the countdown begins

as of today, i have exactly six more working days left until i become a stay-at-home mom!

i've kept this a bit under wraps because i did not notify my job until just this past friday (the official two weeks). my hours were given to a girl hired during my maternity leave and my boss refused to restore them. i work for a small business, so technically he is within the letter of the law (even the very strict california law), even though in my humble opinion that's a f&#^ed up stunt to pull. part-time rates are not available at the daycare in which we chose to place hannah [prior to notification that my hours were cut], so working 16 hours a week was netting us approximately $600 per month after all was said and done. so we chose to take the plunge and become a single-income family.

this is exciting and scary all at the same time. i'm thrilled to be able to take care of my daughter full-time, and not have to leave her with someone else to experience all of her cuteness and sweetness and life. brian feels less anxious because she will be with me instead of in daycare (he was very concerned about daycare in general, even though our place is GREAT).

but... i've never not worked. at least, not since i was 16, save the four weeks i took off when i got married and the four months i took off earlier this year when hannah was born. i've never not contributed a paycheck to our household - even when i was on leave this summer, i still received disability and pfl checks that went into our bank account. i worry about depending solely on brian's income, and i worry about my ability to budget properly for household expenses. i worry that i will end up resenting my husband, who works a very high-stress job with long, unpredictable hours, when he comes home from work and [rightly] relaxes in front of the television while i am at my wit's end trying to get dinner ready with a cranky, fussy baby who has been cranky and fussy all day long.

i know some of you who read this are or have been sahms yourselves... how do you handle these fears? any words of advice for me? i know my situation is not unique, but it is very new to me.

am a working girl once again

i started back at work yesterday and let me tell you, WORKING SUCKS. there are a multitude of reasons that would be inappropriate to discuss here, but largely WORKING SUCKS because i have to leave my kiddo to be babysat by another mommy, while i go babysit my clients. what is wrong with this picture?

also, WORKING SUCKS because pumping at work sucks. pumping at work sucks not only because of my somewhat ignorant colleagues who felt that i ought to be able to pump in the bathroom instead of the break room. since i did not feel like enlightening them on the finer points of the law and my legal right to be provided a space, i just told them it was illegal for me to pummp in the bathroom because it is unsanitary. good Lord. i mean, i actually had to remind my boss that he wouldn't eat lunch in the bathroom, so i shouldn't have to prepare the kiddo's lunch there either.

pumping largely sucks because of the aforementioned leaving my kiddo. sure, i pump every morning anyways, so i'm no stranger to my breast pump. we're good friends. but there is a HUGE difference between pumping for a good cause and pumping because your kiddo is in daycare. so yeah, it sucks.

all of this has just strengthened my resolve to get our life straightened out so i can be a sahm. brian too... he actually checked her last night for bruises. bruises! as if i would send her to a daycare that might abuse her! still, he says he worries because someone - anyone - other than me is taking care of her. so hopefully i'll get to be sahm soon. this daycare thing is breaking my heart every day.

might need to be getting out more

so, i'm going back to work in a week.

actually, less than a week. my first day back at the office is tuesday, september 1.

i'm having very mixed emotions about going back to work. on the one hand, i'm going to miss my daughter. i'm going to miss all the grinning and cooing she does during the day. i know, i'll get my fix when i come home each night, but still. and i'll miss all the things she'll learn how to do during the day while i'm at work. i mean, eight hours is a long time when you've only been out in the world for 15 weeks. what if she learns to sit up while i am at work, and i miss it? or if she crawls, or takes her first steps, or learns to fly and airplane, all while i am at work?

