continued

i've been prescribed zoloft, because it's safe for breastfeeding. the doctor i saw for medication was actually very supportive of continuing to breastfeed, which made me very happy. he feels that breastfeeding has some effect in "warding off" or lessening the symptoms of depression, and also feels that weaning could exacerbate my depression as well. yay for support! i feel very uneasy taking a drug that will change the way i think, so we'll see how it goes. apparently this is a temporary albeit long-term solution. i'll be on it for a while.

the downside is, i can no longer donate. i called the milk bank to be sure and they said that unfortunately zoloft is a disqualifier. this is disappointing because i really liked donating. it made me feel good, like i was giving back to society or something. so i just sent off my last cooler of milk, 95 ounces that i had had in my freezer, pumped before i began taking the zoloft. that brings us to a total of approximately 825 ounces donated. wow! i am very proud of that. my boobs are not to be trifled with.

it's been... a week. lots of doctors' appointments, a couple very bad days. family visiting this weekend and all the stress that comes with that beforehand - cleaning, finishing christmas gifts, so on and so forth. we are very excited for hannah's first christmas and keeping busy helps. a fun visit with family, who was very supportive and understanding - my stepmother revealed that she also struggled with depression after her son was born. the women in my mommy group were also very supportive as a number of them are struggling with similar issues. the house is clean which always makes for a happy home. hannah had an excellent day yesterday - the happiest i think i've ever seen her. maybe the happy drugs are working on her too? or maybe it is just that she had a happier mom.

postponed

here's my dirty little secret: i am struggling with postpartum depression.

i have suspected for a while that this was the root of a lot of issues in my life lately, and last night it was confirmed. i had a major meltdown - not my first, but the worst. i ended up sobbing in front of the bathroom sink with the counter doors open - i had cleaned out the sink the other day and found all of brian's painkillers leftover from his slipped disk. i thought i had put them under the sink but realized later that they went into the hall closet with the other leftover meds. (random aside: what do you do with all that stuff anyways, since you're not supposed to throw it in the trash or flush them? sell them on the street?) hannah was screaming and i thought about people who smother their babies with pillows. i thought, if i had to chose between her and brian right then, i would chose brian in a heartbeat. i thought, i am afraid of myself. then i left hannah with brian, got in my car, and drove to the emergency room where they confirmed that yes indeed it does sound like we are dealing with postpartum depression.

i had an intake appointment with a therapist this morning who confirmed that yes indeed, postpartum depression. if we can swing the $90 co-pays, i am to be enrolled in an intensive outpatient program. either way, it is likely that i will be prescribed meds. brian is not keen on meds especially since i am still breastfeeding, and both the psychologist at the hospital last night and the intake psychologist this morning were very keen on weaning. i understand everyone's cocnerns, but the research seems to indicate that it's safe to breastfeeding while on antidepressants (with a few specific exceptions). in this aspect i am not getting a lot of support which is extremely frustrating. brian is against meds in general, but that obviously isn't working since everything is getting worse. breastfeeding is important to me and helps me bond with hannah - i feel like i am doing something good for her when she nurses. i don't want to give that up and i don't think i should have to. lots of women are on antidepressants while they are pregnant even. [exhibit a: heather armstrong.] there are so many different antidepressants out there - surely we can come up with one and tailor the dosage low enough that i can continue to breastfeed.

i was concerned about this while i was pregnant. looking back, i have probably been mildly depressed for years, and being pregnant and then having a baby likely exacerbated everything. this is one time where i wish i wasn't right.

i want to enjoy my baby. i love her, i really do. i know i wouldn't ever hurt her. it's just that i feel so removed from her and some days, i really don't want her. that makes me feel so sad (and so guilty, and so angry), especially because she is so very wonderful and because i'm lucky enough to get to stay home with her that i should at least be enjoying it. i want to enjoy my husband, and my life. brian often points out how i am living my dream, and he's right - i am married to a wonderful man, i have a beautiful happy healthy baby, we live in a lovely house, i am a stay-at-home mom for my daughter, and i am starting my own business. i have everything that i've always wanted, and now i want to enjoy it.

edited: i'm not looking for sympathy or pity or anything like that. that's not why i posted this. i posted this because on a daily basis it is overwhelming to even try to comprehend what needs to be done just to survive. i dread waking up in the morning because the entire day stretches out in front of me and it just seems endless. i'm exhausted. that's all.

love letters: month seven

dear hannah,

today you are seven months old. seven months! we are more than halfway through a year now. a friend asked me the other day what was essential for me the first few weeks of your life, and i have to say i don't remember so much other than surviving and trying to figure out nursing. there was a teeny little baby at our mommy group yesterday, only 3 weeks old, and i held her and she was so light and small and tiny and precious and delicate. i can't believe you were once that small. the baby you have become has eclipsed the baby you were, and now all i can remember and think about is the wonderful girl you are now.


the holidays are upon us, full steam ahead, which means you had your first thanksgiving this past month. thank goodness you won't remember it because there was really nothing to remember. daddy worked (so he can take extra days off around christmas) and nana decided not to come up since we were going to see her in tahoe in a few days. so you and i just hung out all day, and then daddy brought home dinner from work and you tried turkey for the first time. you did NOT like it and gagged a couple times, and this is awful of me to say, but it is so stinking cute when you gag and your little tongue comes out.


that's your new favorite thing, by the way, your tongue. you stick it out the corner of your mouth all the time, as if you are concentrating really hard. it's so cute and sweet and i have no idea why you do it. you seem to do it most when you are happy, which you are a LOT. daddy and i always comment on what a happy baby you are. you are happy and content pretty much all the time, except when you are teething. you cut your two bottom teeth this month, both at the same time, and OY, your teething has been kicking my butt. wow. of course, you're not interested in the mesh teethers with ice in them or chewing on a frozen washcloth. you do like to chew on your fridge teethers, but only for a little while. you hate baby orajel and it is all i can do to keep you from spitting out teething tablets. tylenol, though. WOW. you think that stuff is candy.


we spent a week up at lake tahoe this month and you had your first taste of snow. well, you didn't actually taste it - you weren't that interested. i think you did not appreciate the cold, though. one morning daddy and i went tubing on the snow, and we switched off holding you so the other could tube. when i put you on a breeze came up and you screamed and screamed and screamed some more. i had you facing in to me and your little cheeks were so red, so i unzipped my fleece so you could be face in to me and draped my scarf around your head so you would be protected from the wind, and you fell asleep with your cold little nose pressed against my chest.


