i finally made the call today that i had been dreading for a while. dreading might be a strong word for it, but i was certainly not looking forward to this call. i had to call our (new) day care provider to let her know that we would like to place our daughter with her when she arrives.
i had been looking into day care for quite a while and really had no clue what i was trying to find. i had known even before we got pregnant that i would not be able to stay home full-time and be a sahm no matter how much i wanted to. we just can't afford it. half of brian's paycheck goes to our mortgage payment, and then we have our regular bills and his car payment as well. if we had zero debt (and we are working very hard to get to that point) then it would be more feasible but at the moment it just is not. so when we had The Chat about how much money we have and how long i will be able to stay home after the baby comes and my disability runs out, it was not a surprise to me that we need me to go back to work.
i got a very strong recommendation from a coworker friend about a woman who runs a small in-home day care, so i checked her out two weeks ago. she's wonderful and reminds me of my own mother, only taller. i have no doubt our gal will be in fabulous hands with her. i had my exhaustive list of questions (i had absolutely no clue what to ask a prospective day care provider which i'll post later in case there are those of you who were like me and have no idea either) and she answered everything even beyond my expectations. the kids she takes care of are fun and sweet and should be a good influence on our gal. she is close to home and work, so i can "visit" our daughter during the day (i'm hoping to breastfeed during my lunch but we'll see how that works out). she's not even hugely expensive, which is such a saving grace to our ever-tightening budget. i went home that night and told brian everything about her, and then i started bawling.
i don't want to put my daughter in day care. i want to be the one who raises her. it's not even about how i feel about day care in general - that kids are best served being raised and loved and taught by their parents, not hired help. it's so much more than that. i want to be the one to teach her to tie her shoes. i want to be the one who works with her on potty-training. when she first smiles or sits up, i want to be the one there to see it, not the day care lady. i don't want to be away from her for eight hours a day. at the moment (see how naive i am? moms, you'll all laugh) i don't want to be away from her for one hour a day. i haven't even met this child yet and already i can't imagine my life, my future, without her. i want her so badly and i would be heartbroken if she was taken away from me, but here i am voluntarily, willingly giving her up.
maybe it's "just" pregnancy hormones that are making me feel like this, but i doubt that's the whole story. i just want my daughter all to myself and to brian. i don't want brian to go back to work either. i know it's not realistic because we didn't win the lottery, we're not independently wealthy, we don't have trust funds - but i just want my husband and my baby with me all the time, so we can just be a family together.
we are at: 31 weeks 3 days.
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2 comments:
My heart goes out to you on this issue :( both my husband and I really didn't want to do the whole day care thing, and we never did, BUT we had to give up on ever owning our own home. When my first was born I just graduated college, and my husband was ready to start graduate school. Talk about the hardest two years of our lives! He worked at night, I worked part time when he wasn't at school. We had no help, but our daughter was taken care of only by us.
I wouldn't trade what we did for anything, but I sure do wish we owned our home sometimes.
In this day and age, I think what you are doing is the norm, unless one spouse has a killer salary. Don't beat yourself up about it, just do the best that you can, and it will all work out in the end.
I know that is such a terrible feeling :( I am actually an early childhood educator, so I am going to open my home as a home child care provider. I'm looking forward to spending time with my son, but I know that if it weren't my profession, I'd be returning to work and be in the same place you are. Just remember that you will still see many firsts, and teach many things because in the end, YOU are your child's primary care giver. And, in a few months of having her in child care, I bet you'll really like the break :) Good luck!
On a side note, your maternity pictures are beautiful - congratulations! Also, I have added your site on my blogroll, I've enjoyed reading your entries.)
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