(fortunately, we have her in a wonderful daycare that i have no worries about. it's actually not the one i mentioned before; that one fell through, but we were able to find another that is just as wonderful, though unfortunately not as easy on our budget. and i'm not going back to work full-full-time. i'll be taking thursdays off, so i can still go to my mommy group and have an extra day with our kiddo.)

also, selfishly, it's pretty damn nice being lazy and staying in my pajamas most of the day and not having to work. and just try getting anywhere on time. it's impossible. at least while i'm not working, we have quite a large cushion of time (read: the entire day) to make it out the door to do normal things like shop for groceries and go to the bank. in one week i am going to have to try to wrangle myself AND a baby out of the house by 830a. with both of us fed, bathed, clothed, and ready for the day. it was hard enough to get myself out of the house on time BEFORE i had a baby.

on the other hand... man, i hate to say this, but it's kind of dull, taking care of an infant. it gets really boring, really fast. i mean, i love her to pieces and she's cute and all, but you can only coo and giggle and grin back at the baby so much before you go out of your head. changing diapers gets really old, really fast. so does nursing, even. i mean, we got past the troublesome beginning, the pain and the difficult latch and the overactive letdown, and now it really is all sunshine and rainbows and puppies frolicking in the meadow, the intimate emotional connection between me and my baby that i had hoped and heard it would be. but i do have those moments when i feel like, damn girl, AGAIN? you want to eat AGAIN? from me? can't you just go make yourself a sandwich already?

so, there it is. i mean, i know in the grand scheme of things i'm pretty lucky. i got to stay home with my baby for 16 weeks (by the time i go back to work), which is 2+ weeks longer than most people who continue working. we can't afford right now for me to be a sahm, but hopefully by the beginning of next year we will be able to manage without my income, or at least i can cut my hours down to three or even just two days a week. at the moment part of me doesn't want to give up my job, my independence. it's my connection to adults and adult conversation (thank heavens for mommy group too!) and helps reset my brain from baby-only.

case in point: last night brian came home and asked about my day, and i told him how we went to kohl's to return some stuff and get him some new work shirts, and she made a HUGE noisy poopy right there in the middle of men's furnishings. in her diaper, but still. and then grinned at me. i took her into the bathroom to change her, and MAN was it ever huge - her entire bottom was covered with poop - and she just continued to babble and grin at me. scintillating, no?

mo' money

don't forget to enter my green birthday giveaway! you have until 8pm pdt on wednesday, april 29, 2009. it's awesome, and who doesn't like free?

i just found out the other day that BOTH brian and i can take paid family leave (pfl) when the kiddo comes!

this is fabulous news to us. brian had been planning on taking a bunch of time off - 6 weeks to be exact - starting may 4, so he and i could spend time together before the baby and also so he could spend time with me and the baby after she arrives. he has two weeks of vacation and we had expected the other 4 weeks to be unpaid. we would just watch our pennies and be very careful with our savings.

because i am the one actually doing the hard work of being pregnant and giving birth, i get state disability (sdi) for 4 weeks before and 6 weeks after baby arrives. i am not taking the full 4 weeks before because i feel fine and we need the money. i also have a private individual disability policy that we purchased about a year and a half ago for this specific reason, which will also help to replace my income - 4 weeks before and 6 weeks after. (nor are my benefits reduced by sdi - thank you, california.) we had assumed that i would go back to work approximately 8 weeks after the baby, as we don't want to completely deplete our savings just for the sake of keeping the kiddo out of day care.

but! we have now learned about pfl! pfl means brian can get paid for those 4 weeks after his vacation time! pfl also means i get an additional 6 weeks paid after my sdi runs out! of course, the payments are reduced compared to what we would be earning if we were working full time, but it's money coming in, so i'm not going to complain.

pfl is slightly different from the family medical leave act (fmla) but seems to work in conjuction with it. from what i understand, fmla basically preserves your job, seniority, and benefits for up to 12 weeks each year, for specific reasons (like your own medical condition or caring for a family member or a newborn child). the leave is unpaid. pfl, in california, is up to 6 weeks of paid leave for the same kind of reasons. so our jobs and benefits are protected for 12 weeks, but we only get paid for 6. fortunately, we both work for great people who do not want to lose us. this isn't so much of an issue for brian as he is only taking 6 weeks of his available 12-week fmla leave. it is VERY important for me because i will be off work for 14-16 weeks, so my employer is not required to hold my job for that amount of time.

