oh, the naivete of youth.

about a year before i got pregnant, i stepped on woody's tail. i was rushing around before work one morning, trying not to trip over the cat as he attempted to help me kill me before leaving the house. he yelped and leapt away, and as i tried not to spill my coffee my heart broke into a million pieces. my baby! my kitten! my little man! how careless of mommy to hurt him! i didn't do it on purpose, sweetheart. mommy loves you.

i felt horrible, as if i had sliced off my own finger. i knew in that moment that i was ready to have children. if i could feel this way about a cat, i was ready for a baby. i had enough love and patience to give a child.

now that i am an actual parent and not just a cat mommy, i know: having a cat? is nothing like raising a baby.

blinded with science

yesterday hannah and i took part in a research study, and i am so ridiculously excited about this, i cannot even tell you. we signed up a couple months ago at one of the universities near us and i had been anxiously waiting for them to contact us to participate. i firmly believe in actively participating in research when i can, and the brain (and our bodies) is one of those things that juust absolutely fascinates me. when i was a baby, my mother and i participated in a study about infant massage, so i guess it's just in my genes.

brian was very concerned that i would be subjecting hannah to needles or strange drugs and things like that. i reassured him that i would never allow anything like that to happen to her, and that ethically, researchers can't do things like that to babies because they cannot give informed consent. (i think. right?)

we actually participated in two studies yesterday. the first study was testing her short-term memory. she sat on my lap in front of two computer screens with different colored dots on them. on one screen the dots were stationary, and the other the dots were moving around. in theory, she would look at both screens to see the dots, and then if she had stored them in her short-term memory, she would look at the screen with the moving dots longer because it is more interesting than the stationary dots (which were already in her memory).

the second study tested her ability to categorize objects. we sat in front of a television screen and she was shown lots of pictures of cats. big cats, little cats, fluffy cats, orange cats, white cats, you name it. this was to help her make the category "cats." then she was shown a picture of a cat and a dog. in theory, if she had made the category "cats" and was able to differentiate between cats and dogs, then she would look at the picture of the dog longer, because it was new and interesting.

they did tell me that she looked at the moving dots longer. (well, OF COURSE SHE DID. she's a genius. what else would you expect?) they did not tell me what she did on the cats and dogs test and i forgot to ask, which is really a bummer because she is currently going through the developmental stage where she realizes that things are different and the same and begins to categorize objects.

brian was very relieved when i told him how everything went and what she did at the center. we were also kindly given an age-appropriate toy for our trouble, which made it all worthwhile to him. silly man!

we are still on their list, if they need more volunteers for future studies. i really hope they do, because we had a lot of fun doing this, and it is neat to know that hannah (and me, indirectly) contributed to our understanding of how the mind develops and works. if you have a research university close to you and a young baby, i encourage you to participate in any studies they may have as well!

hannah's mom

the other day when i picked The Kiddo up from daycare, one of the older kids patted me on the hip in that sweet way kids do and told me how she played with hannah that day and hannah smiled at her, she made hannah happy. the girl addressed me as "hannah's mom, hannah's mom." i'm no longer erin, or brian's wife, or even mrs. stensler. i'm just "hannah's mom."

it's taken me some time to grow into my new role and to learn to enjoy being hannah's mom. i didn't at first. sure, i loved my baby, no doubt, but we weren't in love. others have likened having a baby to falling in love all over again, which is an apt analogy, except that for me, it takes time to fall in love. i'm not one of those fairy-tale love-at-first-sight people. and hannah was sure a cute newborn, but it wasn't love at first sight. there were more than a couple nights, expecially that first month, that i cried to brian how i didn't want this, didn't want this life, wanted my old life back, the life we had before we even thought about getting pregnant.

