i'm thinking, why can't i have a glass of wine when i go into labor? or two, or three, or four? to take the edge off. i mean, what can it hurt? the baby's obviously done developing if it's laboring to come out.
come to think of it, why can't they just pour red wine directly into my iv?
we are at: 25 weeks 4 days.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
i'm normal! the doctors (and the voices) all say so!
i had an appointment this morning in the psych department to make sure i'm not mental, and let me tell you how fun it is to tell your husband that you are going to see a shrink when he already thinks you're psychotic!
ever since my breakdown day six weeks ago i have been somewhat concerned that about postpartum depression, especially because i don't want to miss any part of my baby's life if i can help it. then last week i had an awful dream about raging at my husband, throwing things, kicking doors, generally throwing a temper tantrum and destroying the house and while i don't think that dreams mean i have unresolved issues with my father i do think they are your mind's way of working out issues you otherwise can't get out during your waking day. i woke up sweaty and panicky and wondered hmmmmm, what's going on here that we need to deal with? and promptly called psych and made an appointment to chat with someone.
(the appointment guy was so funny on the phone too - he said, what seems to be the issue that you'd like to talk to someone about? i said, i'm pregnant. he said, and...? i said, isn't that enough?)
after discussing my history (none) and concerns (myriad) with the psychiatrist, she deemed me normal, and you can't cure normal. i may feel crazy but that doesn't mean i am, apparently. most of my difficulty with being pregnant seems to come from my pre-pregnancy expectation that even with morning sickness and stretch marks and round ligament pain, being pregnant would be such a happy and enjoyable time, the best of my life, rainbows and singing angels, la la la. i mean, how hard can it be, really? it's not like you have to wake up every other hour to breastfeed or soothe a baby who won't stop crying or change a poopy diaper or figure out how to pay for daycare. it's regular life with a bigger belly, i thought. how wrong i have been! and that seems to be my difficulty: the adjustment i'm needing to make in my expectations of what pregnancy should be and what it actually is. reconciling my idea of pregnancy with the reality of it, and the reality is that i love being pregnant and despise it all at the same time.
while not discouraging me from the appointment, brian had also let me know that he also thought i was normal and just experiencing normal pregnancy craziness. no crazier than usual, i think those were his exact words. i told the doctor my husband would either say i told you so when i told him she said i was normal, or else he wouldn't believe me. ha! i also don't have any of the risk factors for postpartum depression save some "emotional instability" (is that a nice enough way of putting it?) when i'm pms-ing. that doesn't mean i'm completely out of the clear of course but relieves of the anxiety in my mind about it. if she's not concerned then neither am i.
we are at: 25 weeks 3 days.
ever since my breakdown day six weeks ago i have been somewhat concerned that about postpartum depression, especially because i don't want to miss any part of my baby's life if i can help it. then last week i had an awful dream about raging at my husband, throwing things, kicking doors, generally throwing a temper tantrum and destroying the house and while i don't think that dreams mean i have unresolved issues with my father i do think they are your mind's way of working out issues you otherwise can't get out during your waking day. i woke up sweaty and panicky and wondered hmmmmm, what's going on here that we need to deal with? and promptly called psych and made an appointment to chat with someone.
(the appointment guy was so funny on the phone too - he said, what seems to be the issue that you'd like to talk to someone about? i said, i'm pregnant. he said, and...? i said, isn't that enough?)
after discussing my history (none) and concerns (myriad) with the psychiatrist, she deemed me normal, and you can't cure normal. i may feel crazy but that doesn't mean i am, apparently. most of my difficulty with being pregnant seems to come from my pre-pregnancy expectation that even with morning sickness and stretch marks and round ligament pain, being pregnant would be such a happy and enjoyable time, the best of my life, rainbows and singing angels, la la la. i mean, how hard can it be, really? it's not like you have to wake up every other hour to breastfeed or soothe a baby who won't stop crying or change a poopy diaper or figure out how to pay for daycare. it's regular life with a bigger belly, i thought. how wrong i have been! and that seems to be my difficulty: the adjustment i'm needing to make in my expectations of what pregnancy should be and what it actually is. reconciling my idea of pregnancy with the reality of it, and the reality is that i love being pregnant and despise it all at the same time.