i am so thrilled. not only am i going to have my husband home for 6 weeks (at which point you may well find me shoving him out the door to go back to work, if he drives me up a wall), but we can delay putting kiddo into daycare until the middle or possibly even end of august. and we will have some money coming in to help us out. such a burden off my shoulders!

we are at: 37 weeks 2 days.

day care questions (long, sorry)

thank you so much for the encouragement on the day care issue. thank you thank you thank you. i really do appreciate each comment even though i am not acknowledging you all by name (as some people email me instead of commenting). honestly, truly, thank you.

as i mentioned i went with an exhaustive list of questions for our day care provider. i didn't know what to ask and my mother suggested looking online for some ideas. my list of questions was created from about 20 different websites. most suggested the same kinds of things but each had something different. keep in mind that this is for a small, in-home day care for an infant, not a large 70-child preschool-type setting. i deemed some probably "typical" or "essential" questions as not relevant to my situation because of that.

ask for a tour of the home/facility where the kids are. our provider's home was very clean and well-kept with a well-kept yard, on a small cul-de-sac off another street, which was off a "main" street. i didn't see a television where the kids were but i saw lots of age-appropriate toys that would stimulate learning and creativity (blocks, dress-up clothes, legos) and lots of books, which was very encouraging to me.

when you talk to someone, you want to know what all is included. you want to know what you must bring/provide. diapers, likely. how many bottles? et cetera.

you also need to know how compensation is handled for vacation or days your kiddo is sick. most places give you "time off" for vacation, but you usually still have to pay if your child is sick (unless hospitalized). often day care providers will take vacation time themselves when you generally do not have to pay. what are the hours? what holidays is your provider closed?

sometimes it is inevitable that you will be running a little late from work. how does your provider handle late pick-ups?

what is your provider's billing policy? does she provide receipts for income tax credit?

you need to know when you must keep your child home when they are sick. sniffles? runny nose? is it okay for kiddo to come when she is no longer contagious, but still recovering and just needs quiet and rest? how does your provider handle medications if they are needed? what is her policy about "quarantines" and other sick kids? what is her policy when the provider is ill herself?

it's important to know what their philosophy and point of view/feelings are on infant and toddler care. you don't want your child left in a swing, bouncer, or crib all day or in front of a television. (in california swings, bouncers, and walkers are prohibited.) what kind of early childhood education does the provider have?

is the provider licensed? (not all of them are!) if so, for how many children? how many children does she currently take care of, and what are their ages? does the provider carry current insurance, and for how much coverage? can you see a copy of her license and insurance? are all the people in the home licensed caregivers and fingerprint-cleared? are all caregivers current on infant/child cpr and first aid? (in california all of this is required to be current with the license, but not all providers keep up on everything. it is a good sign of responsible business management if they do.)

will your provider drive or take the children anywhere during the day? if she drives, does she have a rear-facing carseat (for an infant) or do you need to provide that? can you see a copy of her current insurance? your caregiver should have adequate liability limits (i would personally be comfortable with no less than 100/300/50 in california), medical payments coverage (in california - in other states it is sometimes called personal injury protection - i'd be comfortable with no less than $5,000), and uninsured/underinsured motorist coverages (should match the liability limits).

what kind of security/safety policies are in place to prevent accidents? are there any security/safety issues you should be aware of? (pets, pools, trampolines, stairs, et cetera)

does your provider smoke? does she have any health issues you should be aware of?

how are injuries and emergencies handled? who watches the children if the caregiver has a family emergency? what if you have a family emergency and need to come pick up your child?

can you come visit your child whenever you want to? this is important - your provider should have an open-door policy. anything but should be a red flag. your provider may have times that she request you take care when coming by (i.e. during naptime, so as not to wake the children) but you should not ever be prohibited from seeing your child unannounced.

