today you are one month old!
one down, 727 to go. that's assuming i live to be 100.
i know, i know. it's so trendy to write these monthly newsletters these days. blame it on dooce, i guess, for starting the trend. in my defense, you have your journal that i started back when i first found out i was pregnant with you. i just figure if i hold myself to [at least] monthly entries then you won't get shafted on the journalling part when life gets in the way of everything else, as always seems to happen.
you have changed so much just in the one month since you were born. you are so much rounder now than when you were born, and so much pinker instead of the frustrated red you were when we were in the hospital. you are so much more alert as well, and trying to do so much. you are getting so good at holding up your head, especially when i put you on your tummy on the floor. and your little legs and feet work at the blanket, as if you are trying to figure out the whole walking thing - or at least crawling! - and can't. you seem so frustrated by not being mobile and self-propelling. all i can say is, don't worry and slow down, because there will be more than enough time for all of that. before you know it you will be crawling all around the house with your father and i racing behind you trying to childproof everything before you end up licking a light socket or something.
mummy's little mummy
i am trying to enjoy this time with you right now, because i know you will never be this little again and i know things about you will change and disappear before i even realize it. i'm trying to memorize all those things about you, like your startle reflex, which is so cute and sweet when you fling your arms wide and your eyes bug out. your sleep grins, in which i can see how sunny of a baby you will be when you really learn how to smile in response to us. the noise you make when you feed, all the coos and sighs and grunts as if you are having your own private conversation with yourself. (maybe you will grow up to be a food critic?) the chuffing sounds you make when you sleep. and how last week, you farted so strong and loud that it shocked your father and me and we got up to make sure everything was okay in your bassinet. then you smiled and sighed as if you had really needed that release and MAN did it ever feel good. daddy and i just about died laughing, it was so wonderful.
i'll be honest with you, this month has been pretty difficult on your dad and me. me especially, because i am your primary caregiver at the moment and also because i'm so hormonal still. the doctor says i'll be hormonal for about a year and your father says i am just insane, so get used to it, kiddo. it's just been a big adjustment, going from a peaceful house where the most demanding thing was the cat wanting breakfast to a house with baby things everywhere and spit-up spots on the sofa. and don't even get me started on the sleep deprivation. in the past few days you have started with the colicky screaming; the other night you screamed for seven hours straight and were quiet only when eating. i guess it's too difficult to scream with a mouthful of boob. your screaming sorely tests the limits of my mental health, and now you're hoarse when you cry.
and your dad has been such a champ and so helpful, even if i am not always so good at noticing it or letting him know how much i appreciate the things he does.
this month we have been struggling with my grandfather's health, your great-grandpa hap, grandma pam's father. he was diagnosed with non-hodgkin's lymphoma, didn't seem to respond well to chemotherapy, and contracted sepsis. i hope you get the chance not just to meet him but for him to be part of your life, but he may be too old for that. grandma pam and i just waited too long to have kids i guess and the generation gap is just too wide - he is 91. he is an amazing man, hannah. as amazing as your father, if you can believe that. he has such a love and joy for life and is so excited for you. i knew he approved of your father when he asked me when he was going to get some great grandkids - before your dad even proposed to me! he was over the moon when i was born, the first grandchild, and when we found out we were pregnant he was thrilled again. i hope he gets the chance to meet you. he has hoped for you for so long.
your father and i have also hoped for you for so long, and we are so glad you finally arrived and that we got to meet you. no matter how difficult our time is right now, we are so thankful that you are here. i have such hopes and dreams for you: i hope you are always happy, and that your life is full of love and joy. i know it is not possible for you to never hurt, but i pray that your pains will be small and short-lived. i wish we could protect you from those inevitable hurts. i know your father and i will make mistakes, and i hope you'll forgive us. we don't mean to make them; we're doing the best we can and trying our hardest to be good parents. i hope you always have you everything you need, everything you want, everything you dream of. i promise you, sweet girl, that we will always try to make sure you have all of those things.
above all, we love you more than anything.
love,
mama
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