while not discouraging me from the appointment, brian had also let me know that he also thought i was normal and just experiencing normal pregnancy craziness. no crazier than usual, i think those were his exact words. i told the doctor my husband would either say i told you so when i told him she said i was normal, or else he wouldn't believe me. ha! i also don't have any of the risk factors for postpartum depression save some "emotional instability" (is that a nice enough way of putting it?) when i'm pms-ing. that doesn't mean i'm completely out of the clear of course but relieves of the anxiety in my mind about it. if she's not concerned then neither am i.
we are at: 25 weeks 3 days.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
sit down and buckle up
took my car over to the fire department this morning to have them check the installation of our car seat. it didn't seem too terribly difficult to install but then again owner's manuals are not the easiest things to decipher, are they? my mother generously got us a graco quattro tour travel system which is this behemoth stroller and a carrier that snaps into a car seat base. it looks pretty easy to use but i was not sure how to install it in my 1999 honda, which is old enough that it does not have that LATCH system that seems pretty simplistic to use. i have read for years that something like 80% of all car seats are installed incorrectly and are therefore at risk of not protecting your baby in a crash, and while i don't anticipate having an accident, i want to be sure the car seat does what it is supposed to do if that happens. i think i would kill myself if my baby was hurt because i didn't take the time to make sure i was putting the car seat in correctly.
it was kind of a fun experience, i had never actually been in a fire station before. maybe when i was in preschool but i don't remember it. they had me pull my car into the garage which i didn't expect - right in there with the big trucks! and man is that garage huge.
i had tried installing the car seat yesterday and i thought i had gotten it in properly. good thing i went because it turned out that it could have been a lot better. i didn't install it wrong or badly... but it could have been a lot more secure. the instructions in the manual did not seem very clear to me and i did not realize that there is a ratcheting mechanism in the rear seat belts that locks the shoulder belt into place. that locking mechanism meant i could use the base and make sure it was strapped securely into the backseat. (the way i had it done before, i couldn't use the base.) the base is convenient because i can just pop out the carrier and take our gal into the grocery store or bank or wherever without having to unhook her from the car seat. and it's really easy to secure the base into the car and remove it later, if we want to put it in brian's car or something.
and, not to turn this into a product pitch, but the firefighter gal who did the seat check said they have found that the graco systems that we have are a great combination of safety and convenience and ease of use for parents. she said a lot of parents really like them, and the firefighters like them as well because they are easy to use safely. so kudos to my mother who picked up our travel system!
we are at: 25 weeks 2 days.
it was kind of a fun experience, i had never actually been in a fire station before. maybe when i was in preschool but i don't remember it. they had me pull my car into the garage which i didn't expect - right in there with the big trucks! and man is that garage huge.
i had tried installing the car seat yesterday and i thought i had gotten it in properly. good thing i went because it turned out that it could have been a lot better. i didn't install it wrong or badly... but it could have been a lot more secure. the instructions in the manual did not seem very clear to me and i did not realize that there is a ratcheting mechanism in the rear seat belts that locks the shoulder belt into place. that locking mechanism meant i could use the base and make sure it was strapped securely into the backseat. (the way i had it done before, i couldn't use the base.) the base is convenient because i can just pop out the carrier and take our gal into the grocery store or bank or wherever without having to unhook her from the car seat. and it's really easy to secure the base into the car and remove it later, if we want to put it in brian's car or something.
and, not to turn this into a product pitch, but the firefighter gal who did the seat check said they have found that the graco systems that we have are a great combination of safety and convenience and ease of use for parents. she said a lot of parents really like them, and the firefighters like them as well because they are easy to use safely. so kudos to my mother who picked up our travel system!
we are at: 25 weeks 2 days.
Monday, January 26, 2009
wherein everything progresses right on schedule
another routine checkup today and everything seems to be right on track where it is supposed to be. i am measuring 25 cm fundal height, which is supposed to (and does) correspond with the number of weeks along. blood pressure is fine though it has not been an issue save one minor hiccup last month, which personally i think is attributable to the stress of not being able to pee before the ultrasound. according to the doctor i am gaining enough weight but not too much and am neither too large nor too small in the belly. she had reviewed our ultrasound with the tech and everything looks normal. we heard our gal's heartbeat again, nice and strong, 150 bpm.