what is your provider's discipline policy? what would your provider do if your baby cried inconsolably or would not stop crying unless held or carried? what is her procedure for putting babies to sleep?

what is your provider's meal policy? could you come and breastfeed on your lunch break (if feasible for you)? are there any concerns with provided breastmilk for bottle feeding versus formula?

if you are cloth diapering your baby, is your provider comfortable with that? you may need to provide a receptacle for the diapers during the day.

how does your provider communicate to you about your kiddo's day? what if you and she disagree about something?

references should be provided and if they are not, ASK. ask your caregiver to tell you about herself and her family. how did she get involved in child care?

tell her about yourself and your family. is there anything she wants to know about you?

you should get good answers to all your questions and not have to pry for this information. you should get a good feeling from the day care facility and not have any reservations. trust your gut! also, if this is a difficult but necessary thing for you to do, like it is for me - to put your child in day care - be honest with your caregiver about that. she should be sensitive to that and not take it personally. our provider commented a couple times that day care is generally harder on moms than it is on the kiddos. not only did i get a good gut-reaction from her, but this demonstrated to me that in being sensitive to my feelings and emotions and understanding that i didn't dislike her (just the situation in general), she would also be sensitive and caring to our daughter.

we are at: 32 weeks 3 days.

my heart broke a little again today.

i finally made the call today that i had been dreading for a while. dreading might be a strong word for it, but i was certainly not looking forward to this call. i had to call our (new) day care provider to let her know that we would like to place our daughter with her when she arrives.

i had been looking into day care for quite a while and really had no clue what i was trying to find. i had known even before we got pregnant that i would not be able to stay home full-time and be a sahm no matter how much i wanted to. we just can't afford it. half of brian's paycheck goes to our mortgage payment, and then we have our regular bills and his car payment as well. if we had zero debt (and we are working very hard to get to that point) then it would be more feasible but at the moment it just is not. so when we had The Chat about how much money we have and how long i will be able to stay home after the baby comes and my disability runs out, it was not a surprise to me that we need me to go back to work.

i got a very strong recommendation from a coworker friend about a woman who runs a small in-home day care, so i checked her out two weeks ago. she's wonderful and reminds me of my own mother, only taller. i have no doubt our gal will be in fabulous hands with her. i had my exhaustive list of questions (i had absolutely no clue what to ask a prospective day care provider which i'll post later in case there are those of you who were like me and have no idea either) and she answered everything even beyond my expectations. the kids she takes care of are fun and sweet and should be a good influence on our gal. she is close to home and work, so i can "visit" our daughter during the day (i'm hoping to breastfeed during my lunch but we'll see how that works out). she's not even hugely expensive, which is such a saving grace to our ever-tightening budget. i went home that night and told brian everything about her, and then i started bawling.

i don't want to put my daughter in day care. i want to be the one who raises her. it's not even about how i feel about day care in general - that kids are best served being raised and loved and taught by their parents, not hired help. it's so much more than that. i want to be the one to teach her to tie her shoes. i want to be the one who works with her on potty-training. when she first smiles or sits up, i want to be the one there to see it, not the day care lady. i don't want to be away from her for eight hours a day. at the moment (see how naive i am? moms, you'll all laugh) i don't want to be away from her for one hour a day. i haven't even met this child yet and already i can't imagine my life, my future, without her. i want her so badly and i would be heartbroken if she was taken away from me, but here i am voluntarily, willingly giving her up.

maybe it's "just" pregnancy hormones that are making me feel like this, but i doubt that's the whole story. i just want my daughter all to myself and to brian. i don't want brian to go back to work either. i know it's not realistic because we didn't win the lottery, we're not independently wealthy, we don't have trust funds - but i just want my husband and my baby with me all the time, so we can just be a family together.

we are at: 31 weeks 3 days.