oh, the naivete of youth.

about a year before i got pregnant, i stepped on woody's tail. i was rushing around before work one morning, trying not to trip over the cat as he attempted to help me kill me before leaving the house. he yelped and leapt away, and as i tried not to spill my coffee my heart broke into a million pieces. my baby! my kitten! my little man! how careless of mommy to hurt him! i didn't do it on purpose, sweetheart. mommy loves you.

i felt horrible, as if i had sliced off my own finger. i knew in that moment that i was ready to have children. if i could feel this way about a cat, i was ready for a baby. i had enough love and patience to give a child.

now that i am an actual parent and not just a cat mommy, i know: having a cat? is nothing like raising a baby.

mommy took her happy pills today!

this is how i know the drugs are working:

this morning i woke up at 545a and laid in bed in the dark, listening to brian breathing evenly next to me. hannah cried out in her sleep and i waited for her to wake and cry more, but she didn't. just a random bad dream or something that didn't quite wake her. still, my heart ached and my stomach twisted up in knots but i tried to fight it. i got up, pulled on my sweats, and went to her room and closed the door. i lifted her out of the crib where she was dreaming, sank into the armchair, arranged some cozy blankets over us, snuggled her sleeping body into mine, and drifted off.

tell me this: who gets a perfectly quiet, SLEEPING baby out of the crib when they don't have to? who risks waking that SLEEPING child? someone who is on some damn good drugs, THAT'S WHO.

so this is what motherhood is supposed to be like.

this morning, hannah woke up at 6a crying, not going back to sleep. she has been doing this lately, waking up a bit too early for my taste, and i can tell that because of these early wakings that she's extra tired, because she naps longer during the day. i went into her room and got her out of her crib and shut the door. we curled up in the easy chair in her room and i rocked her to sleep on my chest and then dozed off myself.

i used to dread her nightwakings and early-morning-wakings. i'd wake up around 3a or 5a and just lie in bed, waiting to hear her cry, praying that she wouldn't, praying to go back to sleep so i could somehow drag myself through another day as a mother. when she would cry, i'd comfort her and rock her back to sleep and resent every moment of it, silently begging her to go back to sleep quickly so i could rest. time passes more quickly when you're asleep.

this morning i sighed resignedly when i heard her fussing, then pulled on my pajamas and went to her. i realized i didn't resent it. all things considered, i'd rather be cocooned in my nice warm bed, snuggled up against my husband, instead of rocking a fussy baby back to sleep and trying to get comfortable enough in an old armchair to sleep myself. i'd rather be in bed when she lifts her sleepy head off my chest and then lets it fall with a thud, and if i'm not careful to keep my face out of the way she'll knock a tooth or my chin. but... i don't resent this. i don't dread it anymore. in a perverse sort of way, i actually kind of look forward to rocking her to sleep, cuddled in the chair with my daughter on my chest, heavy and trusting. her hair tickles my chin and she smells so good, and it feels good to kiss her head gently while she rests.

i had worried for a bit that the medication was not working, and then suddenly i felt happy, giddy almost, happier than i have been in a long time. i'm enjoying being a wife and a mother. i look forward to my husband and my daughter instead of wanting to be left alone. hannah's happier too, probably because her mother is present now. finally, this is what normal feels like, and i think i like it.

blinded with science

yesterday hannah and i took part in a research study, and i am so ridiculously excited about this, i cannot even tell you. we signed up a couple months ago at one of the universities near us and i had been anxiously waiting for them to contact us to participate. i firmly believe in actively participating in research when i can, and the brain (and our bodies) is one of those things that juust absolutely fascinates me. when i was a baby, my mother and i participated in a study about infant massage, so i guess it's just in my genes.

brian was very concerned that i would be subjecting hannah to needles or strange drugs and things like that. i reassured him that i would never allow anything like that to happen to her, and that ethically, researchers can't do things like that to babies because they cannot give informed consent. (i think. right?)

we actually participated in two studies yesterday. the first study was testing her short-term memory. she sat on my lap in front of two computer screens with different colored dots on them. on one screen the dots were stationary, and the other the dots were moving around. in theory, she would look at both screens to see the dots, and then if she had stored them in her short-term memory, she would look at the screen with the moving dots longer because it is more interesting than the stationary dots (which were already in her memory).

the second study tested her ability to categorize objects. we sat in front of a television screen and she was shown lots of pictures of cats. big cats, little cats, fluffy cats, orange cats, white cats, you name it. this was to help her make the category "cats." then she was shown a picture of a cat and a dog. in theory, if she had made the category "cats" and was able to differentiate between cats and dogs, then she would look at the picture of the dog longer, because it was new and interesting.

they did tell me that she looked at the moving dots longer. (well, OF COURSE SHE DID. she's a genius. what else would you expect?) they did not tell me what she did on the cats and dogs test and i forgot to ask, which is really a bummer because she is currently going through the developmental stage where she realizes that things are different and the same and begins to categorize objects.

brian was very relieved when i told him how everything went and what she did at the center. we were also kindly given an age-appropriate toy for our trouble, which made it all worthwhile to him. silly man!

we are still on their list, if they need more volunteers for future studies. i really hope they do, because we had a lot of fun doing this, and it is neat to know that hannah (and me, indirectly) contributed to our understanding of how the mind develops and works. if you have a research university close to you and a young baby, i encourage you to participate in any studies they may have as well!

