the kiddo grows. the top also snaps down so that the diaper can be elongated as the kiddo grows, too. isn't that clever?
when she sent them, hannah was kind of swimming in them, so we have not used them yet. also, with jaimey's diapers you can just lay the soaker into the middle, or you can slip it into a pocket in the back (in between the lining fabric and the outer waterproof fabric) for an all-in-one diaper. i'm telling you, CLEVER.
this one is also from jaimey and it is my absolute favorite of all the diapers we have. ohmygosh is that print not the. best. EVER. i just love it. and yes, she'll make you some too! you can find her diapers here.
my mother also slipped a pattern off the gdiapers that i have so we could make our own! she made one and sent it to me and it is absolutely adorable. i forgot to take a picture of it though. who knew one could get this worked up and excited over something the baby poops in?
also, i made wet bags! they were insanely simple so i don't know why i am so ridiculously excited about them, but i am. i made four for carrying around with us, with a drawstring closure on the top and cord stops to keep the wet diapers from leaking out. i also made two (waterproof) cloth liners for my diaper dekor diaper pail. we had specifically chosen this pail because it did NOT wrap the diapers individually like the diaper genie does. can you imagine having to undo each one of those before washing? no thank you. the refills for the diaper dekor are not insanely expensive - $14.99 for two, and one refill lasts about two months - but why pay for it when you don't have to? so i made two liners - one for the pail, and one to put on the pail when the other liner is in the wash. it's not like we have to do any extra laundry to wash the pail liner, so why buy them?
we actually don't use only the gdiapers that i raved about. (sarah also raved about them here.) i think maybe a lot of people using cloth do this, have multiple different diapers that they use. our multiples are handmade which thrills me to no end. add that to the thrill of having tk in cloth diapers and you just might see my head explode.
i had mentioned a long time back how my mother was sewing diapers for the upcoming baby; once she arrived we discovered that they did not work so well. they leaked all over the place, because even though they were plastic lined, once the flannel inside got wet there was no stopping the moisture from spreading out the legs. my poor mother. you have to give her credit though, this was her first foray into diaper-making and she handled this setback well: she went right back to the drawing board and got some different fabrics. she made some more, we tested them, tweaked them, perfected the design, tightened up the elastic (she seems to be afraid of elastic, but i think you can't be if you want the diapers to work), and lo, we have a fabulous diaper!
it's a pretty basic diaper design, but what you can't see are the pockets on the inside edges (front and back) to hold the soaker, so the soaker can just be changed out and the diaper itself reused if it's still dry. that was a little design tweak that she ripped off from the gdiapers and modified and i love it. we have a couple in this pretty peach and a couple in a beautiful mint green too.
this one was a gift from my friend jaimey. isn't it fun? her design is one-size, so the velcro waistband is very large so that it can expand as the kiddo grows. the top also snaps down so that the diaper can be elongated as the kiddo grows, too. isn't that clever?
when she sent them, hannah was kind of swimming in them, so we have not used them yet. also, with jaimey's diapers you can just lay the soaker into the middle, or you can slip it into a pocket in the back (in between the lining fabric and the outer waterproof fabric) for an all-in-one diaper. i'm telling you, CLEVER.
this one is also from jaimey and it is my absolute favorite of all the diapers we have. ohmygosh is that print not the. best. EVER. i just love it. and yes, she'll make you some too! you can find her diapers here.
my mother also slipped a pattern off the gdiapers that i have so we could make our own! she made one and sent it to me and it is absolutely adorable. i forgot to take a picture of it though. who knew one could get this worked up and excited over something the baby poops in?
also, i made wet bags! they were insanely simple so i don't know why i am so ridiculously excited about them, but i am. i made four for carrying around with us, with a drawstring closure on the top and cord stops to keep the wet diapers from leaking out. i also made two (waterproof) cloth liners for my diaper dekor diaper pail. we had specifically chosen this pail because it did NOT wrap the diapers individually like the diaper genie does. can you imagine having to undo each one of those before washing? no thank you. the refills for the diaper dekor are not insanely expensive - $14.99 for two, and one refill lasts about two months - but why pay for it when you don't have to? so i made two liners - one for the pail, and one to put on the pail when the other liner is in the wash. it's not like we have to do any extra laundry to wash the pail liner, so why buy them?
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
am a working girl once again
i started back at work yesterday and let me tell you, WORKING SUCKS. there are a multitude of reasons that would be inappropriate to discuss here, but largely WORKING SUCKS because i have to leave my kiddo to be babysat by another mommy, while i go babysit my clients. what is wrong with this picture?
also, WORKING SUCKS because pumping at work sucks. pumping at work sucks not only because of my somewhat ignorant colleagues who felt that i ought to be able to pump in the bathroom instead of the break room. since i did not feel like enlightening them on the finer points of the law and my legal right to be provided a space, i just told them it was illegal for me to pummp in the bathroom because it is unsanitary. good Lord. i mean, i actually had to remind my boss that he wouldn't eat lunch in the bathroom, so i shouldn't have to prepare the kiddo's lunch there either.
pumping largely sucks because of the aforementioned leaving my kiddo. sure, i pump every morning anyways, so i'm no stranger to my breast pump. we're good friends. but there is a HUGE difference between pumping for a good cause and pumping because your kiddo is in daycare. so yeah, it sucks.
all of this has just strengthened my resolve to get our life straightened out so i can be a sahm. brian too... he actually checked her last night for bruises. bruises! as if i would send her to a daycare that might abuse her! still, he says he worries because someone - anyone - other than me is taking care of her. so hopefully i'll get to be sahm soon. this daycare thing is breaking my heart every day.
also, WORKING SUCKS because pumping at work sucks. pumping at work sucks not only because of my somewhat ignorant colleagues who felt that i ought to be able to pump in the bathroom instead of the break room. since i did not feel like enlightening them on the finer points of the law and my legal right to be provided a space, i just told them it was illegal for me to pummp in the bathroom because it is unsanitary. good Lord. i mean, i actually had to remind my boss that he wouldn't eat lunch in the bathroom, so i shouldn't have to prepare the kiddo's lunch there either.
pumping largely sucks because of the aforementioned leaving my kiddo. sure, i pump every morning anyways, so i'm no stranger to my breast pump. we're good friends. but there is a HUGE difference between pumping for a good cause and pumping because your kiddo is in daycare. so yeah, it sucks.
all of this has just strengthened my resolve to get our life straightened out so i can be a sahm. brian too... he actually checked her last night for bruises. bruises! as if i would send her to a daycare that might abuse her! still, he says he worries because someone - anyone - other than me is taking care of her. so hopefully i'll get to be sahm soon. this daycare thing is breaking my heart every day.
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