this is what my life is reduced to.

waiting. just... waiting.

i gave myself a pedicure this morning, an effort that involved much bending and huffing and contortions of the legs and torso. sounds a lot more sexy than it really was, trust me. given how swollen my feet are, i think this is a bit like putting lipstick on a pig, but.

in the meantime, we sit around and wait.

we are at: 39 weeks 5 days.

baby watch: 5 days left

i think i'm ready to meet this kiddo. if only to get rid of the interstate road map of veins that is my entire body.


this afternoon doc said baby had dropped a tiny bit, maybe 1 cm, and i was approximately 50% effaced. so: i could go into labor this weekend, or not for another two weeks. she's not concerned as baby seems healthy (nice strong heartbeat and still moving just as furiously as ever) and i'm healthy, so i'm not concerned. at this moment she's willing to let me go a full two weeks past my due date, which would be may 25 before she would recommend induction.

in other news, i am apparently not completely insane for thinking my feet are hugely and grotesquely swollen. my legs are as well and doc said my swelling is some of the worst she has seen. yay! she commented that she was impressed that i had not really complained about it. i haven't to her, because what can she do? although i did ask the nurse last time if maybe she could just lance them, like a blister or something?

we are at: 39 weeks 2 days.

nesting like nobody's business

and the nursery is FINALLY done! well, except for one piece of artwork, but that can certainly wait. i love her room:









this is what i did for my birthday: hung the shelf over her dresser, painted and assembled the shelves in her closet, set up the pack & play downstairs, and cooked like a madwoman. i also did laundry and some light cleaning, the usual weekend chores. my coworkers also took me out to lunch on friday and brian took me to lunch on saturday. we are both pretty beat lately, him from work and me from being pregnant, that neither one of us had the energy to make a big to-do for my birthday. i didn't really mind because of all those things that were nagging at me to get done before the kiddo arrives, and i'm generally happiest working on a project or six. thank heavens for this manic nesting energy or nothing would be done.

my freezer is also (i hope) fully stocked for the next few weeks. brian does not cook at all and while he can happily eat fast food and take-out for every meal, i would prefer something healthier and home-cooked. now in my freezer there are currently three turkey dinners (turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, and vegetables), six turkey pot pies, three bacon & leek quiches, two lasagnas (including a vegetarian one in case kiddo is here when my sister comes over), and one dish of stuffed shells. this is in addition to our usual assortment of chicken, ham, steak, fish, and frozen vegetables that i can pull out and thaw at a moment's notice. my mother told me that when i was born, she and my father ate from their freezer for six weeks. dad only had to go to the store for milk and lettuce. six weeks is a lot to live up to, i don't know if we will make it that far, but i'm trying. so now all brian has to do is take something out of the freezer in the morning, leave it to defrost, and stick it in the oven. i even wrote instructions on the labels.

i'm sure i could find more to do, but i think i'm going to go put my feet up with a good book or watch a movie. besides, brian is bringing me home a baskin robbins milkshake and i don't want to miss that.

we are at: 38 weeks 6 days.

cross-posted at éireann

HECK. i am not ready for this.

today's appointment at the doctor was another quick one. brian has been amazed at how quick they are lately, but they are just brief checkups. yes, i am still pregnant. yes, kiddo is still head-down with a good strong heartbeat. nope, not dilated yet BUT apparently things are changing (softening) enough that doc said i may not make it to next wednesday's appointment.

SAY WHAT?

if i do make it that far, we'll just schedule another appointment for the following week, but i might not make it that far.

EXCUSE ME?

i am not ready to have this kid yet. i have too much to do. the shelves for her closet still need to be painted. i still need to get brackets so i can hang the shelf on the wall above her dresser. i have cooking to do and a freezer to stock. i need time to just put my feet up and rest with a good book that i know i will not be able to finish once she arrives.

i called brian to let him know how things went:

brian: you're out of there already? what did she say?

me: everything is fine, she is still healthy and head-down. she also said i might not make it to my appointment next week.

brian: why not?

me: because of how my body is changing, she is getting ready to be born.

brian: but why does that mean you might not go to the appointment? is the doctor not going to be there or something? why wouldn't you go?

me: BECAUSE WE MIGHT HAVE A BABY BEFORE THEN.

brian: no! we can't have a baby yet! i haven't slept in a month!