this time we left with a handful of paperwork. it seems like every visit is the same with some little added twist and this time it was the paperwork. lab slips and instructions for my blood glucose test which is am supposed to do between weeks 27 and 28. the dvd for our newborn care class (part of the birthing class we signed up for) that we have to watch. more information about how things should be progressing in the next couple weeks. a card for tracking kick counts (starting in week 28) which i thought was not really done so much anymore but i guess i am wrong or maybe my doctor is just old-school. an online video to watch that i signed up for a while back but can't remember what it is for, maybe about pain relief during labor? and of course we have to make a birth plan. brian was pretty insistent that he did not want to cut the cord and actually turned a little green when i asked him about it, but he was offended that i want my mother there during delivery in case he passes out, go figure.
next weekend or so we will start in on decorating the nursery, now that i have cleaned out my sewing room to make room for the baby. we have settled on lavendar for the walls but not yet agreed on which lavender. i am not a huge fan of lavender in particular and purple in general so i am leaning towards more of a pinky lavendar which brian wants a bluer, cooler shade. we also have to figure out what we want for a crib so we can let my dad know as he has generously offered to build us a crib. and we have to find a dresser. and i have to get the rest of my crap out of there so we actually have a place to put things. oy!
we are at: 25 weeks.
this time we left with a handful of paperwork. it seems like every visit is the same with some little added twist and this time it was the paperwork. lab slips and instructions for my blood glucose test which is am supposed to do between weeks 27 and 28. the dvd for our newborn care class (part of the birthing class we signed up for) that we have to watch. more information about how things should be progressing in the next couple weeks. a card for tracking kick counts (starting in week 28) which i thought was not really done so much anymore but i guess i am wrong or maybe my doctor is just old-school. an online video to watch that i signed up for a while back but can't remember what it is for, maybe about pain relief during labor? and of course we have to make a birth plan. brian was pretty insistent that he did not want to cut the cord and actually turned a little green when i asked him about it, but he was offended that i want my mother there during delivery in case he passes out, go figure.
next weekend or so we will start in on decorating the nursery, now that i have cleaned out my sewing room to make room for the baby. we have settled on lavendar for the walls but not yet agreed on which lavender. i am not a huge fan of lavender in particular and purple in general so i am leaning towards more of a pinky lavendar which brian wants a bluer, cooler shade. we also have to figure out what we want for a crib so we can let my dad know as he has generously offered to build us a crib. and we have to find a dresser. and i have to get the rest of my crap out of there so we actually have a place to put things. oy!
we are at: 25 weeks.
Monday, January 19, 2009
finally!
brian finally felt the baby kick this weekend!
she is getting to be pretty active for most of the day now, and in the evenings i can watch my tummy ripple and move when she kicks.
the look on his face when he first felt his kid was priceless.
we are at: 24 weeks.
she is getting to be pretty active for most of the day now, and in the evenings i can watch my tummy ripple and move when she kicks.
the look on his face when he first felt his kid was priceless.
we are at: 24 weeks.
Friday, January 16, 2009
take that, brian
looks just like our u/s photo, the one of the "parts" at least. betcha we really are having a girl, mr it-still-has-time-to-grow.
we are at: 23 weeks 4 days.
we are at: 23 weeks 4 days.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
there really is a baby in there
monday night, at 23 weeks exactly:
i don't know if the angle of the picture i took is making me look rounder or what, i am not standing 90° to the camera nor am i standing straight on, obviously. i stood up as straight as i could because my sister is convinced i am HUGE for 5 months and sticking my belly out. in this photo i am not even relaxed and any curve in my back is the natural curve of my spine, probably visually enhanced by that huge round ass back there, the one that only seems to be getting bigger. according to the pregnancy books i look like the 5 month drawings so who knows. is this normal? i've never been pregnant so i don't know.
sleep is somewhat better though getting uncomfortable, and i still have 4 more months of growing to go. to get around sleeping on my side, i've kind of accomodated by "leaning" on my stomach, kind of at an angle so i don't put too much pressure on my belly, but now even that is getting uncomfortable. this gal is getting big enough too that laying on my back for more than about 10 minutes is uncomfortable, since her weight is enough to push on whatever organs are behind my uterus.
at least we're on the downhill stretch!
we are at: 23 weeks 3 days.
i don't know if the angle of the picture i took is making me look rounder or what, i am not standing 90° to the camera nor am i standing straight on, obviously. i stood up as straight as i could because my sister is convinced i am HUGE for 5 months and sticking my belly out. in this photo i am not even relaxed and any curve in my back is the natural curve of my spine, probably visually enhanced by that huge round ass back there, the one that only seems to be getting bigger. according to the pregnancy books i look like the 5 month drawings so who knows. is this normal? i've never been pregnant so i don't know.