now, almost five months later, i can say that i am in love with my baby and mean it completely. i love being hannah's mom. i love waking up in the morning and finding her little face two inches from my own, eyes wide open with a big grin the moment she sees i'm awake. i love how she falls asleep next to me when nursing in the middle of the night and snuggles into my body. i love that just being picked up and held by mama can (usually) quiet even the most frantic, distressed cries. i love that she recognizes when i sing "you are my sunshine," and quiets down to listen to me singing to her, and smiles up at me from my arms. i love how she reaches her little hand out to pull me to her when she wants to nurse. i love how she isn't too sure about grass when we lay on the lawn and look at the clouds, but she watches me and as long as i'm okay with it, she is too. i love how she rolls her eyes back in her head, grabs my hair and giggles when i nom on her belly. i love cuddling her, kissing her, showing her new things, watching her learn and grown and smile.

i love being hannah's mom.

pimp mama

click here to vote for hannah as the cutest baby!

i am well aware that there is a VERY fine line between entering your baby's picture in a cutest baby contest because, well, she's just SO DAMN CUTE and pimping out your kid. how do you know when you've crossed it?

rise and shine!

this is pretty generally what i wake up to each morning. she can do this sometimes for forty-five minutes before she gets annoyed and starts to fuss.

in which i give away hannah's lifeblood

i just sent off my first milk donation, approximately 220 ounces (44 5-ounce bags) which is everything i had in my freezer from june and july. i am so excited to have done this and cannot wait for next month when i can send off another batch, whatever extra i pump during august.

brian did not exactly understand why i would donate milk and who would need it. i explained that it could save a baby's life, because there are babies who have been abandoned at birth or whose mothers die (heaven forbid); mothers who are seriously ill with things like cancer, aids, or hepatitis, or have other health issues that prevent them from nursing their babies; premature or sick infants who need breastmilk but for whatever reason cannot get it from their mothers. there are mothers who have multiples, especially higher-order multiples, who simply cannot produce enough milk to adequately feed their babies. i pointed out to him that if something were to happen to me (heaven forbid), i would want hannah to continue to be "breastfed" with donor milk, because i strongly believe that is the best thing for her.

if you have the ability, please consider donating yourself. it's easy, painless, and can save a baby's life.

tummy time

it usually starts out like this.


and then we roll over to our belly (assisted, of course).


we try flirting a little, because maybe we can get out of this?


and then we try scooting somewhere. she's going to be an expert at the military crawl, i just know it.


and finally we show off what a big strong girl we are.


good job, kiddo!

this weekend

is our fifth anniversary, so the kiddo is staying overnight with nana and we're having the weekend to ourselves. any suggestions/advice?

definitely a contender for mommy of the year

we had a lovely lunch this afternoon with my friend kelsey, who had been dying to meet hannah. i took a few more precautions today than when we went to san francisco last month to visit my sister and my cousin.


that day, weather.com said it was supposed to be a lovely 74º so she wore a cute little top and shorts, and her backup outfit was a cute little onesie and pants. IDIOT i lived in san francisco long enough, i should know better. it was overcast and cool and i did my best to keep her warm. i forgot to pack socks, because it was supposed to be warm. and yet, i forgot to pack her sun hat as well, and she got pink on her nose and cheeks. (darn that san francisco glare!) (fyi: according to my lactation consultant, "they" say no sunscreen until 6 months NOT because of the chemicals, but because "they" don't want you to rely on sunscreen and take your baby into the sun without being covered up. POOH. we have since bought sunscreen and she gets slathered with it when we plan on being out at all.) so today we were prepared with sunscreen, hat, and sunglasses.

not much of a conversationalist

and then we got home, and she sat on my lap to have a nice eat because she had to endure the indignity of a bottle while we were at lunch, and after she ate she had a massive blowout. on my lap. all over my skirt. and then grinned at me, all proud of herself. i guess it must have felt good to get all that out of her system. did i mention that she got it all out of her system ONTO MY LAP?

i think brian should cook dinner tonight.

donate!

i'm becoming a milk donor!

i'm very excited. i've always wanted to donate blood; i appreciate the need but can't get past the needle aspect. i've always had a donor sticker on my driver's license. now, i recently found out about milk donation - something i can do easily and painlessly. yippee!