love letters: month eight

dear hannah,

you are eight months old today, and what a time it has been. it's a new year, sweet baby girl! you are crawling now, crawling everywhere, and starting to get into everything. you are one busy little girl.


this past month you celebrated your first christmas! it was stressful, as christmas always is, but it was wonderful as well. first grandpa and grandma ellen came up to visit and spent the weekend with us. nana and grandpa ron came over, and we all went out to dinner for nana's birthday. you were absolutely entranced with the waitress and couldn't stop looking at her each time she came to the table, and when she'd leave you'd twist around in your high chair and crane your neck to watch her as long as you could.


then grandma and aunt kerry and nana came over for christmas itself, and what a time you had. grandma brought you some presents wrapped in tissue paper, so they would be easy to unwrap, and even though the tissue paper crinkled enticingly, you couldn't figure out what it was that you were supposed to do. as we opened gifts on christmas moring, you happily jumped and played in your jumperoo, right in the middle of all the mess. later we took some pictures and you were happiest, of course, with the wrapping paper. you got some new clothes and a couple awesome toys (including bath toys, which you adore), but you loved the wrapping paper the best.


we did not end up doing anything fun for your first new year's. you slept through it anyways. we were going to visit friends, but daddy had to go in to work and had to stay late as well. i don't know how you would have liked it anyways at this age, all the loud noises and fireworks. in a couple years, you'll love it, i guarantee you. you get to stay up late and watch tv and run around in the street with the neighbors at midnight, and sometimes people even call on the telephone late at night. at least, that's what we did when i was a kid, and it was insanely out of the ordinary and exciting.


otherwise it has been a pretty quiet month for us. we have been getting a lot of stuff done around the house, trying to get into a regular schedule of chores and such so that i can keep on track of things. daddy and i took you in the spa for the first time last week, and you were not too sure of it. we thought you would love it because it would be like a giant warm bath, but i think the jets kind of threw you off at first. then you figured out splashing and then you had fun. we have been in the spa at grandma's house too, since we are in southern california right now visiting her. daddy had a business trip so we decided to take a trip too.


the other thing that happened this month is that i was diagnosed with postpartum depression and went on antidepressants. i gave it a lot of thought and did a lot of research and ultimately decided that medication was the best course of action for me, and it isn't going to harm you thankfully. we still have happy times, of course - for example, you just adore going to the grocery store, sitting in the cart and watching me put things in it and watching all the other people around you. we make faces at each other and chat and when we're done you get to hold the list, which i think might be your favorite part. a couple weeks ago you looked up at me and let out this huge burp right as a man was walking by, and it made us both laugh so hard. and you've started flirting all the time now, with everyone, including me. you bat your eyes and lay your head on your shoulder and smile, and i've bumped into people at the grocery store because we're flirting with each other instead of paying attention to where i'm pushing the shopping cart.


this has been a hard year for me, and the last eight months have been hard for me too, but they have also been the best eight months of my life. my depression is not about you, sweetheart. i don't ever want you to think that. my struggles coping are a problem with me, not anything that you have done or not done. you have been the best thing to happen to your father and me, and we love you so very much. we still marvel daily that we were able to create such the beautiful, happy, healthy miracle that is you, and i want you to always know how much you are loved, and how happy you make me.


i love you, my banana.
love,
mama

continued

i've been prescribed zoloft, because it's safe for breastfeeding. the doctor i saw for medication was actually very supportive of continuing to breastfeed, which made me very happy. he feels that breastfeeding has some effect in "warding off" or lessening the symptoms of depression, and also feels that weaning could exacerbate my depression as well. yay for support! i feel very uneasy taking a drug that will change the way i think, so we'll see how it goes. apparently this is a temporary albeit long-term solution. i'll be on it for a while.

the downside is, i can no longer donate. i called the milk bank to be sure and they said that unfortunately zoloft is a disqualifier. this is disappointing because i really liked donating. it made me feel good, like i was giving back to society or something. so i just sent off my last cooler of milk, 95 ounces that i had had in my freezer, pumped before i began taking the zoloft. that brings us to a total of approximately 825 ounces donated. wow! i am very proud of that. my boobs are not to be trifled with.

it's been... a week. lots of doctors' appointments, a couple very bad days. family visiting this weekend and all the stress that comes with that beforehand - cleaning, finishing christmas gifts, so on and so forth. we are very excited for hannah's first christmas and keeping busy helps. a fun visit with family, who was very supportive and understanding - my stepmother revealed that she also struggled with depression after her son was born. the women in my mommy group were also very supportive as a number of them are struggling with similar issues. the house is clean which always makes for a happy home. hannah had an excellent day yesterday - the happiest i think i've ever seen her. maybe the happy drugs are working on her too? or maybe it is just that she had a happier mom.

postponed

here's my dirty little secret: i am struggling with postpartum depression.

i have suspected for a while that this was the root of a lot of issues in my life lately, and last night it was confirmed. i had a major meltdown - not my first, but the worst. i ended up sobbing in front of the bathroom sink with the counter doors open - i had cleaned out the sink the other day and found all of brian's painkillers leftover from his slipped disk. i thought i had put them under the sink but realized later that they went into the hall closet with the other leftover meds. (random aside: what do you do with all that stuff anyways, since you're not supposed to throw it in the trash or flush them? sell them on the street?) hannah was screaming and i thought about people who smother their babies with pillows. i thought, if i had to chose between her and brian right then, i would chose brian in a heartbeat. i thought, i am afraid of myself. then i left hannah with brian, got in my car, and drove to the emergency room where they confirmed that yes indeed it does sound like we are dealing with postpartum depression.

