continued

i've been prescribed zoloft, because it's safe for breastfeeding. the doctor i saw for medication was actually very supportive of continuing to breastfeed, which made me very happy. he feels that breastfeeding has some effect in "warding off" or lessening the symptoms of depression, and also feels that weaning could exacerbate my depression as well. yay for support! i feel very uneasy taking a drug that will change the way i think, so we'll see how it goes. apparently this is a temporary albeit long-term solution. i'll be on it for a while.

the downside is, i can no longer donate. i called the milk bank to be sure and they said that unfortunately zoloft is a disqualifier. this is disappointing because i really liked donating. it made me feel good, like i was giving back to society or something. so i just sent off my last cooler of milk, 95 ounces that i had had in my freezer, pumped before i began taking the zoloft. that brings us to a total of approximately 825 ounces donated. wow! i am very proud of that. my boobs are not to be trifled with.

it's been... a week. lots of doctors' appointments, a couple very bad days. family visiting this weekend and all the stress that comes with that beforehand - cleaning, finishing christmas gifts, so on and so forth. we are very excited for hannah's first christmas and keeping busy helps. a fun visit with family, who was very supportive and understanding - my stepmother revealed that she also struggled with depression after her son was born. the women in my mommy group were also very supportive as a number of them are struggling with similar issues. the house is clean which always makes for a happy home. hannah had an excellent day yesterday - the happiest i think i've ever seen her. maybe the happy drugs are working on her too? or maybe it is just that she had a happier mom.

postponed

here's my dirty little secret: i am struggling with postpartum depression.

i have suspected for a while that this was the root of a lot of issues in my life lately, and last night it was confirmed. i had a major meltdown - not my first, but the worst. i ended up sobbing in front of the bathroom sink with the counter doors open - i had cleaned out the sink the other day and found all of brian's painkillers leftover from his slipped disk. i thought i had put them under the sink but realized later that they went into the hall closet with the other leftover meds. (random aside: what do you do with all that stuff anyways, since you're not supposed to throw it in the trash or flush them? sell them on the street?) hannah was screaming and i thought about people who smother their babies with pillows. i thought, if i had to chose between her and brian right then, i would chose brian in a heartbeat. i thought, i am afraid of myself. then i left hannah with brian, got in my car, and drove to the emergency room where they confirmed that yes indeed it does sound like we are dealing with postpartum depression.

i had an intake appointment with a therapist this morning who confirmed that yes indeed, postpartum depression. if we can swing the $90 co-pays, i am to be enrolled in an intensive outpatient program. either way, it is likely that i will be prescribed meds. brian is not keen on meds especially since i am still breastfeeding, and both the psychologist at the hospital last night and the intake psychologist this morning were very keen on weaning. i understand everyone's cocnerns, but the research seems to indicate that it's safe to breastfeeding while on antidepressants (with a few specific exceptions). in this aspect i am not getting a lot of support which is extremely frustrating. brian is against meds in general, but that obviously isn't working since everything is getting worse. breastfeeding is important to me and helps me bond with hannah - i feel like i am doing something good for her when she nurses. i don't want to give that up and i don't think i should have to. lots of women are on antidepressants while they are pregnant even. [exhibit a: heather armstrong.] there are so many different antidepressants out there - surely we can come up with one and tailor the dosage low enough that i can continue to breastfeed.

i was concerned about this while i was pregnant. looking back, i have probably been mildly depressed for years, and being pregnant and then having a baby likely exacerbated everything. this is one time where i wish i wasn't right.

i want to enjoy my baby. i love her, i really do. i know i wouldn't ever hurt her. it's just that i feel so removed from her and some days, i really don't want her. that makes me feel so sad (and so guilty, and so angry), especially because she is so very wonderful and because i'm lucky enough to get to stay home with her that i should at least be enjoying it. i want to enjoy my husband, and my life. brian often points out how i am living my dream, and he's right - i am married to a wonderful man, i have a beautiful happy healthy baby, we live in a lovely house, i am a stay-at-home mom for my daughter, and i am starting my own business. i have everything that i've always wanted, and now i want to enjoy it.

edited: i'm not looking for sympathy or pity or anything like that. that's not why i posted this. i posted this because on a daily basis it is overwhelming to even try to comprehend what needs to be done just to survive. i dread waking up in the morning because the entire day stretches out in front of me and it just seems endless. i'm exhausted. that's all.

love letters: month seven

dear hannah,

today you are seven months old. seven months! we are more than halfway through a year now. a friend asked me the other day what was essential for me the first few weeks of your life, and i have to say i don't remember so much other than surviving and trying to figure out nursing. there was a teeny little baby at our mommy group yesterday, only 3 weeks old, and i held her and she was so light and small and tiny and precious and delicate. i can't believe you were once that small. the baby you have become has eclipsed the baby you were, and now all i can remember and think about is the wonderful girl you are now.


the holidays are upon us, full steam ahead, which means you had your first thanksgiving this past month. thank goodness you won't remember it because there was really nothing to remember. daddy worked (so he can take extra days off around christmas) and nana decided not to come up since we were going to see her in tahoe in a few days. so you and i just hung out all day, and then daddy brought home dinner from work and you tried turkey for the first time. you did NOT like it and gagged a couple times, and this is awful of me to say, but it is so stinking cute when you gag and your little tongue comes out.