we're just at the beginning - it seems to be quite a process. i had to get pre-screened and then fill out an application and get my ob and hannah's pediatrician to sign off. once that's approved, i have to take a blood test (a smaller needle and for less time than donating blood). once that comes back clear, they'll send me the supplies i need to donate the milk. it's a kind of reverse mail-order process, which is fortunate since we're about 100 miles away from the actual bank and i wouldn't relish the drive if i had to drop it off in person. i don't see why they wouldn't accept me as a donor. i'm perfectly healthy with an uneventful medical history (except for the craziness getting hannah born). i don't have any communicable diseases, or even any uncommunicable ones. as far as i can tell, i'm exactly what they're looking for.

if you have the ability, i strongly encourage you to consider milk donation yourself. it can help a baby live!

head shoulders knees and toes

so nom-able.




there's a very good chance you'll find me nibbling on my daughter. if she's not sleeping, that is.

can't think of anything at the moment.

hannah's baby shower cake made it onto cake wrecks! inordinately excited about this.

hannah's two-week appointment was yesterday and everything looks good. she has gained a pound over last week and a half an inch over her birth length. the nurse thinks so little because her conehead has disappeared and the extra length from that was probably counted in her 20" birth length; she was probably a little bit less. other than a bad case of diaper rash, she is perfectly healthy and happy.

and not only am i in love with my baby toiletries, but i got props on them from the doctor yesterday! she said specifically that my bum cream was great for her diaper rash, and mentioned that commercial baby wipes can sometimes aggravate diaper rash. i said that we were using cloth wipes instead, wet with either plain water or water with aloe vera gel, which she also heartily approved of. yay for me!

we're trying to start her on a good sleep schedule, but it's difficult. she's only three weeks old, after all. i'm not sure if it's too early to start but i figure we can at least try. i figure she needs to get used to sleeping in her crib, especially at night, and she needs to learn that nighttime is when we sleep and not when we are awake and needing to be cuddled and loved on. not that i don't want to cuddle and love on her, just that i want my sleep as well and the sooner she learns about sleeping at night, the easier life is going to be for mama and daddy and on her in the long run.

in other news, trying not to be too frustrated over brian's response to the baby. he gets very frustrated when she cries, especially when he can't stop it right away. he wants to cuddle her but only when she's quiet, and gets annoyed that "she just wants her mommy." i know he loves her - he's completely smitten - but i think he will like her a lot more when she can respond to him, when he can do something silly and make her smile at him.

hannah jeanne

was born on monday may 11 (her due date!) at 6pm. she was 8 lbs. 0 oz. and 20 ins long. she is the most beautiful thing we have ever seen. we all came home from the hospital thursday afternoon.

photos and her birth story to come, it was quite the ordeal. we tried a little bit of pretty much everything just to meet this kiddo.

cross-posted at éireann

this is what my life is reduced to.

waiting. just... waiting.

i gave myself a pedicure this morning, an effort that involved much bending and huffing and contortions of the legs and torso. sounds a lot more sexy than it really was, trust me. given how swollen my feet are, i think this is a bit like putting lipstick on a pig, but.

in the meantime, we sit around and wait.

we are at: 39 weeks 5 days.

cute mommy love

don't forget to enter my green birthday giveaway! you have until 8pm pdt tonight. it's awesome, and who doesn't like free?

random things i'm liking lately:

- mommy necklaces, especially the sunset and earth collections.

- mama merit badges.

- reusable sandwich bags for kiddo snacks. obviously we're not there yet, but this little idea will get filed away for later.

- oh plah teething bracelet.

- mother's day chocolates in a sweet butterfly box. generally i am not a big chocolate person, but how cute is that box? and maybe it is just the hormones but those chocolates look pretty heavenly right now.