i had an intake appointment with a therapist this morning who confirmed that yes indeed, postpartum depression. if we can swing the $90 co-pays, i am to be enrolled in an intensive outpatient program. either way, it is likely that i will be prescribed meds. brian is not keen on meds especially since i am still breastfeeding, and both the psychologist at the hospital last night and the intake psychologist this morning were very keen on weaning. i understand everyone's cocnerns, but the research seems to indicate that it's safe to breastfeeding while on antidepressants (with a few specific exceptions). in this aspect i am not getting a lot of support which is extremely frustrating. brian is against meds in general, but that obviously isn't working since everything is getting worse. breastfeeding is important to me and helps me bond with hannah - i feel like i am doing something good for her when she nurses. i don't want to give that up and i don't think i should have to. lots of women are on antidepressants while they are pregnant even. [exhibit a: heather armstrong.] there are so many different antidepressants out there - surely we can come up with one and tailor the dosage low enough that i can continue to breastfeed.

i was concerned about this while i was pregnant. looking back, i have probably been mildly depressed for years, and being pregnant and then having a baby likely exacerbated everything. this is one time where i wish i wasn't right.

i want to enjoy my baby. i love her, i really do. i know i wouldn't ever hurt her. it's just that i feel so removed from her and some days, i really don't want her. that makes me feel so sad (and so guilty, and so angry), especially because she is so very wonderful and because i'm lucky enough to get to stay home with her that i should at least be enjoying it. i want to enjoy my husband, and my life. brian often points out how i am living my dream, and he's right - i am married to a wonderful man, i have a beautiful happy healthy baby, we live in a lovely house, i am a stay-at-home mom for my daughter, and i am starting my own business. i have everything that i've always wanted, and now i want to enjoy it.

edited: i'm not looking for sympathy or pity or anything like that. that's not why i posted this. i posted this because on a daily basis it is overwhelming to even try to comprehend what needs to be done just to survive. i dread waking up in the morning because the entire day stretches out in front of me and it just seems endless. i'm exhausted. that's all.

love letters: month seven

dear hannah,

today you are seven months old. seven months! we are more than halfway through a year now. a friend asked me the other day what was essential for me the first few weeks of your life, and i have to say i don't remember so much other than surviving and trying to figure out nursing. there was a teeny little baby at our mommy group yesterday, only 3 weeks old, and i held her and she was so light and small and tiny and precious and delicate. i can't believe you were once that small. the baby you have become has eclipsed the baby you were, and now all i can remember and think about is the wonderful girl you are now.


the holidays are upon us, full steam ahead, which means you had your first thanksgiving this past month. thank goodness you won't remember it because there was really nothing to remember. daddy worked (so he can take extra days off around christmas) and nana decided not to come up since we were going to see her in tahoe in a few days. so you and i just hung out all day, and then daddy brought home dinner from work and you tried turkey for the first time. you did NOT like it and gagged a couple times, and this is awful of me to say, but it is so stinking cute when you gag and your little tongue comes out.


that's your new favorite thing, by the way, your tongue. you stick it out the corner of your mouth all the time, as if you are concentrating really hard. it's so cute and sweet and i have no idea why you do it. you seem to do it most when you are happy, which you are a LOT. daddy and i always comment on what a happy baby you are. you are happy and content pretty much all the time, except when you are teething. you cut your two bottom teeth this month, both at the same time, and OY, your teething has been kicking my butt. wow. of course, you're not interested in the mesh teethers with ice in them or chewing on a frozen washcloth. you do like to chew on your fridge teethers, but only for a little while. you hate baby orajel and it is all i can do to keep you from spitting out teething tablets. tylenol, though. WOW. you think that stuff is candy.


we spent a week up at lake tahoe this month and you had your first taste of snow. well, you didn't actually taste it - you weren't that interested. i think you did not appreciate the cold, though. one morning daddy and i went tubing on the snow, and we switched off holding you so the other could tube. when i put you on a breeze came up and you screamed and screamed and screamed some more. i had you facing in to me and your little cheeks were so red, so i unzipped my fleece so you could be face in to me and draped my scarf around your head so you would be protected from the wind, and you fell asleep with your cold little nose pressed against my chest.


we also rode the cable car up to high camp and went ice skating up there, and your daddy wore you in the baby bjorn for the first time. i think maybe he thought it was a chick thing to do, wear one's baby, but once he saw how much you love being in the baby bjorn - not just being in the baby bjorn on mama - he fell in love with it too. after that i couldn't get you off of him, which was fine for you because you just adore him. i think the other thing that convinced your father to wear you was that his options were that or carry the diaper bag, which is really just an oversized handbag and VERY chick-ish.


we went sledding - even your nana sledded, she who is not adventurous! we even took you sledding, crazy parents that we are. we do a lot of "crazy" things like that that probably some people would say are irresponsible, but we are always careful to protect you. we went on a small hill and went pretty slowly for you and always kept our feet out so we could stop any time we needed to. you were pretty uninterested. i think maybe you just didn't know how you were supposed to react. is this supposed to be fun? and then - i sat you on the snow, and daddy came sledding down the hill, and you looked up to watch him. he sledded straight towards you and came to a stop behind you, and you freaked out and started screaming - and we laughed. i'm sorry, but it was funny. having a baby is a lot of fun.