we also rode the cable car up to high camp and went ice skating up there, and your daddy wore you in the baby bjorn for the first time. i think maybe he thought it was a chick thing to do, wear one's baby, but once he saw how much you love being in the baby bjorn - not just being in the baby bjorn on mama - he fell in love with it too. after that i couldn't get you off of him, which was fine for you because you just adore him. i think the other thing that convinced your father to wear you was that his options were that or carry the diaper bag, which is really just an oversized handbag and VERY chick-ish.


we went sledding - even your nana sledded, she who is not adventurous! we even took you sledding, crazy parents that we are. we do a lot of "crazy" things like that that probably some people would say are irresponsible, but we are always careful to protect you. we went on a small hill and went pretty slowly for you and always kept our feet out so we could stop any time we needed to. you were pretty uninterested. i think maybe you just didn't know how you were supposed to react. is this supposed to be fun? and then - i sat you on the snow, and daddy came sledding down the hill, and you looked up to watch him. he sledded straight towards you and came to a stop behind you, and you freaked out and started screaming - and we laughed. i'm sorry, but it was funny. having a baby is a lot of fun.


i am constantly amazed too by how much you learn every month and how much you are growing. just this last week you have figured out how to play a repeating game with us, where you babble something and we make the same noise back to you. the first couple times you were kind of surprised that we did it, and then you figured it out. we do wonder if we're tormenting you by mimicking back "mama, i'm hungry," or "i'm lonely back here and i want to get out of this car seat, i hate it," but it's too much fun not to play. now this is what i have been waiting for with you - to play games and watch you learn and grow. you're amazing, sweetheart.


i love you, my banana.
love,
mama

baby food!

whyohwhyohwhy did i wait so long to make baby food? THIS STUFF IS AWESOME. for her, i mean. but maybe also for me? could be, her applesauce is DAMN good.

i guess i was just lazy, that is the only conceivable reason i can see why people would actually buy baby food instead of making their own. since it isn't really that difficult and it is more inconvenient to go to the supermarket every time the baby needs food and Lord knows it is insanely cheaper to make it. i did want those little plastic lidded containers that the gerber baby foods come in and all things considered i'm glad i have them.

i made carrots and applesauce yesterday, butternut squash (hannah's favorite!) and turkey today. i'm planning on doing some broccoli and green beans later today, but all the ice cube trays are full right now. carrots i steamed into oblivion on the stove - i usually do mine to crsip-tender, about 8 minutes, but hers i did for 25 so they would be soft enough to puree up nicely. apples i peeled, cored, and sliced (just like for apple crisp), covered with plastic wrap and stuck in the microwave for 2 minutes per apple with about a teaspoon of water per apple. butternut squash i also did in the microwave for about 12 minutes under plastic wrap. the turkey was leftover from dinner the other night. then i just stuck them in the food processor until they were nicely pureed. the applesauce i did add about a teaspoon of lemon juice (for 3 apples) to keep them from discoloring, and the turkey needed a good bit of breastmilk to make a decent puree because it gets so dry in the refrigerator. then i just spooned the puree into ice cube trays, froze them, and then popped them out into little bags. i figure one cube is about what she eats for breakfast and about half of what she eats at night.

there's no extra crap in them, not even the water that gerber adds to thin out their puree. just plain old goodness. how awesome is that? i figure too, that if for some reason we don't get through the food i make for her - if she's decides she's allergic to something or refuses to eat something and i can't trick her into opening her mouth - it's just fruit and vegetable puree. i can add it to meatloaf, soup, smoothies, pasta sauce.

i am so wicked excited by this. it's kind of eyebrow-raising to see me. i'm on a bit of a tear. maybe because we will be making another big milk donation in the next day or so and i'm feeling like my freezer won't be full enough?

a friend told me that you're not supposed to freeze baby food in uncovered ice cube trays because the nutrients escape. it would be just my luck if this were true, especially since i don't believe it. how do they escape? do the vitamins evaporate? do they grow legs and walk away?

education

brian has taken to "teaching" hannah. he is convinced that her first word needs to be "dada." to that end, i overheard him the other day:

"daddy says, da da da da da. woody says, meow meow meow meow meow. hannah says, wah wah wah wah wah. nana says, na na na na na. mama says, blah blah blah blah blah."

i might consider being insulted if it wasn't so. damn. cute.

happy thanksgiving!

brian and i are thankful for so many things this year and our beautiful banana is at the top of that list. we hope you have a wonderful holiday!

diaper sprayer tutorial

if you are going to use cloth diapers, you'll eventually want a diaper sprayer. once we started hannah on solids, her bowel movements got a bit firmer and i did not want to put that in my washer. swishing in the toilet got very old very quickly, so i built myself a diaper sprayer. it was insanely easy, and i am so ridiculously proud of myself. a friend had suggested i could make my own very inexpensively. it cost me about $25 to make; apparently you can buy them for about twice the price and i'm thinking the only difference is that those might look a little more streamlined.


this one is from pottypail.com. it retails for $34 plus $6 s&h and you still have to do some assembly/installation. mine was cheaper and required minimal additional effort.

i actually did not use jaimey's instructions, i just could not understand them. sorry jaimey! the general idea is about the same though (i think) and there is a great video tutorial here. first, shut off the water at the main valve behind the toilet, and flush the toilet once or twice to drain the tank. then disconnect the supply line from the tank and the water pipe. you will need a flexible supply line to install your diaper sprayer; you might have to look for a toilet in your home that has a flexible line. i put ours in the upstairs bathroom closest to hannah's room.

you will need two 3/8" barb adapters; one 3/8" x 3/8" x 3/8" tee barb connector; five 1/4" - 5/8" hose clamps; one kitchen sprayer assembly; and one ball valve. the ball valve should be either 1/4" or 3/8", depending on the size of the threaded end (MIP) of the barb adapters. i got 1/4" because the 3/8" valve looked bulkier. also, you may want to measure your toilet supply line to be sure that you don't need a 1/2" tee barb connector, but apparently only about 5% of homes in america have 1/2" connectors.

you will also need a hacksaw or a small hand saw, a couple monkey wrenches or a set of crescent wrenches, a screwdriver for the hose clamps (usually flathead), and some teflon tape. you might also want a hook to hang the sprayer on the wall; i just used a large cup hook that i bent a bit more open with a pair of pliers. i thought about taking pictures while i was making this, but i was so excited to get it done that i just did it.

using a hacksaw, cut the supply line in half. cut the fitting end off the kitchen sprayer assembly as close as possible to the fitting (you want as much tubing as possible), and then cut the tubing again about six inches down from the spray nozzle. you will end up with a spray nozzle with a short bit of tubing attached, and a long piece of tubing with nothing on either end.

slide a loosened hose clamp onto one of the supply line pieces, then work one end of the tee barb into the hose. do the same for the other side of the supply line and tighten the clamps with the screwdriver.

