sugar, oh honey honey

i have had more blood drawn for this kiddo than i ever had in my entire life. i've had more tests done than i ever had in my entire life. case in point: last night i went to the lab to have my blood glucose test done, to check for gestational diabetes. i presume my medical group recommends the test for all expectant mothers (some doctors recommend it based on risk factors) though i do meet one of the criteria for an increased risk of gestational diabetes being that i am over 25.

it was an easy test, i just drank a cup and half of this orange flavored sugar water. i was expecting it to be awful, like drinking syrup, but it was actually not so bad. not that i'd want it every day, but it wasn't horrendous. it was a little carbonated so it was basically like orange soda except not so soda-y. then i had to sit for an hour which was the most annoying part, because i wanted to run out to the grocery store but the lab tech said NO ACTIVITY. it's not like i was going to go run a marathon but good thing i brought my book.

my dad insisted to me that it would be a simple finger prick but oh no, it was a full-on blood draw. they actually took two vials of blood and did a cbc test as well, i assume to make sure i'm not becoming anemic? it was the same test i had done back in september when i was newly pregnant, to make sure i have enough white blood cells and red blood cells and hemoglobin and stuff. and i actually already have the results of both tests which is the nice thing about my medical group, they get stuff done quick. all the bloodwork seems fine (within normal ranges) and my blood glucose level was 134 mg/dL. an "abnormal" result would be over 140 mc/dL, at which point they would do further testing for gestational diabetes.

results will be discussed at our next appointment (in about a week and a half) and i have a feeling there will be no cause for concern. after all, i'm normal... i just don't like being on the high (or low) end of normal. probably just the recommendation to eat a bit more carefully - more complex carbohydrates, less juice - and exercise more. so, we'll see.

we are at: 27 weeks 3 days.

i take back everything i ever said about maternity clothes

yes, those are maternity jeans and yes i love them. they are insanely comfortable. as much as i hated the idea of it, i absolutely love that tummy panel in my pants. much more so than low-rise pants that button under the belly.


doing my best with the lotion not to get stretch marks but i think i'm fighting a losing battle.

we are at: 26 weeks 5 days.

except at christmas, you don't have to go through labor to get your present

i'm thinking being pregnant is a lot like christmastime. there's the whole build-up and anticipation and preparation, decorating, all that kind of thing. everything has to be done in time for the big day. and what a whole lot of stress too. how are we going to find the money for all of this?

and then the big day comes, and you have presents to play with afterwards. except i generally don't pack on 15 pounds (so far) in anticipation of christmas, and i don't get 6 weeks paid time off from work afterwards to recover (though Lord knows sometimes it feels like i could use it!).

we are at: 26 weeks 1 day.

i'm normal! the doctors (and the voices) all say so!

i had an appointment this morning in the psych department to make sure i'm not mental, and let me tell you how fun it is to tell your husband that you are going to see a shrink when he already thinks you're psychotic!

ever since my breakdown day six weeks ago i have been somewhat concerned that about postpartum depression, especially because i don't want to miss any part of my baby's life if i can help it. then last week i had an awful dream about raging at my husband, throwing things, kicking doors, generally throwing a temper tantrum and destroying the house and while i don't think that dreams mean i have unresolved issues with my father i do think they are your mind's way of working out issues you otherwise can't get out during your waking day. i woke up sweaty and panicky and wondered hmmmmm, what's going on here that we need to deal with? and promptly called psych and made an appointment to chat with someone.

(the appointment guy was so funny on the phone too - he said, what seems to be the issue that you'd like to talk to someone about? i said, i'm pregnant. he said, and...? i said, isn't that enough?)

after discussing my history (none) and concerns (myriad) with the psychiatrist, she deemed me normal, and you can't cure normal. i may feel crazy but that doesn't mean i am, apparently. most of my difficulty with being pregnant seems to come from my pre-pregnancy expectation that even with morning sickness and stretch marks and round ligament pain, being pregnant would be such a happy and enjoyable time, the best of my life, rainbows and singing angels, la la la. i mean, how hard can it be, really? it's not like you have to wake up every other hour to breastfeed or soothe a baby who won't stop crying or change a poopy diaper or figure out how to pay for daycare. it's regular life with a bigger belly, i thought. how wrong i have been! and that seems to be my difficulty: the adjustment i'm needing to make in my expectations of what pregnancy should be and what it actually is. reconciling my idea of pregnancy with the reality of it, and the reality is that i love being pregnant and despise it all at the same time.