- these little silver claw-foot bathtubs that would be so perfect for my green birthday giveaway. the relaxing bath stuff... well, mine's way better. go enter!

we are at: 38 weeks 2 days.

mo' money

don't forget to enter my green birthday giveaway! you have until 8pm pdt on wednesday, april 29, 2009. it's awesome, and who doesn't like free?

i just found out the other day that BOTH brian and i can take paid family leave (pfl) when the kiddo comes!

this is fabulous news to us. brian had been planning on taking a bunch of time off - 6 weeks to be exact - starting may 4, so he and i could spend time together before the baby and also so he could spend time with me and the baby after she arrives. he has two weeks of vacation and we had expected the other 4 weeks to be unpaid. we would just watch our pennies and be very careful with our savings.

because i am the one actually doing the hard work of being pregnant and giving birth, i get state disability (sdi) for 4 weeks before and 6 weeks after baby arrives. i am not taking the full 4 weeks before because i feel fine and we need the money. i also have a private individual disability policy that we purchased about a year and a half ago for this specific reason, which will also help to replace my income - 4 weeks before and 6 weeks after. (nor are my benefits reduced by sdi - thank you, california.) we had assumed that i would go back to work approximately 8 weeks after the baby, as we don't want to completely deplete our savings just for the sake of keeping the kiddo out of day care.

but! we have now learned about pfl! pfl means brian can get paid for those 4 weeks after his vacation time! pfl also means i get an additional 6 weeks paid after my sdi runs out! of course, the payments are reduced compared to what we would be earning if we were working full time, but it's money coming in, so i'm not going to complain.

pfl is slightly different from the family medical leave act (fmla) but seems to work in conjuction with it. from what i understand, fmla basically preserves your job, seniority, and benefits for up to 12 weeks each year, for specific reasons (like your own medical condition or caring for a family member or a newborn child). the leave is unpaid. pfl, in california, is up to 6 weeks of paid leave for the same kind of reasons. so our jobs and benefits are protected for 12 weeks, but we only get paid for 6. fortunately, we both work for great people who do not want to lose us. this isn't so much of an issue for brian as he is only taking 6 weeks of his available 12-week fmla leave. it is VERY important for me because i will be off work for 14-16 weeks, so my employer is not required to hold my job for that amount of time.

i am so thrilled. not only am i going to have my husband home for 6 weeks (at which point you may well find me shoving him out the door to go back to work, if he drives me up a wall), but we can delay putting kiddo into daycare until the middle or possibly even end of august. and we will have some money coming in to help us out. such a burden off my shoulders!

we are at: 37 weeks 2 days.

sweet baby showers

last weekend was my baby shower, hosted for me by my lovely best girl alice. unfortunately because she was "working" and behind the camera i think i don't have any pictures of her, unless there happen to be some on her camera or someone else's that i don't know about.

brian would not let me "travel" to san diego so alice or my mother could host a shower down there, so they came to us up here in sacramento and we had the shower at our house. when we were initially talking around dates and locations i did not think the 8 hour drive would be an issue. after all i made it in january no problem, just a regular trip. as is the case so very often, i was glad he got his way and that i did not make the drive down at 7½ months pregnant. ugh. i probably could have flown... but i hate flying.

i fell in love with the decorations for nicole balch's baby shower so we made our own baby clothesline. cheap (free!) and easy decor.


i really like how ours turned out. so sweet.

allie had the girls decorate onesies:


and bibs for hannah. the orange giants one ("i drool like my daddy") was made by brian.


though it wasn't really a co-ed shower because he had said he had no desire to be involved, brian stuck around some to see what all the fuss was about.

alice also had the girls dressing babies for time (mil and heather):


only the dresser was blindfolded, and their partner had to give them instructions. my mother, ella, and kirsten:


nichole and kelsey finished pretty quickly and won the game:


while carrie and brenda came in a pretty close second:


alice also had everyone identify baby food by a blind taste test. we tried not to pick out yucky ones when we were at the grocery store.

i don't have pictures of the gifts everyone gave us but suffice to say those ladies were overly generous, each and every one of them. there was just too much to take pictures of. and what good taste they all have as well! hannah is going to be the best dressed kid on the block, that's for sure. at least, until i have to start picking out her clothes on my own. this gift came a day or so later, from my aunt in seattle:


i could not resist posting a photo, because those little sheep booties? are called "best of chums." how sweet is that?

speaking of sweet, it was kind of a warm day so we had ice cream cake instead of regular cake. i love ice cream cake.