wrap the threaded ends of the barb adapters with teflon tape, then slide a loosened hose clamp onto the tubing attached to the spray nozzle. work the barb end of one adapter into the tubing, then tighten the clamp. do the same for one end of the rest of the tubing, then slide a hose clamp onto the other end, work it onto the third end of the tee barb, and tighten the clamp.

screw one end of the ball valve onto one of the threaded ends of the barb adapters in the sprayer tubing and tighten with the wrenches. you will need two wrenches, one to hold the tubing and one to tighten the valve. do the same to connect the other end of the ball valve to the sprayer tubing.

now your assembly is complete and you just need to reinstall your jury-rigged supply line back onto the water line and the toilet tank.


turn the water back on a little and open the valve, then spray the sprayer. you will probably need to play with the valve to see how much water pressure you need to spray your diapers.

the purpose of the ball valve is to prevent constant water pressue on the kitchen sprayer. the sprayer is just plastic and i did not want anything in the sprayer to fail and cause a flood. when the red lever is sticking out, the valve is closed; i just line up the lever with the tubing to open the valve and "turn on" the sprayer.



you can see i just screwed that mug hook into the wall to hold the sprayer. apparently this is also good for rinsing kiddos while they are taking a bath, though the water is not heated so i don't see why you'd want to spray your kids with freezing cold water. personally i think this will also be awesome for spraying down the tub/shower when i'm cleaning it.

all total this project took me about twenty minutes from start to finish.

i know it isn't a huge thing, building and installing this sprayer, but if you would like to come to my house and marvel at my handiwork you're more than welcome to!!

update: i used it for the first time last week and it works GREAT!! yay! also, i was thinking - this is a very easy thing to take with you if you move. just shut off the water to the toilet, take off the jury-rigged supply line/sprayer assembly, and reinstall a new (uncut) supply line. you could also easily install one in an apartment, just like you would your favorite showerhead.

cross-posted at éireann

babyproofing

for some reason i am inordinately proud of these:


that's my soaping cabinet. it's next to my refrigerator in the kitchen, a lower cabinet. it contains all the soaping supplies i use on a regular basis - herbs, colorants, oils, soap scraps. tools that could hurt The Kiddo. glass bottles that could break. essential oils and fragrance oils that could be fatal if ingested. sodium hydroxide - LYE - that will destroy her skin if she touches it. we have latches for all our cabinet drawers and lower doors, but i wanted something sturdier for the soaping cabinet. something with a key.

those are just cabinet locks that i picked up in the latches section of home depot, the same area where you would find those little locks that go on window frames. they have a flat or offset piece in the back that swings across the cabinet frame, blocking the door, and they are pretty darn strong. the same kind of thing you'd find on a filing cabinet in your office. for some reason i was a bit put off by this project but decided to just dive in and do it, and it ended up being very simple. i traced the frame on the back of the door (so i knew where the frame hit the door) and then marked where i wanted the lock. i drilled a hole the size of the lock completely through the door, then diassembled the lock, fit it into the hole, and reassembled it in the hole. the concept is the same as installing a new door handle.

also, i should have checked but ended up completely lucking out - the locks are sold individually but the two i grabbed off the rack ended up taking the same key. the package does note on the back which key they use (ours was something like # 21233). i don't know why i didn't think to make sure when i bought them because it would have been a massive pain in the butt if i had to use one key to get into the left side and a different key to get into the right side.

cross-posted at éireann

sleep training

ugh, i hate that phrase. it makes it sound like my baby is a dog or something. don't worry, we'll housebreak her soon.

we were not even going to be here or do this. we hit the four-month mark and that awful four-month sleep regression, and we decided we could handle this. mostly *i* could handle this, because i was working only part-time (and for the last month, not at all) and brian has to be on top of his game every day, often 12 hours a day, sometimes 6 days a week. we started co-sleeping part-time - hannah would nurse to sleep and then go in her crib, and when she woke up screaming and hungry because i hadn't fed her in about six years, i would get up and get into bed with her. i'd nurse her back to sleep and we'd sleep there together. i read dr sears' baby sleep book which was so on target with our feelings, and thought, we can do this! sleep is not an issue! she is only a tiny baby, and she has needs, and we will do what we can to fulfill those needs. it will not be like this forever and we will cherish it while we can. sleep will come and we will not push it before she is ready.

yeah. about that.

it was kind of the perfect storm that pushed us to start sleep teaching. (doesn't that sound nicer than "sleep training?") brian was VERY uncomfortable co-sleeping, so hannah and i would sleep together on an air mattress on the floor of her room. this worked very nicely on a lot of levels: we could co-sleep but brian could still get a good night's sleep. her fussing in the middle of the night did not disturb him. his alarm and morning noise (and he is NOT quiet in the morning) did not disturb us. i wasn't sleeping with one ear cocked for the sound of her cries, because she was right there with me.

but an air mattress is only comfortable for short periods of time, and after about 6 weeks your back really starts to hurt. also, your baby gets used to nursing in the middle of the night even though she probably shouldn't need to. after a while, the achiness from the air mattress and the constant nursing and in-her-sleep fussing keeps mama awake more than she gets to sleep.

so here we are. last night was her first night of her new routine: we had some dinner (carrots) and then some nursing. then we said goodnight to daddy and went upstairs for our bath. we got changed into our jammies and read a couple stories, and then she went into her crib with her chewie and her doll gracie. i said goodnight, i love you, turned out the light and closed the door. (well, it was about 6 inches open.)

she cried for about five minutes. i thought about going in there a la ferber method - a girlfriend's pedi suggested that unlike ferber, it's okay to pick them up and comfort them - but decided to see what happened. after about five minutes of crying, she settled down into poor-pathetic-me whiny fussing for about ten minutes and then fell asleep, and mama got to watch the office in peace. hopefully we will be able to repeat that performance tonight.

we have also been trying to let her cry when she wakes up in the middle of the night, which is not really working... she usually cries for a couple minutes and then when i can see she is NOT going to self-soothe back to sleep, i go in and nurse back to sleep. she initially eats like she's a starving child in africa but then pretty quickly drops back to sleep. i'm not sure how to combat that. a couple nights ago she slept entirely through the night, but that was only once in the past five or six days since we have stopped co-sleeping. do i just let her fuss and cry, at 230a? or do i continue to nurse her back to sleep? i know most [unweaned] babies don't drop that last nighttime feeding until they are a year or so old, but does that refer to the evening "before bed" feeding or this middle-of-the-night feeding?

i will be so thankful when we are through with this stage, and yet it was sad for me to put her to sleep without nursing. just one more way she is growing up and becoming less of a baby.

love letters: month six

dear hannah,

six months!! you are six months old!!