while not discouraging me from the appointment, brian had also let me know that he also thought i was normal and just experiencing normal pregnancy craziness. no crazier than usual, i think those were his exact words. i told the doctor my husband would either say i told you so when i told him she said i was normal, or else he wouldn't believe me. ha! i also don't have any of the risk factors for postpartum depression save some "emotional instability" (is that a nice enough way of putting it?) when i'm pms-ing. that doesn't mean i'm completely out of the clear of course but relieves of the anxiety in my mind about it. if she's not concerned then neither am i.

we are at: 25 weeks 3 days.

wherein everything progresses right on schedule

another routine checkup today and everything seems to be right on track where it is supposed to be. i am measuring 25 cm fundal height, which is supposed to (and does) correspond with the number of weeks along. blood pressure is fine though it has not been an issue save one minor hiccup last month, which personally i think is attributable to the stress of not being able to pee before the ultrasound. according to the doctor i am gaining enough weight but not too much and am neither too large nor too small in the belly. she had reviewed our ultrasound with the tech and everything looks normal. we heard our gal's heartbeat again, nice and strong, 150 bpm.

this time we left with a handful of paperwork. it seems like every visit is the same with some little added twist and this time it was the paperwork. lab slips and instructions for my blood glucose test which is am supposed to do between weeks 27 and 28. the dvd for our newborn care class (part of the birthing class we signed up for) that we have to watch. more information about how things should be progressing in the next couple weeks. a card for tracking kick counts (starting in week 28) which i thought was not really done so much anymore but i guess i am wrong or maybe my doctor is just old-school. an online video to watch that i signed up for a while back but can't remember what it is for, maybe about pain relief during labor? and of course we have to make a birth plan. brian was pretty insistent that he did not want to cut the cord and actually turned a little green when i asked him about it, but he was offended that i want my mother there during delivery in case he passes out, go figure.

next weekend or so we will start in on decorating the nursery, now that i have cleaned out my sewing room to make room for the baby. we have settled on lavendar for the walls but not yet agreed on which lavender. i am not a huge fan of lavender in particular and purple in general so i am leaning towards more of a pinky lavendar which brian wants a bluer, cooler shade. we also have to figure out what we want for a crib so we can let my dad know as he has generously offered to build us a crib. and we have to find a dresser. and i have to get the rest of my crap out of there so we actually have a place to put things. oy!

we are at: 25 weeks.

finally!

brian finally felt the baby kick this weekend!

she is getting to be pretty active for most of the day now, and in the evenings i can watch my tummy ripple and move when she kicks.

the look on his face when he first felt his kid was priceless.

we are at: 24 weeks.

take that, brian

looks just like our u/s photo, the one of the "parts" at least. betcha we really are having a girl, mr it-still-has-time-to-grow.

we are at: 23 weeks 4 days.

there really is a baby in there

monday night, at 23 weeks exactly:


i don't know if the angle of the picture i took is making me look rounder or what, i am not standing 90° to the camera nor am i standing straight on, obviously. i stood up as straight as i could because my sister is convinced i am HUGE for 5 months and sticking my belly out. in this photo i am not even relaxed and any curve in my back is the natural curve of my spine, probably visually enhanced by that huge round ass back there, the one that only seems to be getting bigger. according to the pregnancy books i look like the 5 month drawings so who knows. is this normal? i've never been pregnant so i don't know.

sleep is somewhat better though getting uncomfortable, and i still have 4 more months of growing to go. to get around sleeping on my side, i've kind of accomodated by "leaning" on my stomach, kind of at an angle so i don't put too much pressure on my belly, but now even that is getting uncomfortable. this gal is getting big enough too that laying on my back for more than about 10 minutes is uncomfortable, since her weight is enough to push on whatever organs are behind my uterus.

at least we're on the downhill stretch!

we are at: 23 weeks 3 days.

confirmed: i am female.

finally found out the results of the chromosome test: 46XX, which means i have 46 chromosomes (23 pairs) and the two sex chromosomes are both X, which means i'm a girl. because i might not have figured that out from the boobs and the pregnant belly and the girl parts. ahh, the wonders of modern science.