me: honey, i haven't slept in FOUR months.

we are at: 38 weeks 3 days.

for those of you who said i looked so sad last week

don't forget to enter my green birthday giveaway! you have until 8pm pdt on wednesday, april 29, 2009. it's awesome, and who doesn't like free?

i'm happy! so happy! just thrilled to be as big as my house!



just as soon as i think i've adjusted to some new part of pregnancy, everything changes and i feel like i have to relearn my life. i'm (finally) figuring out how to get a decent night's sleep in between waking up every two hours, but then kiddo will be here and all that will go out the window, i'm sure.

i wonder if she realizes her lease is up in two weeks. i am not sure i am ready for that. i am certainly ready to be done with being pregnant, but that's completely separate from being ready to have a child. and the amount of crap that still needs to be done before she gets here! it's a good thing nature gives us this nesting instinct, because i don't know where else i'd come up with all this manic energy.

we are at: 38 weeks.

37 weeks = full term

according to my doctor, i WILL get even larger. wonderful!


i know now why the third trimester is the dreaded one. what you can't see in this photo, thank god, is how swollen and hot and uncomfortable the rest of my body is. my wedding ring is on a chain around my neck as i cannot get it on anymore in this heat. you also cannot see how unbalanced i still am. brian discovered that this weekend after i burst into tears after one too many comments about my cankles. it's okay for me to make fun of me, but not him! he deals with stress and tension by cracking jokes... i think this whole pregnancy thing (and what it is doing to my body) is weirding him out as much as it is me.

in other news, the dresser finally arrived! and we have knobs! i had been searching for knobs for quite a while and had not been able to find anything that we could both agree on. in the end we put on our creative aprons, got out some acrylic paint, and painted plain wooden knobs:


i love them. they are so sweet, and go with her room, and were made special for kiddo with love by her mom and dad. i love love love them. and they look so pretty on her beautiful dresser:


we still have to get a changing pad and a diaper pail (the dresser will double as a changing table). i did an unbelieveable amount of laundry this weekend and now all those drawers are full of teeny sweet kiddo things.

at this point kiddo can come at any time and be considered full term. doc says we want to get through april and then we will be happy whenever she comes. due date is may 11 and at the moment (uncomfortable and all) i would like her to be later than that, just so i can have the extra time to rest.

we are at: 37 weeks.

wherein boobs are discussed, but not at great length.

weekly checkup was today, very quick. kiddo's heartbeat is a nice strong 140 beats per minute and my blood pressure is fine.

brian has been bugging me lately to get the hospital bag packed. he asked me last night, do you want to bring a deck of cards with us? i said, do you honestly think we'll have time to play cards? he said, i might be bored. i said, i think will be keeping you pretty busy with the whole BIRTHING A BABY thing.

we (possibly just me) have a breastfeeding class tonight. this morning at the doctor they had me fill out a quick little questionnaire about my boobs in general and breastfeeding in particular. since i've never had a kiddo it was pretty easy, lots of no's. the very first question kind of threw me, though: have your breasts changed size since you became pregnant? of course they have. they are monsters attached to my chest, rivaled only in size by my stomach. there was a box to check to say "increased in size" or a box to say "stayed the same." WHOSE BOOBS STAY THE SAME SIZE DURING PREGNANCY?

negative!

my test for group b strep came back negative! no antibiotics! yay!

we are at: 35 weeks 4 days.

sweet baby showers

last weekend was my baby shower, hosted for me by my lovely best girl alice. unfortunately because she was "working" and behind the camera i think i don't have any pictures of her, unless there happen to be some on her camera or someone else's that i don't know about.

brian would not let me "travel" to san diego so alice or my mother could host a shower down there, so they came to us up here in sacramento and we had the shower at our house. when we were initially talking around dates and locations i did not think the 8 hour drive would be an issue. after all i made it in january no problem, just a regular trip. as is the case so very often, i was glad he got his way and that i did not make the drive down at 7½ months pregnant. ugh. i probably could have flown... but i hate flying.

i fell in love with the decorations for nicole balch's baby shower so we made our own baby clothesline. cheap (free!) and easy decor.


i really like how ours turned out. so sweet.

allie had the girls decorate onesies:


and bibs for hannah. the orange giants one ("i drool like my daddy") was made by brian.


though it wasn't really a co-ed shower because he had said he had no desire to be involved, brian stuck around some to see what all the fuss was about.

