might need to be getting out more

so, i'm going back to work in a week.

actually, less than a week. my first day back at the office is tuesday, september 1.

i'm having very mixed emotions about going back to work. on the one hand, i'm going to miss my daughter. i'm going to miss all the grinning and cooing she does during the day. i know, i'll get my fix when i come home each night, but still. and i'll miss all the things she'll learn how to do during the day while i'm at work. i mean, eight hours is a long time when you've only been out in the world for 15 weeks. what if she learns to sit up while i am at work, and i miss it? or if she crawls, or takes her first steps, or learns to fly and airplane, all while i am at work?

(fortunately, we have her in a wonderful daycare that i have no worries about. it's actually not the one i mentioned before; that one fell through, but we were able to find another that is just as wonderful, though unfortunately not as easy on our budget. and i'm not going back to work full-full-time. i'll be taking thursdays off, so i can still go to my mommy group and have an extra day with our kiddo.)

also, selfishly, it's pretty damn nice being lazy and staying in my pajamas most of the day and not having to work. and just try getting anywhere on time. it's impossible. at least while i'm not working, we have quite a large cushion of time (read: the entire day) to make it out the door to do normal things like shop for groceries and go to the bank. in one week i am going to have to try to wrangle myself AND a baby out of the house by 830a. with both of us fed, bathed, clothed, and ready for the day. it was hard enough to get myself out of the house on time BEFORE i had a baby.

on the other hand... man, i hate to say this, but it's kind of dull, taking care of an infant. it gets really boring, really fast. i mean, i love her to pieces and she's cute and all, but you can only coo and giggle and grin back at the baby so much before you go out of your head. changing diapers gets really old, really fast. so does nursing, even. i mean, we got past the troublesome beginning, the pain and the difficult latch and the overactive letdown, and now it really is all sunshine and rainbows and puppies frolicking in the meadow, the intimate emotional connection between me and my baby that i had hoped and heard it would be. but i do have those moments when i feel like, damn girl, AGAIN? you want to eat AGAIN? from me? can't you just go make yourself a sandwich already?

so, there it is. i mean, i know in the grand scheme of things i'm pretty lucky. i got to stay home with my baby for 16 weeks (by the time i go back to work), which is 2+ weeks longer than most people who continue working. we can't afford right now for me to be a sahm, but hopefully by the beginning of next year we will be able to manage without my income, or at least i can cut my hours down to three or even just two days a week. at the moment part of me doesn't want to give up my job, my independence. it's my connection to adults and adult conversation (thank heavens for mommy group too!) and helps reset my brain from baby-only.

case in point: last night brian came home and asked about my day, and i told him how we went to kohl's to return some stuff and get him some new work shirts, and she made a HUGE noisy poopy right there in the middle of men's furnishings. in her diaper, but still. and then grinned at me. i took her into the bathroom to change her, and MAN was it ever huge - her entire bottom was covered with poop - and she just continued to babble and grin at me. scintillating, no?