i am constantly amazed too by how much you learn every month and how much you are growing. just this last week you have figured out how to play a repeating game with us, where you babble something and we make the same noise back to you. the first couple times you were kind of surprised that we did it, and then you figured it out. we do wonder if we're tormenting you by mimicking back "mama, i'm hungry," or "i'm lonely back here and i want to get out of this car seat, i hate it," but it's too much fun not to play. now this is what i have been waiting for with you - to play games and watch you learn and grow. you're amazing, sweetheart.


i love you, my banana.
love,
mama

baby food!

whyohwhyohwhy did i wait so long to make baby food? THIS STUFF IS AWESOME. for her, i mean. but maybe also for me? could be, her applesauce is DAMN good.

i guess i was just lazy, that is the only conceivable reason i can see why people would actually buy baby food instead of making their own. since it isn't really that difficult and it is more inconvenient to go to the supermarket every time the baby needs food and Lord knows it is insanely cheaper to make it. i did want those little plastic lidded containers that the gerber baby foods come in and all things considered i'm glad i have them.

i made carrots and applesauce yesterday, butternut squash (hannah's favorite!) and turkey today. i'm planning on doing some broccoli and green beans later today, but all the ice cube trays are full right now. carrots i steamed into oblivion on the stove - i usually do mine to crsip-tender, about 8 minutes, but hers i did for 25 so they would be soft enough to puree up nicely. apples i peeled, cored, and sliced (just like for apple crisp), covered with plastic wrap and stuck in the microwave for 2 minutes per apple with about a teaspoon of water per apple. butternut squash i also did in the microwave for about 12 minutes under plastic wrap. the turkey was leftover from dinner the other night. then i just stuck them in the food processor until they were nicely pureed. the applesauce i did add about a teaspoon of lemon juice (for 3 apples) to keep them from discoloring, and the turkey needed a good bit of breastmilk to make a decent puree because it gets so dry in the refrigerator. then i just spooned the puree into ice cube trays, froze them, and then popped them out into little bags. i figure one cube is about what she eats for breakfast and about half of what she eats at night.

there's no extra crap in them, not even the water that gerber adds to thin out their puree. just plain old goodness. how awesome is that? i figure too, that if for some reason we don't get through the food i make for her - if she's decides she's allergic to something or refuses to eat something and i can't trick her into opening her mouth - it's just fruit and vegetable puree. i can add it to meatloaf, soup, smoothies, pasta sauce.

i am so wicked excited by this. it's kind of eyebrow-raising to see me. i'm on a bit of a tear. maybe because we will be making another big milk donation in the next day or so and i'm feeling like my freezer won't be full enough?

a friend told me that you're not supposed to freeze baby food in uncovered ice cube trays because the nutrients escape. it would be just my luck if this were true, especially since i don't believe it. how do they escape? do the vitamins evaporate? do they grow legs and walk away?

education

brian has taken to "teaching" hannah. he is convinced that her first word needs to be "dada." to that end, i overheard him the other day:

"daddy says, da da da da da. woody says, meow meow meow meow meow. hannah says, wah wah wah wah wah. nana says, na na na na na. mama says, blah blah blah blah blah."

i might consider being insulted if it wasn't so. damn. cute.

happy thanksgiving!

brian and i are thankful for so many things this year and our beautiful banana is at the top of that list. we hope you have a wonderful holiday!

diaper sprayer tutorial

if you are going to use cloth diapers, you'll eventually want a diaper sprayer. once we started hannah on solids, her bowel movements got a bit firmer and i did not want to put that in my washer. swishing in the toilet got very old very quickly, so i built myself a diaper sprayer. it was insanely easy, and i am so ridiculously proud of myself. a friend had suggested i could make my own very inexpensively. it cost me about $25 to make; apparently you can buy them for about twice the price and i'm thinking the only difference is that those might look a little more streamlined.


this one is from pottypail.com. it retails for $34 plus $6 s&h and you still have to do some assembly/installation. mine was cheaper and required minimal additional effort.

i actually did not use jaimey's instructions, i just could not understand them. sorry jaimey! the general idea is about the same though (i think) and there is a great video tutorial here. first, shut off the water at the main valve behind the toilet, and flush the toilet once or twice to drain the tank. then disconnect the supply line from the tank and the water pipe. you will need a flexible supply line to install your diaper sprayer; you might have to look for a toilet in your home that has a flexible line. i put ours in the upstairs bathroom closest to hannah's room.

you will need two 3/8" barb adapters; one 3/8" x 3/8" x 3/8" tee barb connector; five 1/4" - 5/8" hose clamps; one kitchen sprayer assembly; and one ball valve. the ball valve should be either 1/4" or 3/8", depending on the size of the threaded end (MIP) of the barb adapters. i got 1/4" because the 3/8" valve looked bulkier. also, you may want to measure your toilet supply line to be sure that you don't need a 1/2" tee barb connector, but apparently only about 5% of homes in america have 1/2" connectors.

you will also need a hacksaw or a small hand saw, a couple monkey wrenches or a set of crescent wrenches, a screwdriver for the hose clamps (usually flathead), and some teflon tape. you might also want a hook to hang the sprayer on the wall; i just used a large cup hook that i bent a bit more open with a pair of pliers. i thought about taking pictures while i was making this, but i was so excited to get it done that i just did it.