alice also had the girls dressing babies for time (mil and heather):


only the dresser was blindfolded, and their partner had to give them instructions. my mother, ella, and kirsten:


nichole and kelsey finished pretty quickly and won the game:


while carrie and brenda came in a pretty close second:


alice also had everyone identify baby food by a blind taste test. we tried not to pick out yucky ones when we were at the grocery store.

i don't have pictures of the gifts everyone gave us but suffice to say those ladies were overly generous, each and every one of them. there was just too much to take pictures of. and what good taste they all have as well! hannah is going to be the best dressed kid on the block, that's for sure. at least, until i have to start picking out her clothes on my own. this gift came a day or so later, from my aunt in seattle:


i could not resist posting a photo, because those little sheep booties? are called "best of chums." how sweet is that?

speaking of sweet, it was kind of a warm day so we had ice cream cake instead of regular cake. i love ice cream cake.


(we all got a kick out of seeing how the decorator drizzled "welcome baby hannah" over the roses on the cake, so you might see this one show up on cake wrecks!)

the truly best part of the shower was seeing all my girlfriends (well, most of them) and getting to spend some time with them. for pretty much all it was a bit of a drive out to our house and because of that i don't get to see them altogether that often, and i really miss them. like miss kelsey here.


i really appreciated everyone taking the time to come out and see me. (we should have parties more often!) i hope everyone had fun, because i certainly had a great time. thank you, ladies!

we are at: 35 weeks 2 days.

i wore a dress, and did my makeup, and even shaved my legs

we are now at the point where i go to the doctor once a week until kiddo comes. this morning i had to have a swab taken to test for group b strep which is a bacteria 40% of women carry in their digestive or reproductive systems. it's harmless to me but can be harmful to kiddo if she gets it during birth. the test is vastly quicker than your usual pelvic exam/pap smear but DON'T BE FOOLED LADIES, this is not as comfortable. good God. could we use anything more uncomfortable and less lubricated than a cotton swab? how about two swabs and no speculum? i mean, i'm sure it's nothing compared to what i'll go through in labor, but still.

kiddo is still happy and healthy as far as anyone can tell, nice strong heartbeat. she is also head-down, which i hear is GREAT for birthing babies. i had kind of figured she was already head-down because when she gets the hiccups i can feel it down by my left hip. apparently doc could feel the top of her head when she did the exam (and apparently i'm not dilated at all either, which is a good thing). i had no idea. i called brian and told him that he could probably feel the head also and did he want to try when he got home from work tonight? thankfully he declined because that would be too weird.

and yes, i even managed to shave my legs. which tells you how weird pregnancy is: i shaved my legs for my doctor, but i don't bother for my husband.

we are at: 35 weeks 1 day.

childbirth education, or, how to shove out that kid

this month is full of all our classes. and more doctor's appointments that i could imagine, but lots of classes. last wednesday we had a class on keeping baby safe from harm including infant cpr. there are so many ways for kiddo to get hurt/die! how did i ever make it through my own childhood? at least, the instructor reinforced what i have always felt: you take reasonable precautions and understand that while kids are going to get hurt, they are remarkably resilient. i remember when our niece ella was born and brian was terrified to hold her because he thought he might break her. we all tried to remind him that he did have to support her head but other than that she was pretty mooshy and unbreakable in his arms.

it was recommended that we babyproof our house now (outlet covers, blinds strings, et cetera) because we will be too exhausted when kiddo comes, and then by the time we get around to it she will be crawling anyways. we're supposed to do it from the ground up - lay on the floor and see what she sees. how am i supposed to lay on the floor? come on, now.

infant cpr was good to learn. i had to do cpr a couple years in a row back in high school and college, but it's been a while since that last refresher. hopefully we'll never need to use it, but i'd rather know how and never need to do it than need to and not know what to do. brian gets his cpr updated every year for his job, but i think the emphasis on infants (as opposed to seniors!) was good for him too.

we also took our birthing class yesterday. a lot of it was "review" of information we had already gotten out of our myriad books and the late pregnancy and natural childbirth classes we took last month. we spent a lot of time practicing birthing positions, relaxation, and breathing, and it was very good for me to actually actively practice those with brian. it gave me a lot of confidence in him as my labor coach... which i had previously been somewhat worried about. brian's response to stressful situations is to get all jokey to diffuse the tension, which doesn't help me at all. i feel like he isn't taking things (me) seriously when he does that. but he showed me that not only could he be jokey to help ease the stress, but he could also provide the strength and calm that i will need to get through those hard, painful contractions.