it is almost thanksgiving, and you are six months old. where has all this time gone? your father and i cannot believe you are already six months old, and yet it feels like we have been doing this for EVER, (six months? that's IT?) and we cannot imagine our life without you.


you have become HUGE this past month - you are 27 inches long and outgrew your baby carseat. two weeks ago we purchased a new one for you and it is this behemoth thing tethered to the backseat of my car. at first you looked so teeny in it, like when we brought you home from the hospital and you were swimming in your sleeper and i felt like the straps of the carseat were too long to hold you in tight enough, even tightened all the way up. now - either i'm used to you in the new carseat or you've just exploded in size, because you don't seem so small in it anymore. you weigh almost 18 pounds too, which is SO FUN when i have to contort my body to get you in and out of that darn carseat when we go to the store.


you started rolling over in earnest this month, allaying my fears regarding your tendencies toward sociopathology, and suddenly you are MOBILE and everywhere. within a week you figured out how to roll from your back to your belly AND how to get up on your knees, though not how to do anything when you are up on those knees. you CAN scooch backwards, which happens unintentionally, and you end up wedged underneath the coffee table or the sofa or the tv unit with your bottom pushed up against whatever edge is there. sometimes you end up against the fireplace hearth, and you push forward off it and then slide backwards, over and over, crawling in place. just this past week you really got the hang of rolling from your belly to your back (though you don't really like to and still break down crying when you've had enough on your tummy) and have started to figure out that there are interesting things out there and you can get to them by rolling. your father and i figure we have about 7 more hours to babyproof the house before you get into everything.


every month you become a little more vocal, and last night your father swore you said "dada" though i think he's delusional because OF COURSE you'd say "mama" first. after all the times i wipe your bottom, it's the least you can do for me. RIGHT? we had a barbecue with all the mommies and daddies from our mommy & me group this past month and your father thought you were the most talkative baby in the group. he also thought you were the prettiest, which of course you were, but we don't say that out loud because it might make the other babies feel bad and give you a big head. last week you were playing with your friend kyle at mommy group, and all he wanted to do was touch you and grab at your hands, and you just kept on talking at him. he didn't say anything, so you talked more and louder, just like a girl. daddy says you're JUST LIKE YOUR MAMA, isn't that nice of him.


your first halloween was this month, and we all dressed up as pumpkins, a jack-o-family. next year we'll do something more creative, this year i was a bit low on energy and creativity and the creative ideas came a little late. nana came out to spend the weekend with us and you just loved answering the door with her and seeing all the people there. you also loved visiting the neighbors when we dropped off goodie bags for them. we also went to the pumpkin patch with mommy group, and to a halloween lunch where we borrowed your friend lexi's banana costume to take a picture. now why didn't we think to dress you up as a banana? i told you, all the creativity came a bit late.


you and i went to the zoo for the first time this month too, which i think you enjoyed. really, these outings are more for the mommies than the babies at this point, but you were very interested in the flamingos (until we tried to take your picture, of course - then you were more interested in your sunglasses). they were noisy and smelly and bright and moved around a lot and very fun to watch. in stark contrast to my favorite, the lemurs, who were very lazy and quiet that day and just sat there doing nothing and you got bored very quickly with that.

with your buddy lexi at the pumpkin patch. you were the cutest punkin ever!

you also started eating solids this month, much to my chagrin, because babies don't eat solids - big girls do but not babies - and i wanted you to stay my baby for as long as possible. but your pediatrician said you needed to have started them by 6 months, so here we are. you love squash and green beans and carrots, but you hate rice cereal, and you hate bananas only marginally less than rice cereal. we're still trying on the bananas, though every time i shove some in your mouth you look at me as if you're this horribly abused child and i must hate you on some level.


your personality has exploded this month - not that you didn't have one before, but it's become much more apparent now. you have OPINIONS and you are not afraid to let us know them. you actually spit some bananas at me the other day. you let us know when you are tired of being in the high chair, or want to be held, and it's very obvious when you're sleepy and need a nap. what a wonder a little sleep does for you - you turn back into my wonderful little ray of sunshine. you wake up and grin this huge happy grin when you see your father and me, as if say YOU! IT'S YOU! AGAIN! MY FAVORITE! i hope you'll always be like this, excited to see us, because we are always excited to see you.


okay, now this is my favorite picture of you ever. you love that little chewie, and even though i swore i'd never put you in little headbands (and we don't ever wear them), you look so sweet and girly in this one. you just get more beautiful every day.

i love you, banana.
love,
mama

hannah recommends: crinkle squares!

just so you know, this is not exactly a shameless plug for my etsy shop. there's nothing new under the sun - a friend's baby had one, and i was intrigued by it. [so, they ARE out there to buy commercially - i don't know where or what they're called, but they're there.] her daughter loved it, and i figured i could make it pretty easily. i made a "test" one for hannah and she ADORES it.


i've posted about these on my facebook page, and a couple baby-less friends asked what they were. a crinkle square is simply two pieces of fabric sewn together with a crinkly middle. i usually use two layers of cellophane though i did initially purchase "crinkle material." cellophane seems to work just fine - it does melt under intense direct heat, so i do have to be careful when pressing them, but i wash hannah's in hot water and dry in the dryer on high heat and the square is fine. on one side i use plain cotton in a cute print, and on the reverse i use some sort of interesting textured fabric for tactile interest.


hannah has two though i've been selling them as a set of 3 which is cheaper than buying them individually. she has a cute one with pink flowers and brown corduroy on the back which she's kind of meh about. i think she's not keen on the corduroy, though another friend's son LOVES his corduroy one. the one in the photo above is the "test" one i made with her butterfly fabric and some plush minky that my mother had sent up for a changing pad cover. that plushie square is one of her absolute favorite toys so far. it's soft and feels kind of like a burpie (which she also loves). she can stuff it in her mouth (but not choke on it thank heavens) and squish it and best of all IT MAKES NOISE. thank the Lord it does not make annoying noise like some of her toys. she can happily play with her crinkle square for 20 or 30 minutes straight, and i don't go insane after 10 seconds of listening to it.

get them here! i was thinking too, they would make a great baby gift.

who ever heard of a kid who DIDN'T like sugar.

and so it begins, the end of hannah's babyhood. (actually, every little milestone to me is another little bit of the end of her babyhood.) dum dah dum dum: solids!

which is such a joke, right? i mean, if her food were ACTUALLY solid, it might stay in her mouth, instead of dribble out the corners and get smeared all over her eyebrows.

we started with rice cereal two weeks ago: no luck, she hates it. i've heard this is typical, not that i exactly see why, i mixed it with breastmilk, her favorite - and i even tried it, and it was not so bad. better than oatmeal in my humble opinion, not that MY opinion matters much because it's not going into MY mouth. she did not like it thick, she did not like it thin, she did not like it in-between. we have tried multiple times since introducing other foods and she still grimaces as if she is eating poo.