the test showed no signs of a translocation, which is nice to know. so any issues kiddo may have won't be coming from my genes.

we are at: 22 weeks 5 days.

mama recommends: in praise of the bella band

how did i get pregnant without knowing about this wonderful piece of clothing? my sister, who has never been pregnant, turned me on to the bella band. how is it that i missed this?

can i tell you how much i love it? i can wear my nice trousers to work again! hallelujah! and it keeps my tummy warm, and since i am always cold, anything over my skin is a blessing. it also covers up that space between my thermal top and bottoms where my belly pokes out under my clothes. l.o.v.e. it.

please have a drink (or two or three) on my behalf

today is a discouraging day. i feel like my life, especially lately, is one of constantly accomodating everyone else and being pregnant has brought this into sharp focus. even my body is no longer my own! my stomach and bladder are being pushed out of the way to make room for this growing kidlet and while i am really glad she is coming on board to grow our family, i really wish we could hurry up and get her here so i don't have to be pregnant anymore. i can't eat what i want to eat because i have to make sure the baby is healthy. can i tell you how much it sucks to have delicious cheese in front of me, knowing i can't have any while everyone else is enjoying it? and what i wouldn't give for a glass of wine right now. or an excedrin.

what is most discouraging and depressing is that i want so badly to be enjoying this time, because i know how precious it is. i know how drastically everything will change once the baby comes, and that kids are not for just 18 years but forever, and the times i want for us to be young and unburdened and free are right now and not when our kids are grown. and i know i can't have it both ways, because i've wanted to start having kids for a long time, because i know i'm getting "older," but i also feel like i'm just starting to hit my stride in life and now this. but i want to enjoy this, and i want to enjoy every single second that she is teeny, because she will only be teeny for a little while and then she will be an adult, for so long.

and part of me hates myself for wanting so badly to be done with being pregnant, because i (perversely?) actually like my pregnant belly, even as i hate it for keeping me out of my regular clothes. i love feeling her kick inside me and i love knowing that i am growing another little human being within my body.

mostly i wish my husband understood how much i hate being pregnant, how much i want my normal life back, and how unhappy i am about it most of the time.

we are at: 21 weeks 5 days.

it's a...

we were actually able to wait and open the envelope on christmas day. we opened it alone and the announced to our families, and we were actually nervous before we opened the envelope. i felt a bit like i did on our wedding day, which is strange, because it's not like there was possibly bad news inside. (it's not like that was a bad day, either!)

turns out we are having... a little girl!

the ultrasound tech was 99.9% sure and said we could confidently paint the nursery.

i started crying when i saw the note on the ultrasound picture. i think i had secretly wanted a little girl, but only a teeny bit more than a little boy. i would have been more than thrilled with another little guy in the house. i still do want boys.

now of course we have to have the endless debate about what to name her. brian says i don't like anything he suggests, but to be fair he doesn't like anything i suggest either. we do have a shortlist of the few that we are both agreed on. i personally don't have a need to give her a name right now! seeing as how we still have four more months to change our minds, but we'll see.

we are at: 21 weeks.

now available for viewing

if these are kind of funky-looking, it's because i couldn't get my scanner at home to work properly this morning and so had to print the photo, scan, and edit at work. it's a long story.

here is our little person, just hanging out:

and sucking his/her thumb!

i think those little teeny fingers are just about the most amazing thing i have ever seen. along those same lines, the u/s tech also showed us his/her teeny little feet, from the bottom up (as if spot were standing on the camera), and we could see all the little toes. amazing.

we are at: 20 weeks 1 day.

the big one!

so, i forgot to scan the ultrasound pictures from this morning. i'll post those tomorrow or so.

to sum it up: it was wonderful to see our little person, and it was just as awful as i thought it would be. worse, even. the joke in my family is that i have a bladder the size of a thimble (exacerbated by road trips, of course). unfortunately this was confirmed by the u/s tech, who told me, "wow, you're really full!" then while i was in the bathroom she told brian i have a very small bladder, and that i didn't need to have drank the full 32 ounces of water. i could have been fine with half of that, she said. so our regular checkup before the u/s, the wait, and the beginning of the u/s were pretty awful. and just think, labor is even more fun than that! such things to come!