the class also reinforced my decision to birth this baby as naturally and drug-free as possible. i'm not against the idea of having stadol or an epidural if i can't endure the pain... i'd just rather avoid it if at all possible. not only is one attached to the iv drip, confined to the bed, and continuously monitored when on medication, but it can really slow things down and increases the possibility of needing other interventions like amniotomy, vacuum extraction, episiotomy, or cesarean section. NO WAY do i want them to cut me open. after watching the (animated) video of a cesarean and hearing the risks of medications and interventions, brian was even more supportive than ever of my decision to go natural.

i think the best thing about the class was how much it reinforced to me (and hopefully to brian) how we are in this together. and we want to be. there is no one else i would want more to be by my side when i give birth to this baby than brian. this whole pregnancy thing has been a bit of a roller coaster ride, up and down, and our relationship has definitely had its ups and downs along with it. and we know things are about to change dramatically, both within our relationship and in our lives in general. these next 5 weeks, postpartum, and especially labor/delivery are going to be really difficult and i know i'm going to need all the hand-holding in the world to get me through. i'm really thankful that it's brian's hand that i'll be holding.

we are at: 34 weeks 6 days.

who designed these pants? i mean, seriously.

things non-pregnant people take for granted:

- wine with dinner.
- sex.
- sleeping on your stomach.
- sleeping, in general.
- side zippers.
- finding clothes that fit.
- finding clothes that fit and actually resemble something they might want to wear from a selection of three racks in the ENTIRE STORE.
- getting in and out of the car.
- getting up from a chair.
- energy.
- tying their shoes or giving themselves a pedicure.
- actually fitting into any shoes other than flip-flops.
- climbing stairs.
- lack of stretch marks.
- sanity.

we are at: 34 weeks 1 day.

baby recipes

planning on making my own "toiletries" for the kiddo, brian thinks i am a bit nuts but is willing to let me. maybe because i've "proved" myself in the past by making my own stuff for my own use. he and i and lots of other people have used them and not died yet or had their faces melt off so i guess he figures our gal will be no different.

baby soap:
20 oz. olive oil
10 oz. coconut oil
10 oz. corn oil
2 oz. shea butter
10 oz. water
5.875 oz. NaOH
1 T. lavender eo
1 T. tee tree eo
1 oz. calendula oil

diaper cream:
1 oz. sweet almond oil
1 oz. shea butter
1 oz. calendula oil
½ oz. coconut oil
½ oz. beeswax
½ oz. zinc oxide
a few drops lavender eo
a few drops tea tree eo

bandicoot's ooh lotion:
20% olive oil (or maybe some sweet almond and/or shea and/or calendula subbed in?)
5% e-wax
5% stearic acid (possibly less for a thinner lotion?)
6% honey
1% citric acid
63% water
germaben ii
a few drops lavender eo

cloth wipe solution:
1 tsp. white vinegar or liquid soap (we'll see which works better)
1 T. calendula oil
a few drops lavender eo
a few drops tea tree eo
¼ c. aloe vera gel
½ c. water
germaben ii

baby powder:
4 oz. cornstarch
4 oz. arrowroot
1 oz. white kaolin clay
1 oz. powdered lavender buds
1 oz. powdered calendula petals
6-10 drops lavender eo

because it is so gentle and basic, the baby soap is also nice as a face soap. i might infuse the olive oil with lavender, yarrow, and slippery elm bark. likewise, remove the zinc oxide and the diaper cream becomes a very nice lip balm. baby powder is also nice for big girls as it is talc-free. and interestingly, the wipe solution (with vinegar, not soap) is very similar to a facial toner recipe i make and love; i am thinking i could maybe sub in citric acid for the vinegar, if i wanted to cut out the vinegar smell?

we are at: 33 weeks 3 days.

cross-posted at éireann

tailbone. hurts.

especially when i get up from sitting. doc says this is completely normal. apparently kiddo is pressing on it. apparently also the bones can actually move a little bit. this is because my body is producing a hormone called relaxin which loosens up my ligaments so that my hips will open up during labor. unfortunately it also has the unpleasant side effect of loosening up all my other joints, so my back is achier than usual and those tailbone bones can move slightly.