that's your new favorite thing, by the way, your tongue. you stick it out the corner of your mouth all the time, as if you are concentrating really hard. it's so cute and sweet and i have no idea why you do it. you seem to do it most when you are happy, which you are a LOT. daddy and i always comment on what a happy baby you are. you are happy and content pretty much all the time, except when you are teething. you cut your two bottom teeth this month, both at the same time, and OY, your teething has been kicking my butt. wow. of course, you're not interested in the mesh teethers with ice in them or chewing on a frozen washcloth. you do like to chew on your fridge teethers, but only for a little while. you hate baby orajel and it is all i can do to keep you from spitting out teething tablets. tylenol, though. WOW. you think that stuff is candy.


we spent a week up at lake tahoe this month and you had your first taste of snow. well, you didn't actually taste it - you weren't that interested. i think you did not appreciate the cold, though. one morning daddy and i went tubing on the snow, and we switched off holding you so the other could tube. when i put you on a breeze came up and you screamed and screamed and screamed some more. i had you facing in to me and your little cheeks were so red, so i unzipped my fleece so you could be face in to me and draped my scarf around your head so you would be protected from the wind, and you fell asleep with your cold little nose pressed against my chest.


we also rode the cable car up to high camp and went ice skating up there, and your daddy wore you in the baby bjorn for the first time. i think maybe he thought it was a chick thing to do, wear one's baby, but once he saw how much you love being in the baby bjorn - not just being in the baby bjorn on mama - he fell in love with it too. after that i couldn't get you off of him, which was fine for you because you just adore him. i think the other thing that convinced your father to wear you was that his options were that or carry the diaper bag, which is really just an oversized handbag and VERY chick-ish.


we went sledding - even your nana sledded, she who is not adventurous! we even took you sledding, crazy parents that we are. we do a lot of "crazy" things like that that probably some people would say are irresponsible, but we are always careful to protect you. we went on a small hill and went pretty slowly for you and always kept our feet out so we could stop any time we needed to. you were pretty uninterested. i think maybe you just didn't know how you were supposed to react. is this supposed to be fun? and then - i sat you on the snow, and daddy came sledding down the hill, and you looked up to watch him. he sledded straight towards you and came to a stop behind you, and you freaked out and started screaming - and we laughed. i'm sorry, but it was funny. having a baby is a lot of fun.


i am constantly amazed too by how much you learn every month and how much you are growing. just this last week you have figured out how to play a repeating game with us, where you babble something and we make the same noise back to you. the first couple times you were kind of surprised that we did it, and then you figured it out. we do wonder if we're tormenting you by mimicking back "mama, i'm hungry," or "i'm lonely back here and i want to get out of this car seat, i hate it," but it's too much fun not to play. now this is what i have been waiting for with you - to play games and watch you learn and grow. you're amazing, sweetheart.


i love you, my banana.
love,
mama

baby food!

whyohwhyohwhy did i wait so long to make baby food? THIS STUFF IS AWESOME. for her, i mean. but maybe also for me? could be, her applesauce is DAMN good.

i guess i was just lazy, that is the only conceivable reason i can see why people would actually buy baby food instead of making their own. since it isn't really that difficult and it is more inconvenient to go to the supermarket every time the baby needs food and Lord knows it is insanely cheaper to make it. i did want those little plastic lidded containers that the gerber baby foods come in and all things considered i'm glad i have them.

i made carrots and applesauce yesterday, butternut squash (hannah's favorite!) and turkey today. i'm planning on doing some broccoli and green beans later today, but all the ice cube trays are full right now. carrots i steamed into oblivion on the stove - i usually do mine to crsip-tender, about 8 minutes, but hers i did for 25 so they would be soft enough to puree up nicely. apples i peeled, cored, and sliced (just like for apple crisp), covered with plastic wrap and stuck in the microwave for 2 minutes per apple with about a teaspoon of water per apple. butternut squash i also did in the microwave for about 12 minutes under plastic wrap. the turkey was leftover from dinner the other night. then i just stuck them in the food processor until they were nicely pureed. the applesauce i did add about a teaspoon of lemon juice (for 3 apples) to keep them from discoloring, and the turkey needed a good bit of breastmilk to make a decent puree because it gets so dry in the refrigerator. then i just spooned the puree into ice cube trays, froze them, and then popped them out into little bags. i figure one cube is about what she eats for breakfast and about half of what she eats at night.

there's no extra crap in them, not even the water that gerber adds to thin out their puree. just plain old goodness. how awesome is that? i figure too, that if for some reason we don't get through the food i make for her - if she's decides she's allergic to something or refuses to eat something and i can't trick her into opening her mouth - it's just fruit and vegetable puree. i can add it to meatloaf, soup, smoothies, pasta sauce.

i am so wicked excited by this. it's kind of eyebrow-raising to see me. i'm on a bit of a tear. maybe because we will be making another big milk donation in the next day or so and i'm feeling like my freezer won't be full enough?

a friend told me that you're not supposed to freeze baby food in uncovered ice cube trays because the nutrients escape. it would be just my luck if this were true, especially since i don't believe it. how do they escape? do the vitamins evaporate? do they grow legs and walk away?

education

brian has taken to "teaching" hannah. he is convinced that her first word needs to be "dada." to that end, i overheard him the other day:

"daddy says, da da da da da. woody says, meow meow meow meow meow. hannah says, wah wah wah wah wah. nana says, na na na na na. mama says, blah blah blah blah blah."

i might consider being insulted if it wasn't so. damn. cute.