today i am scared of this baby.
i am also scared of putting this out here for everyone to see and read. i admire women who blog honestly about their emotions and experiences because i am not that brave. i am trying to be, if for no other reason than this baby is going to need a mother stronger than me. most days when i blog i try to pretend i have a whole slew of readers who are interested in what is going on in my life. today i am trying to pretend that no one reads this. i haven't kept a journal in years; maybe i should start again.
i didn't ever want to be pregnant. i have wanted to have babies and be a mom as long as i can remember, i just didn't want to be pregnant. i wish there were another way.
i am scared that everything i am feeling is not just hormones and normal. i am scared that i am going crazy, like seriously, institutionalized crazy.
i am scared i won't be a good mother.
i am scared of taking time off of work and how it will be when i go back to work.
i am afraid of leaving my baby in daycare, because right now we can't afford for me to not work. i am afraid something will happen to my baby if someone is watching him/her who doesn't love him/her as much as brian or i will.
i am afraid that being in daycare will mess up our child. 85% of a child's brain is developed by the time they are 5 years old, and i want brian and i to be the ones influencing that development, not a daycare worker.
i am afraid of how forgetful i am getting. everything i have read says that being forgetful is part of being pregnant, but i am scared i will accidentally burn the house down or forget something vital to my job and get fired.
i am afraid that i am hurting my baby when i take tylenol for a headache, even though the doctor said it was fine and doesn't cause any harm. there just comes a point where i can't handle the pain anymore.
i am terrified of giving birth. i am afraid of the pain and that i won't be able to do it. i am afraid of the epidural and the episiotomy and if i have to have a caesarean.
i am scared of the recovery afterwards and the bleeding.
i am worried that my baby won't be able to breastfeed.
i am scared that brian and i won't be able to agree on a name for the baby, and it will be named something awful that i can't stand, and i will have to call it that for the rest of my life.
i am worried about how we will manage when the baby comes and i am too exhausted to brush my teeth, let alone cook dinner for us. i am not so worried about brian surviving, but i have to eat healthy for myself and for the baby. brian can't cook and i am worried that i won't be able to depend on him.
i am afraid of how this baby will change my relationship with my husband, and how things will never be the same.
i am afraid that if i don't work, even for 6 or 8 weeks after the baby is born, that my husband will resent me because i am not contributing financially to our family.
i am worried that my husband won't appreciate the sheer work it will be to be a new mother, because i won't be getting up every morning and trudging off to the office for 8 hours.
i am afraid that the baby will be a burden on our family.
i am afraid that i will love the baby more than my husband. i am afraid that my husband will see that, and resent me and the baby.
i am afraid that my husband will be so tired when he comes home from work that he won't want to hug me or hold his baby, and i won't ever get a break.
i am afraid that i will want to go back to work, just to get away from my baby and interact with normal adult human beings for a while.
i am scared that my tears and stress and and headaches and negative emotions will hurt my baby.
i am worried that i don't want this baby enough, and i'm scared when sometimes i don't care that i am pregnant. sometimes i even wish i wasn't, and it isn't because i can't fit into my favorite jeans or have a glass of wine anymore.
i am afraid that i am alone, and i have to do this alone, and no one understands what i am feeling, least of all my husband. i am afraid that he doesn't know how to help me or comfort me, or that he is too afraid of making me more upset that he won't try.
i am afraid that you will read this and everyone will know how crazy i am, and i am afraid that you won't read this and no one will know how lonely being pregnant makes me feel.
we are at: 17 weeks 3 days.
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2 comments:
I think you are brave for voicing your concerns. I think the people who don't say how they feel are the ones who end up in trouble because others don't have any way to understand. I think the ones who don't worry are the ones who face trouble because they are caught by surprise.
I think you are brave. And wise. And already a good mother.
Erin, it is SO normal to have these concerns. Having a baby is a very huge, very life changing event. It literally changes your whole world.
and yes it's exhausting, and yes sometimes kids cause conflicts in marriages, and yes childbirth really hurts(but an epidural makes it sooo much better), and it's very hard to drop your kid off at daycare, and not all husbands can cook.
But as big as all of these things seem sometimes they will go by in flash. Before you know it the baby will be here and then it will be it's first birthday and before you know it he or she will be going to Kindergarten(a much scarier prospect than birthing).
You aren't crazy, you are brave for posting this and I think it's admirable. It can be really hard to share "less than happy" thoughts.
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