postponed

here's my dirty little secret: i am struggling with postpartum depression.

i have suspected for a while that this was the root of a lot of issues in my life lately, and last night it was confirmed. i had a major meltdown - not my first, but the worst. i ended up sobbing in front of the bathroom sink with the counter doors open - i had cleaned out the sink the other day and found all of brian's painkillers leftover from his slipped disk. i thought i had put them under the sink but realized later that they went into the hall closet with the other leftover meds. (random aside: what do you do with all that stuff anyways, since you're not supposed to throw it in the trash or flush them? sell them on the street?) hannah was screaming and i thought about people who smother their babies with pillows. i thought, if i had to chose between her and brian right then, i would chose brian in a heartbeat. i thought, i am afraid of myself. then i left hannah with brian, got in my car, and drove to the emergency room where they confirmed that yes indeed it does sound like we are dealing with postpartum depression.

i had an intake appointment with a therapist this morning who confirmed that yes indeed, postpartum depression. if we can swing the $90 co-pays, i am to be enrolled in an intensive outpatient program. either way, it is likely that i will be prescribed meds. brian is not keen on meds especially since i am still breastfeeding, and both the psychologist at the hospital last night and the intake psychologist this morning were very keen on weaning. i understand everyone's cocnerns, but the research seems to indicate that it's safe to breastfeeding while on antidepressants (with a few specific exceptions). in this aspect i am not getting a lot of support which is extremely frustrating. brian is against meds in general, but that obviously isn't working since everything is getting worse. breastfeeding is important to me and helps me bond with hannah - i feel like i am doing something good for her when she nurses. i don't want to give that up and i don't think i should have to. lots of women are on antidepressants while they are pregnant even. [exhibit a: heather armstrong.] there are so many different antidepressants out there - surely we can come up with one and tailor the dosage low enough that i can continue to breastfeed.

i was concerned about this while i was pregnant. looking back, i have probably been mildly depressed for years, and being pregnant and then having a baby likely exacerbated everything. this is one time where i wish i wasn't right.

i want to enjoy my baby. i love her, i really do. i know i wouldn't ever hurt her. it's just that i feel so removed from her and some days, i really don't want her. that makes me feel so sad (and so guilty, and so angry), especially because she is so very wonderful and because i'm lucky enough to get to stay home with her that i should at least be enjoying it. i want to enjoy my husband, and my life. brian often points out how i am living my dream, and he's right - i am married to a wonderful man, i have a beautiful happy healthy baby, we live in a lovely house, i am a stay-at-home mom for my daughter, and i am starting my own business. i have everything that i've always wanted, and now i want to enjoy it.

edited: i'm not looking for sympathy or pity or anything like that. that's not why i posted this. i posted this because on a daily basis it is overwhelming to even try to comprehend what needs to be done just to survive. i dread waking up in the morning because the entire day stretches out in front of me and it just seems endless. i'm exhausted. that's all.