on the wonderful side: i laid down on the table for our checkup and the doctor said, "my, you're distended!" which i guess is a nice way of saying i have a good pregnant belly. she also listened to baby's heartbeat which was 140 beats per minute. mil thinks it will be a boy because last time the heartbeat was 120 bpm, and apparently slower means boy and faster means girl. so i guess this throws that whole theory out the window. or maybe we're having a hermaphrodite.

we waddled (well, i did) down to radiology where i saw the line to register and almost cried. and then waited, and waited, and waited some more. we were early for the appointment, hoping they could get us in early, so every second felt like an eternity to me and my full bladder. and i hate needles, but i told brian i'd rather get another couple blood draws than do this u/s again.

the u/s tech got some great photos and man are they thorough. she took about 40-45 minutes to do the full scan and they check for everything. at one point she mentioned that she was trying to check spot's lip but he/she had its hands over its face. i think our little person was a little sleepy too, because spot was not as wiggly as it has been in the past. this u/s was later in the morning than our usual appointments and in the last two weeks i have been able to feel him/her moving around and kicking earlier in the mornings. (conveniently this morning, right on my full bladder!) she also was able to tell the sex, but she didn't tell us. she said she was 99.9% sure, and we have the answer and a picture of the "parts" in a sealed envelope to be opened on christmas.

so we're on pins and needles for the next few days. on the bright side, the u/s tech said everything looks perfectly healthy and spot seems to be developing normally. we haven't had anything come back that would give us any cause for concern, so it seems like we have a perfect little package in there.

on a slightly different note: the doctor said we never heard anything about the chromosome test because everything came back fine. i'm a girl! i have 46 chromosomes, all in the right places. (they refer to me as 46xx.) no evidence of a translocation. i'm perfectly normal, so brian has to find some other excuse for my crazy.

we are at: 20 weeks.

when being negative is a good thing

we got the results of my x-afp screening last night and i have never been so relieved, and so thankful for nothing! deep down i did not actually think there was a problem (all the ultrasounds have seemed to show normal development) but at the very least, the afp test often has a very high rate of false positive, often as high as 4/50 women tested.

according to the postcard from the lab, our baby has a 1/150 chance of having down syndrome, a 1/100 chance of having trisomy 18, and an even lesser chance of having anything else that they test for, like smith-lemli-opitz syndrome, neural tube defects, or abdominal wall defects. so i suppose there is still a chance - we could be that one in 100 - but the risk is so small that the doctor is not worried about anything.

no news on the chromosome test yet. i imagine we'll hear about that next week sometime.

yay!

we are at: 18 weeks 4 days.

touché, honey

last night when he came home from work and gave me a hug:

brian: "you know, i've never been with anyone whose belly got bigger every day!"

me: "huh."

brian: "YOU KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT."

we are at: 18 weeks 1 day.

have i mentioned

how cute and sweet it is that every monday morning, my husband wishes me "happy (x) weeks!"?

we are at: 18 weeks.

be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it

today i am scared of this baby.

i am also scared of putting this out here for everyone to see and read. i admire women who blog honestly about their emotions and experiences because i am not that brave. i am trying to be, if for no other reason than this baby is going to need a mother stronger than me. most days when i blog i try to pretend i have a whole slew of readers who are interested in what is going on in my life. today i am trying to pretend that no one reads this. i haven't kept a journal in years; maybe i should start again.

i didn't ever want to be pregnant. i have wanted to have babies and be a mom as long as i can remember, i just didn't want to be pregnant. i wish there were another way.

i am scared that everything i am feeling is not just hormones and normal. i am scared that i am going crazy, like seriously, institutionalized crazy.

i am scared i won't be a good mother.

i am scared of taking time off of work and how it will be when i go back to work.

i am afraid of leaving my baby in daycare, because right now we can't afford for me to not work. i am afraid something will happen to my baby if someone is watching him/her who doesn't love him/her as much as brian or i will.

i am afraid that being in daycare will mess up our child. 85% of a child's brain is developed by the time they are 5 years old, and i want brian and i to be the ones influencing that development, not a daycare worker.

i am afraid of how forgetful i am getting. everything i have read says that being forgetful is part of being pregnant, but i am scared i will accidentally burn the house down or forget something vital to my job and get fired.

i am afraid that i am hurting my baby when i take tylenol for a headache, even though the doctor said it was fine and doesn't cause any harm. there just comes a point where i can't handle the pain anymore.