bananas, i thought! bananas will be better! so sweet and sugary, who can resist a banana. (well, me - i don't like bananas personally, but still. it's not going into MY mouth.) i've heard it takes about ten tastes to start to actually develop a liking for a food, but after about the fifteenth try she still looks at me like, "really, mama? bananas? why do you hate me?" and spits them out.

and yes, i've heard the trick where you hold the spoon in the baby's mouth, on top of her tongue, so she learns to eat off the spoon. every time we do that she pulls her tongue back and gags herself and we end up in a screaming fit, which is not a pleasant way to conduct feedings, so we're skipping that part for the moment. could my baby be a bit of a drama queen? NOT OUTSIDE THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY.

speaking of poo, WOW, her diapers. i thought they were bad before, when we hit about the 4-month mark, but those were butterflies and rainbows compared to these diapers. WHOA NELLY, girl can poop.

all things considered, bananas were hated less than rice cereal, and squash was hated even less than bananas. i think she actually kind of liked the squash. so far green beans seem to be successful also. maybe my daughter will be a vegetarian with no sweet tooth? one can only hope.

update: because her poop is more solid now and no longer as washable as breastfeeding poop, i made a diaper sprayer so i don't have to swish her soakers in the toilet bowl. it was very easy and inexpensive. see my tutorial here.

the countdown begins

as of today, i have exactly six more working days left until i become a stay-at-home mom!

i've kept this a bit under wraps because i did not notify my job until just this past friday (the official two weeks). my hours were given to a girl hired during my maternity leave and my boss refused to restore them. i work for a small business, so technically he is within the letter of the law (even the very strict california law), even though in my humble opinion that's a f&#^ed up stunt to pull. part-time rates are not available at the daycare in which we chose to place hannah [prior to notification that my hours were cut], so working 16 hours a week was netting us approximately $600 per month after all was said and done. so we chose to take the plunge and become a single-income family.

this is exciting and scary all at the same time. i'm thrilled to be able to take care of my daughter full-time, and not have to leave her with someone else to experience all of her cuteness and sweetness and life. brian feels less anxious because she will be with me instead of in daycare (he was very concerned about daycare in general, even though our place is GREAT).

but... i've never not worked. at least, not since i was 16, save the four weeks i took off when i got married and the four months i took off earlier this year when hannah was born. i've never not contributed a paycheck to our household - even when i was on leave this summer, i still received disability and pfl checks that went into our bank account. i worry about depending solely on brian's income, and i worry about my ability to budget properly for household expenses. i worry that i will end up resenting my husband, who works a very high-stress job with long, unpredictable hours, when he comes home from work and [rightly] relaxes in front of the television while i am at my wit's end trying to get dinner ready with a cranky, fussy baby who has been cranky and fussy all day long.

i know some of you who read this are or have been sahms yourselves... how do you handle these fears? any words of advice for me? i know my situation is not unique, but it is very new to me.

love letters: month five

dear hannah,

banana! you are five months old today!

i think i will always use exclamation points when i tell you how old you are, because not only is it exciting for you, but i just can't believe it. and finally, FINALLY, we are getting into the swing of things. okay, maybe we were in the swing of things a month or so ago, but still. it feels like it has taken five months to get this mothering thing figured out, sort of. now don't you go growing or changing on me anytime soon. you've gotta give me a chance to get used to this.


your grandfather visited, and we went out for pizza and gelato. i caught him giving you some, even though we have not started you on solids yet. obviously, you like chocolate gelato.

it seems like every month you are growing by leaps and bounds. you have continued your vocal explorations this month and are regularly squealing, babbling, cooing, and laughing. you have the sweetest giggle, all throaty from way down deep in your belly, and you love to grin with your mouth open wide and your nose all squinched up, as if you are SUPER! EXCITED! BY WHATEVER IT IS I'M DOING! you love shrieking, which your father worries is not normal. i just remind him that apparently, we are raising a pterodactyl, but not worry, you'll turn out fine.


you had your second round of immunizations this month, which of course you hated, and i'm really sorry to break it to you, but your 6-month boosters are scheduled for your 6-month birthday. if it makes you feel any better, i had to get my flu shot this month, and i'm still alive. you were in a great mood for the doctor which was a relief as you screamed through your two-month appointment and i was afraid she'd think i was a horrible parent. you are in the 95th percentile for height, which i guess is what i get for marrying a giant like your father. you've already outgrown your carseat.


you continue to be insanely interested in toys and can spend over an hour rolling around on the ground under your activity gym, tugging on the stuffies and making it sing. however, you're not hugely interested in rolling over. you did it a number of times a couple months ago but since then you've been kind of meh about it. you're perfectly happy to roll on your side, but you've only rolled onto your belly from your back once. when we do tummy time, you haven't figured out that you can roll from your belly to your back to end it, so when you get tired of tummy time you just lay there on the ground with your face planted into the blanket and cry. i'm a little worried that you might grow up to be a serial killer WHO KNOWS IT COULD HAPPEN if you don't start rolling regularly soon, but your pediatrician says not to worry.


however, you LOVE the crinkle square i made you, and you LOVE your rattles. anything that makes noise - you're all over it. you stand in front of me and just wave that rattle around. the other day at mommy group you kept whacking yourself in the head with it, but you didn't care. you just had this huge grin on your face, as if it were the best thing in the world. you are such a sunny, happy baby - everything that i had hoped for. you greet every day with a huge smile, because you are just SO! EXCITED! BY LIFE! AND LIVING!


i gave notice at my job two days ago, so in two weeks my only jobs will be to be your mommy and to be daddy's wife. no more daycare for you! it's kind of a strange feeling right now, and kind of surreal. i've never not had a job, never not contributed financially to the household. but in two weeks, i'll have the best job ever - i get to be your mommy, all the time.

i love you, my banana.
love,
mama

hannah's mom

the other day when i picked The Kiddo up from daycare, one of the older kids patted me on the hip in that sweet way kids do and told me how she played with hannah that day and hannah smiled at her, she made hannah happy. the girl addressed me as "hannah's mom, hannah's mom." i'm no longer erin, or brian's wife, or even mrs. stensler. i'm just "hannah's mom."

it's taken me some time to grow into my new role and to learn to enjoy being hannah's mom. i didn't at first. sure, i loved my baby, no doubt, but we weren't in love. others have likened having a baby to falling in love all over again, which is an apt analogy, except that for me, it takes time to fall in love. i'm not one of those fairy-tale love-at-first-sight people. and hannah was sure a cute newborn, but it wasn't love at first sight. there were more than a couple nights, expecially that first month, that i cried to brian how i didn't want this, didn't want this life, wanted my old life back, the life we had before we even thought about getting pregnant.