using a hacksaw, cut the supply line in half. cut the fitting end off the kitchen sprayer assembly as close as possible to the fitting (you want as much tubing as possible), and then cut the tubing again about six inches down from the spray nozzle. you will end up with a spray nozzle with a short bit of tubing attached, and a long piece of tubing with nothing on either end.

slide a loosened hose clamp onto one of the supply line pieces, then work one end of the tee barb into the hose. do the same for the other side of the supply line and tighten the clamps with the screwdriver.

wrap the threaded ends of the barb adapters with teflon tape, then slide a loosened hose clamp onto the tubing attached to the spray nozzle. work the barb end of one adapter into the tubing, then tighten the clamp. do the same for one end of the rest of the tubing, then slide a hose clamp onto the other end, work it onto the third end of the tee barb, and tighten the clamp.

screw one end of the ball valve onto one of the threaded ends of the barb adapters in the sprayer tubing and tighten with the wrenches. you will need two wrenches, one to hold the tubing and one to tighten the valve. do the same to connect the other end of the ball valve to the sprayer tubing.

now your assembly is complete and you just need to reinstall your jury-rigged supply line back onto the water line and the toilet tank.


turn the water back on a little and open the valve, then spray the sprayer. you will probably need to play with the valve to see how much water pressure you need to spray your diapers.

the purpose of the ball valve is to prevent constant water pressue on the kitchen sprayer. the sprayer is just plastic and i did not want anything in the sprayer to fail and cause a flood. when the red lever is sticking out, the valve is closed; i just line up the lever with the tubing to open the valve and "turn on" the sprayer.



you can see i just screwed that mug hook into the wall to hold the sprayer. apparently this is also good for rinsing kiddos while they are taking a bath, though the water is not heated so i don't see why you'd want to spray your kids with freezing cold water. personally i think this will also be awesome for spraying down the tub/shower when i'm cleaning it.

all total this project took me about twenty minutes from start to finish.

i know it isn't a huge thing, building and installing this sprayer, but if you would like to come to my house and marvel at my handiwork you're more than welcome to!!

update: i used it for the first time last week and it works GREAT!! yay! also, i was thinking - this is a very easy thing to take with you if you move. just shut off the water to the toilet, take off the jury-rigged supply line/sprayer assembly, and reinstall a new (uncut) supply line. you could also easily install one in an apartment, just like you would your favorite showerhead.

cross-posted at éireann

babyproofing

for some reason i am inordinately proud of these:


that's my soaping cabinet. it's next to my refrigerator in the kitchen, a lower cabinet. it contains all the soaping supplies i use on a regular basis - herbs, colorants, oils, soap scraps. tools that could hurt The Kiddo. glass bottles that could break. essential oils and fragrance oils that could be fatal if ingested. sodium hydroxide - LYE - that will destroy her skin if she touches it. we have latches for all our cabinet drawers and lower doors, but i wanted something sturdier for the soaping cabinet. something with a key.

those are just cabinet locks that i picked up in the latches section of home depot, the same area where you would find those little locks that go on window frames. they have a flat or offset piece in the back that swings across the cabinet frame, blocking the door, and they are pretty darn strong. the same kind of thing you'd find on a filing cabinet in your office. for some reason i was a bit put off by this project but decided to just dive in and do it, and it ended up being very simple. i traced the frame on the back of the door (so i knew where the frame hit the door) and then marked where i wanted the lock. i drilled a hole the size of the lock completely through the door, then diassembled the lock, fit it into the hole, and reassembled it in the hole. the concept is the same as installing a new door handle.

also, i should have checked but ended up completely lucking out - the locks are sold individually but the two i grabbed off the rack ended up taking the same key. the package does note on the back which key they use (ours was something like # 21233). i don't know why i didn't think to make sure when i bought them because it would have been a massive pain in the butt if i had to use one key to get into the left side and a different key to get into the right side.

cross-posted at éireann

sleep training

ugh, i hate that phrase. it makes it sound like my baby is a dog or something. don't worry, we'll housebreak her soon.

we were not even going to be here or do this. we hit the four-month mark and that awful four-month sleep regression, and we decided we could handle this. mostly *i* could handle this, because i was working only part-time (and for the last month, not at all) and brian has to be on top of his game every day, often 12 hours a day, sometimes 6 days a week. we started co-sleeping part-time - hannah would nurse to sleep and then go in her crib, and when she woke up screaming and hungry because i hadn't fed her in about six years, i would get up and get into bed with her. i'd nurse her back to sleep and we'd sleep there together. i read dr sears' baby sleep book which was so on target with our feelings, and thought, we can do this! sleep is not an issue! she is only a tiny baby, and she has needs, and we will do what we can to fulfill those needs. it will not be like this forever and we will cherish it while we can. sleep will come and we will not push it before she is ready.

yeah. about that.

it was kind of the perfect storm that pushed us to start sleep teaching. (doesn't that sound nicer than "sleep training?") brian was VERY uncomfortable co-sleeping, so hannah and i would sleep together on an air mattress on the floor of her room. this worked very nicely on a lot of levels: we could co-sleep but brian could still get a good night's sleep. her fussing in the middle of the night did not disturb him. his alarm and morning noise (and he is NOT quiet in the morning) did not disturb us. i wasn't sleeping with one ear cocked for the sound of her cries, because she was right there with me.

but an air mattress is only comfortable for short periods of time, and after about 6 weeks your back really starts to hurt. also, your baby gets used to nursing in the middle of the night even though she probably shouldn't need to. after a while, the achiness from the air mattress and the constant nursing and in-her-sleep fussing keeps mama awake more than she gets to sleep.