on a positive note, i have the option of sitting on a donut pillow to help ease the ache. on a negative note, this makes it look like i have hemorrhoids, which i most emphatically do NOT as i have been diligent about eating enough fiber and drinking enough water to (thus far) successfully avoid them.

on another positive note, apparently the "effects" of relaxin go away within about 24 hours of delivery. it's produced by the placenta, so once there is no more placenta, there is no more relaxin. but as my doctor reminded me, postpartum brings its own new set of aches and pains. remind me again why women are so set on perpetuating the human race?

we are at: 33 weeks 2 days.

don't mind me, that's just my gut.

at that tired, achy, uncomfortable point. not sure anymore how much bigger i can get.


we are at: 33 weeks 1 day.

7 weeks and counting

doctor's appointment this morning, everything is still looking good which is always reassuring to hear. also reassuring to hear the kiddo's heartbeat, which was strong and clear. and LOUD, boy was she ever loud. louder than i have heard her heartbeat thus far. the checkups start coming faster now - another one in two weeks, and then every week thereafter until i deliver.

next week i will be tested for group b strep, a harmless (to me) bacteria that can be passed to kiddo during delivery. i'll have to have antibiotics at some point during delivery and kiddo will need to be monitored for at least 24 hours after delivery if i test positive. about 40% of women do, apparently. at the moment, an enforced rest for 24 hours in the hospital sounds mighty good to me. home is feeling a little scary, where it will be just brian and me on our own with this kiddo. granted, my mom will be there, but... kiddos don't come with instruction manuals.

i cannot express how much i want this kid. as scary as the prospect of becoming a mom is to me, i want this kid more than i think i've ever wanted anything in my life. healthy and safe and in my arms. possibly more than i wanted to marry brian. i've heard loving and wanting your children doesn't get any better when you can actually hold them and see them and kiss them.

we are at: 33 weeks.

day care questions (long, sorry)

thank you so much for the encouragement on the day care issue. thank you thank you thank you. i really do appreciate each comment even though i am not acknowledging you all by name (as some people email me instead of commenting). honestly, truly, thank you.

as i mentioned i went with an exhaustive list of questions for our day care provider. i didn't know what to ask and my mother suggested looking online for some ideas. my list of questions was created from about 20 different websites. most suggested the same kinds of things but each had something different. keep in mind that this is for a small, in-home day care for an infant, not a large 70-child preschool-type setting. i deemed some probably "typical" or "essential" questions as not relevant to my situation because of that.

ask for a tour of the home/facility where the kids are. our provider's home was very clean and well-kept with a well-kept yard, on a small cul-de-sac off another street, which was off a "main" street. i didn't see a television where the kids were but i saw lots of age-appropriate toys that would stimulate learning and creativity (blocks, dress-up clothes, legos) and lots of books, which was very encouraging to me.

when you talk to someone, you want to know what all is included. you want to know what you must bring/provide. diapers, likely. how many bottles? et cetera.

you also need to know how compensation is handled for vacation or days your kiddo is sick. most places give you "time off" for vacation, but you usually still have to pay if your child is sick (unless hospitalized). often day care providers will take vacation time themselves when you generally do not have to pay. what are the hours? what holidays is your provider closed?

sometimes it is inevitable that you will be running a little late from work. how does your provider handle late pick-ups?

what is your provider's billing policy? does she provide receipts for income tax credit?

you need to know when you must keep your child home when they are sick. sniffles? runny nose? is it okay for kiddo to come when she is no longer contagious, but still recovering and just needs quiet and rest? how does your provider handle medications if they are needed? what is her policy about "quarantines" and other sick kids? what is her policy when the provider is ill herself?

it's important to know what their philosophy and point of view/feelings are on infant and toddler care. you don't want your child left in a swing, bouncer, or crib all day or in front of a television. (in california swings, bouncers, and walkers are prohibited.) what kind of early childhood education does the provider have?

is the provider licensed? (not all of them are!) if so, for how many children? how many children does she currently take care of, and what are their ages? does the provider carry current insurance, and for how much coverage? can you see a copy of her license and insurance? are all the people in the home licensed caregivers and fingerprint-cleared? are all caregivers current on infant/child cpr and first aid? (in california all of this is required to be current with the license, but not all providers keep up on everything. it is a good sign of responsible business management if they do.)