now, almost five months later, i can say that i am in love with my baby and mean it completely. i love being hannah's mom. i love waking up in the morning and finding her little face two inches from my own, eyes wide open with a big grin the moment she sees i'm awake. i love how she falls asleep next to me when nursing in the middle of the night and snuggles into my body. i love that just being picked up and held by mama can (usually) quiet even the most frantic, distressed cries. i love that she recognizes when i sing "you are my sunshine," and quiets down to listen to me singing to her, and smiles up at me from my arms. i love how she reaches her little hand out to pull me to her when she wants to nurse. i love how she isn't too sure about grass when we lay on the lawn and look at the clouds, but she watches me and as long as i'm okay with it, she is too. i love how she rolls her eyes back in her head, grabs my hair and giggles when i nom on her belly. i love cuddling her, kissing her, showing her new things, watching her learn and grown and smile.

i love being hannah's mom.

baby abuse and protection, all in one dose

(thanks jess, i was feeling a bit uncreative)

the doctor pronounced hannah happy and healthy at her four-month checkup yesterday. she is 15 pounds 2 ounces, 77th percentile, and 26 inches long, a whopping 95th percentile. okay, obviously this does not compare to someone else's giant baby, but she's on the fast track to be taller than anyone on MY side of the family so i am suitably impressed by her growth.


and then we got shots. three of them, to be exact.


i'm too squeamish to watch the nurse stick her, but i snapped away for posterity. but oh, poor kiddo. her screaming broke my heart. i wanted to grab up my baby and run out of the room... but we stayed, because i know that's what's best for her.


SHE certainly did not think this was what was best for her. please note the color of her head. "why you stick me, evil shot lady?!?!?"

and then it was over, and we stood up and i held her tight, close to my heart. i whispered in her ear that everything was okay, and she stopped screaming.


we went downstairs to mommy group, and she saw all the other babies, and it was like it never happened.

until next time. sorry, kiddo.

love letters: month four

dear hannah,

happy birthday, my four-month-old baby!

i cannot believe you are four months old. four months ago i didn't even know you, not really. and now i can't imagine my life without you. and speaking of four months ago, where is the baby we brought home from the hospital, all squalling and red-faced and tiny? did you eat her? you must have eaten her because damn, girl, you are getting HUGE. you have about 8 more ounces to go and then you have doubled your birth weight. IN FOUR MONTHS. that's what i get for marrying a giant, eh?


this has been such a busy month, not just for you but for us also. summer ended and we tried to pack in as much fun stuff as we could. like aunt alice's wedding... you were so well-behaved and quiet during the wedding, and then at the end you let out a big huge fart. daddy was so proud! and everyone at the reception just loved on you and you were so pretty in your dress. the next day you got to meet aunt kirsten and uncle rick, and the next day after that we drove home.


and you! you are changing and learning at lightning speed. even faster than that, maybe. this month you figured out that you have a tongue. who knew?! this has resulted in tons of drool (your daddy swears you are teething, but he's wrong) and lots of spit bubbles and raspberries. the raspberries are cute but you hate the resulting bibs that the drool has engendered. keep it in your mouth and we won't have to go there, kiddo.


your new favorite thing is waving your feet around and sticking them up in the air.

along with your tongue, you have also discovered your voice and how to use it. you've been cooing for a while now, but this month you have started to figure out conversation and communication, and you really like to add to the communication. when we're in the car with the radio on, you like to start talking and squealing in the backseat... but if i turn the radio off so i can listen to you, you fall quiet. i hope this doesn't become a habit, this silence towards your parents, because otherwise how are we going to keep you out of trouble when you are sixteen and figure out who the cool bands are?


speaking of cool bands, we took you to your first concert this month! we went to see def leppard and poison up in marysville. you did wonderfully, i think you liked it. there were lots of bright lights and you could hardly tear your eyes away from the stage. it was a beautiful night, clear and warm but not too warm, and i wore you in the front pack and we danced to the music and you loved it. you even let me cover your ears when we were dancing, which i know you hate. you fell asleep during def leppard which only confirms my suspicion that we are, in fact, raising a flexible baby. and yes, i breastfed you during the concert. we sat there on the lawn on our blanket and had us some nursing. yes, we are now Those Parents.


we also took you to your very first giants game this month. i think you did not enjoy that as much as the concert. we loaded up on the sunscreen and thankfully did not get burned, but it was hot and even with your hat and sunglasses i think it was a bit bright for you. you were a bit fussy and then slept through some of the game, but then edgar renteria hit a grand slam in the bottom of the seventh inning to bring the giants ahead, and the crowd went wild, and you went nuts. you looked at me with these wide eyes, opened up your mouth, and let out the loudest wail ever. i think we could hear you on the tv replays later that night.


you were happiest at the game while you were sitting on my lap playing with your rattle, which thankfully i clipped to your onesie with a paci-clip because you kept dropping it and i was NOT going to be picking it up every ten seconds. that's something else new this month. all of a sudden you have become very interested in TOYS! these magical things that make noise and can be grabbed and held and squished between your fingers! of course, you not only love toys but also toys that are not really toys, like burpies. when you sit in your rocker and watch me make dinner, i usually give you a burpie to play with. i think you like the softness of the flannel. you pull on it and twist it and let it slip and slide through your fingers. you stuff it in your mouth and rub it over your face, and drop it on your knees and then pick it up again.


i went back to work this month, and even though i know i have to, it breaks my heart every day to leave you in daycare and let a couple hours of your life go by without me. daddy and i feel very strongly that i should be a full-time mommy to you, so we're working as hard as we can to make that happen. in the meantime, you seem quite happy at daycare. you love sitting on miss courtney's lap, and all the other kiddos at daycare are THRILLED beyond belief that there is a baby there. you seem to love your peeps there too. you don't notice me when i first walk in, and i watch you watch them, absolutely mesmerized. there is so much for you to see and do and touch and taste and learn every day, and you are absolutly engaged and excited and happy to do it. i love watching you like this, sweetie. don't ever change.


so far, this is my all-time favorite picture of you. you're so beautiful, kiddo, and you always will be the most beautiful thing i've ever seen.

love,
mama

cloth diapers

love my baby in cloth diapers. L.O.V.E. them.

we actually don't use only the gdiapers that i raved about. (sarah also raved about them here.) i think maybe a lot of people using cloth do this, have multiple different diapers that they use. our multiples are handmade which thrills me to no end. add that to the thrill of having tk in cloth diapers and you just might see my head explode.

