marvelling that people actually choose to do this, again and again.

i did not expect it to be this hard. everyone told me the first few weeks (months? years?) were difficult, but i didn't expect it to be this difficult. i knew i wouldn't be getting a lot of sleep, but i didn't expect to be getting this little sleep.

i didn't expect to love this little person so much it hurts. i want to protect her, make her happy, make sure she always has everything she needs and wants and dreams of. i know i can't and it breaks my heart every time i think about it.

i didn't expect to resent this little person so much. she is so needy and so much work and sometimes i just want time for me.

no one told me how much i would cherish her, nor how desperately i would want my old life back, the life we had before we got pregnant.

i didn't realize how wonderful my husband would be and how helpful. nor did anyone mention how much i would resent him for not helping more.

i expected to be hormonal and cry a lot without knowing why. i didn't expect to cry longer or harder or louder than she does, when she is in my arms and still upset in the middle of the night.

i didn't expect breastfeeding to be so hard, nor how painful engorgement would be. i didn't think it would be possible for me to have an overabundant milk supply or an overactive letdown, but i do, and it hurts.

i didn't realize how thankful i would be for the resources my medical group provides, like the free drop-in lactaction clinic with the awesome consultants, or the mommy & me network where a crying baby isn't frowned upon.

i didn't think i would be so ravenously hungry, all the time, even more so than when i was pregnant.

i didn't realize how much i would learn and how my views would change. i know now why people leave their kids in the car when they just need to run into the store quickly. i would never do it, but i understand why someone might.

no one told me how it would break my heart when she cries, or how healing her little grin would be. even though i know she doesn't know what she is doing yet when she smiles, it still fills up a place in my heart that i didn't even know was empty.

i did not expect my body to take so long to recover for childbirth, nor for the recovery to be so painful. i didn't realize i would still be bleeding four weeks later, or that my hips would still ache, or that my ribs would still hurt when i breathe.

no one mentioned that my body would feel so very strange. my insides feel loose and slippery, like the baby was holding things in place and now she is not there to do that.

i didn't realize how unselfish i could be (with respect to the baby), nor how selfish i want to be. we went to a movie the other night, sans baby, and i didn't want to go home to her - but i could never give her up.

i didn't expect to be able to function on this little sleep. i didn't realize how the days and nights would start to run together or that i would have no real concept anymore of what day of the week it is.

i knew my life would change drastically, but i didn't realize how drastically, and i didn't expect to love it and hate it so much, all at the same time.