will your provider drive or take the children anywhere during the day? if she drives, does she have a rear-facing carseat (for an infant) or do you need to provide that? can you see a copy of her current insurance? your caregiver should have adequate liability limits (i would personally be comfortable with no less than 100/300/50 in california), medical payments coverage (in california - in other states it is sometimes called personal injury protection - i'd be comfortable with no less than $5,000), and uninsured/underinsured motorist coverages (should match the liability limits).

what kind of security/safety policies are in place to prevent accidents? are there any security/safety issues you should be aware of? (pets, pools, trampolines, stairs, et cetera)

does your provider smoke? does she have any health issues you should be aware of?

how are injuries and emergencies handled? who watches the children if the caregiver has a family emergency? what if you have a family emergency and need to come pick up your child?

can you come visit your child whenever you want to? this is important - your provider should have an open-door policy. anything but should be a red flag. your provider may have times that she request you take care when coming by (i.e. during naptime, so as not to wake the children) but you should not ever be prohibited from seeing your child unannounced.

what is your provider's discipline policy? what would your provider do if your baby cried inconsolably or would not stop crying unless held or carried? what is her procedure for putting babies to sleep?

what is your provider's meal policy? could you come and breastfeed on your lunch break (if feasible for you)? are there any concerns with provided breastmilk for bottle feeding versus formula?

if you are cloth diapering your baby, is your provider comfortable with that? you may need to provide a receptacle for the diapers during the day.

how does your provider communicate to you about your kiddo's day? what if you and she disagree about something?

references should be provided and if they are not, ASK. ask your caregiver to tell you about herself and her family. how did she get involved in child care?

tell her about yourself and your family. is there anything she wants to know about you?

you should get good answers to all your questions and not have to pry for this information. you should get a good feeling from the day care facility and not have any reservations. trust your gut! also, if this is a difficult but necessary thing for you to do, like it is for me - to put your child in day care - be honest with your caregiver about that. she should be sensitive to that and not take it personally. our provider commented a couple times that day care is generally harder on moms than it is on the kiddos. not only did i get a good gut-reaction from her, but this demonstrated to me that in being sensitive to my feelings and emotions and understanding that i didn't dislike her (just the situation in general), she would also be sensitive and caring to our daughter.

we are at: 32 weeks 3 days.

my heart broke a little again today.

i finally made the call today that i had been dreading for a while. dreading might be a strong word for it, but i was certainly not looking forward to this call. i had to call our (new) day care provider to let her know that we would like to place our daughter with her when she arrives.

i had been looking into day care for quite a while and really had no clue what i was trying to find. i had known even before we got pregnant that i would not be able to stay home full-time and be a sahm no matter how much i wanted to. we just can't afford it. half of brian's paycheck goes to our mortgage payment, and then we have our regular bills and his car payment as well. if we had zero debt (and we are working very hard to get to that point) then it would be more feasible but at the moment it just is not. so when we had The Chat about how much money we have and how long i will be able to stay home after the baby comes and my disability runs out, it was not a surprise to me that we need me to go back to work.

i got a very strong recommendation from a coworker friend about a woman who runs a small in-home day care, so i checked her out two weeks ago. she's wonderful and reminds me of my own mother, only taller. i have no doubt our gal will be in fabulous hands with her. i had my exhaustive list of questions (i had absolutely no clue what to ask a prospective day care provider which i'll post later in case there are those of you who were like me and have no idea either) and she answered everything even beyond my expectations. the kids she takes care of are fun and sweet and should be a good influence on our gal. she is close to home and work, so i can "visit" our daughter during the day (i'm hoping to breastfeed during my lunch but we'll see how that works out). she's not even hugely expensive, which is such a saving grace to our ever-tightening budget. i went home that night and told brian everything about her, and then i started bawling.

i don't want to put my daughter in day care. i want to be the one who raises her. it's not even about how i feel about day care in general - that kids are best served being raised and loved and taught by their parents, not hired help. it's so much more than that. i want to be the one to teach her to tie her shoes. i want to be the one who works with her on potty-training. when she first smiles or sits up, i want to be the one there to see it, not the day care lady. i don't want to be away from her for eight hours a day. at the moment (see how naive i am? moms, you'll all laugh) i don't want to be away from her for one hour a day. i haven't even met this child yet and already i can't imagine my life, my future, without her. i want her so badly and i would be heartbroken if she was taken away from me, but here i am voluntarily, willingly giving her up.