i had mentioned a long time back how my mother was sewing diapers for the upcoming baby; once she arrived we discovered that they did not work so well. they leaked all over the place, because even though they were plastic lined, once the flannel inside got wet there was no stopping the moisture from spreading out the legs. my poor mother. you have to give her credit though, this was her first foray into diaper-making and she handled this setback well: she went right back to the drawing board and got some different fabrics. she made some more, we tested them, tweaked them, perfected the design, tightened up the elastic (she seems to be afraid of elastic, but i think you can't be if you want the diapers to work), and lo, we have a fabulous diaper!


it's a pretty basic diaper design, but what you can't see are the pockets on the inside edges (front and back) to hold the soaker, so the soaker can just be changed out and the diaper itself reused if it's still dry. that was a little design tweak that she ripped off from the gdiapers and modified and i love it. we have a couple in this pretty peach and a couple in a beautiful mint green too.

this one was a gift from my friend jaimey. isn't it fun? her design is one-size, so the velcro waistband is very large so that it can expand as the kiddo grows. the top also snaps down so that the diaper can be elongated as the kiddo grows, too. isn't that clever?


when she sent them, hannah was kind of swimming in them, so we have not used them yet. also, with jaimey's diapers you can just lay the soaker into the middle, or you can slip it into a pocket in the back (in between the lining fabric and the outer waterproof fabric) for an all-in-one diaper. i'm telling you, CLEVER.


this one is also from jaimey and it is my absolute favorite of all the diapers we have. ohmygosh is that print not the. best. EVER. i just love it. and yes, she'll make you some too! you can find her diapers here.

my mother also slipped a pattern off the gdiapers that i have so we could make our own! she made one and sent it to me and it is absolutely adorable. i forgot to take a picture of it though. who knew one could get this worked up and excited over something the baby poops in?

also, i made wet bags! they were insanely simple so i don't know why i am so ridiculously excited about them, but i am. i made four for carrying around with us, with a drawstring closure on the top and cord stops to keep the wet diapers from leaking out. i also made two (waterproof) cloth liners for my diaper dekor diaper pail. we had specifically chosen this pail because it did NOT wrap the diapers individually like the diaper genie does. can you imagine having to undo each one of those before washing? no thank you. the refills for the diaper dekor are not insanely expensive - $14.99 for two, and one refill lasts about two months - but why pay for it when you don't have to? so i made two liners - one for the pail, and one to put on the pail when the other liner is in the wash. it's not like we have to do any extra laundry to wash the pail liner, so why buy them?

am a working girl once again

i started back at work yesterday and let me tell you, WORKING SUCKS. there are a multitude of reasons that would be inappropriate to discuss here, but largely WORKING SUCKS because i have to leave my kiddo to be babysat by another mommy, while i go babysit my clients. what is wrong with this picture?

also, WORKING SUCKS because pumping at work sucks. pumping at work sucks not only because of my somewhat ignorant colleagues who felt that i ought to be able to pump in the bathroom instead of the break room. since i did not feel like enlightening them on the finer points of the law and my legal right to be provided a space, i just told them it was illegal for me to pummp in the bathroom because it is unsanitary. good Lord. i mean, i actually had to remind my boss that he wouldn't eat lunch in the bathroom, so i shouldn't have to prepare the kiddo's lunch there either.

pumping largely sucks because of the aforementioned leaving my kiddo. sure, i pump every morning anyways, so i'm no stranger to my breast pump. we're good friends. but there is a HUGE difference between pumping for a good cause and pumping because your kiddo is in daycare. so yeah, it sucks.

all of this has just strengthened my resolve to get our life straightened out so i can be a sahm. brian too... he actually checked her last night for bruises. bruises! as if i would send her to a daycare that might abuse her! still, he says he worries because someone - anyone - other than me is taking care of her. so hopefully i'll get to be sahm soon. this daycare thing is breaking my heart every day.

pimp mama

click here to vote for hannah as the cutest baby!

i am well aware that there is a VERY fine line between entering your baby's picture in a cutest baby contest because, well, she's just SO DAMN CUTE and pimping out your kid. how do you know when you've crossed it?

might need to be getting out more

so, i'm going back to work in a week.

actually, less than a week. my first day back at the office is tuesday, september 1.

i'm having very mixed emotions about going back to work. on the one hand, i'm going to miss my daughter. i'm going to miss all the grinning and cooing she does during the day. i know, i'll get my fix when i come home each night, but still. and i'll miss all the things she'll learn how to do during the day while i'm at work. i mean, eight hours is a long time when you've only been out in the world for 15 weeks. what if she learns to sit up while i am at work, and i miss it? or if she crawls, or takes her first steps, or learns to fly and airplane, all while i am at work?

(fortunately, we have her in a wonderful daycare that i have no worries about. it's actually not the one i mentioned before; that one fell through, but we were able to find another that is just as wonderful, though unfortunately not as easy on our budget. and i'm not going back to work full-full-time. i'll be taking thursdays off, so i can still go to my mommy group and have an extra day with our kiddo.)

also, selfishly, it's pretty damn nice being lazy and staying in my pajamas most of the day and not having to work. and just try getting anywhere on time. it's impossible. at least while i'm not working, we have quite a large cushion of time (read: the entire day) to make it out the door to do normal things like shop for groceries and go to the bank. in one week i am going to have to try to wrangle myself AND a baby out of the house by 830a. with both of us fed, bathed, clothed, and ready for the day. it was hard enough to get myself out of the house on time BEFORE i had a baby.

on the other hand... man, i hate to say this, but it's kind of dull, taking care of an infant. it gets really boring, really fast. i mean, i love her to pieces and she's cute and all, but you can only coo and giggle and grin back at the baby so much before you go out of your head. changing diapers gets really old, really fast. so does nursing, even. i mean, we got past the troublesome beginning, the pain and the difficult latch and the overactive letdown, and now it really is all sunshine and rainbows and puppies frolicking in the meadow, the intimate emotional connection between me and my baby that i had hoped and heard it would be. but i do have those moments when i feel like, damn girl, AGAIN? you want to eat AGAIN? from me? can't you just go make yourself a sandwich already?

so, there it is. i mean, i know in the grand scheme of things i'm pretty lucky. i got to stay home with my baby for 16 weeks (by the time i go back to work), which is 2+ weeks longer than most people who continue working. we can't afford right now for me to be a sahm, but hopefully by the beginning of next year we will be able to manage without my income, or at least i can cut my hours down to three or even just two days a week. at the moment part of me doesn't want to give up my job, my independence. it's my connection to adults and adult conversation (thank heavens for mommy group too!) and helps reset my brain from baby-only.

case in point: last night brian came home and asked about my day, and i told him how we went to kohl's to return some stuff and get him some new work shirts, and she made a HUGE noisy poopy right there in the middle of men's furnishings. in her diaper, but still. and then grinned at me. i took her into the bathroom to change her, and MAN was it ever huge - her entire bottom was covered with poop - and she just continued to babble and grin at me. scintillating, no?

rise and shine!

this is pretty generally what i wake up to each morning. she can do this sometimes for forty-five minutes before she gets annoyed and starts to fuss.

daddy's girlfriend

i can't decide who i love more.

daddy's first babysitting adventure

last night went like this:

430p: slap on a little makeup before work meeting.