so here we are. last night was her first night of her new routine: we had some dinner (carrots) and then some nursing. then we said goodnight to daddy and went upstairs for our bath. we got changed into our jammies and read a couple stories, and then she went into her crib with her chewie and her doll gracie. i said goodnight, i love you, turned out the light and closed the door. (well, it was about 6 inches open.)

she cried for about five minutes. i thought about going in there a la ferber method - a girlfriend's pedi suggested that unlike ferber, it's okay to pick them up and comfort them - but decided to see what happened. after about five minutes of crying, she settled down into poor-pathetic-me whiny fussing for about ten minutes and then fell asleep, and mama got to watch the office in peace. hopefully we will be able to repeat that performance tonight.

we have also been trying to let her cry when she wakes up in the middle of the night, which is not really working... she usually cries for a couple minutes and then when i can see she is NOT going to self-soothe back to sleep, i go in and nurse back to sleep. she initially eats like she's a starving child in africa but then pretty quickly drops back to sleep. i'm not sure how to combat that. a couple nights ago she slept entirely through the night, but that was only once in the past five or six days since we have stopped co-sleeping. do i just let her fuss and cry, at 230a? or do i continue to nurse her back to sleep? i know most [unweaned] babies don't drop that last nighttime feeding until they are a year or so old, but does that refer to the evening "before bed" feeding or this middle-of-the-night feeding?

i will be so thankful when we are through with this stage, and yet it was sad for me to put her to sleep without nursing. just one more way she is growing up and becoming less of a baby.

love letters: month six

dear hannah,

six months!! you are six months old!!

it is almost thanksgiving, and you are six months old. where has all this time gone? your father and i cannot believe you are already six months old, and yet it feels like we have been doing this for EVER, (six months? that's IT?) and we cannot imagine our life without you.


you have become HUGE this past month - you are 27 inches long and outgrew your baby carseat. two weeks ago we purchased a new one for you and it is this behemoth thing tethered to the backseat of my car. at first you looked so teeny in it, like when we brought you home from the hospital and you were swimming in your sleeper and i felt like the straps of the carseat were too long to hold you in tight enough, even tightened all the way up. now - either i'm used to you in the new carseat or you've just exploded in size, because you don't seem so small in it anymore. you weigh almost 18 pounds too, which is SO FUN when i have to contort my body to get you in and out of that darn carseat when we go to the store.


you started rolling over in earnest this month, allaying my fears regarding your tendencies toward sociopathology, and suddenly you are MOBILE and everywhere. within a week you figured out how to roll from your back to your belly AND how to get up on your knees, though not how to do anything when you are up on those knees. you CAN scooch backwards, which happens unintentionally, and you end up wedged underneath the coffee table or the sofa or the tv unit with your bottom pushed up against whatever edge is there. sometimes you end up against the fireplace hearth, and you push forward off it and then slide backwards, over and over, crawling in place. just this past week you really got the hang of rolling from your belly to your back (though you don't really like to and still break down crying when you've had enough on your tummy) and have started to figure out that there are interesting things out there and you can get to them by rolling. your father and i figure we have about 7 more hours to babyproof the house before you get into everything.


every month you become a little more vocal, and last night your father swore you said "dada" though i think he's delusional because OF COURSE you'd say "mama" first. after all the times i wipe your bottom, it's the least you can do for me. RIGHT? we had a barbecue with all the mommies and daddies from our mommy & me group this past month and your father thought you were the most talkative baby in the group. he also thought you were the prettiest, which of course you were, but we don't say that out loud because it might make the other babies feel bad and give you a big head. last week you were playing with your friend kyle at mommy group, and all he wanted to do was touch you and grab at your hands, and you just kept on talking at him. he didn't say anything, so you talked more and louder, just like a girl. daddy says you're JUST LIKE YOUR MAMA, isn't that nice of him.


your first halloween was this month, and we all dressed up as pumpkins, a jack-o-family. next year we'll do something more creative, this year i was a bit low on energy and creativity and the creative ideas came a little late. nana came out to spend the weekend with us and you just loved answering the door with her and seeing all the people there. you also loved visiting the neighbors when we dropped off goodie bags for them. we also went to the pumpkin patch with mommy group, and to a halloween lunch where we borrowed your friend lexi's banana costume to take a picture. now why didn't we think to dress you up as a banana? i told you, all the creativity came a bit late.


you and i went to the zoo for the first time this month too, which i think you enjoyed. really, these outings are more for the mommies than the babies at this point, but you were very interested in the flamingos (until we tried to take your picture, of course - then you were more interested in your sunglasses). they were noisy and smelly and bright and moved around a lot and very fun to watch. in stark contrast to my favorite, the lemurs, who were very lazy and quiet that day and just sat there doing nothing and you got bored very quickly with that.

with your buddy lexi at the pumpkin patch. you were the cutest punkin ever!

you also started eating solids this month, much to my chagrin, because babies don't eat solids - big girls do but not babies - and i wanted you to stay my baby for as long as possible. but your pediatrician said you needed to have started them by 6 months, so here we are. you love squash and green beans and carrots, but you hate rice cereal, and you hate bananas only marginally less than rice cereal. we're still trying on the bananas, though every time i shove some in your mouth you look at me as if you're this horribly abused child and i must hate you on some level.


