so this is what motherhood is supposed to be like.

this morning, hannah woke up at 6a crying, not going back to sleep. she has been doing this lately, waking up a bit too early for my taste, and i can tell that because of these early wakings that she's extra tired, because she naps longer during the day. i went into her room and got her out of her crib and shut the door. we curled up in the easy chair in her room and i rocked her to sleep on my chest and then dozed off myself.

i used to dread her nightwakings and early-morning-wakings. i'd wake up around 3a or 5a and just lie in bed, waiting to hear her cry, praying that she wouldn't, praying to go back to sleep so i could somehow drag myself through another day as a mother. when she would cry, i'd comfort her and rock her back to sleep and resent every moment of it, silently begging her to go back to sleep quickly so i could rest. time passes more quickly when you're asleep.

this morning i sighed resignedly when i heard her fussing, then pulled on my pajamas and went to her. i realized i didn't resent it. all things considered, i'd rather be cocooned in my nice warm bed, snuggled up against my husband, instead of rocking a fussy baby back to sleep and trying to get comfortable enough in an old armchair to sleep myself. i'd rather be in bed when she lifts her sleepy head off my chest and then lets it fall with a thud, and if i'm not careful to keep my face out of the way she'll knock a tooth or my chin. but... i don't resent this. i don't dread it anymore. in a perverse sort of way, i actually kind of look forward to rocking her to sleep, cuddled in the chair with my daughter on my chest, heavy and trusting. her hair tickles my chin and she smells so good, and it feels good to kiss her head gently while she rests.

i had worried for a bit that the medication was not working, and then suddenly i felt happy, giddy almost, happier than i have been in a long time. i'm enjoying being a wife and a mother. i look forward to my husband and my daughter instead of wanting to be left alone. hannah's happier too, probably because her mother is present now. finally, this is what normal feels like, and i think i like it.