440p: change baby into a fresh, dry diaper.

445p: nurse baby. wait for brian to get home.

455p: brian bursts in the door from work. just in the nick of time, hannah has been saved from the horror of having to be watched by our very lovely neighbors, who are actually a little sad that they don't get to watch her.

505p: ride arrives and i leave for work meeting.

530p: arrive at work meeting. drink one pomegranate margarita. damn, that's good.

630p: meeting ends and dinner begins. drink second pomegranate margarita. surprisingly, no buzz.

735p: first call from brian. he wants to know where the diapers are. the disposables, not the cloth ones. he refuses to use the cloth ones. i changed her three hours ago and he's only just changing her NOW?? obviously, someone is not changing enough diapers.

745p: drink third margarita, a prickly pear one this time. even better than the pomegranate, if that's possible! still no buzz. sigh.

810p: second call from brian. i left him no food for hannah, he says. i remind him that the milk is in the fridge. you know, all that stuff that he complains makes our fridge look like a sperm bank. he informs me that all the bottles are in the dishwasher which is running and i remind him that there are extra bottles in the cupboard. which cupboard? the one over the sink. and how does he warm them up? i left three hours ago and he is only just feeding her NOW?? obviously, someone is not doing this enough.

815p: sadly leave restaurant, as i would have liked more margaritas and a better buzz.

845p: arrive home prepared to "pump and dump," which sucks psychologically to pour all that down the drain, but the night out is always worth it. get chewed out for not leaving husband better "prepared." fortunately baby is still alive. you win some, you lose some.

love letters: month three

dear hannah,

today you are three months old!

that's one quarter of the way to your very first birthday. ONE QUARTER DONE WITH YOUR FIRST YEAR. can you believe you're already this old? i can't. and it only gets better from here, kiddo. before you know it you'll be turning thirty one and wondering how in the world did you get to be THIRTY ONE, and where in the world are my car keys because that downhill slide into forgetfulness starts pretty early in our family, let me tell you. boy howdy.


monster socks from aunt kerry

to say this month was exciting is kind of an understatement. besides it would get old pretty quickly because everything for you is new and exciting right now, and i think i will continue to be excited by you for the rest of my life. at any rate, it was still a pretty exciting month for you. for starters, grandma pam came and stayed with us for a long weekend and you just loved being cuddled by her. she couldn't get enough of you and i certainly appreciated a break from changing diapers. it's getting kind of old, kiddo. can you please be potty-trained soon?


this month was also your first overnight stay without us! our five year anniversary was on august 1, and you stayed with nana while daddy and i had a special night out together. we thought we would be okay, because we knew there's no one else who could take better care of you than nana (except us, of course), but we really missed you. so much so that we came back to get you a little early on sunday. i think nana was kind of disappointed by that. she was just over the moon to have you to herself for such an extended period of time. i think she would come live with us if we would let her, just so she could see you every day. don't go getting any ideas in your head because i am quite territorial.


you also had your first big trip this month - you and i drove 8 hours down south to stay with grandma pam for a week. daddy is flying down to join us in a couple days, because auntie alice is getting married at the end of the week. you have gotten lots of time in with grandma pam and have gone with me everywhere and met so many new people. you were very well behaved for alice's bridal shower the other day and everyone thought you looked so pretty in your dress. you just loved being held and loved on by all the ladies. thank you for smiling for them and making me look like a good mommy.


you finally fit into all these clothes we have for you, and boy are you ever cute, every single day. one day two weeks ago we stayed in our pajamas all day and just cuddled and nursed and read, because you looked so adorable in your sleeper, the white one with the pink trim, that i couldn't bear to take you out of it. you seemed just fine, because hey! you got to nurse all day long! and as long as you are attached to my boob, That From Which All Good Things Flow, you are a happy camper and all is right in the world.


you also had your two-month checkup this month, and your first shots. the pediatrician says you are so perfectly healthy and growing so well, which was good news to your dad and me. i knew you were growing just fine, though. after all, i'm the one who lugs your round little body up and down the stairs each day and MAN are you ever getting heavy. you did not like getting shots, of course. the nurse stuck you with the first needle and you were fine for about two seconds and then your head turned into a tomato and you screamed like nobody's business. you did not even like the oral rotavirus vaccine and tried to spit it out, just like you do sometimes when i try to give you your vitamins. some days i think it might be easier to give the vitamins to the cat.


you are figuring how to wiggle out of your swaddle most days, and just a few days ago you figured out how to roll from your back to your tummy! unfortunately, you are only doing it at night when you sleep, while you are swaddled. you are sleeping on the floor on a quilt next to me down here at grandma's, and i woke up to find you sound asleep on your belly three nights ago. when i rolled you back onto your back, you promptly rolled back over onto your belly. two nights ago i woke up three times to find you sound asleep with your nose mashed into the quilt. every time i wake up i have a minor heart attack that you've suffocated yourself, but you don't sleep more than 20 minutes unswaddled. i guess this is just a taste of what your teenage years will be like.


this month we have also been doing a lot more tummy time, and you are getting really good at holding your head up. you even grin and seem to enjoy it at first sometimes, especially when i give you a lot of verbal encouragement. you like to be cheered on, that's for sure. it's really cute to watch you scrabbling around with your hands and feet and finally push your shoulders up. you kind of look like an upside-down turtle, when they get turned on their backs and their legs wave helplessly in the air. we usually get about five good minutes in and then you start to melt down, though i usually make you stay there for another minute or two after you start fussing because i don't want you to learn that you can fuss your way out of the hard things in life.


i'm sorry that i do that, even though it is for your own good. it breaks my heart to listen to you crying and watch you so frustrated and upset. i'm sorry for all the awful things in life that you have to endure, shots and dirty diapers and 8 hours stuck in your carseat and bored. i'm sorry i have to pull clothes over your head and swaddle you and that sometimes i have to do things like laundry and cook dinner and you can't be attached to me 24/7. it's frustrating but ultimately it's sad, because i know that before long you'll be fourteen and won't want to have anything to do with me, and all i will be able to see is the baby who grins up at me when i rescue her from the loneliness of her crib.


i love you, my banana.
love,
mama