i am terrified of giving birth. i am afraid of the pain and that i won't be able to do it. i am afraid of the epidural and the episiotomy and if i have to have a caesarean.

i am scared of the recovery afterwards and the bleeding.

i am worried that my baby won't be able to breastfeed.

i am scared that brian and i won't be able to agree on a name for the baby, and it will be named something awful that i can't stand, and i will have to call it that for the rest of my life.

i am worried about how we will manage when the baby comes and i am too exhausted to brush my teeth, let alone cook dinner for us. i am not so worried about brian surviving, but i have to eat healthy for myself and for the baby. brian can't cook and i am worried that i won't be able to depend on him.

i am afraid of how this baby will change my relationship with my husband, and how things will never be the same.

i am afraid that if i don't work, even for 6 or 8 weeks after the baby is born, that my husband will resent me because i am not contributing financially to our family.

i am worried that my husband won't appreciate the sheer work it will be to be a new mother, because i won't be getting up every morning and trudging off to the office for 8 hours.

i am afraid that the baby will be a burden on our family.

i am afraid that i will love the baby more than my husband. i am afraid that my husband will see that, and resent me and the baby.

i am afraid that my husband will be so tired when he comes home from work that he won't want to hug me or hold his baby, and i won't ever get a break.

i am afraid that i will want to go back to work, just to get away from my baby and interact with normal adult human beings for a while.

i am scared that my tears and stress and and headaches and negative emotions will hurt my baby.

i am worried that i don't want this baby enough, and i'm scared when sometimes i don't care that i am pregnant. sometimes i even wish i wasn't, and it isn't because i can't fit into my favorite jeans or have a glass of wine anymore.

i am afraid that i am alone, and i have to do this alone, and no one understands what i am feeling, least of all my husband. i am afraid that he doesn't know how to help me or comfort me, or that he is too afraid of making me more upset that he won't try.

i am afraid that you will read this and everyone will know how crazy i am, and i am afraid that you won't read this and no one will know how lonely being pregnant makes me feel.

we are at: 17 weeks 3 days.

moving?

i keep thinking i feel the baby move, but i am not sure, because i've never felt it before and i have no idea what i should be feeling. it doesn't feel like gas (one description i've read) nor does it feel like "butterflies" or "fluttering." and i keep thinking it might be too early to feel the baby. they say first-timers usually don't feel anything until 18-22 weeks and we are not quite there yet.

it is like nothing i've ever felt before and it is very inconsistent. almost like digesting, but not. kind of like a little scratch or rub at the side of my stomach.

am i nuts? is it just pregnancy weirdness? my mom said she was 20 weeks exactly when she felt me first kick, and she had fallen asleep and it woke her up. these are nothing that would wake me up.

what did it feel like for you, and how did you know it was the baby and not just something else?

we are at: 17 weeks 2 days.

stuck again

last night i went in to the lab to get more blood drawn. i should point out here that i detest needles and can't even look at a syringe without cringing. this time it was for my x-afp test, which tests for four proteins (including alpha-fetoprotein) produced by the baby and carried in mom's bloodstream. abnormal levels of these proteins can indicate chromosomal defects such as down syndrome and trisomy 18 as well as non-hereditary defects like neural tube defects. we are not as concerned about genetic defects because both brian and i have pretty good genes, but non-hereditary - random - defects do concern me, especially since a friend recently lost her baby to anencephaly and i saw how heartbreaking that was and continues to be for her and her husband.

a second vial was also drawn for a chromosome test on me. again, brian and i are not terribly concerned, but we figure the more information we have at our fingertips, the better. the test is going to look for chromosome translocation in me and could be a remote possibility (and an even more remote chance of a birth defect) because of my mother's history of miscarriage (she had four before me); my father's direct, severe, and repeated exposure to agent orange during his tour in vietnam in 1968-69; and his brother's (my uncle's) mental retardation. if there is a translocation, likely it is balanced since i have no problems, but it could cause problems for a baby. again, the likelihood of a problem is minute, but i figured it's no more hassle for the lab to draw an extra vial and run an extra test and we get more information this way. also, it's not something we would need to do with subsequent babies, since it's not like my chromosomes are going to change.

this whole pregnancy has certainly been a learning experience for me. we'll have the results from the tests back in about 2-3 weeks.

we are at: 17 weeks 1 day.