sleep is somewhat better though getting uncomfortable, and i still have 4 more months of growing to go. to get around sleeping on my side, i've kind of accomodated by "leaning" on my stomach, kind of at an angle so i don't put too much pressure on my belly, but now even that is getting uncomfortable. this gal is getting big enough too that laying on my back for more than about 10 minutes is uncomfortable, since her weight is enough to push on whatever organs are behind my uterus.
at least we're on the downhill stretch!
we are at: 23 weeks 3 days.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
confirmed: i am female.
finally found out the results of the chromosome test: 46XX, which means i have 46 chromosomes (23 pairs) and the two sex chromosomes are both X, which means i'm a girl. because i might not have figured that out from the boobs and the pregnant belly and the girl parts. ahh, the wonders of modern science.
the test showed no signs of a translocation, which is nice to know. so any issues kiddo may have won't be coming from my genes.
we are at: 22 weeks 5 days.
the test showed no signs of a translocation, which is nice to know. so any issues kiddo may have won't be coming from my genes.
we are at: 22 weeks 5 days.
Friday, January 9, 2009
mama recommends: in praise of the bella band
how did i get pregnant without knowing about this wonderful piece of clothing? my sister, who has never been pregnant, turned me on to the bella band. how is it that i missed this?
can i tell you how much i love it? i can wear my nice trousers to work again! hallelujah! and it keeps my tummy warm, and since i am always cold, anything over my skin is a blessing. it also covers up that space between my thermal top and bottoms where my belly pokes out under my clothes. l.o.v.e. it.
can i tell you how much i love it? i can wear my nice trousers to work again! hallelujah! and it keeps my tummy warm, and since i am always cold, anything over my skin is a blessing. it also covers up that space between my thermal top and bottoms where my belly pokes out under my clothes. l.o.v.e. it.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
please have a drink (or two or three) on my behalf
today is a discouraging day. i feel like my life, especially lately, is one of constantly accomodating everyone else and being pregnant has brought this into sharp focus. even my body is no longer my own! my stomach and bladder are being pushed out of the way to make room for this growing kidlet and while i am really glad she is coming on board to grow our family, i really wish we could hurry up and get her here so i don't have to be pregnant anymore. i can't eat what i want to eat because i have to make sure the baby is healthy. can i tell you how much it sucks to have delicious cheese in front of me, knowing i can't have any while everyone else is enjoying it? and what i wouldn't give for a glass of wine right now. or an excedrin.
what is most discouraging and depressing is that i want so badly to be enjoying this time, because i know how precious it is. i know how drastically everything will change once the baby comes, and that kids are not for just 18 years but forever, and the times i want for us to be young and unburdened and free are right now and not when our kids are grown. and i know i can't have it both ways, because i've wanted to start having kids for a long time, because i know i'm getting "older," but i also feel like i'm just starting to hit my stride in life and now this. but i want to enjoy this, and i want to enjoy every single second that she is teeny, because she will only be teeny for a little while and then she will be an adult, for so long.
and part of me hates myself for wanting so badly to be done with being pregnant, because i (perversely?) actually like my pregnant belly, even as i hate it for keeping me out of my regular clothes. i love feeling her kick inside me and i love knowing that i am growing another little human being within my body.
mostly i wish my husband understood how much i hate being pregnant, how much i want my normal life back, and how unhappy i am about it most of the time.
we are at: 21 weeks 5 days.
what is most discouraging and depressing is that i want so badly to be enjoying this time, because i know how precious it is. i know how drastically everything will change once the baby comes, and that kids are not for just 18 years but forever, and the times i want for us to be young and unburdened and free are right now and not when our kids are grown. and i know i can't have it both ways, because i've wanted to start having kids for a long time, because i know i'm getting "older," but i also feel like i'm just starting to hit my stride in life and now this. but i want to enjoy this, and i want to enjoy every single second that she is teeny, because she will only be teeny for a little while and then she will be an adult, for so long.
and part of me hates myself for wanting so badly to be done with being pregnant, because i (perversely?) actually like my pregnant belly, even as i hate it for keeping me out of my regular clothes. i love feeling her kick inside me and i love knowing that i am growing another little human being within my body.
mostly i wish my husband understood how much i hate being pregnant, how much i want my normal life back, and how unhappy i am about it most of the time.
we are at: 21 weeks 5 days.
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