your personality has exploded this month - not that you didn't have one before, but it's become much more apparent now. you have OPINIONS and you are not afraid to let us know them. you actually spit some bananas at me the other day. you let us know when you are tired of being in the high chair, or want to be held, and it's very obvious when you're sleepy and need a nap. what a wonder a little sleep does for you - you turn back into my wonderful little ray of sunshine. you wake up and grin this huge happy grin when you see your father and me, as if say YOU! IT'S YOU! AGAIN! MY FAVORITE! i hope you'll always be like this, excited to see us, because we are always excited to see you.


okay, now this is my favorite picture of you ever. you love that little chewie, and even though i swore i'd never put you in little headbands (and we don't ever wear them), you look so sweet and girly in this one. you just get more beautiful every day.

i love you, banana.
love,
mama

hannah recommends: crinkle squares!

just so you know, this is not exactly a shameless plug for my etsy shop. there's nothing new under the sun - a friend's baby had one, and i was intrigued by it. [so, they ARE out there to buy commercially - i don't know where or what they're called, but they're there.] her daughter loved it, and i figured i could make it pretty easily. i made a "test" one for hannah and she ADORES it.


i've posted about these on my facebook page, and a couple baby-less friends asked what they were. a crinkle square is simply two pieces of fabric sewn together with a crinkly middle. i usually use two layers of cellophane though i did initially purchase "crinkle material." cellophane seems to work just fine - it does melt under intense direct heat, so i do have to be careful when pressing them, but i wash hannah's in hot water and dry in the dryer on high heat and the square is fine. on one side i use plain cotton in a cute print, and on the reverse i use some sort of interesting textured fabric for tactile interest.


hannah has two though i've been selling them as a set of 3 which is cheaper than buying them individually. she has a cute one with pink flowers and brown corduroy on the back which she's kind of meh about. i think she's not keen on the corduroy, though another friend's son LOVES his corduroy one. the one in the photo above is the "test" one i made with her butterfly fabric and some plush minky that my mother had sent up for a changing pad cover. that plushie square is one of her absolute favorite toys so far. it's soft and feels kind of like a burpie (which she also loves). she can stuff it in her mouth (but not choke on it thank heavens) and squish it and best of all IT MAKES NOISE. thank the Lord it does not make annoying noise like some of her toys. she can happily play with her crinkle square for 20 or 30 minutes straight, and i don't go insane after 10 seconds of listening to it.

get them here! i was thinking too, they would make a great baby gift.

who ever heard of a kid who DIDN'T like sugar.

and so it begins, the end of hannah's babyhood. (actually, every little milestone to me is another little bit of the end of her babyhood.) dum dah dum dum: solids!

which is such a joke, right? i mean, if her food were ACTUALLY solid, it might stay in her mouth, instead of dribble out the corners and get smeared all over her eyebrows.

we started with rice cereal two weeks ago: no luck, she hates it. i've heard this is typical, not that i exactly see why, i mixed it with breastmilk, her favorite - and i even tried it, and it was not so bad. better than oatmeal in my humble opinion, not that MY opinion matters much because it's not going into MY mouth. she did not like it thick, she did not like it thin, she did not like it in-between. we have tried multiple times since introducing other foods and she still grimaces as if she is eating poo.

bananas, i thought! bananas will be better! so sweet and sugary, who can resist a banana. (well, me - i don't like bananas personally, but still. it's not going into MY mouth.) i've heard it takes about ten tastes to start to actually develop a liking for a food, but after about the fifteenth try she still looks at me like, "really, mama? bananas? why do you hate me?" and spits them out.

and yes, i've heard the trick where you hold the spoon in the baby's mouth, on top of her tongue, so she learns to eat off the spoon. every time we do that she pulls her tongue back and gags herself and we end up in a screaming fit, which is not a pleasant way to conduct feedings, so we're skipping that part for the moment. could my baby be a bit of a drama queen? NOT OUTSIDE THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY.

speaking of poo, WOW, her diapers. i thought they were bad before, when we hit about the 4-month mark, but those were butterflies and rainbows compared to these diapers. WHOA NELLY, girl can poop.

all things considered, bananas were hated less than rice cereal, and squash was hated even less than bananas. i think she actually kind of liked the squash. so far green beans seem to be successful also. maybe my daughter will be a vegetarian with no sweet tooth? one can only hope.

update: because her poop is more solid now and no longer as washable as breastfeeding poop, i made a diaper sprayer so i don't have to swish her soakers in the toilet bowl. it was very easy and inexpensive. see my tutorial here.

the countdown begins

as of today, i have exactly six more working days left until i become a stay-at-home mom!

i've kept this a bit under wraps because i did not notify my job until just this past friday (the official two weeks). my hours were given to a girl hired during my maternity leave and my boss refused to restore them. i work for a small business, so technically he is within the letter of the law (even the very strict california law), even though in my humble opinion that's a f&#^ed up stunt to pull. part-time rates are not available at the daycare in which we chose to place hannah [prior to notification that my hours were cut], so working 16 hours a week was netting us approximately $600 per month after all was said and done. so we chose to take the plunge and become a single-income family.

this is exciting and scary all at the same time. i'm thrilled to be able to take care of my daughter full-time, and not have to leave her with someone else to experience all of her cuteness and sweetness and life. brian feels less anxious because she will be with me instead of in daycare (he was very concerned about daycare in general, even though our place is GREAT).

