on being completely unprepared

i told one of my girlfriends the "true" story of my labor (as opposed to the laugh-it-off, "she didn't want to come out" story) and she commented that it sounded so scary. she is about 5 months along and wanted the "gory details." i commented back that it was really not scary and that i did not want her to be scared. and that was true, most of hannah's labor was really not so scary to me. i had somewhat anticipated it being terrifying, and had also anticipated feeling out of control and lost, and none of those things really materialized. i think it might have been because we took every childbirth class that was offered by my medical group. i also read all the books and reread all the stuff about labor and delivery in the two weeks before we had her, to remind me of everything. i had prepared myself and in that "moment of truth" (the entire labor process!) my preparation kept my fears at bay.

the things that were scary to me were the things i had not anticipated or prepared for. being catheterized, for example: i wasn't going to need to be catheterized, because i was going to be up and walking around and certainly would get to pee. i wasn't going to need vacuum extraction, because i wasn't going to get an epidural if i could possibly help it, and slow down my own labor and therefore need further interventions like the vacuum. i didn't know they strap down your legs when they perform a c-section.

and then i had to get in that bed to be monitored, and i rolled onto my side to get more comfortable, and after managing through a couple contractions like that, i didn't want to get out of bed (except to get in the shower, which brian made me get out of too soon). and therefore didn't pee, and had to be catheterized. and even though i didn't do anything to slow down my own labor, i didn't anticipate that maybe hannah and i were just not compatible and i might still need the vacuum extraction. (which did not actually scare me in and of itself - but the pudendal block did.) and they do strap down your legs, like in a bad horror movie. no one told me that.

even the failed spinal block, the failed epidural, and the cesarean section did not scare me, but i think at that point i was too exhausted to be afraid. i just wanted it OVER at that point. the only nerve-wracking part of that is that brian could not be with me, and that was all i wanted.

he and i took a little walk around the corridors tuesday night, or rather he put one foot slowly in front of the other and i sort of leaned against him for support and shuffled along. mil was with the baby back in our room and the halls were quiet because visiting hours had ended (but they let mil stay longer). we finally got a chance to be alone together and talk quietly about this whole ordeal we had both just gone through. i told him about everything that happened once they wheeled me away from him, about alexis the nurse who stayed with me the entire time - just stood next to me and kept her hands on my hip and my shoulder and encouraged me through the contractions. her only role in that room, at least while i was awake, was to be moral support for me, and i told him how i appreciated it since he couldn't be there. i told him how they made me sign a cesarean consent form right there on the operating table. i was curled on my side and the anesthetist was poking my back, and i was trying to lay still while blowing through a contraction so he wouldn't paralyze me forever, and some woman shoved a pen in my hand and said, i'm sorry to ask you this right now but we have to get your consent to perform this cesarean so could you please sign right here. i told him how they put those compression pads on my legs but then they had to strap my legs down, and how i felt like i was in an old-timey psych ward, and i was having a contraction and trying to blow through it and trying not to be scared of what they would do next once i was strapped down and couldn't run away and could someone please explain why they had not knocked me out yet?

he told me all the things he had been thinking about and feeling and doing all day long, and filled me in on what happened to him when they took me away. the last i saw of brian before we became parents was him putting on a blue plastic shirt (and pants, i presume) over his tee shirt, so he could be in the or with me once the spinal was in place. my mom had arrived from san diego by then (mil was there the whole time, bless her) and they were all anxious to hear how i was doing, and then a nurse came out and told brian he would have to wait, they had trouble with the spinal block and i needed general anesthesia, and he was so worried about me and the baby. he told me how even though he was insanely worried, he was also glad they were doing the c-section, because labor had been so tough and he wanted it to be over with for my sake. he told me how amazed and proud he was all day, because i was so tough and managed to labor drug-free up until the very end, and he had not expected that as i generally don't handle pain well. he told me how sweet i was even during labor, because i didn't once yell at him and i even told him how i appreciated him being there and helping me, and i only brushed off his touch once at the very end. he told me he appreciated the doctor who suggested the c-section and didn't like the nurse who yelled "you can do it, come on erin!" through each push, because even brian could see that the baby wasn't coming when i pushed.

i knew having this child and going through labor together would bring us closer together, because we (i) would be going through physical things that no man should have to deal with from his wife. trying to push a baby out often pushes poop out and no husband should have to see his wife undignified and pooping on the delivery table. here's your child honey and also some of my poop. all that moaning and grunting and exertion, no man should have to hear his wife make those noises (unless he's in bed with her!). no man should have to watch his wife go through that much pain and suffering, because he has to stand idly by and just watch, knowing there is nothing he can do to help her. brian said he hated that he could only watch me go through those contractions, because if he could have he would have taken all that pain upon himself so i wouldn't suffer.

i was completely unprepared for the level of emotional intimacy that labor provides. i had expected just the opposite. all those (medical) people watching and all that uncouth behavior. i did tell brian that i only wanted him in the room when i delivered - no moms, not my sister, no one but him and the medical personnel, because i thought delivery should be a special thing for mom and dad only. but then, special goes out the window right about the time you're trying to push your baby out and you realize there is a cluster of about eight blue-suited nurses and doctors standing at the end of your bed watching.

then the contraction ended, and i let go of my legs and fell back on the bed and looked up at my husband. he was smiling, and it was our baby i was trying to have, and he pushed my hair back and got me ice chips and told me he loved me, and i realized it was special and intimate, and i loved him right back.