(we all got a kick out of seeing how the decorator drizzled "welcome baby hannah" over the roses on the cake, so you might see this one show up on cake wrecks!)

the truly best part of the shower was seeing all my girlfriends (well, most of them) and getting to spend some time with them. for pretty much all it was a bit of a drive out to our house and because of that i don't get to see them altogether that often, and i really miss them. like miss kelsey here.


i really appreciated everyone taking the time to come out and see me. (we should have parties more often!) i hope everyone had fun, because i certainly had a great time. thank you, ladies!

we are at: 35 weeks 2 days.

i wore a dress, and did my makeup, and even shaved my legs

we are now at the point where i go to the doctor once a week until kiddo comes. this morning i had to have a swab taken to test for group b strep which is a bacteria 40% of women carry in their digestive or reproductive systems. it's harmless to me but can be harmful to kiddo if she gets it during birth. the test is vastly quicker than your usual pelvic exam/pap smear but DON'T BE FOOLED LADIES, this is not as comfortable. good God. could we use anything more uncomfortable and less lubricated than a cotton swab? how about two swabs and no speculum? i mean, i'm sure it's nothing compared to what i'll go through in labor, but still.

kiddo is still happy and healthy as far as anyone can tell, nice strong heartbeat. she is also head-down, which i hear is GREAT for birthing babies. i had kind of figured she was already head-down because when she gets the hiccups i can feel it down by my left hip. apparently doc could feel the top of her head when she did the exam (and apparently i'm not dilated at all either, which is a good thing). i had no idea. i called brian and told him that he could probably feel the head also and did he want to try when he got home from work tonight? thankfully he declined because that would be too weird.

and yes, i even managed to shave my legs. which tells you how weird pregnancy is: i shaved my legs for my doctor, but i don't bother for my husband.

we are at: 35 weeks 1 day.

who designed these pants? i mean, seriously.

things non-pregnant people take for granted:

- wine with dinner.
- sex.
- sleeping on your stomach.
- sleeping, in general.
- side zippers.
- finding clothes that fit.
- finding clothes that fit and actually resemble something they might want to wear from a selection of three racks in the ENTIRE STORE.
- getting in and out of the car.
- getting up from a chair.
- energy.
- tying their shoes or giving themselves a pedicure.
- actually fitting into any shoes other than flip-flops.
- climbing stairs.
- lack of stretch marks.
- sanity.

we are at: 34 weeks 1 day.

7 weeks and counting

doctor's appointment this morning, everything is still looking good which is always reassuring to hear. also reassuring to hear the kiddo's heartbeat, which was strong and clear. and LOUD, boy was she ever loud. louder than i have heard her heartbeat thus far. the checkups start coming faster now - another one in two weeks, and then every week thereafter until i deliver.

next week i will be tested for group b strep, a harmless (to me) bacteria that can be passed to kiddo during delivery. i'll have to have antibiotics at some point during delivery and kiddo will need to be monitored for at least 24 hours after delivery if i test positive. about 40% of women do, apparently. at the moment, an enforced rest for 24 hours in the hospital sounds mighty good to me. home is feeling a little scary, where it will be just brian and me on our own with this kiddo. granted, my mom will be there, but... kiddos don't come with instruction manuals.

i cannot express how much i want this kid. as scary as the prospect of becoming a mom is to me, i want this kid more than i think i've ever wanted anything in my life. healthy and safe and in my arms. possibly more than i wanted to marry brian. i've heard loving and wanting your children doesn't get any better when you can actually hold them and see them and kiss them.

we are at: 33 weeks.