but... i've never not worked. at least, not since i was 16, save the four weeks i took off when i got married and the four months i took off earlier this year when hannah was born. i've never not contributed a paycheck to our household - even when i was on leave this summer, i still received disability and pfl checks that went into our bank account. i worry about depending solely on brian's income, and i worry about my ability to budget properly for household expenses. i worry that i will end up resenting my husband, who works a very high-stress job with long, unpredictable hours, when he comes home from work and [rightly] relaxes in front of the television while i am at my wit's end trying to get dinner ready with a cranky, fussy baby who has been cranky and fussy all day long.

i know some of you who read this are or have been sahms yourselves... how do you handle these fears? any words of advice for me? i know my situation is not unique, but it is very new to me.

love letters: month five

dear hannah,

banana! you are five months old today!

i think i will always use exclamation points when i tell you how old you are, because not only is it exciting for you, but i just can't believe it. and finally, FINALLY, we are getting into the swing of things. okay, maybe we were in the swing of things a month or so ago, but still. it feels like it has taken five months to get this mothering thing figured out, sort of. now don't you go growing or changing on me anytime soon. you've gotta give me a chance to get used to this.


your grandfather visited, and we went out for pizza and gelato. i caught him giving you some, even though we have not started you on solids yet. obviously, you like chocolate gelato.

it seems like every month you are growing by leaps and bounds. you have continued your vocal explorations this month and are regularly squealing, babbling, cooing, and laughing. you have the sweetest giggle, all throaty from way down deep in your belly, and you love to grin with your mouth open wide and your nose all squinched up, as if you are SUPER! EXCITED! BY WHATEVER IT IS I'M DOING! you love shrieking, which your father worries is not normal. i just remind him that apparently, we are raising a pterodactyl, but not worry, you'll turn out fine.


you had your second round of immunizations this month, which of course you hated, and i'm really sorry to break it to you, but your 6-month boosters are scheduled for your 6-month birthday. if it makes you feel any better, i had to get my flu shot this month, and i'm still alive. you were in a great mood for the doctor which was a relief as you screamed through your two-month appointment and i was afraid she'd think i was a horrible parent. you are in the 95th percentile for height, which i guess is what i get for marrying a giant like your father. you've already outgrown your carseat.


you continue to be insanely interested in toys and can spend over an hour rolling around on the ground under your activity gym, tugging on the stuffies and making it sing. however, you're not hugely interested in rolling over. you did it a number of times a couple months ago but since then you've been kind of meh about it. you're perfectly happy to roll on your side, but you've only rolled onto your belly from your back once. when we do tummy time, you haven't figured out that you can roll from your belly to your back to end it, so when you get tired of tummy time you just lay there on the ground with your face planted into the blanket and cry. i'm a little worried that you might grow up to be a serial killer WHO KNOWS IT COULD HAPPEN if you don't start rolling regularly soon, but your pediatrician says not to worry.


however, you LOVE the crinkle square i made you, and you LOVE your rattles. anything that makes noise - you're all over it. you stand in front of me and just wave that rattle around. the other day at mommy group you kept whacking yourself in the head with it, but you didn't care. you just had this huge grin on your face, as if it were the best thing in the world. you are such a sunny, happy baby - everything that i had hoped for. you greet every day with a huge smile, because you are just SO! EXCITED! BY LIFE! AND LIVING!


i gave notice at my job two days ago, so in two weeks my only jobs will be to be your mommy and to be daddy's wife. no more daycare for you! it's kind of a strange feeling right now, and kind of surreal. i've never not had a job, never not contributed financially to the household. but in two weeks, i'll have the best job ever - i get to be your mommy, all the time.

i love you, my banana.
love,
mama

hannah's mom

the other day when i picked The Kiddo up from daycare, one of the older kids patted me on the hip in that sweet way kids do and told me how she played with hannah that day and hannah smiled at her, she made hannah happy. the girl addressed me as "hannah's mom, hannah's mom." i'm no longer erin, or brian's wife, or even mrs. stensler. i'm just "hannah's mom."

it's taken me some time to grow into my new role and to learn to enjoy being hannah's mom. i didn't at first. sure, i loved my baby, no doubt, but we weren't in love. others have likened having a baby to falling in love all over again, which is an apt analogy, except that for me, it takes time to fall in love. i'm not one of those fairy-tale love-at-first-sight people. and hannah was sure a cute newborn, but it wasn't love at first sight. there were more than a couple nights, expecially that first month, that i cried to brian how i didn't want this, didn't want this life, wanted my old life back, the life we had before we even thought about getting pregnant.

now, almost five months later, i can say that i am in love with my baby and mean it completely. i love being hannah's mom. i love waking up in the morning and finding her little face two inches from my own, eyes wide open with a big grin the moment she sees i'm awake. i love how she falls asleep next to me when nursing in the middle of the night and snuggles into my body. i love that just being picked up and held by mama can (usually) quiet even the most frantic, distressed cries. i love that she recognizes when i sing "you are my sunshine," and quiets down to listen to me singing to her, and smiles up at me from my arms. i love how she reaches her little hand out to pull me to her when she wants to nurse. i love how she isn't too sure about grass when we lay on the lawn and look at the clouds, but she watches me and as long as i'm okay with it, she is too. i love how she rolls her eyes back in her head, grabs my hair and giggles when i nom on her belly. i love cuddling her, kissing her, showing her new things, watching her learn and grown and smile.

i love being hannah's mom.