maybe it's "just" pregnancy hormones that are making me feel like this, but i doubt that's the whole story. i just want my daughter all to myself and to brian. i don't want brian to go back to work either. i know it's not realistic because we didn't win the lottery, we're not independently wealthy, we don't have trust funds - but i just want my husband and my baby with me all the time, so we can just be a family together.

we are at: 31 weeks 3 days.

maternity photos

man that sounds awful. maybe it is just that word, maternity. it makes everything sound awful. maternity leave sounds like when you sent away an unwed mother in the 1950s so no one knew she was pregnant. maternity jeans sound horrendous but i love mine, they are so comfy and imho actually rather cute. likewise, maternity photos sounds so fuggy and blech but i really like how ours turned out. it helped that i was having a good hair and makeup day and my husband is just naturally devastatingly handsome.


i was a little nervous at first showing so much skin. our photographer was a man also, maybe it would have helped if it were a woman. (i would have loved my friend joanna to have done them but she is two hours away.) it was the first time i had shown that much skin for someone whom i was not in love with and it is a bit unnerving to deliberately remove your clothes and be willingly photographed in basically your underwear. i'm not in love with showing off my body to begin with and here i was paying someone to take pictures of it.


fortunately my husband was amazing as usual. often in the crush of daily life i forget what a truly fabulous man this is that i was lucky enough to marry. more than the photographer (or his wife who was also his assistant), he really put me at ease. i mean, here is some strange man who is pulling open my shirt and arranging my hands or brian's hands on my stomach and in doing so he has to sometimes brush my skin and it is just plain weird. but brian completely relaxed me and made me laugh and really made the whole thing fun.


even better was that we were doing it together, so even though there were two other completely random people in the room, it still felt very intimate between us. at least it did to me. and the best part is, i know brian was doing it all for me, which speaks volumes to me about how great he is. these belly photos were all my idea and i really pushed for them. i wanted a record of our baby while she is still "just" a bump in my midsection. i want her to see these photos and know how much her mom and dad love each other and her, even before she is born. when i initially brought it up, brian was rather against the idea. he did not want to spend the money on baby pictures with no baby in them. but he gave in for me.


i think even he had a good time, and i am really glad that we did this. i love pregnant belly photos and i am so glad we have our own for our kiddo. and if i do say so myself, i think they turned out pretty damn great. our photographer is really talented and brought out the best in both of us. and it makes me happy to see these photos, because very often these days i am feeling unwieldy and ungainly and just not very attractive. not ugly or anything, just unattractive, with this huge watermelon for a waist and tired all the time, and these remind me of what i have always (previously) believed: that there is quite possibly nothing more beautiful than a pregnant woman, except maybe a pregnant woman and the man who loves her.


we are at: 31 weeks.

special thanks to cesar and desserie at artpix portrait studio for taking our beautiful photos. all images are copyright to them.

huge stash and nowhere to put them. because i am still nesting.

we (i) really want to do cloth diapers on this kiddo. brian is very skeptical. i am getting a lot of support and encouragement in this (thanks, jaimey!) but i think he will not believe it until he sees it.

to save money, my mom has been sewing little diapers for i don't know how long. i know she made some at least two years ago, because she showed them to me with strict instructions NOT to tell anyone, lest they think she is nuts to be sewing for a baby that had no plans of existing at the time. once we got pregnant she ramped it up and has been sending them to me. she complains a little sometimes but i think secretly she likes experimenting with the different fabrics and construction techniques and being able to contribute to the kiddo. she even cut up an old sheet to make cloth wipes.


obviously this is not the entire stash. the entire stash is in a box in the closet that is not even close to containing everything, and yes it is driving me nuts that i can't put them away yet.

the green one and the elmo one (at the bottom) are the two that i attempted and while they are not awful, i think hers will get more use. i didn't put any elastic in mine so we shall see. they all take little liners in the crotch area, kind of like little maxipads to absorb the pee and poo. i have a huge bag of terrycloth "liners" similar to the one with elmo on it. the blue-gray stripey thing is one of the wipes she made, for which i am planning on making my own wipes solution. once i get a recipe down that i like i will post.

we are at: 30 weeks 3 days.