today is a discouraging day. i feel like my life, especially lately, is one of constantly accomodating everyone else and being pregnant has brought this into sharp focus. even my body is no longer my own! my stomach and bladder are being pushed out of the way to make room for this growing kidlet and while i am really glad she is coming on board to grow our family, i really wish we could hurry up and get her here so i don't have to be pregnant anymore. i can't eat what i want to eat because i have to make sure the baby is healthy. can i tell you how much it sucks to have delicious cheese in front of me, knowing i can't have any while everyone else is enjoying it? and what i wouldn't give for a glass of wine right now. or an excedrin.
what is most discouraging and depressing is that i want so badly to be enjoying this time, because i know how precious it is. i know how drastically everything will change once the baby comes, and that kids are not for just 18 years but forever, and the times i want for us to be young and unburdened and free are right now and not when our kids are grown. and i know i can't have it both ways, because i've wanted to start having kids for a long time, because i know i'm getting "older," but i also feel like i'm just starting to hit my stride in life and now this. but i want to enjoy this, and i want to enjoy every single second that she is teeny, because she will only be teeny for a little while and then she will be an adult, for so long.
and part of me hates myself for wanting so badly to be done with being pregnant, because i (perversely?) actually like my pregnant belly, even as i hate it for keeping me out of my regular clothes. i love feeling her kick inside me and i love knowing that i am growing another little human being within my body.
mostly i wish my husband understood how much i hate being pregnant, how much i want my normal life back, and how unhappy i am about it most of the time.
we are at: 21 weeks 5 days.
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ahh, I so remember those days. I remember them like they were yesterday. Your life as normal is over, but don't worry, you create a new better version of normal! You body will get back and your favorite foods will once again be on your tongue...btw what kinds of cheese are you avoiding...my midwife said mostly as long as its pasteurized not to worry about. And a bite won't hurt you or baby, same for wine. A sample sip will be fine. :) Hang in there, this too shall pass and you will want it back once its gone. :) hugs! side note: I know I suck! I am working on a blog about cloth diapers so that its all in one spot! :)
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