i had an appointment this morning in the psych department to make sure i'm not mental, and let me tell you how fun it is to tell your husband that you are going to see a shrink when he already thinks you're psychotic!
ever since my breakdown day six weeks ago i have been somewhat concerned that about postpartum depression, especially because i don't want to miss any part of my baby's life if i can help it. then last week i had an awful dream about raging at my husband, throwing things, kicking doors, generally throwing a temper tantrum and destroying the house and while i don't think that dreams mean i have unresolved issues with my father i do think they are your mind's way of working out issues you otherwise can't get out during your waking day. i woke up sweaty and panicky and wondered hmmmmm, what's going on here that we need to deal with? and promptly called psych and made an appointment to chat with someone.
(the appointment guy was so funny on the phone too - he said, what seems to be the issue that you'd like to talk to someone about? i said, i'm pregnant. he said, and...? i said, isn't that enough?)
after discussing my history (none) and concerns (myriad) with the psychiatrist, she deemed me normal, and you can't cure normal. i may feel crazy but that doesn't mean i am, apparently. most of my difficulty with being pregnant seems to come from my pre-pregnancy expectation that even with morning sickness and stretch marks and round ligament pain, being pregnant would be such a happy and enjoyable time, the best of my life, rainbows and singing angels, la la la. i mean, how hard can it be, really? it's not like you have to wake up every other hour to breastfeed or soothe a baby who won't stop crying or change a poopy diaper or figure out how to pay for daycare. it's regular life with a bigger belly, i thought. how wrong i have been! and that seems to be my difficulty: the adjustment i'm needing to make in my expectations of what pregnancy should be and what it actually is. reconciling my idea of pregnancy with the reality of it, and the reality is that i love being pregnant and despise it all at the same time.
while not discouraging me from the appointment, brian had also let me know that he also thought i was normal and just experiencing normal pregnancy craziness. no crazier than usual, i think those were his exact words. i told the doctor my husband would either say i told you so when i told him she said i was normal, or else he wouldn't believe me. ha! i also don't have any of the risk factors for postpartum depression save some "emotional instability" (is that a nice enough way of putting it?) when i'm pms-ing. that doesn't mean i'm completely out of the clear of course but relieves of the anxiety in my mind about it. if she's not concerned then neither am i.
we are at: 25 weeks 3 days.
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2 comments:
It's good that you have the foresight to be concerned.
Honestly, though, all of your frustrations and emotions are on par with what a lot of women feel. I think for the most part other women keep it to themselves for fear of looking crazy or not wanting to admit it.
It's brave of you to be honest, and that honesty will only help you in the long run.
I am glad that a professional has deemed you "normal".
basically that is exactly what she told me. :) that no one ever talks about the difficult side of being pregnant, so women who have a hard time emotionally tend to not share it either.
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